The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been shot. Just a little something that probably happened right before the events of Deadly Velvet.
Archer Nights
"So let's recap the past twenty-four hours," Ray spoke up. "Archer screws up a mission. Lana breaks up with Archer over Veronica Deane. Lana and his mother chew out Archer over both and Archer runs out like a fraidy cat."
"That is exactly what happened Ray," Cyril sighed as he drank some coffee. He and Krieger were in the bullpen with Ray. "Oh and the rest of us got freaking hypnotized and then drunk off our asses."
"And Lana not only hasn't used you for revenge sex yet," Krieger added. "Almost immediately she then gets hired by Ellis Crane to be a technical advisor on his new movie."
"Deadly Velvet," Ray added. "God damn even the name sounds sexy."
"And speaking of which guess what Archer is probably doing right now?" Cyril rolled his eyes. "Apparently he's making up for lost time when he was with Lana. And then some!"
"You don't know that," Krieger pointed out.
"Please! The odds of Archer not having sex are about the same as the ocean not being wet, salty and full of crabs!" Cyril snapped. "Which in Archer's case, a very apt analogy."
"We all knew this breakup was only a matter of time but even I didn't think it would get this bad," Ray admitted.
"Where do you think he went this time?" Krieger asked.
"Who knows?" Cyril snapped. "Where the Archer goes only God and the Devil know!"
"Remember the time we asked him to get some take-out food?" Krieger remembered. "And then he decided to get it from Italy so it would be 'super authentic'."
"Yeah and the idiot got so drunk he ended up on the wrong plane?" Cyril groaned. "Three days later he calls from Hong Kong and says he found the most authentic noodle place ever."
"I'll be amazed if we see him in the next two weeks," Ray admitted.
"Two? My money's on six!" Cyril snapped. "Honestly the longer he stays away the better!"
"I think you both just lost your bets," Krieger pointed.
"Ugh…" Archer walked in looking quite hung over in the clothes he wore the other day.
"Well look what the drunken half dead cat dragged in!" Cyril growled. "I'm surprised Archer. I'd thought you'd be gone at least a six weeks after your latest bender!"
"Eat a dick Cyril," Archer grumbled as he poured himself a drink at the bar.
"Where the hell were you all night?" Ray asked.
"I think I was at a porn star's party," Archer blinked as he sat down on the couch.
"What?" Cyril, Ray and Krieger shouted at the same time.
"You're joking?" Cyril groaned.
"I'm serious!" Archer said. "I was at this bar and I find this smoking hot red head. Like Juliana only younger, nicer and with an American accent. So we get to talking, drinking…A little make out in the coat room. Then she asks me if I want to go to this party a friend of hers is having and she says there are going to be drinks. So I figured 'Why not'? Free drinks!"
"Uh huh," Cyril nodded. "We're with you so far…"
"So we get in my car and start driving around for what feels like forever," Archer said. "Until we come to this really nice house in the hills. There are people everywhere. And as soon as I pull into the driveway I see a crowd of people just standing around. Just standing there looking at something."
"House in the hills…" Krieger blinked. "Okay…"
"So I get out of my car to yell at them for blocking the driveway when I happened to see what they were looking at," Archer said. "It was two people screwing right there in the driveway! A man and a woman buck naked on a beach towel. Just going at it!"
"So far your theory holds up," Ray remarked.
"The next thing I know I'm in the back with three women at a margarita bar with some guy named Rick pouring some of the best tequilas I ever had," Archer said. "There were women everywhere barely dressed. One was rolling around on roller skates. People swimming naked in the pool. And two more people were screwing right in the bushes."
"A couple questions," Ray said. "Were there people doing cocaine?"
"Yeah," Archer nodded. "A whole bunch of them at a couple different tables."
"Were there guys with names like Dirk or Chester talking about screen plays?" Ray asked.
"Yeah…" Archer said.
"Was there at least one guy sitting alone in his car crying?" Ray asked.
"Oh yeah," Archer nodded.
"Was somebody taken out the back door unconscious?" Ray asked.
"I think so," Archer blinked. "Some girl was screaming about some guy and I saw her follow these two guys carrying him out."
"Was there a hot tub?" Ray asked.
"Definitely!" Archer said. "I was in the hot tub with the redhead and one of her friends with some other people."
"And was one of those people a slightly sketchy older guy with some facial hair?" Ray raised an eyebrow. "Going on about his art?"
"Yeah! In the hot tub!" Archer said.
"You were at a porn star's party," Ray told him.
"I thought so!" Archer said definitely. "That explains all the cameras and sound equipment in nearly every room."
"Unbelievable!" Cyril groaned.
"Did this party end with either a fistfight or somebody shooting a gun?" Ray asked.
"Both!" Archer told him. "There were two chicks going at it and they got thrown into the pool. Then some guy comes in, catches his wife screwing two guys in another room. Pulls out a gun, shoots all three of them dead before blowing his brains out!"
"Jesus Christ!" Cyril gasped.
"Yeah that was when the party started to break up…" Archer nodded. "And I thought it was a good time to get out. It was almost sunrise anyway so…"
"So what about the girl you came with?" Krieger asked.
"What about her?" Archer blinked.
"You just left her there?" Cyril shouted.
"I guess! I mean she passed out on the couch earlier," Archer told them. "So I ended up with these other two women in the back room and…Uh oh."
"Uh oh what?" Ray snapped.
"I think I might have accidentally ended up starring in a porn film," Archer blinked.
"WHAT?" The men all shouted.
"How the hell do you accidentally end up starring in a porn film?" Cyril shouted.
"Yeah! How?" Krieger asked cheerfully. "Tell us all the details!"
"I can see a person accidentally getting a walk on but not starring…" Ray admitted.
"I don't know! It was all so hazy after the hot tub and the hustle contest!" Archer barked. "Which I'm pretty sure I won."
"So what happened after that?" Cyril snapped.
"I said everything is hazy!" Archer barked. "However…" It looked like he was remembering something.
"However…?" Cyril asked.
"I do remember someone calling out 'You're a natural man' while I was doing the women in the back room," Archer blinked. "And again in the kitchen with another redhead. And someone yelled 'more whipped cream' and there was. A lot of whipped cream."
"Oh dear lord," Ray groaned.
"Now that I think about it, it was unusually bright and warm with all the…" Archer blinked. "Lights…Uh oh."
"Yeah uh oh!" Ray snapped. "Empty out your pockets."
"Why?" Archer asked.
"Just do it!" Ray snapped.
"Okay fine…" Archer did so. "A stick of gum. A bottle cap. A couple of phone numbers on tissues, a candy bar wrapper…And…Wow, almost twenty grand in cash."
"You had a productive night," Krieger said.
"Archer this drunken binge was bad even by your usual standards!" Ray groaned.
"Considering Archer doesn't have any standards," Cyril quipped. "That's saying something."
"Oh boy…" Archer pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolded it. "I think it just got worse. This does not look good…"
"What is it?" Cyril groaned, dreading what was to come.
"It looks like some kind of legal thing," Archer blinked.
"It probably is!" Cyril grabbed the paper and looked at it. "It's a release form! You signed a release form!"
"Let me guess!" Ray spoke up. "With the name Randy am I right?"
"Randy Randerson to be exact!" Cyril snapped. "And then underneath he writes and I quote…By the way, not my real name. It's Sterling Archer!"
"Oh for crying out loud!" Ray snapped. "Archer you never put your real name on these things!"
"Duh!" Krieger rolled his eyes.
"What exactly does this mean?" Archer asked.
"It means you can now add porn star to your already checkered resume!" Cyril snapped.
"WHAT? I can't be a porn star!" Archer barked. "That would ruin my reputation!"
"Really? That's what you're worried about?" Ray asked. "That being a porn star would ruin your reputation?"
"In addition to being a failed drug lord," Cyril spoke up. "That was arrested for smuggling cocaine into Columbia…"
"A disgraced former CIA operative…" Krieger added.
"Deposed pirate king," Ray added.
"Disgraced spy from an illegal spy agency," Cyril added.
"Failed arms dealer," Krieger spoke up.
"Unlicensed private detective," Cyril added.
"A second rate bartender that broke up more marriages than poured drinks," Ray added.
"Serial adulterer," Cyril added. "And all around horn dog."
"Burger flipper at a failed restaurant," Ray added.
"Ooh! I forgot about that one," Krieger remarked.
"Me too," Cyril admitted. "Author of a book so unrealistic it was sold in the humor section."
"Being banned from at least five countries," Ray added. "Including Canada!"
"And on top of it all the treason charges which even though they were dropped are probably still in your file," Cyril added. "And out of all of that, porn star is the thing that bothers you?"
"Wow…" Archer blinked. "When you put it all together like that, I guess porn star is kind of arbitrary."
"And the least of your problems!" Cyril snapped. "Which with our luck will add to our problems!"
"Like what?" Archer asked.
"Let's back up to the triple homicide and go from there," Cyril gave him a look.
"Technically it was a triple homicide and a suicide," Archer corrected.
"Again! That's not the point!" Cyril snapped.
Archer thought a moment. "You think the cops would get involved?"
"Unless the guy who owns the house has a guy who regularly disposes bodies for him on retainer," Ray said sarcastically. "It's highly likely."
"The police will show up and have to investigate," Cyril said. "Clear cut case or not! Which means they will be looking for witnesses and collecting fingerprints and DNA samples!"
"And probably find some other samples," Ray added. "Like cocaine?"
"And possibly some penguin feathers," Archer spoke up.
"Penguin feathers?" Ray asked.
"Yeah they had a real penguin in the bathtub," Archer admitted. "Pretty sure that's not legal."
"Trust me, it's not," Krieger sighed.
"That was some party," Ray blinked.
"And they might find out that the place belongs to a porn star!" Cyril snapped. "If they just happened to come across some camera equipment with film in it!"
"Which sounds like a very likely scenario," Krieger added.
"Okay so technically I left a crime scene," Archer waved. "Big deal. Nobody knows me. And even if they did a DNA swab there were literally hundreds of people at that party so…"
"And how many of those people's fingerprints and DNA are registered in the CIA's computers?" Cyril folded his arms.
"What do you mean?" Archer asked.
"What do you mean, 'what do I mean'?" Cyril exploded. "Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?"
"It's like explaining the Theory of Relativity to a goldfish," Krieger groaned. "And I should know…"
"When would the CIA get our fingerprints and DNA?" Archer asked.
"You're kidding right?" Ray was stunned.
"He's not…" Krieger moaned.
"Do you or do you not remember when the office was first shut down over two years ago by the God Damn CIA posing as the FBI?" Ray screamed. "Remember? The flash bombs? The firefight? Brett died?"
"Oh that," Archer waved. "But that was a fake bust."
"But they took our real fingerprints!" Cyril reminded him.
"Oh right…" Archer blinked.
"And they also got our DNA somehow!" Ray said.
"How would the CIA get our DNA without us knowing about it?" Archer asked.
Everyone looked at Krieger. "Would you like to explain Krieger?" Ray asked sarcastically.
"No, no I would not…" Krieger gulped.
"So let's assume that the CIA has our fingerprints and DNA in their files," Cyril went on. "And that our profiles have been programmed into the CIA's computers and flagged for any cross checking with all other law enforcement computers because the CIA still holds a grudge. Because we screwed up almost every mission they gave us."
"And in your case screwed around nearly every mission they gave us!" Ray glared at him.
"So they are just waiting for us to screw up so badly that they can find a reason to shut us down again!" Cyril snapped. "And once again we'd be out of a job and on the street!"
"Oh come on!" Archer protested. "You really think Hawley, Slater and those other dicks at the CIA would be so petty and have such a grudge against us that they'd deliberately program their computers to raise a red flag if any one of us gets in trouble so that they could make sure that we'd get punished and…"
Archer then stopped and blinked. "And as soon as those words came out of my mouth…Literally as they were coming out of my mouth."
"We are so dead…" Ray groaned.
"Hang on! I'll just go back to the house and steal the film! Easy!" Archer shrugged.
"And the house is where exactly?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"Uh…" Archer blinked. "In the hills. Somewhere."
"Uh huh," Cyril folded his arms and glared at him. "Do you remember what it looked like?"
"Uh…I know it had a pool and a hot tub and a roof…" Archer blinked.
"So that narrows it down to nearly every house in the hills outside of Los Angeles!" Cyril said snidely.
"Archer even if you did find the house, odds are the cops are there by now too," Ray pointed out. "What are you going to do? Drive up there and ask: 'Hey police officers. I was here at the party last night. Did any of y'all find a porno film or two I may have accidentally shot'?"
"Well I definitely wouldn't say y'all…" Archer corrected. "I'm not Southern, Ray. Unless I pretend to be Southern as a cover…"
"That's a moot point by now," Krieger pointed out. "Whatever film you did shoot is probably at the studio by now."
"Yeah the studio! I bet there's an address on the release paper!" Archer looked at it.
"What does it say?" Cyril asked.
"It doesn't exactly have an address…" Archer blinked. "It just has a name."
"And the name?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"Big Bob Bodunk…" Archer blinked. "I don't think that's a real name."
"Odds are it's not," Cyril groaned as he put his hand on his head in anticipation of a headache. "So to recap…In addition to being a witness at a triple homicide…"
"And suicide," Krieger added.
"And suicide," Cyril went on with a sigh. "And possibly the police and CIA looking for you when your DNA and fingerprints get identified. There is at least one porn film starring you somewhere either in the city of Los Angeles or one of the surrounding towns. In a hidden studio which could be anywhere. And could either be distributed or downloaded on the internet at any time."
"And odds are somebody in the CIA will somehow see or find out about that porno," Krieger added.
"Oh come on! How would the CIA find out?" Archer scoffed. "What you think people who work for the government watch pornos and…?"
Archer stopped. "And as the words were literally coming out of my mouth…Uh oh."
"This is going to end up like San Marcos without the nerve gas!" Ray groaned.
"Only this time Ms. Archer won't be able to negotiate our way out of this!" Cyril snapped. "Which reminds me of your other problem with all this!"
"There's another one?" Archer asked.
"Technically two other problems," Ray folded his arms. "Your mother and Lana?"
"Oh," Archer winced. "They would not be happy with this development."
"No, they would not," Ray shook his head.
"Even if by some miracle the police and the CIA never find out about you being at that party," Cyril explained. "Odds are Lana and your mother will!"
"Especially since you made a porno!" Ray snapped.
"I think I made more than one…" Archer winced. "Maybe two or three? Depending on the editing…That bathroom did get really freaky."
"Both your mother and Lana would freak out if they found out about this!" Ray pointed out.
"And any shot you had getting back with Lana would go down the drain faster than battery acid," Krieger added.
"Which is why none of you are going to tell them!" Archer warned.
"We don't have to!" Cyril snapped. "That's not the problem!"
"The problem is when they see it for themselves!" Ray told Archer. "Or someone else brings it to their attention!"
"Who? Who would see it and tell them?" Archer scoffed.
Then he realized. "And as soon as I asked the question…"
Somewhere in the agency…
"Oooh! New porn from Big Bob! Pam's lucky day!" Pam grinned as she sat at a computer.
Then she watched the film. "What the…?" Pam was startled.
Then she began to laugh. "Way to go Randy Dicknuts! Bow chicka wow-wow!"
She then did a double take when she looked at the screen. "What's the deal with the penguin?"