Kiri
Gentle.
That's what it sounded like.
Soft and gentle, peaceful, like a contented child.
He listened to Kouji breathe a few minutes more, then pushed the covers aside and stood up. He wore thin breeches and no shirt, and in the dead of winter, it was chilly, even to him. He shivered slightly and moved to gaze out the window.
Only two months. Had it been so short?
He pressed his fingers against the frost-laced glass. Slowly, little circles of vapors gathered on the glass by them, drawn by the heat of his body. The air seemed to bite at him and he shivered again, but not only from the cold.
Parts of this all seemed so wrong. Yet... yet... parts seemed so right too. He prayed every day that he had done the right thing.
It was so quiet here. He was not used to this life anymore. He was not the leader-- he had told Kouji that he didn't want to be. He aided when he was needed, but other than that, merely watched. When Miaka had left, part of him had gone too, the part that was a seishi, and this deeply troubled him.
He gazed out through the dusky glass to the darkness outside. The moon seemed to be devoured by the cold. Hardly any light was cast through the snow-brimmed trees. He took a deep breath and exhaled, turning the window white by his lips.
"All right, so what's wrong that you come pounding though the freezing air to my room so late at night?" asked Kouji curiously.
He sighed. "I've decided."
Kouji raised his eyebrows. "Oh?"
He smiled slightly and nodded, nervousness making his stomach hurt.
Kouji folded his arms and sat down in front of him. "Well?"
He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't say what he wanted. "Oh, shit," he spat. "This isn't what I came for."
Kouji looked worried. "Genrou, if you aren't sure, then wait. Don't let me push you to do anything you don't want to do."
He snorted. "As if you could."
Kouji chuckled. "Yeah."
He took a deep breath, the fire burning at his back now. "Kouji... you're my best friend."
Kouji smirked. "You sound like you want something."
But he wasn't joking tonight. "I want to try. For you. For me. Maybe you can show me love. I'm still not sure what it is. But I do care about you. I want to make you happy."
Kouji stared. Apparently, that had not been the answer he had been anticipating. "G... Genrou..."
He was shocked to see his friend's eyes fill with tears. Kouji... Kouji had never cried. Never once had he seen him in tears. What was going on? "Kouji...?"
Blue eyes looked away, towards the fire. "I... I didn't expect you to... I..."
He moved over beside him. He pulled the older man to him, holding him tightly, not saying anything.
That had been the first night.
He pulled away from the window, truly cold now, and went back to the bed. He slowly sank down, sitting on the edge. He smiled as Kouji murmured something. Was this love? He still didn't know.
Tamahome and Miaka had said that they loved each other. He had wanted to be a part of that, if only to see inside their mind and understand why and how and what. Was he jealous? He pondered that a minute. No. Not jealous. A little sad and curious. But not jealous.
Again, the sound of the gentle breaths emanating from Kouji's mouth, soft, innocent.
He laid back down, too cold to stay up, and inched close to Kouji. He wondered if he would have frost on him in the morning, like the glass. He rested his arm around him, drinking in the body heat and waited impatiently for sleep to reclaim him.
~~~
He woke the next morning, the sun glinting into his eyes. He yawned and blinked, stretching. It was still cold, but not too bad.
No one was in the bed beside him. He sat up and pushed off the covers, feeling worn despite the amount of sleep he had gotten. He stood up, hastily found a shirt, and pulled it on. It too was cold, but slowly warmed to him. Rubbing his eyes, he stepped out into the hallway.
It was acceptable for them to be like this. Sure, they were teased by the other bandits occasionally, but there were a few other couples among their ranks, as well as intermittent casual relationships, and to have their leader with another man was not specifically a negative thing. It was far more preferable than having him be with a woman. Women brought trouble-- they were fussy and they had babies. Women cried at raids and their children cried any other time. Women were generally nuisances. If the leader had to be satisfied, they thought, this was the way to do it.
The hallway was empty and silent. Everyone would be out on that raid, he remembered. That was why Kouji was gone too. He had not wanted to go today; his heart just wasn't in it. Kouji had not pushed him. He understood.
He wandered around, searching for something to eat, until he finally found a few pieces of bread that had apparently been left for him. He ate quietly, as if there were infants sleeping all around him.
It had been Nuriko and Chiriko, he decided, that had strengthened him the most. Miaka and Tamahome had too. He could compare their loss to how it would be if he ever lost Kouji. He and Nuriko had always gotten along very well, and while he was unsure for a while about Chiriko, the boy had shown him that he had great promise. Tamahome had been like a brother at first, but had grown increasingly distant from him as he grew closer to Miaka. Miaka had always loved everyone in that way she had; not playing favorites, but letting everyone else know that she belonged to Tamahome.
As he now belonged to Kouji.
That didn't sound right, somehow.
He rubbed his right arm reflexively, then suddenly stopped. "Shit," he said out loud. He was touching where 'wing' appeared on his forearm. But he was no longer a seishi now. He was a bandit, Kouji's lover, and only a man. His powers remained, another reason why he disliked going on raids-- he had an unfair advantage-- but there was no one to protect anymore. He had no purpose.
He was empty.
Perhaps that was why he'd been so depressed recently. He sighed and finished the bread. Kouji would be excited, like a little child, when he came back, eager to show him the new treasures.
He had grown up so much with the seishi. He had lived through agony of the mind, heart, and body, and was so much stronger. It was no wonder that Kouji had always teased him. He had been so much younger then. What had mattered to him then was pleasing the leader and staying away from his family. Especially Aidou. He smiled a bit to himself, wondering how she was faring, as well as the rest of his sisters. Would they be surprised to see him now? Most likely.
But Kouji, despite his periodic child-like qualities, had been an adult since he had known him. He wondered if being abandoned by one's parents did that. No one had ever treated Kouji with much respect, except when he came to Mt. Reikaku and the leader had seen his inner strength. He himself had come a few years afterwards, escaping his family. That was when they had had the trouble of deciding who would be the next leader. Kouji had suffered heartbreak here as well. Reirei... Kouji had loved her, but... she had wanted his best friend instead. He shivered slightly. He had left after her death, and then the leader had died, and Eikan took over, and then Suzaku no Miko had come, then...
But now he was back. Where he belonged.
Not many of them remembered him. He had not been part of their lives for a while. His trip after the determination of the leader's replacement was unsuccessful, then going with Suzaku no Miko... They did know who he was, but many of the younger ones had only heard of him in stories, including the less world-renowned ones of him and Kouji and Reirei...
Shit.
His mind suddenly flooded with thoughts. Not only Reirei... what else had he taken from Kouji? He was supposed to have become the leader... his ki had been stronger and he had been able to wield the tessen. It was his name told around campfires now, the protector of Suzaku no Miko... he had become a sort of legend in his own right. He had had adventures, he had fought for his country, he had saved two worlds.
How did Kouji measure up?
He suddenly felt ill. Did Kouji ever think like this? He knew his best friend was more though. Kouji had the stronger heart, was always willing to do anything to save even the smallest and weakest of them. Kouji was the bravest man he knew. He took a deep breath. Kouji had never performed world-changing acts, but would have most likely been a better protector of Suzaku no Miko. But Kouji was not a seishi. Had not been a seishi, he corrected himself. Kouji was a man.
He wondered if Kouji had considered this. He also wondered if he was harboring it inside him.
He would have to ask when he returned.
It sounded rather snobbish, he thought, to ask such a thing. Are you worthy of me? Do you think you are less? But he knew beyond anything that Kouji was so much more than he could ever hope to be. Kouji was honest with his feelings. Kouji knew himself. If any man had ever truly been his hero, this was the one.
He walked slowly to the leader's room to wait.
~~~
"Good afternoon! May I come in? Who is it? It's Kouji, Genrou's best friend and lover! Sure, please do! Thank you so much!"
He looked up, smiling slightly as Kouji entered. "Did you have fun?"
Kouji smirked. "Of course. Would have been more fun if you were there, but I'll just have to make up for the now."
He laughed. "How did it go?"
Kouji tossed a sack down and shut the door behind him. "Amazingly well. We didn't lose anyone and we got almost everything out." He sat down heavily in the leader's chair. "I'm so fucking good."
He smiled. "You did a great job planning. I think it's a good thing I went away. You were always better at planning than me."
Kouji suddenly turned serious. "I hated it while you were gone." His eyes were looking to the distance, not seeing his friend.
He rose and went to stand beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder. Kouji stood up and hugged him tightly, catching him off-guard. He hugged back.
"It was so damn long, Genrou," Kouji was saying, his voice tense. "Nothing worked right. I never realized how much I needed you until you were gone."
He pulled away slightly, enough to be able to look Kouji in the eyes. He smiled gently. "But I'm here now, right? So everything is okay."
Still looking upset, Kouji nodded, his hands around his friend's waist.
He saw this and leaned forward, kissing him gently.
It had taken much of his courage to deal with the physical aspect of their relationship. It was very nice on cold nights, but he felt uncomfortable displaying any sort of affection in public. Kouji accepted this and let it be. He didn't mind kissing while they were alone, but sometimes it still made him feel strange. They had never gone farther than kissing because he knew he wouldn't be ready for that for a long time. But he loved to make Kouji smile and to make him feel special. Was that love?
He pulled away and saw Kouji rather flushed. "Kouji? What's wrong?"
Kouji leaned against him, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Life is completely wonderful. If I die now, I would die happy."
He didn't laugh and Kouji noticed. "Genrou?"
His arms tightened around him. "Don't say that... don't leave me... I can't lose you too... especially not you."
Kouji nodded, shutting his eyes. "Sorry. I forget. I won't again."
He nodded, his voice too choked to speak. Nuriko... Chiriko...
The door opened suddenly and he jerked away from Kouji, feeling ashamed. Kouji noted this and frowned slightly, then turned his eyes to the new-comer, frowning more than slightly.
It was a young boy, dark-haired and dark-eyed. His eyed were filled with terror at having interrupted the leader... especially doing that.
"What the hell do you want?" asked Kouji grouchily.
The boy blinked. "I... I..."
"Spit it out!" Kouji roared.
The boy's eyes widened. "There are some people attacking us at the southern border and Akito told me to come and I'm really sorry and-"
"Enough," Kouji interrupted. "Thank you. You are dismissed."
The boy fled.
Kouji turned his eyes to the one he loved. "Are you going to come?"
He was shaking slightly. That had upset him, someone seeing them like that. He needed to know why. Didn't he and Kouji love each other? Wasn't it acceptable? Why on earth was he upset?
Kouji came over and tried to give him a little kiss for reassurance, but he pulled away.
Kouji frowned. "I'm going. You know where I'll be if you want to help. It's your home too."
He did not look up until the door had shut.
~~~
Cold.
Silent.
The cries of battle had long faded.
He laid in the bed, wearing his sleeping clothes, waiting for Kouji. He had tried to sleep and was still failing miserably. He had not seen Kouji since their brief encounter that afternoon.
He was so cold. He wished Kouji would hurry. He wanted to apologize. He felt horrible for his actions, but he hadn't been thinking. He'd hurt him.
He still puzzled over his emotions. Why had he reacted like that? That boy was terrified of them. What did it matter what he thought?
The wind rattled the glass in the window and he shivered. Where was Kouji?
He shut his eyes, burying himself in blankets. He would try to sleep again. Kouji would wake him up when he came in.
It was to be a very cold and lonely night.
~~~
He must look like shit, he thought. His eyes were puffy from lack of sleep. He didn't understand. He had always been able to sleep no matter what. Even when Kutou had attacked, he had managed to rest. But Kouji had managed to take this gift away.
He got up and got dressed. Kouji had not been there all night; he would have heard him come in. He hoped Kouji wasn't angry with him. He hadn't meant to hurt him. It had just happened. No malice or forethought was there, just honest reaction.
Perhaps that was the problem.
He pulled on his boots and stepped out into the hall, intent on finding Kouji. He asked several men that he passed where he could find the leader. One gave him a knowing smile and pointed him to the hospice.
No... the hospice?
His world suddenly froze. Kouji... Was he... was he hurt...?
"No..." he whispered and ran to the hospice, his heart pounding, tears springing unbidden to his eyes. Or worse... was Kouji...
Dead?
The thought paralyzed his heart. It had to be a lie.
He pushed open the door to the hospice and was drowned in relief when he saw a familiar dark head sitting by a hospital bed.
"Kouji..." he whispered, softly so that he would not hear. He stepped to the side of the room so he wouldn't block the door. Apparently, Kouji had not heard the door open, or at least, did not look up.
Kouji was holding someone's hand. He looked closer. It was the boy that had interrupted them the day before. He was saying something that he couldn't quite hear and he looked very upset.
After a moment, Kouji lowered the hand and stood up. He was shaking.
He took a few steps forward a rested his hand on Kouji's shoulder lightly.
"He's dead," Kouji said, his voice cold and pained. "Fourteen years old and he's bloody fucking dead."
"Kouji..." he tried, but was cut off.
"Shit, Genrou, fourteen!" He stormed away, furious. "He didn't deserve that!!"
"Kouji, death happens." He tried to be calm, rational, but Kouji was upset, and that caused him emotions to be shaky as well. "We can't stop it all the time."
Kouji turned to him, his eyes blazing sapphire sparks. "We can fucking try."
He took a step forward. "Kouji..."
"Don't even try, Gen-chan," he said vehemently. "I'm so pissed at you right now I'm surprised I'm even talking to you."
This took him aback. Kouji was angry. Shit, this wasn't supposed to happen! He just stood there, his heart falling to pieces around him, like bitter rain from clouds of grey.
"You left us. You could have saved his life, but you weren't even fucking willing to try. Bastard. What's happened to you, Genrou? Or is it Tasuki now? Or just plain Shun'u? What the fuck is going on? You haven't been the same since you came back." His voice was odd, as if he was on the brink of tears-- or unchecked fury. "I thought this was your home too. Aren't they your people? What happened that I missed?"
Utter, dreadful silence.
What was he supposed to say? There was nothing he could say to that.
Kouji's face suddenly shifted back to its normal expression. "Aw, shit. Genrou... I... I'm sorry..."
His face must have been awful to look at. He took a step back, feeling as if he was going to collapse, then left the room as quickly as he could, not running, but certainly not walking. He had to get away. Escape was the only solution.
There was one place he knew he could go and no one would follow. The place only he and Kouji knew about. Kouji might look for him there, but he could be alone for a while.
He pushed his way through the path blindly, the air freezing. Frost-hardened leaves and grass crunched beneath his boots as he fled to the little house. He shoved the door open and latched it tightly behind him.
The bed was cold, but inviting, and it accepted his tears without condemnation as he lay there.
~~~
He heard the door swing open. Footsteps. The slight squeak of the hinges and the rustle of a coat. A slight sound of movement and the creak of the bed as someone sat down on it, beside him.
He did not need to look up to see who it was. It was obvious.
A hand moved into his hair, resting on his head gently. "I'm sorry, Genrou," said Kouji's voice, soft, gentle, hurting. "I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what got into me."
He didn't reply, mainly because he was incapable.
Kouji sighed and gently kissed the top of his head. "You're right, I was angry. I didn't mean to say those things."
He gathered his strength and choked out, "Despite the fact that they were true."
Kouji stopped. A frown darkened his features and he knelt beside him, trying to pull him into his arms, but he wouldn't let him. Instead, Kouji had to be content just putting his arms around him. "I was angry."
He sat up slowly, facing Kouji with his sleep-lacking, tear-filled eyes. "You're right though. I don't know what's happening with me. I just feel wrong going against normal people. I'm so much faster and if I use the tessen..." He lowered his eyes. "It isn't right. But... what if I could have saved him...?"
Kouji sighed. "It was his time. Just... don't, okay?"
He nodded, shutting his eyes, and suddenly found himself drawn tightly against Kouji's chest, being held as a crying child might be.
A few moments passed in this way before he pulled back. He turned his eyes up to meet Kouji's. A blue field of caring, warmth, gentleness, tenderness, and love sprung to meet him. Emotion rose in his throat. He leaned forward and kissed him, tears spilling gently down his cheeks. He owed Kouji everything.
Kouji kissed back, a bit surprised at the sudden display of affection, but glad for it. He put a hand to the cheek of the one he loved, cupping it gently, warming it.
He pulled away and saw Kouji was smiling slightly.
He wasn't angry anymore. Relief flooded him.
"Come on," he said, his voice thick. "Let's go back. It's freezing here."
Kouji laughed slightly. "I could warm you up."
He smacked him playfully and stood up, holding tightly to Kouji's waist.
Despite the glances from the others, he did not let go until he reached their room.
~~~
The snow fell in thickly swirling flakes. The dim lantern provided barely any light at all. He squinted in the near-blackness and held tightly to the hand of the man behind him.
The chain of men moved over the mountain slowly, driven by fear and hunger, held back by snow and cold. If even one of them stumbled, all of them could be lost.
He was in the front of the line, searching for home, frustrated, for the bandit settlement. The raid had gone poorly and the injured were being carried by the stronger ones. Kouji was at the end of the line, making sure of everyone else. He gritted his teeth. If anyone fell, Kouji would surely be lost. He had to make sure that the footing was secure. If not...
No. He would not think that way.
He gazed around, trying to pierce the darkness with human eyes. Over there... was that...?
"A cave!" he tried to shout against the wind and the snow.
There was no response, so he changed their course slightly, angling towards the cave.
He knew this place well. He had played here when he was younger. It was near his family's house, a place of escape from Aidou and the others. Ironic that it should be the place he would possibly survive this storm. He had not visited here for many years.
He reached the cave entrance after a few minutes-- a slice of forever-- of struggling. The snow fell into the entrance of the cave, but after roughly three meters, the snow stopped, and solid rock met his feet. The lantern shone more brightly.
He pointed the way to the back of the cave to the man behind him and released his hand. He ushered the rest of them in, lingering behind to wait for the dregs of men that remained.
And waiting.
And waiting.
His face was lined with worry. Where was he?
"Shit!!" he yelled, and started to walk off into the storm.
"Genrou?" asked a confused voice behind him.
He turned. "K... Kouji?"
Kouji was giving him the strangest look. "Everyone is here."
He wanted to rush to him and hold him tightly, but there were too many people. "Kouji... I didn't see you..."
The familiar grin was difficult to make out in the wan light. "Oh, how kind. Make me feel loved."
He walked over to him, relieved, and noticed something dark on Kouji's jacket. He rested a hand lightly there, frowning. "What happened?"
Kouji winced slightly and pulled away. "I'm fine. Just a scratch." He smiled and met his eyes. "Don't worry, okay?"
Although that was highly unlikely to happen, he nodded warily. His eyes studied Kouji for any more signs of wounds, but found none.
The leader stood tall and proud near the entrance to the cave, his lover beside him, the latter feeling a bit embarrassed. Kouji called attention to himself, drawing eyes from every part of the cave.
"You were good tonight, men," he began, and continued to speak, a true leader of them.
He stood beside him. It felt strange. As a seishi, he had always been the one to do things, to lead, but here he was, not even in the chain of command. He had come tonight to keep an eye on Kouji-- it was rumored to be a dangerous raid, and he would not have Kouji getting injured. It had turned out to be worse than dangerous, and some of them had gotten killed. The able ones had carried the wounded through the snow. Intermittent moans emanated from parts of the cave. He had helped tonight. The tessen was strapped onto his back now. Without thinking, he drew it and traced the lines of the sharp metal, seeking comfort in familiarity.
This was to have been his place. He would have been the one giving the cheering speech, the pride shining in his eyes. He would have had the eyes gazing at him, trusting. He would have... had he not been a Suzaku seishi.
It had been worth it, though, to give up his entire life for those few months that he had been with Miaka and Tamahome and Nuriko and the others. He had lived more then than most people ever did. He wouldn't forget.
And the muffled sounds of boots moving roused him from his thoughts and Kouji lightly touched his shoulder.
"How are you doing?" Kouji asked, his persona back to his friend as opposed to the leader.
"I'm fine. Let me see where you're hurt. I learned a little from Mitsukake-" He reached out his hand to Kouji again, but was stopped.
Kouji held his hand tightly. "See to the others first then. Please."
"Kouji..."
"Genrou, please."
A bit upset, he nodded. "Can you send someone to find firewood then? There should be some in the back of the cave unless someone's moved it since I've last been here."
Kouji nodded and barked a quick order, which was very promptly carried out.
After a few moments, there was a rather sizable pile of wood in front of him. He still had his tessen out. He held it up.
"Rekka shinen," he said softly, and fire streamed from the tessen to the pile, lighting the brittle wood, flushing the cave with a healthy glow. Now it was time to see to the injured.
It was a long night filled with pain and blood, too reminiscent of past nights of war and anguish.
Several hours later, he was allowed to collapse on the ground, worn and exhausted. His hands were covered in the blood of others', but he was too tired to care. He was about to shut his eyes when someone sat down heavily next to him.
Fingers gently wound themselves in his hair, gentle. "Kouji," he murmured and allowed himself to shut his eyes, feeling suddenly safer.
"Mm... Genrou, you were amazing tonight. I'm so proud. I didn't know that you knew stuff like that." Kouji's voice was soothing, and he wanted to sleep, but he dragged himself up anyway. Kouji needed him.
"I told you," he said, "Mitsukake taught me some stuff. He didn't talk much, but he knew medicine."
Kouji dropped his hand to take his friend's. He squeezed gently. "I wish I'd known them too."
He turned his eyes, black in the shimmering firelight, to Kouji. "You would have liked them."
Kouji smiled. "I'm sure I would have. You have good taste, after all."
Even in the dim light, there was an obvious smirk on Kouji's face.
He sighed. "How's your wound?"
A pause. "It's fine."
He moved closer to him. "Kouji... please let me see. I'm worried."
"Genrou, honestly, I'm fine," Kouji said, his eyes meeting his.
"Kouji..."
Kouji sighed, a bit annoyed at being babied. "Fine." He pulled off his shirt to let him examine the injury.
He peered closely, trying to distinguish everything in the dancing light. "Hmm... surprising..."
"What?" Kouji poked him. "Tell me."
He laughed. "You're right. It isn't that bad."
With great difficulty, Kouji resisted the temptation to smack him.
He allowed Kouji to pull his shirt back on, then immediately leaned against him. "It's cold tonight."
The blue-eyed man was surprised. Genrou? Showing affection in public? Not something to be taken for granted! He draped his arms around him, pulling him tightly against him, ignoring the throb from the sword cut. It had only been a glancing blow, but it had hurt.
He shut his eyes, wanting to sleep, trying to ignore the soft cries and moans of the injured. He was very comfortable-- he would have to tell Kouji sometime he had a nice chest. He yawned. Kouji was remarkably warm too. He felt himself sliding into sleep.
He heard someone murmur his name and felt arms tighten around him, and then he was gone.
~~~
It was all mostly muffled. Boots stamping in the cold, muttered curses, cries of pain... they penetrated his consciousness enough to rouse him.
Kouji was asleep, leaning against the wall, holding him even in sleep. He smiled up at him gently and pulled away. No time for sentiments now. Others needed him.
He rose and moved to check the man who had been injured the most, the one he feared would not survive the night. The man's eyes were open, aware, but his face was tightened in pain.
He reached down for the man, kneeling beside him, checking on his wounds. The eyes fluttered to meet his and darkened in recognition.
"You," the man hissed lowly.
He was rather taken aback. "Let me help you."
"Don't you touch me." The voice held no trace of pain, only ice, colder than the wind and snow whipping outside the cave entrance.
He was surprised. What had he done to this man that he should rouse such a hatred? "I..."
The eyes were full of... disgust? He noted this, his own fire-colored eyes widening. For some reason, this overwhelming feeling he was getting from the man made him want to flee.
"You," the man sneered, "it was you. You fucked Kouji up. Don't even care if we die. Never come on raids. You could have saved so many..." He coughed, but it didn't stop the arrow of words from the man's lips to the other's heart. "You ruined him. He waits for you, not us. You fucked us over too. You're disgusting." The eyes clouded in pain for a moment. He shut them, trying to draw enough strength.
He stared, shattered.
Another weak cough, splattered with blood. "Disgusting. Perverted. You... look what you've done... to..." He was struggling to speak, trying to draw breath through his own blood. Ironic that what kept him alive was drowning him slowly. "To... Kouji..." There was something else, but it was so strangled that he could not make it out.
He realized that this man's last words had been condemning his entire relationship with Kouji.
The man gave a choked cry, then his eyes closed.
Forever.
Had this been another person he could have saved?
He sat there, staring, feeling nothing, just dazed, his mind trying to understand.
But... but... Kouji loved him... didn't that make everything okay? And he loved Kouji too... didn't he? They had never done anything but kiss... Was that wrong?
He felt lost. If this was wrong...
If this was wrong...
Then it was his fault.
He should never have agreed.
Shaking, he stood up. He would tell Kouji as soon as they were back that it was over.
He moved to the mouth of the cave. It was still dark and it was still snowing, but faint light was filtering in through the ice-caked trees. Sunrise.
A few men were up already, moving sluggishly around. But they seemed to fade into the background.
Nothing mattered.
He had striven so hard for Kouji, trying to make it work. What was love? Could it be thrown away so easily like that? He would die for Kouji, a thousand times. More, if he could. He wanted so much to make him happy. Could he just forget all that?
He had to. He couldn't let anyone else die. If that required him giving up Kouji, so be it.
Shit, why did that hurt so much?
A hand touched his shoulder and Kouji's cheerful voice sounded in his ear. He couldn't really make out words, but the meaning was clear. It was time to go home. He stood up, prepared to lead again. It was cold, but he'd manage. He slung the tessen on his back.
He have to tell Kouji soon.
~~~
He noticed that Kouji kept giving him strange glances and they plowed through the snow. He was quiet and Kouji knew that something was bothering him, but he didn't ask. Kouji had known him too long to be callous with his friend's emotions.
When he felt things, he felt them deeply, cuttingly.
The roof of the settlement could be seen dimly now through the snow.
Just a short time more.
~~~
"What the hell's with you?" Kouji asked, severely displeased.
This was going to be bad. "Kouji..."
Kouji stormed over to him. He yanked him up, forcing him to his feet, to meet his eyes.
They were in the leader's room, waiting for news of the injured and what had happened in their absence.
Kouji just gazed at him, eye to eye.
He felt as if his mind was being violated, pried open unwillingly.
"Talk to me, Genrou," Kouji said threateningly.
He sighed. Kouji was not happy. But he feared he would be less happy when he heard what he to say.
It was absolutely silent except for their heartbeats and the sound of snow falling.
Kouji stared at him a few seconds more, then let go, nearly pushing him to sit again. "You fucking bastard." He knew.
He stared at his hands helplessly. He was a fool.
Kouji was calm, frighteningly calm, in the next instant. "Is it that Miaka girl? Suzaku no Miko? You still love her? Or someone else? What have I done wrong, Genrou?"
He wrenched his eyes up. "No! Not Miaka. No one else."
"So it's me."
"No!!" How could he explain?? There had to be a way!
Kouji turned away. "You had me fooled. Even me. I'm impressed."
His heart was slowly being crushed, like a fist squeezing grapes, the dark wine running out between fingers, the color of blood. No... not this... "Kouji..."
"Fuck you, Genrou, I love you!!" Kouji yelled, jerking to face him, tears running down his cheeks freely.
Now his heart completely stopped. He couldn't move. Kouji was crying... crying... over... him?
Kouji turned his face away, wiping at it in angry jabs. "Forget it. I'm sorry. It's your life." He took a few steps toward the door.
He could only watch. It was a like a nightmare where he kept running and couldn't escape whatever threatened him, except that in this, he couldn't move.
"I'm sorry I screwed up though. I didn't mean to interrupt your life," Kouji said softly. "Good-bye."
He was helpless as Kouji walked out the door, disappearing into the gently falling snow.
~~~
The tears didn't stop.
All night, by himself.
It was so cold and the sobs wracked his body.
He was so tired and yet he couldn't sleep.
Kouji was gone.
No one could find him.
There was no one for him now.
Completely alone.
~~~
His eyes opened, but it was difficult. They were red and puffy from crying and not sleeping. But the reason he had opened them...
The door had creaked.
He saw him, lingering in the doorway, shy, unsure, upset. "Kouji..."
Kouji took a step forward. "Sorry to disturb you. I'm here for my stuff."
A fresh round of tears welled up in his eyes. "Kouji," he choked out. "Please..."
Kouji sighed and kneeled down beside his friend. "Genrou, maybe you're right. I'll just go and you can be leader like you were supposed to be and-"
"No!!" he interrupted, burying his face in Kouji's shoulder. "You can't leave me..."
Kouji's dry chuckle pervaded his senses. "As I recall, you were the one leaving me."
He just clutched tighter to him at this, unwilling to let go, to let him fade from his life.
Kouji did not hug back. "Genrou, tell me why. That's all I want."
A pause. He pulled away, his eyes seeking his hands or something else to focus on, anything but Kouji's face. "The... the man..."
Kouji frowned. He could hear it in his voice. "What man?"
"The one... that died..."
Hands reached for his and he clutched them like lifelines. "Go on."
"He said... it was wrong... disgusting... that I had ruined you... that it would be better for you... for the others... that... that..."
Kouji kissed him suddenly and deeply, cutting off his words.
He was a bit surprised. "Kouji...?"
"Moron, what are you thinking?" Kouji's eyes were dark. The sun would rise soon. "You can't toss love aside that easily."
He tightened his grip on Kouji's hands and was quiet.
"You still don't know, do you?" Kouji asked quietly.
He looked up. "Know...?"
"What love is." Kouji sighed, shifting his position so he could be closer. "I'll try again."
He nodded, turning his eyes to Kouji's.
"Have you ever felt inside you the fire of passion? Not lust. I don't mean that. Just such a fierce, protective flame, knowing there is one person, one soul, that you would do anything... anything... to protect." Kouji's grip tightened slightly, as if he did not realize it had happened, subconsciously. "Such a powerful thing that no matter what else is going on, if this one is happy, then you are too. On the other hand, when this person is hurting, you would kill just to see them smile. Have you ever felt that?"
No response.
Kouji frowned slightly. "Well, I've felt it. Idiot, you still don't understand." A pause and Kouji sighed. "It's worse, though, when you hurt that one person, when you are the cause of that pain, when you simply want to die because you've hurt them. And that's how I feel, Genrou. Because I've hurt you. And even though you won't say it to me yet, even if you never do, even if you never really get used to the idea..." Kouji stopped, lowering his eyes. "I love you." Another pause. "For me, you are that one person. That will never change. You protected your miko. Just know you have someone protecting you too."
"Kouji..."
"If you want me, I'll be around." Kouji started to shift his weight to stand up, but he held onto him, keeping him down. He moved closer to him, burying his face in his chest, not saying anything, not crying, just holding him tightly.
"Kouji," he said after a while, lifting his head slightly so he could be understood, "you didn't hurt me... I hurt you. I didn't understand."
Strong arms. Safe. They pulled him closer. "Genrou... don't."
He pulled away and looked at him, then kissed him lightly. "Don't leave me. Please. I'm sorry. You were right." He smiled slightly. "As usual."
Kouji gazed at him, his eyebrows lowered a bit, waiting.
"No matter what," he said quietly, "I'll be here. No matter who laughs, who yells, who hates. I'm not leaving you. I was wrong before. And you were right. You can't toss love aside that easily. I knew there was a reason I was hurting so much."
It took Kouji a moment to realize what he was trying to say. Then his eyes widened. "Genrou..."
He smirked, thinking that he must still look terrible. But it didn't really matter. Kouji had already come to terms with his feelings. It was about time for him to come to terms with his.
He smiled, watching his friend. And lover. He would have to surprise him more often like this. He shut his eyes and leaned against his chest and murmured the words.