Oh Dang, Let's Bang!
Kurt never saw it coming. He didn't expect his boyfriend to sing such a scandalous, embarrassing, yet hilarious song in the middle of their Glee club. He and Blaine had just had a discussion about how your image affects everything after the incident with "It's Not Right But It's Okay."
He knew Blaine hadn't been listening, and this was just further proof. It all started when Blaine mentioned that he liked the horrible rap music that Puck had been playing whilst at lunch. What was even worse was that Blaine knew the words. However, Kurt didn't expect anything to come from it until today.
Kurt was chatting with Mercedes about the brilliance of the latest Project Runway episode. Mercedes just couldn't comprehend the magnificence of an opportunely placed brooch on the upper chest of a muted cardigan. He was doomed to be the only fashionable person in Lima. Even though, his boyfriend was dashingly dapper in his Brooks Brothers wardrobe.
"Okay, guys, if I can have your attention, Blaine and Santana have chosen to partner up for this song. If they can have your attention," Mr. Schue said to the Glee club before taking his seat in the front row.
Santana walked in the Glee club while her arm locked with Blaine's.
"Today, Glee club, we've prepared something that isn't quite the norm for the two of us," Blaine began.
"Shut it, Twinkle Toes. Let's just get on to the song," Santana said, waving her hands at the bands to play the song.
As the electronic music began to play, Puck laughed at loud at the song choice and horror dawned upon Kurt's face when he realized just what song (if you could even call it that) his boyfriend had chosen for this week's Glee assignment 'New Horizons.'
"It's Blaine, bitches, you know who it is. I'm about to make a bitch drink a bucket of jizz. One shot to the eye socket. One to the mouth. He in the ring with the King when he go down SOUTH!" Blaine started off rapping as he and Santana grinded in front of the Glee club.
Schuester and most of the Glee club (minus Puck and Brittany) stared in horror at Santana and Blaine as they performed. Puck jumped up with Brittany and they began to grind while Puck applied back up rapping to Blaine's.
Puck grabbed his crotch as Blaine then rapped, "Don't you wish your man had a dick like mine?"
Then Brittany and Santana slithered down Blaine's sides as he rapped, "Porn star status! Two at a time!"
Blaine walked to Finn and grabbed Rachel before rapping, "Hold up, Chief! Your wifey's gone missing. She over here butt naked. One leg twitchin'!"
"Sprayed a load on your boyfriend. Hit your ex. Wipe him off with a rag. Send him home half dressed. He gonna bow like Rihanna when he Pon de Replay. Give him something to remember till he's old and wrinkly!" Blaine rapped as he and Puck rapped while the girls grinded on each other.
Rachel quickly sat back down, horrified at the implications of the words out of Blaine's mouth, but even she, The Queen of Denial, couldn't deny that Blaine was gorgeous, and she would pay a large amount of money for him to do what the song suggested.
Blaine ran up to Rachel, who was now next to Kurt, and rapped, "Would you like to bring a friend? The answer is yes!"
Blaine grabbed Kurt and grinded on him before Kurt glared at him and sat back down. Blaine pouted before continuing on in the song.
"Welcome to the butt naked WWF! One screaming 'Oh yes!' One takin' a rest. Have a cup of Gatorade. Take a breath; who's next?"
Blaine started grinding on Santana before pushing her away for Brittany while rapping, "I switch hoes like sex positions. Get rough. Pin 'em down because they never listen. Hollering, yelling, I LOVE YOUR DICK! Have a bite of watermelon. Chill for a bit!"
Blaine climbed on top of the piano, bobbing his head to the music as Brittany and Santana sang the chorus, "Oh Dang! Let's Bang! Oh Dang! Let's Bang!"
What was even more surprising than Blaine singing the song was when Puck and Sam had a duel with the lyrics. Although, Puck started it.
"This one goes out to all the haters. I done fucked more bitches than the Oakland Raiders. Not the neighborhood slut like you did last week because I turn nice girls into bedroom freaks," Puck rapped, glaring at Sam before glancing at Quinn.
He had turned a nice girl into a bedroom freak.
Artie rolled into the midst and started to rap the next bit, "Heads knocking into walls like the Special Olympics. Let me show you who the real bedroom pimp. One getting head while the other two kissed. Hit both so hard their boyfriends lisped!"
Then Sam being ever clueless and annoying took the next part, "Yo we stickin to the script like Java. It's a pimp and hoe party at the Copa Cabanna. Bay game. It's a bay thang bay slang. Look, who came! E feezie on the treezie with my homie, Blaine-eezie. Little MySpace bitch, Make it look so Easy!"
Of course, Sam looked straight at Rachel for the Myspace joke.
"Oh Dang! Let's Bang!" Brittany and Santana rapped, taking the chorus for the second time around.
Blaine jumped back down from the piano and took the next part, stepping in between Sam and Puck.
"Yo! What the fuck is up, bitch? It's a pimp and hoe party! I'm Blaine Anderson, bitches. Start acting naughty!"
Santana smacked Blaine lightly across the face to get his attention before looking at Quinn and Puck pointedly and saying, "I ain't your baby mama. Don't need no fucking drama!"
Quinn, the Ice Queen with a stick up her ass (Santana's words), glared at Santana with no effect.
"I'll throw a hoe inside my trunk, bust a nut, and hide the body!" Puck rapped, grinding into Brittany.
Blaine looked up at Kurt with that gorgeous, heated look of his and said, "Here's one for all your high school theses. Your ass might end up in a couple different pieces!"
Kurt glared at Blaine, but you could tell that Kurt secretly loved that Blaine was basically dirty-talking to him even if it was in rap form in front of the Glee club.
"Get twisted, all you bitches, on that Fuck Fuck Give!" Puck rapped before Blaine, humorously, said, "If you're straight, bitches, fake it, and I'll let y'all live!"
"Rub some jism on your lips. Rub some jism on tits. Bang Bang boogie boogie, rub some coke on clits!" Sam rapped rather offensively looking at Santana who just flipped him off.
Quinn was not happy about her boyfriend singing that to Santana of all people despite Santana's not-so-nice reply.
Blaine took his seat next to Kurt while the rest of the group sang the last bit of the song, "Bang Bang Boogie Boogie!Double Barrel Pussy!Bang Bang Boogie Boogie!Double Barrel Pussy!OH DANG!Bang Bang Boogie Boogie!Double Barrel Pussy!LET'S BANG!"
"Okay, guys, sit down! Highly inappropriate guys!" Schue shouted, jumping up as the last electronic beat rang out.
"I can't believe you all took advantage of the trust I had in you!" Schue shouted.
"No way, Mr. Schue. You know good and well that if that had been Finn rapping that song you would've patted him on the back and said that it was good. All of a sudden the new kid sings a racy song, and we need to burn the whole town!" Blaine exclaimed at Mr. Schue.
"Blaine, you are way out of line!" Schue said.
"No, he's not. That's exactly what would've happened. Man Boobs and Man Hands would've gotten a fucking standing ovation, but Gay McHobbit and I do a song, and it's like the Holocaust just happened again right in the middle of the room!" Santana shouted.
"You are both out of line. I try to treat you all fairly," Schue said.
"No, you don't," Kurt said, suddenly from his place in his seat. "I had to leave the school because I was being bullied, and it was, 'Sorry, get used to it.' Blaine gets verbally abused by Finn and Sam, and it was, 'Man up. You'll be fine.' Finn gets one slushy thrown in his face, and we have to move the entire world just to make sure 'justice' happens. You've never treated anyone the same, and I think that it's time you quit sponsoring Glee club."
"Who do you all expect to sponsor the Glee club?" Schue said, not expecting the meeting to get this out of hand.
"Why don't we ask Mr. Martinez? Everyone knows he has more talent in one pinky finger than you do in your entire body. You can take Trouty Mouth, Stretch Marks, Man Boobs, and Man Hands with you!" Santana said snarkily.
Schue walked out and the aforementioned people left with him.
"I'm so proud of you baby," Blaine said, kissing Kurt's cheek.
"No way, mister! Not after the stunt you just pulled!" Kurt said even though he was smiling.
"Oh dang. Let's bang," Blaine said suggestively before the remaining members of the Glee club cracked up.