"There is no such thing as love, you know that Kali." Sirius said late at night in the Astronomy tower.
Kali sighed, used to his words. The fire whiskey sloshed up against the bottle, Kali was rendered helpless and only listened to Sirius's words knowing he would apologize for them the next morning.
"No one can love, it's a lie," Sirius shook the fire whiskey bottle at her, some of its contents pouring from the mouth of the bottle. "So," Sirius said making his way towards Kali. Once he had reached her he wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her in. The smell of alcohol on his breath was almost intolerable tonight. "So, I like you a lot."
Kali searched his eyes for any trace of any emotion, but all she saw where the same hollow hurtful grey eyes she saw every night. As he kissed her she knew she was only a replacement for the empty fire whiskey bottle that lay unforgotten on the Astronomy Tower. Kali didn't know why she bothered keeping up with Sirius anymore, it seemed an impossible task. It was all because she loved him, but could never tell him. Sirius didn't believe in love, he would throw her words right back at her.
There was an emptiness in Sirius that Kali could never fill. He had been hurt to many times in the past for simple words and actions to make up for it. Kali was a minor replacement, a piece of wood over a hole. All she was meant to do was break in the end.
The next night, like every night, Kali met Sirius in the Astronomy Tower. He was leaning up against a wall, a cigarette poised in his hand. The scene was almost majestic; Sirius's silhouette with the cigarette smoke tracing his body. Kali wondered if she was the only one that saw the cigarette smoke trace the crown of thorns he bears.
Kali walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his stomach and kissing him on the neck. "There is no such thing as love, so I like you a lot." She whispered into his ear, knowing that's what he wanted to hear. Kali knew him better then she knew anyone else. She knew he was afraid of love, he was afraid of being let down. She wanted to help him; she wanted to show him there is love. But she felt foolish thinking she could change him. She knew he brought other girls up here with him, but she never said a word. She always thought that he loved her more, that he would choose her in the end.
Sirius turned around and kissed her. The smoke from the cigarette laced in her mouth. Kali went to sit down and Sirius followed, placing his head on her lap. Kali took the cigarette from his hand and brought it to her mouth, pausing briefly before breathing in the cigarette fumes.
Sirius took her hand and laced it in his, appreciating the beauty Kali held. "Why do you put up with me?" Sirius asked, seeing how perfectly their hands fit with one another.
"Because, I lo-like you a lot."
"Why?" Sirius asked, knowing Kali didn't care that he was a Marauder, and that everyone fawned over him. He knew Kali actually liked him and wasn't one of those other girls Sirius wasted his time with. Sirius didn't know why he bothered with other girls. Maybe he wants to see Kali hurt, so others know what it's like to feel pain. To hate the people you love. Of course there is no such thing as love, love is for the weak. Love is only a word meant to do describe an emotion, or meant to use when there's no other hope. Love doesn't exist, only people exist.
Sirius looked up and the cigarettes smoke was tracing Kali's head, creating a ring. She looked perfect; no one could capture the natural beauty she had.
"Because-oh Sirius what does it matter?" She sighed.
Sirius sighed wanting to hear words of acceptance, but Kali provided none as they both sat wordlessly.
The next night Kali saw Sirius kissing a girl. Never before had Kali witnessed Sirius kiss another girl. This was their spot, not someone else's. Kali watched in horror as Sirius kissed her with passion, but there still seemed to be something missing when he kissed the other girl. It could've been Kali's mind playing with her, wanting to believe Sirius only really cared for her and that these other girls were only play toys, they where to be disposed of the next minute. So, Kali coaxed herself with that idea. Wanting to believe it all true, that Sirius will pick her in the end. Kali sat in the corner, without Sirius's knowledge, waiting until the girl left. Kali would do anything for Sirius, she knew she loved him. She knew it was love; there was no other word for it. Whenever she thought of the word it fit, no other words seem to satisfy that feeling. And so as she continued watching Sirius give another girl her kisses she could feel her heart fall, it kept on falling until it reached the earth's crust and disappeared.
"Do you believe in heaven?" Kali asked, coming out of the shadows when the girl had left.
Sirius didn't even jump when she spoke, his back was turned towards her and he stood staring at the moon. "I don't believe in much."
Kali sucked in a breath "do you believe in us?" She asked, not letting go of her breath until she heard the answer.
"Do you?"
"I want to, but you need to let me."
Sirius turned around, his eyes dancing. As he neared Kali she could smell the alcohol on his breath once more. "Don't I give you myself?" Sirius said, his voice rising.
"You give yourself too many girls, Sirius." Kali said in a whisper.
"Did you honestly think that only you could have me?" Sirius snarled, making Kali draw back.
She searched Sirius's eyes feeling empty, feeling hurt, feeling used. "Yes," she said in a whisper, wishing it was true.
Sirius gave a low harsh laugh "all you girls are so foolish, believing in something you know will never come true. Why can't you understand there is no love?! Kali, why don't you understand? I need you to understand! I don't want to see you hurt every time I'm with another girl. If you don't believe in that ridiculous emotion people call love then you won't hurt, you'll have no reason to. If you just like someone, a lot, there's no pain attached."
"What if I want to be attached Sirius. Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think that I want to feel pain, so that I feel something, anything at all? If love makes me feel, then I would choose love any day."
"That's what separates you from me, Kali. You believe in a ridiculous emotion, while I accept the fact there is no such thing." Sirius could see now how much he was hurting her and he instantly felt sorry for it. "Kali, I'm sorry. Just forget what I said. Please, don't leave me, I need you. I need you more then I've needed anyone. Don't leave me like everyone else."
Kali couldn't understand why so many people looked to him as an authoritive figure, the star to light their path and show them the way. When he was so lost himself. Kali wanted to be his star, she wanted to show him the right way. But he won't let her, he won't let anyone. He is fragile, like a doll, you love them but they can never love you. Meant to be looked at, never handled. Even though she knows all of this she'll always forgive him, maybe it's because she knows this she forgives him. "It's ok Sirius," she whispered as he wrapped his big arms around her pulling her in.
"I need you Kali, I need you." Sirius whispered into her ear.
Kali bit her bottom lip to keep the tears falling down her face.
The next night Sirius paced the Astronomy Tower impatiently as he waited for Kali. He needed to hear her comforting words again, needed to feel her soft lips under his one more time.
Sirius heard the door swing open and was expecting to see Kali but instead saw a disheveled Remus.
"Mooney, are you ok?" Sirius asked, noticing his disheveled appearance.
"It's Kali" Remus said slowly, panting.
"What about kali?" Sirius asked hesitantly.
"She-Sirius, I'm really sorry, but…she's dead." Remus whispered the last words.
Sirius felt as if he had been thrown against the wall and now was unable to move. "How?" Sirius asked quietly.
"She-she, um, jumped, Sirius. She jumped from her room." Remus moved in closer, waiting to see a reaction from Sirius. Disappointed when he saw none he fumbled for a note in his pocket. "She left this for you; I didn't read it or anything. I just thought you'd want it." Remus handed Sirius a small piece of parchment.
Sirius took it with a steady hand and Remus left. Sirius slowly opened the letter, wondering if he shouldn't open it at all. But this was from Kali, his Kali, his dead Kali.
Sirius,
I love you
-Kali
It's a good thing Sirius Black can't love.