"Oh, piddle," Draco sighed, shaking his white-blonde locks succulently. "Dear me. Father will be so upset. I've spilled a potion on myself and now I have a vagina."
"This is why we do not practice the careful art of potion-making with an accompanying nonchalance that results in a dismal reality of nincompoopery," said Professor Snape. "Mr. Malfoy, your punishment will be detention, with me, after dinner tonight, in my nonsexy at all potions room in the dark, dank, vagina-like crevices of the dungeon."
"Oh," Draco sighed, blinking his large steely grey eyes that had soft lashes that rested against Jack Spicer-pale cheeks. "But tonight I was supposed to read Lord of the Rings for magical literature."
"Well, perhaps you had better find another time to read your little magic novel," Snape pooh-poohed.
"Actually, there's very little magic in the book," Draco rationalized.
"I don't care. You're still coming to detention."
"Wait until my father hears about this!" Draco sassed.
"I thought you didn't want him to find out because he would cane you with his cane and then rape you with his cane and then rape you with his cock and then make you lick the cane."
That's true, thought Draco. But father does have great hair.
XXXXXXXXXXX
"Harry Potter!" screeched Professor McGonagall. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, no passing notes in my transfiguration class!"
"But, Professor!" Potter whined, his emerald green eyes constantly reminding everyone of his beautiful heroine of a mother, Lily, who had died treacherously at the hands of Lord Voldemort when Harry was but a wee little boy, instead of a teenager who just acted like a jerk all the time. "If I don't pass notes to Hermione we won't be able to figure out who's been releasing the Demons of the Secret Moonstone Papaya which causes all the evil in the world to become magnified so that Lord Voldemort who killed my parents and wants to kill me can come to power again!"
"Yes!" chimed in the most annoying girl in the wizarding world. "We are so close to finding out who was taking those secret photographs of me in the shower!"
McGonagall frowned, her wrinkled lips pouting unpleasantly. "Stop making up stories, Potter. Everyone knows the Demons of the Secret Moonstone Papaya don't exist. They're just a myth. That's detention for both of you. Hermione, you're going to help me clean my office. Potter, I seem to remember my good friend Professor Snape telling me he needed help organizing some potions in his stinky vagina-like office."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry shouted. Hermione rolled her eyes.
XXXXXXXXXXX
That evening Harry was wandering alone down a long corridor when he decided to make a quick detour to the second-floor girls' lavatory. They had the best tasting water fountain for some reason.
Predictably, Moaning Myrtle came floating out of one of the urinals. Why were their urinals in the second-floor girls' lavatory? That's a good question. "Haaaaaaaaaaaaarry!" Moaning Myrtle moaned eerily.
"What is it, Myrtle?" Harry asked, not looking up from the gurgling water fountain.
"I wanted to warn you about something. Hee hee," Myrtle snorted.
"Is it about the Secret Moonstone Mango thing?" Harry asked, looking up.
"No, no it's not," Myrtle replied, picking her nose.
"Then what is it?"
"Well, I found out who is taking pictures of Hermione in the shower."
"Who is it? Tell, tell."
"Well, it was me. I have this big crush on her. In fact, I've been sneaking into her room at night and, well, you know…"
"Um, ew."
XXXXXXXXXXX
At dinner that night, Harry shoved food in his mouth: steak-and-kidney pie, jellied eels, bangers an mash, Welsh rarebit, stilton and onion salad, and sticky toffee pudding. "This food is disgusting," Ron sighed, pushing it around his plate. "Why is it assumed that British people love to eat the worst food ever?" Harry tried to respond but he just kind of sprayed little chunks of beet on Ron's shirt. "How can you eat this shit?"
"Um," said Harry, changing the subject. "I have detention tonight?"
"Ooooh," said Ron sarcastically. "I had detention yesterday."
"What did you have to do?"
"Hang out in Professor Sinistra's phallic astronomy tower and clean the floors."
"Well, I have to go to Snape's vagina-dungeon and, I don't know, take acid with him again."
"Yeah, that was a freaky sort of weekend. Well, you'd better get going." Ron waved bye-bye. "Um, bye-bye," he said creepily.
"Bye-bye yourself."
XXXXXXXXXXX
Harry was surprised to see his arch-nemesis/crush waiting for him in Snape's vagina. I mean, office. Draco was polishing a long, thin beaker suggestively. "What are you doing here?" Harry snickered.
"I have detention too," Draco snapped back, "But I got it first, so I'm better."
"Oh, shut up," Snape interjected. "You are both awful. Look, I've been called away to some very important non-papaya-related business. You two stay here and fuck or do whatever it is you do."
"Bye, Professor," Draco sneered.
"Goodbye," Harry flirted half-heartedly.
Snape left nonchalantly, slamming the dungeon door behind him. Draco and Harry heard the door being locked by some very clangy keys.
"This sucks," Harry said.
"Yeah, I know. Being stuck in this room with you really stinks," Draco guffawed.
"Speaking of stinking, do you smell something? Something vagina-like?"
"No. I don't smell anything. Maybe it's just this vagina-like office."
"No, it just looks like a vagina. It smells more like coconut. There is definitely a vagina somewhere in this room." Harry was very confident. He had inherited his dad's nose for these things. That's how James had met Lily.
"There is not!" Malfoy interjected.
"Yes there is. And since we're the only two people in this awful dungeon, and I know that I don't have a vagina, it must be you. Lift up your cloak."
"No!" Draco pleaded, but it was too late. Harry had already forced his cloak over his head, revealing his wet, sticky vagina.
"So," Harry sneered in that sneery Harry sort of way that had all the students at Hogwarts charmed. "You have a vagina! I knew it!"
"Well, I didn't always have a vagina," Draco confessed. "I only got one this afternoon."
"How did that happen?"
"Well, I was in potions, telling Crabbe and Goyle all about how I was the best at Quidditch ever and also how ugly and stupid you are and how Weasley is really poor — you know, like I do — and I spilled some of the ultra-potent Estrogenius potion on myself. And then I felt something squishy happening down there and Professor Snape said, 'Malfoy, what have you done?' and yanked my cloak up and saw my new vagina."
"Wow," said Harry. "I don't know what to say." Then he kept talking: "You know, I didn't want to like you because you were a boy and I didn't want to be gay because one time Ron and I sneaked into the porno shop in Hogsmeade and I bought a dildo and used to take it out and look at it sometimes rather sadly. But then I got a crush on Professor Sprout so maybe I'm bi?"
"Where is this going?"
"I'll totally fuck you in your vagina," Harry offered.
"Hmmmm," Draco thought. "Okay."
"Huurah!"
"But I should warn you…" Draco started, but Harry had already stuck his 10-and-a-half-inch hard-on into Draco's love-cave.
"I don't care, this is great," Harry murmured, busily thrusting.
"OH!" Malfoy screamed girlishly, suddenly experiencing multiple orgasms and female-ejaculating all over the place.
Harry squirted his love-juice deep inside of Draco's tunnel of love. Something suddenly felt very strange. It was as if Draco's vagina was tightening around Harry's giant penis.
"What's going on?" Harry asked, genuinely confused.
"It's my vagina!" Draco answered, "It's turning back into a penis."
"Oh no!" Harry screeched. Draco's penis had returned, but Harry's penis was still inside it. They were joined at the penis. "How are we going to explain this to Snape?"
Draco tried to pull away, but the two penises were attached securely. "Ow!" Draco yelped. Just then they heard keys clanking in the door.
The door slowly opened to reveal Snape, looking as pallid and hot as ever. "What?" Snape asked, surprised to see Harry and Draco in so compromising a position.
"Professor!" Draco pleaded, "You gotta help us. I can't explain how this happened. It just did. You've got to separate us."
Snape sneered, grabbing onto the shared penis of Draco and Harry, sending shivers of lust through both of them. "There really is nothing I can do. I'm going to have to take both of you to Madame Pomfrey." He started dragging them, using their shared penis as a handle.
"No! We can't be seen like this!" Harry screeched. "What would Hermione think?"
Draco chimed in, "Can't Madame Pomfrey come here?"
"No." Snape said, yanking harder. "She's very busy with all of these mysterious non-papaya-related illnesses that are striking all of the third-year Hufflepuffs. You have to march through the school corridors like this so she can figure out what to do."
"But everyone will see us!" Draco moaned.
"Well," Snape cantankered. "You should have thought of that before you allowed this dubious ne'er-do-well to violate your womanhood." Snape paused. "Boyhood." He looked at Draco, who shrugged. "Whatever."
"Don't forget the fact that he spilled a potion on himself," Harry tweedle-deed.
"I never forget anything!" Snape snapped. "Thirty points from Gryffindor!" Draco snickered.
XXXXXXXXXXX
"That was awful!" Harry moaned, stumbling into the hospital ward. Draco, who was still attached at the groin, stumbled in after.
"Potter, will you please cease you toddling? If you haven't noticed, your penis is inside of mine."
"I noticed, thank you. Where is Madame Pomfrey? We need that ugly old horse to separate us."
"I'm right here," said an enormous woman with bleached-out hair in stilettos and a gold spandex bodysuit.
Harry looked surprised, "Madame Pomfrey, why are you dressed like that?"
"Well, Harry, I can tell you one thing. It has nothing to do with the Secret Demons of the Moonstone Papaya. Well, let's get a-circumsizin'!" Madame Pomfrey announced, wielding a comically large pair of gold-plated scissors.
"AHHHHHH!" screamed Draco and Harry.
"Just kidding." Madame Pomfrey winked, "It's just a simple spell." She took her wand out of her cloak, which was sitting on a stool beside her, and waved it around. "Depenisjoinedus!" she shouted. Sparks flew out and the two boys fell backward. Unfortunately, the spell didn't seem to work entirely. Harry was left with a 20-inch penis that was twice as long as his previous one and Draco just had a little one-inch nub for a penis.
"What did you do?" Draco yelped, rubbing his sad little nub.
"Oh dear," Madame Pomfrey worried.
"Hooray! Now I have the biggest penis in all of Hogwarts history!" Harry rejoiced.
"That's actually not true, Potter," Snape chimed in, bringing out a volume of Hogwarts: A History that just happened to be on the operating table he was sitting on. "The longest penis in all of Hogwarts history belongs to Rowenna Ravenclaw. So sorry to disappoint."
"Bollocks!" Harry crowed. "Speaking of which, don't you all think my abnormally small testes make my superfreakishly large phallus look exponentially larger?"
"Eesh, yes," Snape noticed. "I beg you to put it away before I lose my lunch."
"What did you have for lunch?" Draco asked.
"Enough of this boobishness!" Snape bellowed. "I have more important things to do, none of which are related to papayas in any way, shape, or form, than stand here prattling on about Potter's penultimately portly penis." With a swish of his cloak, Professor Snape was gone, never to be seen in hospital wing again until he was brought in to be pronounced dead after heroically sacrificing himself in an act of redemption by diving in front of one of Mulciber's Avavda Kedavras to save the life of Luna Lovegood during Harry's seventh year.
"Ta-ta, Sev!" Madame Pomfrey called. "I'll meet you at the Shrieking Shack at 23:30!"
Draco and Harry looked at each other quizzically. "Do you think we can still be friends?" Harry asked.
Draco replied, "We were never friends! We were enemies! In fact, we still are enemies. Just because I let you put your penis in my vagina doesn't mean that we were ever friends. Sometimes, Potter, you are just so stupid. Why don't you go back to that know-it-all bitch Hermione and that pauper's son, Ron, and cry about it."
In fact, Harry was beginning to tear up. Before it could blossom into a full-out crying fest Ron and Hermione came bursting through the infirmary doors. "Harry!" they both cried.
"Ron, Hermione, you made it! Guess what?" Harry said, switching off his tears and putting on a happy face.
"Harry!" Hermione whipped, "Are you okay? We heard what happened."
Harry answered, "I'm better than okay. My penis is now twice as long and Draco's has been reduced to hardly anything at all."
"Can we see?" Ron asked, genuinely curious and a little horny.
"We have no time for that!" Hermione chided, "I've found out something about the Moonstone Papaya. Meet me in the library in an hour and I'll show you." Hermione skipped gaily out of the infirmary.
XXXXXXXXXXX
An hour later, after a prolonged session of show and tell, Harry and Ron made their way to the library. They looked through the stacks for Hermione, but they were having some trouble finding her.
"Do you see her anywhere?" Harry asked.
"No. Ow. My jaw really hurts," Ron whined.
Just then they saw her. She was holding a big blue book. "Harry! Ron! You're here, good. I must show you this. I think this book has all of the answers to our questions." She looked at them for a moment. "Ron, you have a little something in your hair." She reached over to grab it. "What is it?" She held the gooey substance up to her nose. "Is it glue? Eh, I don't actually care." She wiped it on her robes, leaving a whitish stain. "Ok, so back to this book. It's called …"
"…the Bible?" Ron asked incredulously.
"I was doubtful at first, too," Hermione shrugged. "But then, look what I found." She opened up the hefty tome and turned to Chapter Six of Deuteronomy. "Aha!" she cried, pointing to something scribbled in the margin. "Right there!"
Harry cleared his throat and steadily read, " 'Hermione Granger is hot and I want to do her.' Hermione, what does this have to do with the Moonstone Papyrus?"
"Papaya," Ron choked, rubbing his nipples absent-mindedly.
"Isn't that amazing? Somebody has a crush on me," Hermione gushed.
"I can't believe you made me waddle all the way to the library just to see some mash note about your hot thang," Harry pooh-poohed. Ever since his penis had swelled to enormous proportions, he was finding difficulty in walking.
"Fine, Harry," Hermione said. "I don't care a whit if you don't care a whit about this secret admirer who cares a whit about me. I mean, you're probably just envious. After all, to wit, have anyone ever cared a whit about you?"
"Ron here has been in love with me since first year," Harry announced.
"That's true," Ron agreed. "I used to slip under his covers at night as masturbate him to climax. It's a good thing Dobby washed all of those sheets for me in the morning."
"Yes, quite," Harry nodded. An odd hush fell over the group.
Just then Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle popped out from behind a bookshelf, wands out. "Well, if it isn't my favorite trio," Draco sneered.
"Likewise," Hermione ho-hummed.
Draco held his wand up menacingly. "I've come to get back what's mine!"
"Look, you can have it." Harry offered, "I thought I would like having the second-largest penis in Hogwarts history, but it's actually just a big pain in the neck. Actually, the groin."
"Oh, Potter. Stop begging," Draco malfunctioned. "Don't try this reverse psychology on me. I'm going to take your penis and there is nothing you can do about it." Draco swished his wand around rather girlishly, "Peniswitcherus!" he shouted shrilly.
Harry felt as if his manhood had been torn away from him. He lifted up his cloak to discover that instead of his normal 20-inch penis he instead was left with Malfoy's measly inch. "AHHHHHHHH!" Harry shouted, genuinely dismayed.
Crabbe and Goyle were rolling on the floor laughing. Draco was busy waving his giant new penis tauntingly at Harry. Hermione was covering her eyes with her hands lest she catch sight of something she would rather not. Ron was standing there slack-jawed, staring.
"Now who has the second-largest penis in Hogwart's history? That's right, me." Draco teased.
Harry was crying on the floor. Ron went over to reassure him. "Don't worry, I'll still have sex with you," Ron consoled, "but now I'm on top."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry howled.
THE END … ?
Yes.