Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda.
Requested by Makokam, finally got it up, Merry Christmas! But the rest of you are entitled to enjoy, too!
Sorry if this falls sub-par.
Like Hero, Like Husband
"Listen to me when I'm talking to you!!"
The shriek was so loud and so high-pitched that everyone in the Market turned to look at a second-story window down one of the several side-streets, where the noise seemed to originate from. What was most interesting was that the window in question was the one at the house of Link, the most trusted of Princess Zelda's guard, and currently most eligible bachelor in Hyrule. But it seemed, then, that he was not an eligible bachelor, for the shriek was clearly that of an infuriated female, and most likely of an infuriated wife. Most curious... The townspeople could name several girls who would be very irritated when they found out about this...
"Keep your voice down, banshee!" Link roared back.
The sound of a sharp slap could be heard, and all the males listening below winced with sympathy.
"Don't you dare call me that!" The female voice yelled. "Now tell me: you said you were going to go to Lon Lon Ranch to buy milk. Where is the milk?!"
"I drank some on the way home, gave some to a beggar in need, and poured the rest for the dogs," Link said, somewhat calmer.
Another slap was heard. Over Link's protest the woman could be heard screaming, "You used that excuse last week! Don't think I don't know why you go to the Ranch whenever you know I'm not going to be with you! You're flirting with that Malon girl, aren't you?! What does she have that I don't have?! How could you do this to me, Link?! We are meant to be together! Partners! I " The rest was drowned out as the woman subsided into little sobs, and the man, having finished spluttering indignantly, countered all her accusations.
"What? Flirting with Malon? If you want to know why I really go to the Ranch, it's so I can ride Epona without you telling me there's a fence I need to jump over that I'm about to jump over! Do you know how much you can annoy me with all your nagging?!"
"Nagging?!"
"Nagging! And while I don't like her like her, I can tell you that Malon is less annoying and has a voice that's more enjoyable to listen to than your ReDead shrieks, and she at least has the decency to wear clothes!"
The townspeople uttered a dramatic gasp, but the two arguing upstairs out of sight did not notice.
"Why would I wear clothes?!" the woman shrieked, very much like a ReDead. "Nobody ever sees me! You don't even see me! How could I possibly wear clothes, anyway?! Your hat is good enough! And how dare you accuse me of nagging you? Where would you be without me? You'd be on the street, lost cold and alone and without a wise figure to guide you, or even worse, dead!"
"I can get by perfectly fine without you!"
"Fine then, let's see it!"
"Fine!"
Suddenly, Link came sailing out the window, and crashed into the fountain face-first. But because he had once been Hyrule's Hero, he was barely scathed; he seemed to have not noticed the blood, the cuts, the bruises, instead standing up and dusting himself off, muttering something darkly about fairies and their Goddess-damn inversely proportional strength.
He turned to glare up at the offending window. "Nagging flea!"
Everyone turned back up to the window, and suddenly, their jaws dropped. His fairy Navi was seen floating over the window, bobbing erratically, slightly purple from her anger. "You can come back when you admit that you rely on me!" she shouted, before slamming the windows shut so hard the glass shattered and fell haphazardly into the alley below.
"Don't hold your breath!" the red-faced Hylian yelled up at his fairy companion. "I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back!" He abruptly stood up and dusted off his tunic, pointedly ignoring the stares of the townspeople, questioning, amused, and even dumbstruck. Without a second look back, he turned and strode for the gate to Hyrule Field.
Suddenly, the sounds of furniture falling, glass breaking, and dungeons chests opening could be heard loudly from the window, with Navi cursing the entire time. Barely thirty seconds had passed before she came flying out the window with a much-too-large sack over what seemed to be her back.
"Not without me, you're not!" She grumbled angrily, but she seemed to have calmed down some. "You'd be lost without me! And besides, someone has to make sure to don't get your butt kicked by mystery monsters or angry girls. I was getting sick of town anyway."
"Hmph," Link said, folding his arms across his chest and turning away from Navi. "You're just afraid I'll find someone better than you," he said.
"Am not," Navi said, "You didn't care a thing about Tatl and you know it. I'm just worried you'll get killed by some monster you've never fought before and can't find the weakness in time."
"So you do care," Link said, chortling.
"Hmph," Navi said, turning away from Link.
By now the two noticed everyone in the Market Square looking at them, and they froze. "What?" they said in unison.
For a long time nobody dared to step up and ask if they were... well, you know... together...
Finally, one brave soul walked up. "Link... are you and Navi... well, you know...
Link looked at Navi, and Navi turned to Link, confused. "Are we what?"
The man gulped. "Well, you know... married?"
Link blinked. He and Navi turned to each other. Link turned red, Navi purple, and they looked away from each other.
"No!" Navi shrieked. "That's just weird!"
"They obviously don't understand that we are best friends, Navi," Link said in an aloof tone. "Well, we're above them. Let's go to Lake Hylia." And he turned and strode towards the drawbridge without ever looking back.
The townspeople, very confused, watched them go. And as Navi flew up to him and bobbed by his shoulder, she could plainly be heard saying, "And Link, don't forget to get milk..."
Ran out of steam at the end again...
But anyway, I hope you guys, especially Makokam, enjoyed this! Happy Holidays!