Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 22
Airdate: March 16, 2014
Title: The Wade Crusade (Part IV of the St. Patrick's Day Quintet)
Segway Segment: St. Patrick's Day Quintet Code Hunt (featuring Wade)
Special Guest Stars: Bill Nye as Himself
Satire/Social Commentary: Usage of propaganda in 21st century television, cult of personality, how relatively small religions can easily gain a larger amount of followers, the Five-Percent Nation and its teachings
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Kaz, storyboarded by Dr. Nihilistic, directed by Peter Shin
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn are on the floor, bored.
SPARKY: Guys?
RK: Yeah?
(long pause)
SPARKY: What do you want to do today?
JAYLYNN: I...I don't know.
BUSTER: We COULD do a report on the influence of imperialism on World War I.
(Everyone stares at Buster like he's crazy)
BUSTER: Or we could choke each other out with noodles and see who draws first blood.
SPARKY: If that's the case, it looks like we'll be drawing TOMATO sauce.
(Sparky starts chuckling; RK has a blank stare and Jaylynn rolls her eyes)
SPARKY: You know, because tomato sauce looks like...blood and...
(The others continue to have blank stares)
SPARKY: Why do I (bleep) bother?
(Wade runs through the door and steps on RK's face)
RK: GAH! Hey, you jackass, could you watch where you're stomping on someone? A few more inches to the left and we could have had a serious problem.
WADE: Sorry, RK. I just have big news. Really big news. Really, really big news. HUGE news.
BUSTER: Is the news you telling us you have big news and not actually following up on said news, effectively pulling a bait and switch?
WADE: Um, no? Bill Nye's going to be at the library tomorrow!
SPARKY: Really? No way!
BUSTER: That IS huge news.
RK: Alright, Bill Nye!
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: Who the hell is that?
WADE: Bill Nye? You've never heard of Bill Nye?
JAYLYNN: No. Was he some guy that had a small amount of relevance in 1997 only?
SPARKY: I think you're thinking of Canibus.
WADE: Bill Nye, the science guy? His show was actually called Bill Nye the Science Guy? Ran for five years on PBS Kids in the 90s?
JAYLYNN: He had a show?
WADE: YES, HE HAD A SHOW! (long pause; Wade realizes he just flew off the handle) I mean yes, dearest Jaylynn, he had his own show.
SPARKY: Well, at least we found something to do tomorrow.
RK: Ah, Bill Nye. If anyone in the world knows how to make science cool, it's him.
BUSTER: You know, Bill isn't the only guy who was a star in the 1990s. I actually did a couple infomercials with Dionne Warwick.
WADE: No, you didn't!
(Wade stares at Buster angrily; long pause)
BUSTER: You know what? I didn't. There, Wade? You happy? You happy for just...ruining the bit like that? Huh? Ya happy? HUH?!
SCENE 2
Seattle Public Library - Felzenburg
Daniel Bryan Reading Room
Seattle, Washington
(More adults are noticeably here to see Nye than kids)
RK: I have to say, I'm kind of scared.
JAYLYNN: Why? I mean, it's not like Bill Nye is a huge pop star or something. In fact, he might be just as nervous as you are.
RK: Well, there's that, but I was talking about when Wade stepped on my face yesterday. One of my sharp teeth is loose. What if this is the start of something terrible? I COULD LOSE ALL MY TEETH, JAY!
JAYLYNN: Dude, relax, it's just a loose tooth. Every kid gets them. Like a tonsillectomy.
CUTAWAY GAG
A little boy's mouth is being checked out by the doctor.
DOCTOR: What the...you already got your tonsils out. What are you still doing here?
(long pause)
DOCTOR: Go away.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: Well, I still don't like it. My teeth could pop off at any minute.
JAYLYNN: Don't worry, I'll take you to the orthodontist after this.
SPARKY: Man oh man, this is going to be a slam dunk!
BUSTER: I know, right? This is just like that Martha Speaks episode where Neil deGrasse Tyson guest-starred. Damn kids going through puberty.
WADE: I have so many questions to ask Bill. I wonder what he thinks about the Five Percent Nation. I've been thinking about joining it.
SPARKY: Really?
WADE: Yeah. I mean, it seems like the way to go religiously. I think it will help...
BUSTER: I mean, couldn't they have gotten new voice actors/actresses before the season started? Alice sounded just fine, and they changed HER voice actress? They all sounded like cats smoking crack in the basement of an abandoned building in an inner-city New York area where the drug dealers never seem to finish their bottle of Olde E.
(long pause)
WADE: You're possibly the strangest person I know.
(Bill Nye comes out to huge applause while the theme song for Bill Nye the Science Guy plays in the background)
SPARKY: YES! (joining along with the song) BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!
BUSTER: BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!
BILL NYE: Thank you all for the wonderful reception, I...
(Sparky and Buster are still shouting "BILL!" long after the song is over; Wade smacks them both in the face to get back to reality)
SPARKY: Sorry, Mr. Nye.
BUSTER: Big fans of your show.
SPARKY: And the theme song especially.
BILL NYE: Thank you, a lot of people have commented that it's one of the greatest theme songs in PBS Kids history.
(whispering to Jaylynn) RK: He sounds like a more charismatic Ian Eagle.
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: Who's Ian Eagle?
(RK now has an angry look on his face)
SCENE 3
Seattle Public Library - Felzenburg
Daniel Bryan Reading Room
Seattle, Washington
BILL NYE: And that's why we can't just look at Mars as the only potential successor to Earth. It's been 45 years since man first landed on the Moon. We have to understand the process of even getting there now is a very expensive and painstaking process in and of itself. Thank you.
(Lots of clapping, especially from Buster, who looks like he's on crack)
SPARKY: What are you trying to do, fly?
WADE: That was so incredibly stimulating!
RK: Jaylynn, can we go now?
JAYLYNN: Alright. Guys, I'm taking RK to the dentist.
(RK and Jaylynn leave together)
SPARKY: Since when does RK want to go see the dentist? He's hated that place for years.
BUSTER: Well, there's a time and place for everything, I guess.
WADE: Speaking of which...
(Later on, Bill is talking to people who attended the one-day seminar)
BILL NYE: Of course, I think Mr. Tyson is an incredibly intelligent man.
WADE: Mr. Nye?
BILL NYE: Yes? Hey, I think I know you. Are you the kid that sent me a fan letter that had a song in it to the tune of the Mr. Ed theme song?
WADE: I keep thinking it was Green Acres. But yes, I'm that kid.
BILL NYE: Well, I really enjoyed that letter. I admire the scientific mind in this generation any time I see it.
WADE: Well, this generation has a couple rotten apples to spoil the bucket. Thankfully, I'm one of the red delicious.
Sparky notices Wade and Bill laughing.
SPARKY: I really hope for Wade's sake that he isn't telling Bill Nye corny jokes. He said he wouldn't!
BUSTER: Hey, everybody's pretentious with something. Wade with his knowledge, Jaylynn with poetry, you with cooking, RK with pop culture, and me with...with...what AM I pretentious with?
SPARKY: Of course you wouldn't know.
SCENE 4
MetroTech Dentistry
Interior Dr. Sosio's Office
Seattle, Washington
(RK and Jaylynn are waiting for Dr. Sosio; there's a poster of a leprechaun on the wall)
RK: You know, Jaylynn, now that we're homies and everything, I have to be blunt with you.
JAYLYNN: OK.
RK: Didn't you hear me? I said I have to be blunt with you.
JAYLYNN: OK, be blunt.
RK: Really? Because I can be pretty blunt with people.
JAYLYNN: Then it looks like you've met your match because I've been shut out by people so many times and been taken for a ride that I can hurt a person's feelings and not care about the consequences.
RK: Damn, you're hardcore.
JAYLYNN: Life made me that way. So what do you have to be blunt about?
RK: I actually hate the dentist.
JAYLYNN: So?
RK: Come on, that's honesty in its truest form.
JAYLYNN: No, that's just something general. I thought you were going to call me an ugly bitch or something.
RK: No way! You're kind of attractive and I like your cynicism.
JAYLYNN: Thank you. You know, I actually feel the same way.
RK: Small world!
JAYLYNN: Yeah. So, why do you hate the dentist?
RK: Well, it's a little weird. I tend to outshine the other guys.
JAYLYNN: Really?
RK: Yeah. I always have the best teeth. Meanwhile, Buster's teeth looks like lemons covered in mayonnaise.
JAYLYNN: Ewwwww.
RK: Yeah, he doesn't like to talk about it so keep quiet for his sake. Meanwhile, I have teeth that are as shiny as gold chains. Check 'em out!
(RK flashes a cocky smile)
JAYLYNN: Whoa, those are bright!
RK: Didn't I tell ya?
(Dr. Sosio walks in)
DR. SOSIO: Hello, Mr. Jennings.
RK: Dr. Sosio. We meet again.
DR. SOSIO: Who's this cutie pie?
RK: Oh, she's my friend Jaylynn. She's new to Seattle.
JAYLYNN: No, I'm not. I moved in last summer.
RK: You're still new in some ways.
DR. SOSIO: Well, RK, what appears to be the problem?
RK: I have my first loose tooth and I'm a-scared! What's going to happen?! I'll probably die!
JAYLYNN: RK, I told you, you're not going to die.
DR. SOSIO: Exactly, it's just a loose tooth. Don't worry, RK. This kind of thing is normal for any kid.
RK: Oh, what a relief.
JAYLYNN: See, you have nothing to worry about.
DR. SOSIO: However, you ARE a late bloomer. Most kids begin to lose their baby teeth between the ages of 4-7.
RK: So I'm a big fat loser?
JAYLYNN: No, RK.
DR. SOSIO: I was two days short of my ninth birthday when I lost my first baby tooth. By the time you're your brother's age, all your baby teeth should be gone.
RK: I just hope I'm not a late bloomer then if you catch my drift.
(Jaylynn stares at a beaming RK disgustingly)
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is looking around for one of his books in his locker. Buster and Wade are standing by.
SPARKY: Where's my English book? I could've sworn I put it in here the other day and I never even took it home.
BUSTER: You know, you and Bill Nye were pretty chatty yesterday. What happened?
WADE: Why didn't you ask me that right after the fact?
BUSTER: Because we need fresh new banter every day. Now speak words.
SPARKY: Would you guys know where it is?
BUSTER: Probably not. I hardly even know where my own books are half the time.
WADE: Well, anyway, I talked to Mr. Nye about the Five Percent Nation and he said that I should take the opportunity when it's presented. He said growing up religious is a lot easier to deal with than just converting later on in life when you're more aware and bitter.
SPARKY: I don't get it. I've checked this damn thing six times over! I bet Halley stole it again because she knows I'm a better writer than her. Oh, if she took it, so help me...
BUSTER: Wade, are you sure you want to become a Five Percenter? You've been a Unitarian ever since you came up with your first theory. Besides, without religion, there's a lot more freedom to do whatever you want like me.
WADE: Buster, you don't believe in anything. You're the type of person to denounce God and then ask for his help when you're in serious trouble.
BUSTER: Just the stereotypical ones. And that's a slur so you better watch that mouth of yours.
WADE: I'm just saying...
SPARKY: I'M just saying that if somebody doesn't help me find my English book, I'm going to scream loud enough so everybody can hear!
(Buster checks Sparky's bookbag and finds the English book)
BUSTER: It's right here.
SPARKY: Wow. It looks like the Geto Boys aren't the only ones who are having their...minds playing tricks on them? I think I thought too hard about that. See you guys in class.
(Sparky leaves for class)
WADE: I can't think too hard about the Five Percent Nation anyway. I have a big meeting with PBS Kids in three days.
BUSTER: What?! How?!
WADE: Bill said the network is producing a new children's science program and they're looking for a host. The best part is, the host gets creative control!
BUSTER: So, he thinks a fourth-grader as a host on a PBS Kids show is a good idea?
WADE: Yeah. He said that I'm wise beyond my years and that will play a big role in me getting the part.
BUSTER: Why do they need ANOTHER science-related show? Don't they already have Sid the Science Kid and Wild Kratts?
WADE: I don't, um...I don't think kids actually watch those shows.
BUSTER: Really? I think they both have decent-sized audiences.
WADE: Yeah, decent is just slightly above average, so until they start pulling in the ratings of Arthur and Cyberchase, what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
BUSTER: Don't be glib about this stuff, Wade.
WADE: I'm not, I'm just being honest.
BUSTER: Whatever.
WADE: I actually think Wild Kratts isn't that bad, but (bleep) Sid the Science Kid.
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK is hitting his loose tooth with a spoon)
KG: RK, what the hell are you doing?!
RK: I have to get my loose tooth out. This is like puberty before the puberty so I'm not going to make any moves but the best moves.
KG: Dude, using our clean, fancy, imported spoons is NOT GOING TO GET YOUR TEETH OUT. No, seriously, these come from Sweden, you should be very careful with such things.
RK: Your silverware fetish aside, how can I get this loose tooth out?
KG: You just wait until it becomes loose enough. Then you yank it and KERPOWIE! It's gone, just like that. Then the Tooth Fairy leaves a dollar and a new fat cable under your pillow.
RK: Cool! Cash AND gold! The Tooth Fairy's awesome!
KG: Don't I know it. One time when I was 11, I wanted the Tooth Fairy to come really bad so I punched myself in the face to make two of my baby teeth come out.
RK: Did it work?
KG: Actually, it did. Of course, Mom and Dad were pretty upset that they had to come home to find out. And I was bleeding from the mouth. And then I cried about it for a couple days until our next-door neighbors came into my room and blasted me with a trumpet. So I took a .45 and sprayed them with it.
RK: KG, is there a point to this story?
KG: No. I just really like telling it to people.
SCENE 7
PBS Headquarters
Interior Meeting Room
Arlington, Virginia
Wade is in the middle of a room of network executives, including PBS President Paula Kerger. Bill Nye is also there.
(in his head) WADE: Wow, look at all these serious suits and ties. I might not even get the role. Well, if I'm dying today, I'm going to die like a hero. (spoken) Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished members of the board, my name is Wade Rakim Saltalamacchia. And I would like to personally say that science and I have a very loving relationship. I'm strongly considering being an astrophysicist when I grow up. But that's besides the point. What you need for your new children's show is someone who's on the level of the children. Someone who knows just enough to reach those little tykes while also demonstrating youthfulness and exuberance. For years, we've gotten the same mind-numbing, indoctrinating pablum over and over again for kiddie shows. Well, it's time to put a stop to that! We need someone who can develop a personal relationship with the show's target audience. Someone who can give PBS another big name like Sesame Street. Someone who can bring adventure, enlightenment, and fun to science again. I am Wade Saltalamacchia, and this is what I bring to the table. Thank you.
(A huge ovation follows for Wade)
SCENE 8
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Jaylynn are watching TV.
RK: You know, Jaylynn, I hear that getting rid of loose teeth early on brings great health later on.
JAYLYNN: Really? Golly gee, I wonder who would be dumb enough to fall for that crock.
RK: Come on, Jay.
JAYLYNN: RK, I'm not going to help you get rid of your loose tooth, it happens when it happens.
RK: Didn't you tell me your Muslim friend got rid of HER loose tooth the other day?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, because she was patient and waited until it was the right time to yank it out. Trust me, RK. I've lost four loose teeth in my life. And during that time, I learned how to shut up and deal with it.
RK: You're a real dick sometimes, you know that?
JAYLYNN: So are you. I mean, you intentionally got us taped together last week.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK is apparently taped to Jaylynn's back, and his eyes are widened.
JAYLYNN: Um, RK...
RK: I have NO idea how this happened.
SCENE 9
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Testicular Sound Express is there.
WADE: Hey, you guys know that children's science show I tried out for?
RK: No.
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?
WADE: Oh, that's right, you guys weren't part of that bit. Bill Nye got me the opportunity to audition as the host for a new science-related PBS Kids show, and I WON THE PART!
(Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn all say "ALRIGHT, WADE!")
RK: YOU'RE GOING TO BE A TV STAR?! MY BEST FRIEND IS GOING TO BE A TV STAR?!
JAYLYNN: Do you think you'll get to meet Madeleine Peters and tell her..."My friend Jaylynn's been checking you out?"
BUSTER: Is it going to be live?
SPARKY: Should I have a good feeling about this?
WADE: Guys, it's going to be live every Friday afternoon. They're filming around my house, the streets of Seattle, it's going to have an intimate feeling. The producers of the show think I'll benefit from it.
BUSTER: I wonder if they're going to bump Wild Kratts in favor of your show.
WADE: Makes sense. The ratings are crap anyway.
SPARKY: I don't know why, but I have a feeling this is going to backfire.
RK: Sparky, you can't be so pessimistic. Good things happen. Remember last year's NCAA Division I Basketball Championship and I saw Georgetown get eliminated again? I didn't lose hope, and the next day I found out it was still true.
SPARKY: RK, you kept yelling "WHAT?!" at the TV during the game and you cried yourself to sleep the next day.
RK: See, that's what happens when you don't hope.
SCENE 10
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade's show is about to start in 15 minutes. He's being prepped by stylists while the rest of TSE looks on.
(on the phone) WADE: Bill, I don't know about this. What if I don't connect with the kids?
BILL NYE: I had the same jitters when MY show started back in the day. Just remember that you can't act as anyone but yourself. Kids are smarter than you think, they can see through you in a second.
WADE: You're telling ME. That's why child molesters have been downgraded to slightly threatening.
CUTAWAY GAG
A child molester is in his car with a little boy in the back seat.
CHILD MOLESTER: Alright, so we're going to go to McDonald's for some dinner and I'll give you "dessert" at my place if you catch my drift.
(long pause)
LITTLE BOY: Are you trying to touch me?
(The child molester looks scared)
END OF CUTAWAY
WADE: Hey guys.
RK: My best friend getting his shot at the big time. You better not mess this up, YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I'm sorry Wade, but for motivation purposes, I'm going to have to be passive-aggressive with you half-involuntarily.
WADE: Fine with me, I have a high tolerance for tough love.
RK: Well, that's just dandy, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR CANDY ASS IF YOU DON'T!
SPARKY: Ah, look at you. You're the black Mr. Wizard.
WADE: Thanks for the compliment, Sparky. I presume.
BUSTER: Hey, do you think you can get me an autograph from Mr. Egghead? I love that guy. Whenever he's around, I'm in a scientific mood.
JAYLYNN: Buster, Mr. Egghead isn't real.
BUSTER: WHAT?! I don't know anything anymore!
(Camera cuts to Buster's brain, which is reading the newspaper)
BUSTER'S BRAIN: (sighs) What's the difference?
("My Philosophy" by Boogie Down Productions playing in the background)
VOICEOVER: It's time for Wade's Philosophy, the cool new science show for kids! And now, here is your host, WADE SALTALAMACCHIA!
WADE: Hello everybody, and welcome to the pilot episode of Wade's Philosophy here on PBS Kids GO! I'm your host, Wade Saltalamacchia. And this afternoon, we're going to enter the wonderful world of science with insolation being the topic of discussion. And just so I can add some product placement, the following is presented by the Five Percent Nation which I am now a part of. AM I RIGHT?!
(long pause)
WADE: Don't worry, my knowledge of science is far more representative of my personality than my sense of humor.
While watching at Sparky's house...
JAYLYNN: Oh my God, he is so cute! Not in that way.
RK: What other way could you have meant?
JAYLYNN: I'll let you know later.
SPARKY: You know, this has the potential to be one of PBS Kids' best shows in years.
BUSTER: Well, Wade just has that incredible skill to thrive in the spotlight. Like Shawn Michaels.
CUTAWAY GAG
At WrestleMania XXIV, Shawn Michaels faced Ric Flair in a Career-Threatening Match. If Flair lost, he would be forced to retire. He did end up losing. During the match, Michaels attempted a moonsault on the outside, but he missed Flair and cracked his ribs on the announce table.
JIM ROSS: OH MY GOD! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE MANEUVER BY SHAWN MICHAELS! THE HEARTBREAK KID HAS JUST DEFIED THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, AND SPIT IN ITS FACE! SPIT RIGHT IN IT!
KING: JR, he's hurt! He didn't stick the landing, what are you talking about?!
JR: I don't give a damn, King! GOOD GOSH ALMIGHTY, SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN AN ESPY! A DAMN ESPY FOR HIS EFFORTS! TELL YOUR GRANDKIDS ABOUT HOW IT COULDN'T BE DONE, BUT HE DID IT! TONIGHT!
KING: Ross, you're an idiot.
JIM ROSS: Honestly, (bleep) you, this was the most incredible thing I've seen in the last six minutes.
END OF CUTAWAY
SCENE 11
PBS Headquarters
Interior Meeting Room
Arlington, Virginia
MALE EXECUTIVE: Wade, the ratings for your pilot were incredible. This is the best any science-related kids show on our network has ever done, 6.6 million viewers tuned in to see Wade's Philosophy.
WADE: Well, you know how you have to make a good first impression or you're better off not making one at all.
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: It's wonderful, the style of your show is so relatively different from anything we've produced for children, how do you come up with it?
WADE: Well, Margaret, I can't honestly tell you that everything was 100% planned to be a success. But I will say this: When you have a certain program and you finally lock into what you want it to accomplish, it makes you even more confident to keep on doing it. And that's all you can really ask for.
MALE EXECUTIVE: It's great. Let's see how you do next week.
(Another male executive walks in)
MALE EXECUTIVE #2: Paulie, I'm telling you...
PAULIE: PETERSON, GO AWAY, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!
(Peterson stares at Paulie disappointed and leaves the office)
WADE: What's wrong with Peterson?
PAULIE: He always wants me to play mini golf with him and I'm sick of it!
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is once again trying to pull his loose tooth when Jaylynn comes in.
JAYLYNN: I just wanted to check to see how you're holding up, but it looks like you're doing fine, so I'm just going to go and forget I ever saw this...
RK: Jaylynn, help me pull out this tooth! It really hurts and I'm probably going to be serious pain at the end of all this!
JAYLYNN: RK, let go of the tooth.
RK: NO!
JAYLYNN: RK...
RK: Jaylynn...
(RK and Jaylynn stare at each other, and Jaylynn tackles RK and the couch falls over)
RK: MY TOOTH! IT'S OUT!
JAYLYNN: Are you sure it's a good thing having it done so...premature?
RK: Well, it was Wade's fault anyway. Besides, the tooth isn't even mature. It's just a baby that's due for puberty in a few months.
(Jaylynn sighs)
JAYLYNN: So I'm assuming you're waiting for a visit from the Tooth Fairy?
RK: Of course I am. I'm going to shine this up real pretty, brush and style this bad boy, and put it under my pillow waiting for a buck and a chain.
JAYLYNN: They give out gold chains now? That's weird, I never got one.
RK: Well, maybe they're personalized. Like cards for stereotypical New Yorkers.
CUTAWAY GAG
A stereotypical New York man is looking for birthday cards and he finds one with a cat on the front.
BIRTHDAY CARD: Aiyyo, happy (bleep) boithday! Meow!
(The New York man stares confusingly at the camera)
END OF CUTAWAY
("My Philosophy" playing in the background)
WADE: Now, using this five-layer cake, the Principle of Superposition is pretty easy to understand. This layer at the top represents the youngest of the bunch. If it's further down, than the layer is considerably older than the ones on top of it. You can always tell how old a layer it is by WHERE it is.
("My Philosophy" playing in the background)
WADE: The summer solstice is the longest day of the year because of the amount of daylight during that time, and because the Sun is at its highest point in the sky. This only happens twice a year. Well, before we wrap up the festivities, let's go over the Twelve Jewels from the Nation of Gods and Earths itself: Knowledge, wisdom, understanding, freedom, justice, equality, food, clothing, shelter, love, peace, and happiness. Peace.
("My Philosophy" playing in the background)
(while wearing a T-shirt that says "I Drop Science") So one thing to remember is that science is much like the Five Percent Nation. 85% of people in the world are blind to what the subject is really about, 10% understand science but use it as a fallacy, and the remaining 5% are the forthright, the righteous. The ones that use science as a tool for enlightenment and help other people by enlightening them as well. Praise Allah.
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are walking through the halls when they see people wearing shirts with phrases like "Half-Man, Half-Asiatic" and "My Cipher Is Complete."
SPARKY: Buster, do you notice anything different about school today?
BUSTER: Yomaris knows how to shake her caboose?
(Sparky raises his eyebrow at Buster)
BUSTER: I saw her let loose in the locker room and I almost passed out from how sexy it was. What's on your mind, champ?
SPARKY: Everybody is so Afrocentric now. It's creepy. People are embracing the Nation of Gods and Earths like a fashion trend, almost as if...wait, do you think Wade has something to do with this?
BUSTER: Nope.
SPARKY: Come on, the signs are there. He constantly references that religion on his show, he joined the Five Percenters right before the show even started, and if there's anyone who would take the time to make his own soapbox out of something, it's Wade. You can't be that out of the loop, Buster.
BUSTER: I can be. I was pretty misinformed about Chris Benoit.
CUTAWAY GAG
FEBRUARY 2008
Buster and Wade are watching TV at Buster's condo.
BUSTER: What happened to Chris Benoit? I miss that guy. Is he injured or what's the deal with that?
(Wade stares at Buster bored for a while, and then goes back to watching TV)
END OF CUTAWAY
SPARKY: I'm pretty sure you knew.
BUSTER: I wasn't watching wrestling at the time, I wouldn't have known!
SPARKY: Dude, that was the hot topic on MySpace for weeks.
BUSTER: Well, I wasn't a part of it!
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is eating lunch by herself when she sees RK in a purple top hat, purple jacket, purple pants, black dress shoes, purple tie, long sleeved purple button down shirt, three gold chains with Mercedes-Benz medallions, a WWE Championship replica belt around his waist, and a walking cane.
RK: Hello Jaylynn. How are the tater tots today? Very...tatey with a hint of totty?
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: I don't think that psychiatrist will ever be able to fix you. I'm being honest right now, you look like Willy Wonka's gay lover.
RK: Oh, Jaylynn...you and your rudimentary sense of humor.
JAYLYNN: Dude, why are you wearing that garbage?
RK: It's not garbage, this whole thing caught me by the hook of $600.00. Shipping and handling not a problem.
JAYLYNN: You paid $600 for that?! If I wanted to look like an idiot too, I would just raid your closet.
RK: You dirty son of a bitch.
JAYLYNN: But dude, seriously, why?
RK: Well, getting rid of that loose tooth made me feel like I'm growing up. I'm starting to become a man. Have my package. Not bragging about it, just needed some fresh clothes for validation.
JAYLYNN: You lost your first loose tooth at nine years old. What else did you do, lose your virginity for Pete's sake?
RK: Yes.
(Jaylynn looks shocked at an emotionless RK; he then starts laughing)
RK: HA, YOU'RE SO SHOCKED AND I NEVER EVEN DID IT! YOU BUM!
(Jaylynn stares angrily at RK)
SCENE 15
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
WADE: So you think I'm just using the show to further my religious views?
SPARKY: Yes, Wade, and I'm not a fan of your tactics.
WADE: Well, if you must know, I'm not doing this on purpose. Maybe people are just interested in the Nation of Gods and Earths.
SPARKY: Probably, but I don't think this is just a coincidence. I mean, it's not out of your realm to make unnecessary personal forums out of these things.
WADE: Hey, look, I'm being mentioned on Al Jazeera America!
SPARKY: Really?
NEWS REPORTER: Tonight on Al Jazeera America, we take a look inside one of the hottest new children's shows around the world, Wade's Philosophy. Airing on PBS Kids, the show has been averaging over 4,000,000 viewers since its pilot a couple weeks ago. While teaching kids science in a unique way that has brought PBS back to the forefront of children's television after a dry spell in recent years, the kid host Wade Saltalamacchia has also been under fire for spreading the teachings of the Five-Percent Nation, a religion that has roots in Islam and believes that black people are the original human race. The question is: Does Wade's Philosophy use religious propaganda under the guise of morality?
SPARKY: See? Even Al Jazeera is on your ass about this!
WADE: Wow, I didn't even realize how far this was going. You know what, Sparky? This isn't about me. I have to stop this before it gets out of hand.
SPARKY: You know, at the end of the day, it really is all about the children.
("My Philosophy" by Boogie Down Productions playing in the background)
WADE: This afternoon on Wade's Philosophy, we're going to find out how in order to truly understand science, you need to understand the origin of the Five-Percent Nation's role in hip-hop culture.
(watching at home) SPARKY: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
(The "oh-oh-ohhhhh-oh" from the Big Time Rush theme song starts playing in the background as the camera zooms in on a pissed-off Sparky)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
WADE: Hello everybody. My name is Wade Saltalamacchia from the televsion series Thank You, Heavenly. The St. Patrick's Day Quintet is in full effect, and it's time to get an update on those codes. Did you get the one in "Duck Infection?"
(A clip is shown of RK wearing the Boston Celtics Rajon Rondo jersey)
WADE: Yup. The third code is "Celtic." How about the one in this episode's first act?
(A clip is shown of the leprechaun poster)
WADE: That's right, code #4 is "Leprechaun." Don't forget to check out the next two codes tonight and tomorrow night!
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade is talking to some kids near his locker. Manny and Will are also there.
WADE: When you're blind to the facts, you're part of the 85%. When you use the facts as a lie, you're part of the 10%. But when you use the facts and you teach, you're part of the 5%. And who would want to keep the facts a secret? Losers, that's who.
WILL: You're so enlightening, Wade.
MANNY: We're both huge fans of your show.
WADE: Aren't we all fans in this world?
Sparky and Buster are watching.
SPARKY: I just don't understand why Wade feels the need to shove this Five Percenters crap down our throats.
BUSTER: Sparky, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with what Wade's doing.
SPARKY: He's using the show as a religious platform. Kids are learning more about Allah and Rakim's lyrics than the periodic table of elements.
BUSTER: I don't know. Maybe Wade just likes teaching people. Besides, his show is being critically acclaimed. As long as he's not using it for his own personal gain or anything...
WADE: Hey guys! Check out this fat stack of cash! All from that dumb kiddie show! Man, using the Five-Percent Nation to convert the idiots and spike ratings was a genius idea! (Wade cackles and leaves)
BUSTER: That son of a bitch, you need to do something!
SPARKY: You mean, WE need to do something.
BUSTER: I know what I said, I don't want to get sucked into this.
SPARKY: Oh, you're getting sucked in like the latest Flappy Bird addict!
BUSTER: Dammit.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: RK, I was doing my homework. What did you call me here for?
RK: Jay, I realized something.
JAYLYNN: That you're a mentally detached sociopath?
RK: No, you idiot, I realized that months ago. It's who I am. Anyway, I realized that the Tooth Fairy comes only when you have teeth under your pillow.
JAYLYNN: Yes, that's in the job description.
RK: Well, I've been watching some Arthur today, and in my hand is THIS.
(RK holds up a shark tooth attached to a string like a necklace)
JAYLYNN: A shark tooth?
RK: No, a phallus, yes, it's a shark tooth!
JAYLYNN: RK, don't do this. The Tooth Fairy doesn't like being tricked.
RK: D.W. tricked her.
JAYLYNN: Arthur put the money under her pillow himself. Besides, that's a cartoon.
(while pointing at the camera) RK: Um...
JAYLYNN: Why do you need more money and a fat cable anyway? You have over 400 gold chains and more than half of them were made abroad.
RK: While my sexy collection appreciates you mentioning it, I'm not looking for another chain. The outfits Rakim wore in the video for "Move the Crowd" went on sale yesterday, and I'm going to be the first to take my shot at them! Why wait for the government to give me enough money when I can con the Tooth Fairy for it?
JAYLYNN: You do realize this may possibly be your worst idea ever, right?
RK: No, convincing Vince McMahon to start the XFL was my worst idea ever.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK is at Vince McMahon's house in late 2000.
VINCE MCMAHON: Don't I need real-world football knowledge to do this?
RK: No, just obscene amounts of cash.
(long pause)
VINCE MCMAHON: You know what? I'm doing it.
SCENE 18
PBS Headquarters
Interior Meeting Room
Arlington, Virginia
PBS executives are talking to Wade.
PAULIE: I wonder what this pot of gold is doing here. Anyway, Wade, we need to talk about Wade's Philosophy.
WADE: Oh crap. I'm being cancelled, aren't I?
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: No way! Your show is a ratings hit. Your last episode scored 8.3 million viewers. You're not going anywhere.
WADE: Wow, because I was almost about to go into a heart attack there.
PAULIE: You see Wade, this Friday, we have plans to unveil a new science-related programming block. And we want Wade's Philosophy to be live in prime-time.
WADE: No way!
PAULIE: At 8:00!
WADE: NO WAY!
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Yup. It's going to be called Dash's Dance Party after our mascot Dash.
DASH: Hey kids! Let's dance!
WADE: It's not time yet.
DASH: Oh.
WADE: Hey, where's your little sister Dot? I haven't seen her in any commercials lately.
DASH: She's a recovering crack addict. Don't ask me where she got it from...OK, I gave it to her.
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is watching TV when Buster walks in.
BUSTER: You know that prime-time version of Wade's Philosophy that he told us about?
SPARKY: Yeah.
BUSTER: It's going to be at the KeyArena. 5pm our time.
SPARKY: This is terrible. The show is really popular and Wade is just going to spread Allah's teachings to more than 10,000 people! Plus, imagine the millions watching on TV.
BUSTER: I don't know why Wade tries so hard to increase the religion's population. If it's supposed to be so special and unique, then adding more people will just make it as dominant as Christianity or Judaism. And everybody will know the facts.
(A lightbulb appears above Sparky's head)
SPARKY: THAT'S IT! Wait a minute, wait a minute! Buster, the bulb's flickering!
BUSTER: Hang on, Sparko.
(Buster turns the bulb a bit and it stops flickering)
SPARKY: Oh, that's better. If Wade can use the power of television to control people, we'll use the power of radio! Well, it will be more ethical anyway.
BUSTER: So, you're telling me we're going to convince people not to watch Wade's show or come to the KeyArena because of the religious propaganda on it?
SPARKY: Yeah, basically.
BUSTER: So we're going to fight subliminals with subliminals?
SPARKY: It sounds bad when you put it that way, but yes.
BUSTER: Then aren't we no better than Wade?
SPARKY: You know what you're pretentious with? Pointing things out, it's very annoying.
BUSTER: Wait...YOU'RE RIGHT! Hey, have you seen RK and Jaylynn lately?
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK and Jaylynn are dressed like the Tooth Fairy late at night.
JAYLYNN: I am absolutely in awe of this moment. And not in a good way. RK, why the hell are we dressed like this?!
RK: Jaylynn, if I'm going to trick the Tooth Fairy, I need to sell it. We're the Tooth Fairy's minions convinced that RK's been a good boy and deserves more cash. Then I can snag those "Move the Crowd" outfits. Any questions?
JAYLYNN: How far are the depths of your insanity?
RK: Pretty far, I'd imagine. OK, to make sure this is an Oscar-winning performance, we put the tooth under said pillow. And then we communicate with the Tooth Fairy himself or herself, sexual orientation might be included. Alright, let me try a message: "Fake thug, no love, you get the slug, CB4 Gusto, your luck low, didn't know 'til I was drunk though."
JAYLYNN: How is this going to help?
RK: Just give me a second. Let me try another message: "Coolin' on the scene like a horse in a stable, a brother got ill, tried to snatch a fat cable. I stepped back like it wasn't no thing, I punched him in the jaw with the fat gold ring."
JAYLYNN: I just noticed we look like Dwayne Johnson's stunt doubles.
RK: OK, I think the Tooth Fairy's reached contact with us. Now we close the windows (RK closes window), we LOCK the dollhouse (RK locks the dollhouse placed next to his bed), and that's it. Jaylynn, I'm pretty disappointed in you. Go away, you were no help.
JAYLYNN: Whatever.
(Jaylynn leaves the room; long pause)
RK: If she ruins this for me, I'm snapping her neck tomorrow.
SCENE 21
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Radio Station
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: OK, it looks like the others aren't around. Where's Wade?
BUSTER: I think he's home working on material for tomorrow's show.
SPARKY: Alright. We're in business.
("Cult of Personality" by Living Colour playing, which is the radio show's theme song)
SPARKY: GOOD MORNING ICARLY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! I'm Sparky MacDougal.
BUSTER: And I'm Buster Newman. This is Adrenaline Overdrive.
SPARKY: And we have a lot to cover in 55 minutes, but you know, Wade's Philosophy, the hit PBS Kids show, is having a special prime-time episode tomorrow night at 5:00 local time from the KeyArena in downtown.
BUSTER: Yes, it's going to be a historic night for the first week of the Dash's Dance Party programming block. I just hope he doesn't mention the Nation of Gods and Earths again.
SPARKY: Of course. All that kid does is talk about the Five Percent Nation.
BUSTER: Yeah, does anyone really want to hear an eight-year-old prattle on about religion for a half-hour on PBS? Kids are getting brainwashed into thinking the Five Percent Nation is the only way to go.
SPARKY: Yeah, good for him converting and whatnot, but for a Unitarian like me, what am I supposed to believe? God is a lie?
BUSTER: Exactly. The truth? Wade's Philosophy is teaching everybody that God is a lie. Jesus is a lie. All under the costume of a science kiddie show.
SPARKY: I hear that Wade kid's just in it for the money.
BUSTER: Yeah, because when you're a millionaire, everybody cares about your opinion. When you're not, you suck.
SPARKY: Yeah, because society is only based on what's in. Everything else is yesterday's news.
BUSTER: Wade Saltalamacchia is spitting on religion by making his show all Afrocentric and junk.
SPARKY: I mean, would I even tune in? Probably. Just to see what else the kid has to say about how the Five Percent Nation is #1.
BUSTER: Yup. Propaganda's for chumps.
SPARKY: Amen. OK, we're going to take a short break so here's "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses to keep you company.
(Sparky presses a button and the song starts playing)
BUSTER: Do you think this will work?
SPARKY: Once I upload this to YouTube, Wade is toast. To be honest, I actually don't feel really giddy about this.
BUSTER: Me neither. But I guess certain things have to be done. Like bin Laden's murder.
(long pause)
BUSTER: Am I going to Hell for what I just said?
SPARKY: Ah, you're atheist anyway.
SCENE 22
KeyArena
Interior Basketball Court
Seattle, Washington
Hardly anyone is there for the first prime-time episode of Wade's Philosophy. RK and Jaylynn are in the front row while Wade is pacing in the center.
JAYLYNN: I feel sorry for Wade. He was really excited about this.
RK: I bet the Tooth Fairy not coming the other day was YOUR fault.
(Jaylynn angrily stares at RK)
WADE: I don't get it. Where are all the people? I HATE MY LIFE!
(Sparky and Buster walk up behind Wade)
SPARKY: Wade, as smart as you are, you should realize that we live in a "What have you done for me lately?" society. If you don't have the support to back you up, your opinion is irrelevant.
WADE: But I DID have the support. Someone took it away, I'll bet.
BUSTER: Oh, that was us because you were being a pretentious dick.
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!
BUSTER: What, we were going to come clean eventually!
SPARKY: Yeah, as in not so soon!
WADE: Why would you guys do this to me?!
SPARKY: We were sick and tired of you using your show for your own personal gain! All you were doing is spreading the teachings of the Five Percent Nation!
WADE: Yeah, I was helping people.
BUSTER: Yeah, those who didn't want to be helped. You preyed on those who can't think for themselves! Wow, I sound like you, Sparky.
SPARKY: Wade, the point is, if the Five Percent Nation is so pure and unique, why make it the dominant religion? You're just going to have a bunch of idiots in it who don't understand it and are only doing what the last guy did. And isn't that what being a part of the Nation of Gods and Earths is about? Going against the grain, enlightening those who can't be enlightened themselves?
WADE: I guess you're right, Sparky. I got so caught up in how cool the Five Percent Nation was, I tried making everyone a part of it. I used propaganda to get what I wanted. I feel so dirty.
BUSTER: That's how I feel whenever I watch the fourth season of Victorious. Even near the end of the third season, it was pissing me off.
WADE: There's only one way I can fix all this: By renouncing my faith in Allah and leaving the Five Percent Nation.
BILL NYE: Wade, that's counterproductive.
WADE: Bill, what are you doing here?
BILL NYE: I had to see this train wreck in person.
BUSTER: You dick.
SPARKY: Bill, why shouldn't Wade renounce his faith?
BILL NYE: He's just doing damage control. Wade, you joined the Five Percent Nation because you were interested in its teachings. You're only leaving because of what the majority thinks, so in theory, you're no better than those people.
WADE: So I should keep my faith in Allah?
BILL NYE: Of course. You can't let anybody rattle your cage about this. But you also can't force your views on people, even if it was so incredibly easy to do in your situation.
WADE: Well, I'm taking your advice, Bill. I'm staying a Five Percenter. But what about Wade's Philosophy?
BILL NYE: Oh, PBS is most likely going to have you axed for this.
WADE: Oh. (long pause) So our partnership is over?
BILL NYE: Basically, yeah.
WADE: Well, it was fun to interact with one of my heroes. I met Spike Lee last summer, but all he did was complain about how he wasn't allowed to direct 12 Years a Slave.
(black screen)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: And now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Street Dreams" by Nas playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY