Left Untold

I close my eyes, but it's too late, his image already burned on the inside of my eyelids. That gentle smile, the poised, careful stance, the red hair tied behind him. I swallow, my throat tight. I reach back and sweep a dark hair behind my ear, trying to focus on the powder I was making. Medicine. I could heal someone with this. I could help someone. Just not myself.

I take a deep breath and reopen my eyes. I feel someone gazing at me and deliberately ignore it. A breath. Pound. Breath. Pound. Breath-

"Megumi-dono, are you ready to eat?"

I jerk my eyes up to the kind face, keeping the flush down. He must have noticed. How could he not?

But his smile has remained unchanged. I nod a bit too hastily and stand, brushing the back of my skirt off. I follow him gingerly to where supper is prepared for all of us. Kaoru-san, Yahiko, Sanosuke, Ayame, Suzume... they were all waiting. I sit, feeling gawky and ridiculous next to the petite slenderness of Kaoru. Cheerful faces all around. As soon as Ken-san sits beside me, Yahiko calls out to start eating and everyone begins.

Kaoru turns to Ken-san and begins to chatter happily to him, the two children are giggling together, Sanosuke and Yahiko bragging to each other about some great accomplishment. I smile warily at my food and bring the chopsticks to my lips, pausing. Was this to be my life? Watching the happiness of others?

"Megumi-dono?" I hear a voice to my left say, the tone slightly worried. I look there, feeling rather blank. "Yes?" I ask vaguely.

"Are you all right?" he asks me, his dark eyes filled with concern.

I blink. "I..." As I glance away, I realize that everyone but he and Kaoru have left.

"You haven't touched your food," he points out, eyebrows crinkled.

I hesitantly glance down to my rice. "I... I'm sorry..."

He frowns and glances at Kaoru. She stands, giving him the sort of smile that a woman gives her lover when she is worried about him, and exits. I watch my heart get crushed with that look.

He turns back to me and gives that smile, the one he always gives me. The same smile he gives everyone else except her. "Megumi-dono, are you all right?"

May death strike me now, I pray, but nothing happens. "I..." What can I say? I had never acted so strangely. "It's been a long day," I murmur, straining for a hint of my usual manner.

He frowns slightly, but I ignore it. I stand brusquely, silent, picking up my bowl and sweeping off the kitchen to clean up. Away. Away is better so I don't burst.

I can hear them talking about me in the other room, the gentle whispers of worry and concern. I shut my eyes and lean my head against the wall. Cold. I'll never tell him. I won't allow myself to destroy this relationship he has. He's had too much pain as it is. Doctors know how to see that.

I'll joke with him, treat it as a farce, but he'll never realize I'm serious. Because my love is too true to let that happen to him.

My story about a sick patient ready, I take a deep breath and walk in to the other room where they are.