Sometimes you get a little lost in this world (and this world gets a little lost in you)
A/N: I figured I could try my hand at a post episode fic again, or at least try. I just really liked the idea of Regina and Emma teaming up so I ran with that theme and if they happen to discover some things along the way, that can only be considered a bonus ;) (I haven't written anything for a little while, so be kind!)
On the edge of her awareness she noticed it was getting colder again. Shivering a little, her fingers blindly sought the edge of the sheets and tugged it up towards her chin. Folding her legs a little more towards her chest, she was slightly surprised to not have heard yet another muttered complaint about her restless sleeping behaviour. And it was the surprise which made her slowly open her eyes and turn around to face the other side of the bed.
Only to notice it was empty.
Emma blinked to erase the fog of sleep that still lingered and scanned the room for any traces of Regina. Though she found none, a small amount of light shone from behind the corner and she figured Regina was close by, perhaps watching some tv in the adjacent room to pass the time.
Propping herself up against the headrest and rubbing across her eyes, Emma caught herself staring across the dimly lit room, hesitating just a split-second before she made up her mind and swung her legs across the edge of the bed. Tugging the oversized shirt she was wearing back down her hips, she slowly padded barefoot across the darkened hotel-room, searching for a certain missing insomniac.
She wasn't surprised at all when she rounded the corner and found a pyjama-clad Regina sitting slightly hunched over the small wooden desk placed against one of the walls. A small lamp on the far edge of the desk provided the only illumination for the room with an almost eery glow.
There was a slight tensing of Regina's shoulders the moment Emma stopped and leaned against the edge of the wall, quietly studying her and thinking of what to say to break the silence.
"Go back to sleep."
The sudden words made her heart skip a beat and Emma wondered if Regina had any idea just how annoying it was for her that she was almost never able to sneak up on the other woman.
"That's kinda rich coming from you isn't it? I mean out of the two us, you are the one barely getting any shut-eye these days."
There was a pause then, and Emma thought, knew somehow, that Regina was struggling to not make a sarcastic comment which would make Emma turn tail and leave her alone again. Because if Emma knew anything, it was how they were so similar in that way. And she wondered, not for the first time during this road-trip they had started on, when things had changed like that. Or if she had just started to notice these things more and more because of the amount of time they had spend together lately.
"Look…" Emma starts, because the silence lingered on and it unnerved her, "we all need our sleep, and you aren't fooling anyone by applying makeup to hide those growing bags underneath your eyes."
In retrospect, Emma thought she should've brought this up a lot sooner. But every other time they were able to get two rooms, and she had never paid notice enough to Regina's sleeping patterns. But she noticed now. Just as she had noticed Regina putting her hands down to cover something lying on the desk as she turned her head to look at Emma.
"I can't sleep," Regina muttered, sounding even more exhausted than she looked. "So I can either not-sleep in that decidedly uncomfortable bed, or I could not-sleep over here." She smirked then, and Emma narrowed her eyes in preparation for whatever stingy barb would follow. "Besides, with all of the tossing, turning and snoring you do, it's a miracle you manage to get in any sleep at all."
"I sleep just fine, thank you," Emma replied a little miffed. She might be a little bit of a restless sleeper, but she seriously did not snore.
"Perhaps you should do just that then, we do have another trip ahead of us tomorrow." Regina tilted her head towards the clock hanging near the door, "or rather in a few hours from now. It will be daybreak soon. There's no reason for both.."
"Regina…" Emma cut her off, as she walked further into the room until she stood just in front of Regina. "You can talk to me you know? If it's about Hen.." She stopped, the name stuck on her lips when Regina's eyes instantly flooded with unshed tears and she averted her gaze away from Emma's.
The tears were gone again a second later, wiped away by a casual swipe with the back of a hand, as if they'd never been there to begin with. They didn't spill over like the last few times, but there was no mistaking that they were still there. And Emma wondered if there would ever be a time they wouldn't be there when Henry was mentioned. Just like she wondered if there would ever be a time where she could comfort Regina by just putting a hand on her shoulder, or by uttering a few reassuring words of hope.
But it wasn't days anymore. It was weeks, months. The separation from Henry was even taking it's toll on herself. But at least he remembered her. Even if the memories were fake, he still remembered her.
"We'll find it," she vowed, after clearing her throat from the obstacle that was blocking it.
"What if we don't?" Came the immediately response and Emma found herself powerless to imagine a future just like that. Powerless to think of how one of her plans initially had been to solve the mystery in Storybrooke and then go live back in New York with Henry again. With him being none the wiser about the years he forgot; the years that got replaced by shiny new memories, and Emma felt a surge of shame welling up when she realized that a part of her wanted that even now.
"Even if we find it, it might not work. The potion could remain inert and he would never remember anything."
"Regina…" she tried again, but it sounded weak even to her own ears. "I.." she closed her eyes and sighed. "I don't know what you want me to say to that. I don't even want to think of the possibility. But if it…" She trailed off and folded her arms across her chest. "If he never remembers, he can still stay in your life. I won't…"
"It would be meaningless!" Regina interrupted angrily, "he wouldn't remember.." There was a strangled noise as Regina cut off, which made her stomach clench and Emma was torn by her inability to come up with words to make all of this okay again.
"Me.. He wouldn't remember his own childhood." Regina shook her head and after another moment turned to look at Emma once more with eyes filled with endless grief. "I don't know if I can ever let it go Emma, if this doesn't work…"
"He does know now, doesn't he?" Emma said softly, "I know it won't mean anything to you right now maybe, but it's a step in the right direction, isn't it?"
She thought back to their last discussion in Storybrooke, before they had travelled out of town. Thought of how she had watched their interactions outside the diner. Of Henry's genuine interest and the heartbreakingly wounded look on Regina's face when Henry had turned the other way, and she had decided right there and then to tell him the truth before they left. Even with Regina being against it.
They had showed him the albums of his childhood pictures. Pictures Emma herself has never seen before and she had marvelled at the happiness that shone on both mother and son's faces as they shared some ice-cream at Granny's in one of them. Or how Henry was covered in dirt while playing outside in the mud and the ear-splitting grin as he looked into the camera. She had turned to look at Regina, and saw the bitter-sweet smile directed towards Henry as he leafed through one album after the other. And she had known it was the right decision. For both of them.
"You could make new memories, while sharing the old ones," Emma suggested as she wrought her hands and hoped it was the right thing to say.
There was nothing but silence for a long while as Regina stared up at her, and then a softly uttered, "I know". A second later Regina's eyes became unfocused and Emma wondered what might be going on in her head. "I thought I would never see him again, and I know.. I know that in a way it turned out for the better.." She smiled, and Emma swallowed around another lump in her throat at the way that smile didn't quite reach Regina's eyes. How it exuded a certain sadness, the same kind that seemed to seep through with every spoken word.
From the corners of her eyes she saw Regina's hand lift up, revealing the object she'd been hiding underneath. "I suppose I can find some consolation in the fact that even if he might never truly remember me, I will always remember him," Regina said as she traced the face on the old photograph almost reverently.
Emma couldn't hold in the soft chuckle that escaped her upon seeing Henry in the picture; his chubby little cheeks covered in a myriad of colors. "Did he fall asleep on top of some crayons?" Emma questioned as she bend a little forward, one hand braced on the chair Regina was sitting on to take a closer look.
"It's finger-paint. I must have left for only 3 minutes, and when I came back he looked like that. I think there was more paint on his face and body than on the sheet of paper I had given him."
Emma smiled as she imagined the mess he must've made. "He looks adorable…he.." And then she frowned and trailed off, her smile dropping instantly as she recalled her own set of memories of his childhood. Memories that were fake, but she could recall them all so vividly that it still felt real at times.
"Emma?"
"I uhm.." Emma met Regina's concerned eyes for a moment before she averted her gaze and stepped away from the desk to retreat further into the darkness of the room. "The memories you gave me," she offered up by ways of explanation for her sudden strange behaviour. "It still feels so real," she whispered.
"The spell was designed to make it feel real," Regina stated, the expression on her face signifying that she didn't understand why Emma was so bothered.
And Emma didn't know if she should try to explain. Why at times, when she woke up and still hovered half in the dreamscape, she could pretend for a split-second that she was in her bed in New York instead of Storybrooke, or one of the hotel-rooms they stayed in nowadays.
"You don't understand… I still want it to be real Regina. I liked living the way I did, I liked that everything wasn't all screwed up. I actually also liked not being the savior and leading something of a normal life…" She scowled then and shook her head. "Well minus that flying monkey I dated for 8 months." Which got her a raised eyebrow, but thankfully Regina didn't inquire any further. She still wasn't over that whole revelation herself, even months down the road.
"For a while, after I drank that potion, I wished I had never drank it at all. And for a while, even when I brought Henry with me to Storybrooke, all I wanted was to fix whatever bad stuff was going on in Storybrooke before quickly heading back to New York again."
"But not anymore."
It was a statement, not a question and Emma breathed a little sigh of relief. "No, not anymore," Emma repeated and from across the room Regina gave her a faint little smile that conveyed more than any words ever could.
The smile faded as the seconds ticked away, and then Regina cast her eyes down at her lap. The expression etched across her face was strangely wistful and Emma had no idea what to make of it.
"It's getting late..or early as the case may be, you should go back to sleep."
"Yeah..no," Emma muttered and tilted her head to the side, glaring at Regina. "I don't care if I have you drag you to the bed, you're going to try to get a little shuteye in as well." Though Regina narrowed her eyes in response, Emma just continued staring at her until the other woman let out a resigned little huff.
"Alright, fine. Though I must warn you," Regina said as she stood up from the chair with a grace that reminded Emma of how, even in silken pyjamas, she was still every bit a Queen. "If I hear anything that even remotely resembles snoring, I will smother you in your sleep."
"I do not snore," Emma replied as she pretended to be annoyed at the notion while walking after Regina towards the bedroom. But secretly, she was glad Regina chose to try to get a few hours of rest. Even if she didn't really sleep.
"And stop hogging the sheets," Regina complained just as Emma grabbed a fistful of sheets to tug up across her body.
Rolling her eyes, Emma hid her amused smile behind her hand as she turned on her side, facing away from Regina. "Goodnight," she whispered, smiling once more when there was a softly uttered goodnight in response.
Try as she might however, she couldn't really fall asleep again. All the things they had yet to do tomorrow played through her mind. And after a few minutes more she sighed and gave up on the idea of sleeping altogether. "Regina?" she questioned softly.
When there was no response she tried again, before rolling over to face Regina. Only to come face to face with the woman; her features relaxed and softened by sleep, and Emma swallowed harshly at the sight. She didn't think she'd ever seen her more beautiful and unguarded than in that moment, and wondered, as she quietly continued watching Regina sleep, if she might ever see her like this again.
If this didn't work…
Emma shivered and stared at Regina through her rain-blurred vision. They were both soaked through to the bone, but strangely Regina seemed not as affected by it as Emma herself was. Though she supposed that it might have had something to do with the way Regina seemed completely focused on the plant growing in the circle of mushrooms in front of them.
Licking her lips, and wiping some rain-drops off her face, Emma squatted down next to the plant and looked up at Regina. She understood the hesitation, how Regina had remained practically motionless ever since they had stumbled on this spot and found the thing they had been searching for, for weeks now.
If it didn't work…
"This is the right plant, isn't it?" Emma questioned hesitatingly.
Because she needed to be sure. She needed to be absolutely sure and she had no experience with these kind of things. With magical plants growing at seemingly magical places, even in a world that had no magic. She had started to learn to just accept it and roll with it, instead of questioning it anymore. But even now, to her, this was just a fairy-ring. Stuff from kid's tales. Not the one place where they might find a missing ingredient for a potion that would undo a memory-spell. At least according to Rumplestiltskin.
"Regina?"
And finally Regina blinked and looked right at her, a mixture of emotions swirling in her eyes that made Emma's insides contract. But she found that she couldn't look away, and the moment lingered on with them holding each other's eyes. And all the while the rain continued to pour down on them. It reminded Emma of the other moment in the woods, nearly a week ago, just after their one involuntary stay in the same hotel-room. But then they hadn't found anything. Then, she had been practically forced to drag Regina away from the woods out of fear of them both catching pneumonia if they stayed any longer with their clothes completely soaked through and shivering from the biting cold.
It was so different now. Even with the situation being the same.
The way hope shone within Regina's eyes made Emma never want to look away. She looked so fragile in that one moment, that all Emma wanted to do was cross the distance and envelop her in a hug and tell her it was all going to be okay. Even with the knowledge in the back of her mind that she couldn't know this. And the thought of the devastation that would wash across Regina's features when the potion still didn't work after all this, was an almost unbearable one.
It was that singular thought that finally made Emma break their gaze. Made her conflicted between analysing her feelings on the matter more closely, and pushing these troubling thoughts away again. But the mental image of a thoroughly distraught Regina back in Storybrooke still flashed through her mind. And the way her heart clenched in response told her everything she didn't want to dwell on.
She needed this to work. And not just for Henry.
"It is.." Regina finally spoke up as she bent down and reached for the plant with one of her hands. Wet tendrils of hair clung to her face as she traced the blue leaves and let out a shuddery breath. "I can feel the magic it is made of."
Without another word she reached for the black bag slung across her shoulders and fished out a plastic bottle. Emma followed the bottle with her eyes as Regina unscrewed the cap, the dark murky contents reminding her more of muddy water than a magic potion. She swore the last time she'd seen it, when Rumpelstiltskin had given it to them along with some instructions, the liquid had been clearer. Though maybe it was because there was barely any light to illuminate it now, and as she looked up for a second at the dark ominous clouds rolling overhead, she figured the weather wouldn't get any better anytime soon.
Plucking one of the leaves from the plant, Regina hesitated and her eyes found Emma's again for a moment. As if she was looking for some confirmation she was doing the right thing, and Emma quirked a soft half-smile in response and let out a breath she had been holding in.
"It will work," she exclaimed, though she was unable to keep the small lingering bit of doubt out of her voice as she spoke.
Regina said nothing in response, but her eyes noticeably softened. Raindrops trickled down her cheeks, as she slowly dropped the blue leaf in the bottle, and Emma was mesmerized at she took it all in.
She kept her eyes trained on the bottle while slowly standing back up again. Her heart pounded away in her chest as the seconds ticked away and nothing happened. "How long is it supposed to.." She never finished the line as the bottle suddenly seemed to come to life.
A small pinpoint of silver that started somewhere in the middle, slowly expanded until none of the dark liquid remained. The bottle itself glowed with an unearthly light and Emma's mouth dropped open in a surprise. She'd seen potions made before, but this was new.
"Regina…" she whispered, her voice overcome with awe.
A smile bloomed on her face that started at her lips and slowly transformed Regina's expression into one of utter joy and Emma felt something warm settle in her belly despite her rapidly cooling down body.
Without another word, Regina put the cap back on the bottle and turned towards Emma. And then, before Emma was even able to process anything that happened the past few minutes, Regina leaned in and kissed her. Just a slow press of lips on lips, before Regina detoured and kissed the raindrops off her skin and Emma didn't know what to do, how to respond, but then the lips were back on her own and she lost all coherent thought.
She didn't know how long they stood like that. Kissing slowly and sweetly, while the rain clattered against the leaves of the trees all around them. And she didn't know who was more confused by it all when they broke apart again shortly afterwards.
Regina just touched her lips with one of fingers while staring at Emma with a mixture of surprise and confusion and all Emma wanted to do was kiss her again. Because at least it would stop whatever was going to happen next. It would postpone the awkwardness she was sure would follow soon.
"Regina.." Emma said, horrified at finding her voice sounding all croaky.
"We s-should go back. To the hotel," Regina muttered as she swiped some raindrops off her face and turning around to avoid Emma's gaze.
"Right.." Emma said as she tilted her head Regina's way, "and we're what...not going to talk about the fact that you just kissed me?"
"A.." Regina cleared her throat as she placed the bottle back into the bag, though only after pausing for a second to look at it. "A simple lapse of judgement. I was..overwhelmed for a moment, think nothing of it."
"That's bullshit Regina," Emma gritted out angrily. She quickly strode towards Regina and blocked her vision in an attempt to force the other woman to actually look her in the eyes while they talked. When Regina eventually did, Emma was dismayed to find the woman's eyes hard as steel and her expression unreadable.
"Could we at least talk about this?"
"You assume there is something to talk about dear," Regina replied, her voice even and devoid of emotion, and Emma was reminded of her early interactions with the Mayor of Storybrooke. Not the Regina she had interacted with over the course of their road-trip. The Regina she had gotten to know who was warm and sensitive, and had this unique brand of humor she slowly had started to discover.
The Regina who had kissed her moments ago, and Emma felt a pang of regret as she turned away from the other woman and stared off into the distance.
"T-the hotel then," Emma muttered through chattering teeth as she wrapped her arms around herself and flicked her eyes to the muddy ground.
"And Storybrooke," Regina said, her voice barely audible over the sound of the downpour. She paused then, and Emma knew Regina was looking right at her for a moment before she strode towards the direction of the parking place.
Emma sighed as she followed after Regina. Storybrooke. It was going to be another two days before they would reach the town line and she had no idea how the hell she was going to survive for that long while cooped up in the bug together.
Hugging herself a little tighter, Emma sighed again and trudged after Regina through the pouring rain.
Emma moaned as she rested her head against the tiled wall of the shower-stall. The scalding hot water was a blessing as far as she was concerned, and though there was not a trace of clammy coldness remaining in her, she was determined to enjoy the shower for as long as she could.
That and as long as she stayed in here, she wouldn't need to get dressed and face the music. She was well aware that she was only postponing the inevitable moment of having to knock on Regina's door to discuss their next course of action. A part of her hoped that Regina would insist on leaving right away. At least then she could let Regina do the driving first, while she attempted to get some sleep. Sleep and think of ways to forget they ever kissed in the rain earlier that same day.
Closing her eyes she balled her hands to fists for a second before pushing away from the stall and turning off the shower. The water was likely going to go cold any minute now she figured as she opened the stall-door and fetched some towels from the stack lying on a small counter.
Drying her hair, she rubbed herself down a little before wrapping one of the larger towels around her body and exiting the bathroom.
Humming to herself she barely noticed the figure reclining against the wall next to bed. But as she did, the sudden realization made her jump on the spot.
"Shit!" She cursed as she came to a dead stop in the middle of the room. Her heart raced a mile a minute and she actually had to tell herself to keep breathing for a few seconds.
Glaring at Regina, she placed a hand against her heart and willed it to slow down again. "Jesus Christ Regina, were you trying to give me a heart-attack?"
She had all but forgotten about the fact that they had the extra key-cards to each other's rooms in case of an emergency. But unless the goddamned Hotel was on fire and she hadn't noticed somehow, she didn't understand why the hell Regina thought it was okay to just sneak into her room like that. Not to mention Emma was pretty sure she had lost a few years of her life, the way her heart was still clattering away in her chest.
"Why did you go with me?"
And Emma opened her mouth to respond but then closed it again, unable to understand what the hell that had to do with anything. "Seriously?" she grunted as she made her way to the bed and the fresh set of clothes she put on top of the dresser next to it. "You break into my freaking room and you ask me that?"
"I did not break.." Regina sighed and pushed herself away from the wall, walking over to Emma slowly. "I could've done this alone, as well as you know. But you offered to come along with me. Why?" Regina questioned, as she stood right in front of Emma.
Emma tugged at the towel wrapped around her body while meeting Regina's gaze. It wasn't fair they were having this damned discussion while Regina looked immaculate as ever, even without her make-up and she was in this state of undress with her damp hair sticking out everywhere.
"Can we do this later?" Emma grumbled as she flicked her eyes from Regina to her clothes. "I'm really not in the mood for this."
"No we cannot."
"Why the hell do you suddenly care?" Emma sputtered out in frustration. "You didn't complain when I said I would come along. I was just trying to help, Jesus."
"Why?"
"Why..? You know, I just don't get you right now. I try to help you out, and I thought we were getting along better. I thought we really did. And then you just..you kiss me, and afterwards you pretend it means crap. So you tell me, what the hell is it you want from me Regina?" Emma growled out as she met Regina's gaze head-on.
"To know it wasn't just me," Regina stated while reaching out with one of her hands and cupping Emma's chin.
And she wanted to pull away and call out Regina on her bullshit some more. She wanted to stay angry. But when Regina pointedly looked at her lips, Emma felt just as powerless to stop this as she had in the woods.
"Regina.." she murmured, only to be stopped from saying anything more by soft full lips brushing against her own. Groaning lowly in her throat, Emma did what she had wanted to do earlier on the day and moved a hand to the nape of Regina's neck to settle there for a moment. Just as she felt Regina's tongue tease along the seal of her lips, Emma broke away and blinked at the woman standing in front of her.
"I-I don't.." Emma swallowed as she noticed the heated look in Regina's brown eyes, and she almost lost her train of thought because of it. "I don't understand any of this Regina. And I really don't understand why you keep kissing me," she whispered, as she flushed a little under the intensity of Regina's gaze.
"The same reason you keep kissing me back."
And then she looked into Regina's eyes and oh. Oh. Because suddenly she understood. Everything they had gone through these past few months, and even before that at the town-line. How it used to be about Henry. How everything used to be about Henry, but it no longer was. It hadn't been for a long time. And how strangely fitting it was that Regina had been the one that figured this out first.
And oh, because instead of giving her more time to fire off questions or analyse things even more, Regina kissed her again. Feather-light brushes and nips that quickly escalated into open-mouthed passionate kisses that left her breathless and aching. When Regina pulled away, Emma opened her eyes to find a wicked smirk painted across her features and before she could even utter a word she found herself pushed back onto the bed.
"I needed some time to think," Regina spoke up, even as she kicked off her shoes and stripped out of her blouse and pants before following Emma onto the bed. "I've never let anyone in so easily. I never…" she trailed off, her eyes glazing over and then she leaned in to kiss Emma again. "It's always been different with you," she said in between kisses.
"Different?" Emma managed to gasp out with what little of her brain was actually firing on all cylinders. She reached up and fisted one of her hands in Regina's hair, to pull her in for another searing kiss while she reached around with the other and pushed their bodies closer together. "Fuck," she hissed, even with the panties and towel still in the way, this felt good and she didn't want to talk anymore. She just wanted to feel more.
"Yes," Regina gasped out as she pulled Emma's towel loose. "I ignored it. What it all meant. Until...Emma," she whimpered out. Emma had decided she had enough of the talking and palmed one of Regina's breasts while sucking on a spot near Regina's collarbone.
"Today," Regina finished even as she unfastened her bra and laid down fully on top of Emma. "When I kissed you.."
"Regina," Emma muttered out as she hooked her fingers in the woman's panties and attempted to tug them down. "I know okay? I know." She smiled sweetly at Regina then, and traced one of her cheeks with her fingertips as they stared into each other's eyes for a moment. Then Emma grinned cheekily before rolling them over. "Now...stop talking."
"Are you okay?" Emma asked with a whisper-like tone in order not to spook the other woman.
She wasn't entirely sure when she had fallen asleep, or how long she had slept, but when she had woken up it was to once again find the other side of the bed empty. Only this time, Regina was sitting on the very edge of her side of the bed and Emma wondered if Regina had watched her sleep.
"Not yet," came the softly uttered response. Regina turned to face Emma and only then did Emma notice the object in Regina's lap. The potion, shimmering with a strange silvery glow as Regina turned it around in her hands.
She smiled at Emma, a beautiful unguarded smile that made Emma's heart burst upon witnessing it. It reminded her of watching Regina sleep that one day, that same open look on her face as she slept the hours away.
"Not yet?" Emma questioned. She watched a tinge confused as Regina put the potion back in the black bag that was slung over the chair next to the bed.
"Not yet," Regina echoed as she tilted her head at Emma and pulled the pyjama top over her head and tossed it at the chair. She pulled back the sheets and crawled on top of Emma, propping herself up and placing a soft kiss on her nose. "But I will be," Regina said as she framed Emma's face in her hands and kissed her again.