It's a numb feeling, Dantalion feels as if his soul is no longer attached to his body, he likes it. It's better than the despair he feels when he becomes aware of reality again. He takes another sip and focused on the burn in his throat. He likes being numb.
When he got transferred to a small town he felt annoyed, the city he can disappear in, a small town like that, he is going to stand out here. Be the talk of the town. But he can't complain because the system is rigged and it ruins all it touches. He was a prime example. The new family he's placed with isn't even trying. Their eyes say 'you're only here for half a year then we get the check'. He doesn't mind, he gave up hope for these things years ago when the world smashed him into pieces.
It's a small school, Stratford High. He didn't exactly expect it to be different than any other school but it's nice. It surprises him because it's so normal. There is no one that scans them for metal and the cafeteria serves food that looks edible. It shouldn't surprise him because this is how a school is supposed to look. And that is exactly why it does.
He finds the shadier parts in town easy enough. He has more knowledge about towns than anyone. The world might be diverse but in the end, humans aren't.
He can never really climb the hierarchy ladder, they always transfer him whenever he manages to settle a bit.
He has no money and he's sure the desperation in his eyes shows that because the dealer grins and tells him to blow him for a hit. It's not bad, the last guy got really rough and you can't beat up your supplier and then demand his stuff again.
He sinks to his knees, unzips the man's trouser and thinks of nothing.
In his English literature class there is this guy and Dantalion isn't sure what to think of him. The fact that he makes him think about anything at all is remarkable. They share a desk and he's sure that this guy, William Twinning is already judging him. He wishes he could say that he didn't care but that's a lie. He cares so much that it scares him.
The rumours about him are not exactly the truth but they're not lies. They whisper about juvie, drugs, and big cities. All of it is partly true but no one asks him, no one except William, his eyes ask thousand of questions.
The boy studies him and it terrifies him. Those green eyes he can feel drilling holes in the back of his head, it makes him feel something. He goes outside and smokes under the bleachers. He scratches at the scars around his wrist. He doesn't want this, he wants to be numb. So he leaves school early but returns 'home' late.
He falls into a rhythm. It goes way to easy but he knows that. Knows that there is no turning back from what he'll become. Dantalion wants to vanish into thin air. Waking up one day to find out that he is no more. It's a selfish wish to be dead while others gave their life for you. His chest clenches and he can't fall asleep anymore.
Somehow he dozes of during English lit. William kicks him awake and glares at him. They get detention, the boy looks horrified. Dantalion lies his head back on the table.
It's during detention that William finally talks to him. It's not a nice conversation but Dantalion didn't expect the bitter taste in his mouth after it.
"What's wrong with you?" William's eyes are blazing. Dantalion points at his own chest, "me?"
"Yes you! You don't do anything during class, you think you're too cool for school is that it?" Dantalion wants to say no, say that he just lost the joy that came with school, friends. He doesn't know why he doesn't.
William is beautiful when he's angry. Dantalion is sure he deserves his wrath.
"You come here with your bad boy attitude and think you can just shit on the rules, didn't you? Because you can't, people work their asses of for you. Show them some respect!"
(Suddenly Dantalion isn't seventeen anymore. He's twelve and his old caretaker is looming over him, alcohol breath making him feel sick. "I worked my ass off for you Danny show me some respect." Grabby hands squeeze and push him down, he can't breathe)
"Just so you know I won't allow you to lower the class and my credit!" And with that William turns his head and starts working on their homework. Dantalion feels like he's going to throw up.
He doesn't, he stares at William the entire detention.
It becomes a thing, it's new thing in his rhythm but he can't hate it. William makes him feel something. Whenever he feels like drowning he thinks of green eyes and expectations. It makes him want to prove he's worth something. He should've known better.
William is hugging another classmate, Sytry hiccups and presses their face in William's shoulder and he presses soft kisses on the crown of their head. "I love you, it's okay."
He loves them and Dantalion is not okay.
The world keeps turning and Dantalion keeps on being selfish. He didn't go home yesterday and now there is cum drying on the inside if his boxers that isn't his. His mouth tastes bitter and he's losing the last of his high.
He thinks of the flats in the cities, can almost feel the wind rushing in his face, can only imagine how the wind would feel if he would let himself fall.
He throws up in the cafeteria, people think he has a hangover. He doesn't but school gives him permission to go home anyway. He wants to laugh, scream at them that the only home he has here is on the ground in front of his dealer, but he doesn't. Nods his head like a good boy and goes away. He walks to the edge of the town, there is a gas station and he knows that they don't give a fuck about age. The twenty bucks burn in his pocket. Stolen from his caretakers when they weren't looking. He wanted to give it to Jerry but one look and he knew the man would never accept the money. Dantalion is the lowest on the ladder.
He enters the store, keeps looking at the ground and buys a pack of snickers and vodka. Neither tastes good.
He's not sure why he decided to drink in the forest, it's almost summer so the birds whisper and the threes rustle. He feels so out of place. The vodka burns away the feeling and he's grateful, lets himself sink away into a dark nothingness.
He dreams of his mother, she strokes the top of his head and pecks his cheek. I love you baby, she whispers, mama loves you.
He wakes up crying.
If she loved him so much, why did she leave him alone?
William confronts him before class. Starts telling him that there are rules and he can't just skip them when he doesn't like them, Dantalion doesn't really listen he only looks. His heart clenches in jealousy. He wonders what it feels like to be so full of life.
"You're bringing down our credit"
"I got send home because I was sick."
William blinks, it's almost comical.
"Oh right. Well don't be sick next time."
Dantalion feels the corner of his mouth twitch.
"Sure."
The dope Jerry gives him doesn't do much for him anymore, it gives him low highs and they're so short it feels like he's imagining it. When he asked for something stronger, Jerry just grins, calls him a slut and pushes him inside the building.
He limps to school and wonders why he still goes. Maybe it makes him feel good, it distracts him and a small part of his mind whispers, because William is there.
He goes and the new dope burns in his pocket. Just a few hours.
He is failing his classes. This doesn't surprise him, what does is that they seem to give a shit about it. He will be tutored until he reaches the Stratford level again. It makes him want to cry when he sees who will tutor him. William Twinning of course.
Their sessions are at William's home. The older version of him opens the door, takes one look at him shakes his head and calls William downstairs. "Hi, that's my brother Solomon. Just ignore him." The older brother mutters something but Dantalion doesn't know what, he's frozen in fear. This man was at the tank station, sold him the vodka and grinned. He doesn't know why he only now realizes that he looks like William. His fingers tremble, but he steps inside.
"You want a drink." He hears Solomon laugh and Dantalion wants to run, run and hide.
"We have some tea if you'd like." He nods and when William looks away Dantalion closes his eyes. The world is cruel, he should've known.
It doesn't stop him from going to the tank station again.
"You're not gonna show up drunk when William will tutor you right?" The asshole looks smug as if he can see straight through him. He shakes his head and leaves the shop.
He's going to drink to forget, he goes to William to remember (how to live).
William is nice in a rude way. Dantalion appreciates that in people. Rather has them say things in a blunt way and be cruel than lie to him and demand his devotion.
Even though William is a genius, the tutoring doesn't help.
Dantalion is smart but he doesn't want to learn anymore. The world is too much for him when his head is screaming at him but he can't tell William that. It frustrates the boy immensely to see someone throw away his mind. It feels like William thinks he's worth saving. The warmth in his chest is brief but it's there. He forces himself to remember that William doesn't know him.
Dantalion hopes he never will. He feels like a hypocrite, he lies but wishes for devotion.
Jerry gets caught.
Dantalion feels the ground fall apart underneath him. He breaks the window to Jerry's apartment. Takes all the dope he can find and runs.
Jerry becomes the talk of the town. Cute little boy wasn't as cute as people thought. Dantalion knows better, Jerry is an asshole and people are hypocrites.
The moon is out and Dantalion sits on the roof. His cheek burns and he's pretty sure he has bruised ribs. Guess they noticed the missing money, he grins at the sky. See mom? See what has become of me?
He falls asleep on the roof and misses school the next day. Skips the tutoring session.
William ignores him the day after that.
He deserves it.
Summer vacation is in two months, Dantalion is going to fail his year again. It's the second time he'll be held back. It's okay, even Stratford has given up on him, William has given up on him.
Dantalion has given up on himself.
He leaves after the third period. Can't handle English lit. Can't handle William's disappointed glare. He doesn't want to see, what you can't see isn't there. It's naive but he clings to it.
Solomon grins from behind the counter. "If it isn't my favourite customer." Dantalion wants to slap him, but he deserves this. Redemption isn't suited for those who are the sin. He's worse than the sinner because he is a sin, no amount of trying can save him.
He has three bucks left. It's not enough, not enough for the vodka and not for some cigarettes. He wants to cry, just to forget for a little while, it's all he wants.
His reflection on the counter scares him. Hollowed out cheeks, sunken eyes and chapped lips. He already looks like an addict, he already looks dead.
Solomon doesn't seem to care, he keeps grinning at Dantalion, he's enjoying it. "William was so disappointed when you didn't show up. But well my brother is a bit of an idealist you see, he had hopes that he could fix you." Solomon scoffs and looks Dantalion in the eye. "But you can't be fixed, can you." It's supposed to be a question but they both know it's not.
No one can save him.
He's not above begging, so he begs. Begs Solomon for scraps. He blows him and after that he takes the bottle with him. The taste in his mouth is sour.
He takes as sip.
But the taste lingers.
William stalks up to him, all angry and willpower. "You plan to miss you're next session?" He shrugs his shoulders. "Gonna be held back anyway." It hurts to look William in his eyes, he doesn't want to flinch and remember Solomon. He feels like he's going to be sick.
"How can you just accept that? Aren't you worth way more than this." William is earnest and Dantalion wants to smile and cry, he wants to be hugged, wants to be loved. In the end he merely shakes his head and fakes a grin. William stomps away and mutters angrily. Sytry walks up to him and pecks his cheek, glancing at Dantalion. He's mine their eyes say, back off. Dantalion blinks tears away. He doesn't know why he this bothers him. It shouldn't, he should know by now that he has no redemption. He would only taint William.
His English lit. teacher holds him back after class. She's a nice woman with warm eyes and an earnest smile. She asks if he's okay. No one ever really asks that so he panics.
She gives him tea and a scone, he's crying but he still laughs at the stereotype she's portraying. She grins too. She doesn't force him to talk but she looks at him, it scares him to be seen, that someone truly sees him. It's been so long that he doesn't know what to do. He tears the scone in small bits, this new dope ruined his appetite. Just thinking about eating something so sweet makes him feel sick.
"Dantalion." She reminds him of his mom, "Do you need help?"
He says no. His face says yes.
She hugs him but he's frozen, he wants to beg her to help him but he doesn't, she somehow knows that he wants to ask though. A tiny smile and a promise to meet up tomorrow for coffee, just to talk. He feels lighter already.
He forgets who he is for a while.
She never shows.
She will never show up again.
There was a car and she seemed distracted.
And now she'll never show up again.
He had forgotten who he was.
(it's all his fault, Dantalion the cursed boy. Not even his own mother could love him.)
When he was five his mother went grocery shopping. She never came back. His teacher back then must have mentioned it to someone because after a week the authorities showed up. He was dehydrated and starving, he was never supposed to survive that and yet against all odds he did. He often wishes he didn't.
He got into the system and when he was young and despite some trust issues, he was still cute, so he's relatively well of. The family he was placed with until I was eight, looked after him and he thinks they truly cared for him. He can't ask them, could never ask them again, wants to desperately know if they would've adopted him had they survived the fire he started.
(It was an accident, he left the plug in because his race-car needed to be ready for the race tomorrow.
There was no race.)
He goes to school stoned out of his mind to forget the day. He wants to forget the burning, the feeling of his own pyjamas catching fire, to ignore the still itching skin on his neck and wrists. He hugs himself and pulls his hoody up. He knows no one noticed them but he doesn't want to see them himself, today he wants to forget.
The school is still mourning the dead of Miss A. who despite being strict was loved by all. The guilt threatens to choke him and he debates taking another hit but decided against it. He's already high, an overdose would cause too much shit and yet the dope burns in his pocket.
"Dantalion!" He keeps on walking, hands stuffed in his pockets. Doesn't want to see anyone, doesn't want to see him.
"Hey wait up, are you okay?"
Go away he wants to scream. Can't you see I'm toxic, everyone around me dies.
William doesn't leave him, blocking his way the boy squares his shoulders. 'Try to move past me' his attitude says.
"Are you ok-" he stops and looks at Dantalion's face. "Wait, are you high?" His voice rises and some people stop walking to stare at them. "Oh my god you are! What the hell man!?" William sounds distressed and Dantalion feels a rush of anger, he wants to hiss at him to ask if he knows that his brother fucks a minor in exchange for some booze. If he knows that his favourite teacher died because of him? He doesn't.
He's staring at William, face stuck in an unreadable emotion, his eyes red and pupils immense because today he took more dope than he ever did before.
He pushes William aside and keeps on walking.
Just keep on walking and it'll be over
"This isn't over Dantalion!"
Of course it isn't William he wants to say, because the world is cruel and we are hypocrites.
He's on his hands and knees behind the trashcan, he can hear skin slapping but somehow he isn't feeling it. Solomon is quiet when he fucks and it's a weird relieve.
He lets his head hang and glances at the ground. There is a flyer lying there right in front of him, it says 'How to stop rape'
He starts to laugh, it sounds hysterical and he can't stop. Tears stream down his face and he's laughing because isn't this a joke.
Despite everything Solomon keeps going.
When he grabs the bottles (one a blow job, two for a fuck) the other stops him.
"You stay away from William you hear, nothing good comes from the lot of you."
It stings but he nods. Another day another hypocrite.
He drinks and cries.
He wakes up in a hospital.
They had to pump his stomach and the first thing on his mind is not, I'm alive but did they take a blood test? The terrifying thought of them taking his dope away from him scares him and he must be particularly out of it because he doesn't even noticed the doctor.
"Why are you crying Mr. Huber?" She smiles and it's kind but also distant, he's glad. No more connections,
'no good comes from the lot of you.'
They ask him why he drank so much, he cries and whispers about the family he lost. He feels like a hypocrite, he killed them and wanted relieve from the guilt. He doesn't tell him the last part but they believe it was a one-time thing. He cries until he falls asleep.
He dreams of the big cities, of his mother as an angel, his family smiling and him being stuck in the middle.
He wakes up chocking on even more tears.
He's discharged and sent home. No one came to pick him up, so he walks. Not to the place called home but to his hiding spot.
His stash is still there. His hands shake and he feels the beginning of withdrawal.
He tried to quit once but it didn't work, he felt too much. Still felt touches that weren't there anymore yet always in the back of his mind.
It's too late now anyway, not even the amount he uses now gives him the rush, he's too deep now.
He thinks of one of the girls he met in the city. She was skinnier than he thought possible and her arms always full of track marks, yet no one cared when they fucked her.
He remembers her lucid because she felt more real when she wasn't using. She always mentioned she regretted using heroin, but the dope wasn't doing it anymore.
He thinks of himself back in the city with the same grey skin and track marks.
It repulses him how easy it is to imagine.
He takes a deep breath and starts making a line.
No heroin, not yet.
School is finished, he didn't pass his year.
He's not surprised, he sees Sytry kisses William and he looks away. William isn't his, he can't save him. No one can. Not even man who looks like an angel. He walks away, the backpack heavy on his shoulder. No one would miss him until summer's over.
He doesn't plan on coming back, the city calls him.
Dantalion wished on a star that he would be remembered so when he vanishes from town, William notices.