"Something's going on with you, Rachel, I can tell. I know you." Kurt Hummel said, sitting on her couch while she fidgeted.
"Just-nerves I guess," she forced out a chuckle. "Ever since Jesse proposed, all this wedding talk is just kind of overwhelming," she admitted, which was partially true.
Kurt smiled calmly. "Well that, my friend, is why you have me!" He quickly took out his notebook full of notes he had been making for the past few months while planning Rachel's upcoming nuptials to Jesse, flipping to a fresh page. "Now, let's see. Today I believe we were going to figure out just what color to make those bridesmaids dresses."
She hated lying to Kurt. Even more than she hated lying to Jesse, who was her fiancé and she should probably feel really bad about cheating on him, but she could never muster that. Neither of them could, when they lay there in the dark, softly kissing each other. She didn't know if Blaine felt bad about Kurt, but she knew his opinions on Jesse far too well.
"You deserve better," he'd whisper, his tongue gently caressing her ear.
"You shouldn't be with him," he'd say, twirling her hair in between his fingers.
"Oh yes?" She'd ask, leaning closer to him, her eyes wide, staring at him even in the darkness. "And who should I be with? Who does deserve me?"
"Me," he'd reply, kissing her eyelids as his hands stroked the small of her back, and she'd hum content as she drifted off to sleep.
But then there were the moments when they had to appear as just friends. When Kurt, and Jesse, and everyone else were around.
"Sometimes I can't remember if Blaine's dating me or Rachel!" Kurt would chortle, and Rachel would force herself to laugh along, a stabbing pain in her gut that would always end with her calling Blaine up in the middle of the day, to the brink of tears, saying she can't do it anymore, she can't lie to Kurt, she can't hurt him like this.
And he'd agree, saying that he understands, they should stop, he's gay and in love with Kurt, living with him for god's sakes! They'd agree to back off, not see each other for a while to lick their wounds, avoid each other until they could be around and not feel the need to touch and jump and love the other.
But then, a month would pass, and Kurt would notice something weird was happening and force them all to hang out when Rachel got changed out of her costumes, insisting that they weren't living the New York life they should be. They'd go out-clubbing, usually, because the three loved to dance-though they'd bar crawl through Brooklyn until they couldn't stand anymore. And Kurt, who was always the first gone, would be brought home, and Blaine would insist that Rachel couldn't walk home alone-it was dangerous, he'd take her.
But by the time they got to her apartment, any chance of them not hooking up was usually already gone.
Kurt bought the excuses of 'Well, once I got to Rachel's I passed out on her couch,' because when you're gay and your boyfriends gay and your best friend is on her way to be famous, you would never think anything happened.
Except that one night, when things seemed…a little off. Kurt was helping Rachel plan the perfect location for her wedding, since she and Jesse lived in New York and so did most of their friends, but their whole families still resided in Ohio.
They had been drinking, as they were prone to do-being young and actually making it in the big city meant there was usually a lot to celebrate, being in love usually meant there was a lot to mourn, and working as hard as they did meant they were constantly stressed. They had magazines and books and websites printed out as they worked their way through what kind of location the wedding would be held at-Rachel was a perfectionist and it had to be the perfect wedding. At some point Jesse showed up, and the work stopped being as productive and more giggling fits of trips down memory lane. Kurt invited Blaine over, ignoring Rachel's sudden panic.
By the time Blaine came over-bearing the gift of vodka, grabbing the shot glasses out of the cabinet without even so much as a questioning glance from either Kurt or Jesse-they were bordering on wasted.
"Do you remember how you used to wear those hideous sweaters?" Kurt asked, hiccupping through his giggles. Rachel glared, taking a shot of vodka as Blaine handed it to her.
"Excuse me," she retorted. "I seem to remember you coming to school in a skirt one day!"
"You wore a skirt to school dude?" Jesse asked, chortling but mostly staying on the side lines-his time at McKinley had been short, and he rarely brought it up for fear of Rachel's outbursts whenever it was mentioned.
"It was one time!" Kurt defended for himself, Blaine laughing across the coffee table. He had almost automatically plopped down next to Rachel, sitting so close their hands were almost touching. She could feel him next to her, but instead focused on Jesse.
"There were also his sweaters that were nearly long enough to be dresses," she fake whispered, and Jesse snorted.
"At least they didn't have carousel horses on them!"
"This is true," Blaine agreed, and Rachel opened her mouth in fake shock.
"Well, excuse me Mr. Blaine Warbler," she joked, and he looked taken aback. "We barely ever saw you out of your Dalton uniform until after college!"
"This is also very true," Kurt agreed.
"Well, screw you guys," Blaine said, taking another shot.
"We did get to see him out of uniform a few times," Kurt tried to reason, and Rachel's stomach started to churn even before the words tumbled out of Kurt's mouth, knowing already what he was going to say. "Like that party at Rachel's when her dads were on some cruise."
Blaine and Rachel laughed uncomfortably, neither wanted to reminisce on that moment-their first kiss, the start of many. Kurt just chuckled as Rachel took another shot, trying to calm herself. "Do you guys remember," Kurt started laughing even harder now, "Remember how you guys had to kiss during Spin the Bottle?"
Jesse looked perplexed, and Rachel focused all her energy on not turning bright red. Blaine forced a laugh on the side of her, but she could tell it was forced, briefly wondering if Kurt could tell too. "They kissed?" Jesse asked, grabbing the vodka off the table and taking a sip straight from the bottle. "How come I've never heard of this?"
"Well," Kurt said, his face red with laughter-now that they were older, and Blaine was his, the situation had turned humorous for him. "It wouldn't be nearly as funny without Blaine's whole oh my god am I potentially straight or bi or something freak out, and his date with Rachel, and then their other completely sexless kiss," he went on, and both him and Jesse laughed while Rachel smirked and Blaine just glanced at her.
It wasn't too long after that that Kurt and Blaine departed for the night.
"Blaine?" she whispered, her fingers tangled in his curls, she loved his polished look that he presented to the world, but times when it was just the two of them and he let his hair curl, she felt safe-reassured. He trusted her enough to be himself with her, and she was about to ruin everything.
"Rachel," he muttered, his voice sleepy, vibrating against her shoulder where he was pressed against, trying to catch some sleep before they had to go back to their respective apartments, to their respective spouses.
"I was thinking," she gulped, and she felt his head move slightly, so his eyes could search for hers. She snuggled lower, coming face to face with him, and he kissed her gently.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly, and she felt a tear drop leaving her eye, gulping once more as he wiped it away.
"Well, I mean, I get married in two weeks," she said, and he sighed, sitting up, dragging her with him. She climbed into his lap and he rocked her, holding her tight. "We have to stop this."
"You don't even love Jesse," he argued, and Rachel stifled back a louder cry.
"I have to marry him," she told him.
"Why? Why can't you just…leave him?"
"What, and be your secret forever? Blaine, if Kurt ever finds out…he'll never forgive either of us. And we couldn't live with it. I don't know how we do now, but it just-it has to end," she said, making a move to leave, but he grabbed her wrist.
"We could run away," Blaine asked desperately, and her heart broke even more while she shook her head no.
"No, we can't," she said, kissing his forehead and breathing him in one last time.
"Please don't do this Rachel," he said, grabbing her waist and holding her tight against him.
"We have to. I have to. "She extracted herself from his grip, clothing herself quickly before grabbing her purse. "I'll always love you," she told him, though he said nothing in return as she slipped out the hotel door, back to her home with her fiancé-the man she had to settle for, though the one she truly loved was so near.
"Are you excited?" Kurt asked, fluffing Rachel's hair so that it was curled just right. She gave him a wan smile, and Kurt sat down next to her, both of them facing the mirror instead of each other.
"Yeah, sure," she finally answered, trying her best to preserve her energy. It was going to be a long day-already had been-and she still had a half hour before she was set to walk down the aisle.
"You don't love him, do you?" Kurt asked quietly, and Rachel looked away, trying not to let the tears that threatened to fall ruin her make up. "Rach, come on, talk to me," Kurt tried to sooth, rubbing her back.
"I can't, Kurt, I'm a terrible person," she told him, still trying to blink back the tears. She wouldn't look at him, couldn't look at him.
"What are you talking about? Did something happen?" he tried to comfort, and Rachel let the tears fall freely now. Here was Kurt, so innocent, and about to be so hurt because of what she did.
"I'm so sorry," she wailed, learning on his shoulder and sobbing, providing no explanation.
"Whoa, Rachel, what's going on?" Kurt asked, prying her away and looking at her. She just continued to sob, but he waited patiently, waiting for her to calm down enough to speak.
"I-"she hiccupped, she looked like a mess and she was supposed to be getting married in 10 minutes. "I slept with Blaine," she rushed out, and Kurt's eyes opened wider than she had ever seen them.
She was about to go into another fit of hysterics when the door popped open, and Blaine himself walked in. "I'm supposed to come get-what's going on?" he asked, warily looking from Rachel to Kurt.
"Well," Kurt managed to say. "Suffice to say, I don't think Rachel wants to marry Jesse."
"What?" Blaine asked, looking more confused than ever.
"I'll go get him for you Rachel," Kurt said stiffly, glaring at Blaine before stalking out of the room. Rachel was running out of tears to cry, and Blaine looked hesitant to come comfort her.
"What happened?" he said quietly, taking a step forward before hesitantly staying where he was.
"Kurt-Kurt just asked me if," she hiccupped again, wishing she had some water, "if I was happy, or excited, or something-"
"You told him," Blaine strangled out, and Rachel nodded. "Oh god, he must hate us."
They sat in silence, Rachel trying to breathe normally once more, until Kurt came back into the room, toting Jesse behind him.
"What's going on Rachel? We have 200 people sitting out there waiting for us to get married!" He demanded.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, shaking her head and wiping away the last of her tears.
"What do you mean you're sorry? What did you do? Are you nervous? We'll be fine, it's just like a-"
"I slept with someone else," she rushed out, and Jesse's face contorted from annoyance to anger.
"You did what?" he seethed, and both Blaine and Kurt moved closer to Jesse, ready to defend Rachel if it came to that.
"I just-I can't do this anymore," she told him, looking down at the floor, not knowing anything more to say.
"You're a whore," Jesse loathed before stomping out of the room.
It took Rachel awhile to get out of her wedding gown, her fathers rushing in to see what was going on, make sure she was okay. Jesse had apparently told the crowd that it was cancelled before leaving. The crowd was confused, but one of Rachel's fathers went and told everyone he was sorry about the confusion, but that there would be no wedding.
Rachel, however, was feeling horrible.
Some of her friends came in the room she had been getting ready in, sitting on the floor in jeans and a cardigan now, family flitted in and out, even Finn came in to see if she was okay (and to see if he was the reason she wasn't marrying Jesse.) At some point she was aware of Kurt and Blaine leaving, but she wasn't positive when.
The longest day just seemed to get longer and longer.
She tried calling Kurt that night to explain-to apologize. She left him a rambling message, saying how sorry she was about 1,000 times, but he didn't call her back. She assumed he was fighting with Blaine, and figuring out where they stood, and she understood.
It was four days before he called her back.
"Kurt, I'm so sorry-"
"Rachel, stop,"
"But Kurt, I never wanted to-"
"Hurt me? I know. I spent two days talking and yelling and arguing with Blaine, and then the past 24 hours at a spa trying to relax some. I pretty much got the gist of what's happened. You two started fucking because you were sad and he was there, and even though he's gay he's also in love with you, and you're in love with him, and you've tried to stop about 12 billion times but it never stuck. He filled me in on most of the details."
"Oh," was all Rachel could get out.
"I'm not saying that I'm pleased with the way things have turned out," Kurt added, laughing bitterly. "I mean, I can't stay with Blaine-not after this. And for a little while I'm not sure if I can be friends with you," he said, though his voice was far gentler than she deserved. She bit back tears that she had managed to keep at bay for the past few days by busying herself getting rid of Jesse.
"I understand," she whispered, sitting on the floor once more.
"But," he started, and she felt hopeful for the first time in weeks, "Just give me some time to get over this. For me to get used to the idea that I'm not with Blaine. That you two love each other and should be together."
"No!" She argued, because she wasn't going to lose Kurt just for Blaine, no matter how much she loved him. "I'm not going to get together with Blaine, not when we've already done so much hurt and damage to you."
Kurt chuckled softly. "That's sweet Rach, but I've been in love. I am in love. The problem is we love the same guy. But I know what love can make you do-if he had been with you and swayed even slightly towards me, I would have jumped at the chance."
Rachel felt a small smile play on her lips. She knew that was true. "We're inheritably selfish creatures," she offered, and he laughed a real laugh this time.
"We are. Just, go find him. And please, for the love of god, keep your PDA to a minimum when I'm around you guys."
"I promise," she agreed, her heart racing at the prospect that Blaine was finally going to be hers, all hers. "Oh, and Kurt?"
"Yes Rachel?"
"Thank you," she said, with so much sincerity and gratefulness that she could only hope he heard the whole tone of what she was appreciating him for. For giving her Blaine, for not hating the two of them, for being there for her even though she was killing him and breaking his heart. For being less selfish than she was.
"You're welcome. I'll call you soon," he promised, and with a click she could hear him hang up.
It took her another few days to find Blaine. Not that it was hard to particularly locate him-she knew where he worked, where he was more than likely staying, she knew where he frequented and she knew that he would be avoiding the area around Kurt's apartment.
She found him a week and a half after her wedding date, accidentally. She walked into a new coffee place that had just opened outside the park, planning on drinking tea and reviewing a new script that she had found for a new Broadway play she was planning on auditioning for, when she opened the door and he was there.
"Hi!" she squeaked, and he gave her a sheepish grin.
"I've been meaning to call-"he started, but she interrupted him quickly.
"That's fine, no, I mean, Kurt told you me you guys broke up and-"
"Yeah, it's been weird, but at least now I don't have to feel guilty and-"
"Right, well, at least it's all over and done with now-"
They both stopped talking, chuckling slightly. "Rachel," he started, moving closer to her so he could be fully heard in the surprisingly busy place.
"Yes?"
"I want to do this. Us. But I want to do it right, and go on actual dates, and be more than each other's secret. "She nodded, her eyes wide as she stared at him. "I want to be able to tell the world I'm in love with Rachel Berry."
She grinned, blushing as she looked down. "I want that too," she murmured, and he took her hand-a simple act, but one they had done rarely in the past two years.
"Let's get you a tea and read over the script you're carrying. I assume there are some duets I can help you with to get ready for your audition?" He offered, and she leaned against him, nodding.
"Of course," she said, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek. He squeezed her hand tight, and while no one in the coffee house noticed anything, the monumental change that had occurred, they did. And Rachel, for once, was okay with that.