((A/N: I got pissed off because someone gave me a bad review of a KH fic I did way way way back when Final Mix had just been released (or at least the Cloud v. Sephiroth scene). I dunno why it got me mad, other than the fact that this is called Fan FICTION not fanLETSMAKEEVERYTHINGEXACTALLYLIKETHEGAME. uu So I decided to do this nice little piece of Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack stuff. Slightly fluffy in parts and disgustingly out of character on all accounts. Enjoy all the same. And, as you all know, I don't own this wonderful song, the ending theme for Fatal Frame II. Also, a slight warning, lots of strong implicatinons but no actual slash. After I finished this, I realized it contradicts itself and just sucks... oh well...))
Deep undeground, I kept digging a hole
Without knowing where it would lead
With a dirt-covered eyepiece in one hand
I searched for your arm
Scrapping together patchwork happiness, and sewing it,
I was crushed by your strength
Cloud Strife was fascinated from the first time he saw the General in dull newsprint colors. When he caught his first glimpse of him in real life, he was mesmorized.
Sephiroth was the picture of power and beauty - an angel in his own right. Of course, this was not the kind of thing a teenage boy thought without scolding himself for it. Such thoughts were rediculous and... well, unnatural as far as he was concerned.
But the man's touch. It was gentle. Surprisingly gentle, and it astounded Cloud as much as everything else about him did. His job was to kill, but he did it with such a dignity it was almost like an art. A morbid, disgusting art.
The last thing Cloud ever expected was to form the bond with the man that he did, both emotionally and physically.
"What is it that you want, boy?" Sephiroth asked, his cold hand tracing along Cloud's jaw. Sephiroth was really just a boy himself, though. Only a few years over Cloud, no matter how he looked with the piercing eyes and silver hair. Tears were being shed long after the physical pain had passed.
"I don't know." Cloud confessed softly, choking on a sob. His hair was messed and clung with sweat and tears to the side of his face, "...I really don't know." It had been what seemed like an eternity since he knew what he really wanted, but he was so sure perhaps an hour ago; He wanted the General, and that was exactally what he got. It was nothing like Zack's gentle, courteous ways. Sephiroth was rough and the pain almost outweighed the pleasure.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you." Sephiroth said cooly. He was standing now, pulling on his pants, "I'm not exactally Zack." He buttoned the pants and zipped them up, turning to Cloud The boy's sobs had subsided to a wimper or a cough and the tears were drying too.
"I know." he whispered, now. He watched without much interest as Sephiroth stretched and raked his fingers through his hair, which never seemed to become too out of place.
"Just take it easy... it won't hurt long... no need to visit the clinic..." Sephiroth added, yawning. The last thing he needed was for everyone to know he was fooling around with a new recruit.
"Don't worry." Cloud said coldly, "I'm not gonna go tell everyone about this." his eyes burnt again, but this time the tears were of anger rather than the emotional stress of moments before. 'I love you' Sephiroth had told him. That he saw something in him he'd never seen in another. Just a lie to get him into bed, he was sure now, "I wouldn't wanna ruin your reputation." he spat.
Sephiroth simply sighed and closed his eyes.
"You're an idiot, Strife. You're stupid for coming here. Go." he turned to the boy, "Get your clothes and get out!" he shouted viciously, "NOW!" Cloud was caught off gaurd, already shaking and exhausted. He bit his lip until it bled, but began to dress when Sephiroth screamed at him again.
His fingers shook hard and he could scarcely button his torn acid washed jeans. He grabbed the black cotton shirt that had been carelessly flung across the room and left, refusing to turn back as the tears came again.
Burned on Burned on
The inerasable scars left by the palms of my hands
Sever a rift in the red-stained clouds with my torn wings
See, I can flutter better than you thought
"So this is what it's come to." Sephiroth's voice was different than Cloud remembered it. The cool confidence was gone, and now it was more of a man struggling for control. Cloud understood his inner conflict, as he himself experienced moments of Jenova's control. He just hadn't lived them as Sephiroth had. The cells of Jenova living within Cloud's body were weaker and lesser in number than those in Sephiroth's by far.
"I guess it is." Cloud returned. He had changed from what Sephiroth recalled as well. The boy had built himself up. Not the little boy he spent off days and breaks after missions with any more. He had become a strong, dignified man, just as Sephiroth was sure he would. Jenova was dying within him, and when she went he knew he would too. But he couldn't let the younger man know that... no... he had to die with the dignity he had in life. He had to have his love kill him.
"You know it was her." Sephiroth whispered, "What I did in Nibelheim, I mean. And to Lockhart... and Zack..."
"Yeah... always someone else's fault." Cloud has heard enough of Sephiroth's excuses in the past and even though he knew this was the truth, he refused to accept it or forgive the man who was once his lover. He regretted everything that happened between them but at the same time felt the embers of those feelings were flaring in his heart. He missed him more than anything, but he knew he had to leave those feelings behind. He should have left them in Nibelheim, in the ashes. With Tifa and Zack in the reactor, with his mother's body in the black shell of his childhood home.
"I'm sorry." Sephiroth finally whispered. He swallowed his pride and let it out after feeling too good for such for so many years. It was his fault in the eyes of the world. It was his fault that Cloud lost his mother and nearly the girl he looked at with longing eyes. And even, eventually, Zack, whom Sephiroth knew he loved more than any of them. Even though it was Jenova in control, even as he struggled to keep the being from taking complete power over his body, he knew that it would always be him who had done it in Cloud's eyes.
"You're a fucking asshole." Cloud whispered, "A no good bastard without a heart or soul. Don't apologize to me... Apologize to all the ones you killed. Apologize to my mom, to Tifa's dad, to Zack, to Aeris, to all those people who thought of you as their fucking hero. Apologize to them, because I don't need it." The tears flowed from Cloud's sapphire eyes like molten lava. Sephiroth's head lowered. Everything Cloud said and no doubt thought was true. Too true for his own taste.
"Well, I need to give it to you." Sephiroth whispered, "I never knew the girl, Aeris you said, but I'm sorry she died because of me. She was Gast's daughter, and he was the one man I truly respected. I apologize that the other girl's father died, and I'm sorry for your mother. But they're all empty. I didn't feel when I was doing it and I didn't know them. I want to feel guilt, and I want to be able to sincerely apologize, but I can't." Sephiroth was trembling and he knew by the look in Cloud's eyes, the next moments would be his last, "blame me because I deserve it. I won't even try and deny I deserve it. Punish me, boy."
Cloud's eyes flashed pity fo the dying general, a fallen angel dressed as a beast.
"Kill me."
The eternity that I dreamed while confined in my cocoon
Where will it take seed and blossom?
The morning will eventually come and bring the darkness back home,
And steal my eyes away from me
Fumbling for you by moonlight, overlapping and entangling with you,
I believed I could become your true hiding place
If there is one place in the world that a man has time to think, it's confined in his own mind. Cloud experienced such twice, both times excruciating, but the first more, as he faced it alone. He and Zack, his brother in arms, were confined in the mako tanks for weeks on end.
While it did little to break Zack's spirit, Cloud's mind and body were weakening with each passing moment, and soon he knew he would lose his grip. The entire time all that ran through his mind was what had just happened. Even after he had been in the tank for nearly a month, the destruction of his hometown and loss of his past were fresh in his memory, still sending the searing tears into the mako solution.
Sephiroth had gone mad in this very room, though Cloud didn't conciously realize this was the place. The library and laboratory in the Shinra mansion's basement were his prison, and in a sense Sephiroth's as well. He thought often of this man whom he loved and by whom he was tormented.
His mother was dead, his childhood home burnt to the ground. Tifa was probably dead too. Tifa... his entire reason for becoming a Soldier in the first place. His reason for being until he became acquainted more closely with Sephiroth and Zack. It was only then that he realized there was more to love than a pretty face and a few kind words. There were real emotions that could never be explained so easily, and they went past any social standards that may have been placed.
When he last saw Sephiroth something had changed. Something within him had snapped, but after the events in the library, surprise was dulled in retrospect. Learning what Sephiroth just had would drive any man mad, and no matter how his birth came about Sephiroth was surely a man.
Cloud would go out on every possible tangent to give Sephiroth a reason and guilt still racked him. Sephiroth was dead as well, but that was his fault. His mind could hardly grasp the thought. Shinra's top general killed by a weak child who couldn't even cut it as a Soldier. Maybe they were wrong about him, but Cloud knew he was only in the Shinra uniform right now because of the strings Zack and Sephiroth had pulled for him. This was how he repayed them?
The guilt that plauged Cloud would be dulled, however, whenever he caught a glance of Zack cringing in pain. He loved Zack as well, nearly as much as he loved Sephiroth. When he felt for Tifa, he didn't feel this pulling, there was no one else. There was no other person tugging at his soul, and even she was not so deep in his heart. No, he hadn't loved her. Nor had he loved Aeris, for that matter. She was a pleasant distraction on lonely nights, but he would later feel a harsh guilt for his betrayal of Zack.
He read the scratches on Zack's tank. Promises of salvation and release, plans that never took shape, and codes he knew were meant to comfort and encourage him. Cloud felt a cold, sick feeling in his stomach when he saw Zack's pain and wished he could return the messages with something more than a look. Even opening his eyes for this stung like hell, though, and he was losing conciousness more and more often.
If only he were strong enough.
Burned on Burned on
The place of our promise that will never return
Run across the black-stained earth with a torn-off agony
See, I can flutter better than you thought
There were no real roads between cities, though there were paths and trails well worn by trucks. Cloud followed this path knowing it wasn't the first time. He promised himself, though, that it would be the last.
This was the road that was supposed to lead to salvation for him and Zack. He could still remember being thrown around in that rusting yellow pick-up, listening to Zack ramble on about what they would do when they reached Midgar. The city was synonomous for heaven to Cloud for quite some time. Even in his semi-concious state, he understood every reassurance Zack gave him and was confident that Zack could read his struggled expressions.
His body felt heavy, almost paralyzed under his own weight, and he could hardly move on his own. Zack had taken him from the Nibelheim mansion and dragged him miles before they got a ride to the eastern continent. Then there were a few more miles of walking before they ended up in the truck headed for Midgar's outskirts.
Cloud could feel tears stinging at his eyes. Up until the incidents in Nibelheim Sephiroth had true possession of his heart, and even had a slight grip on it until his death, but those feelings were finally fading now. Zack was the one who gripped his hardened heart now, and thought of the man brought tears to his eyes.
Zack had become more than his lover. He'd been his friend and companion, his savior, his idol. He'd tried to become the man, but he knew he didn't hold a candle to his long lost love. Cloud closed his eyes against the harsh winds as he continued down the path.
He could still feel the warmth of Zack's body, of his lifeblood washing over Cloud's skin. It burnt him like an acid and at the same time filled him with a strength he never knew he had. It was then that he last kissed the cold lips and first picked up the sword. He could hardly muster to lift it before then, but it felt light on his back now, and he headed to Midgar alone. Tears were hot on his face, burning a trail that would sear for the rest of Cloud's days.
He was sure he would die was well when he stumbled into Sector 7 and passed out on the train platform. And honestly, he didn't care.
Cloud let out a soft sigh, recalling Tifa's horrified face when she found him there. So she had survived. It was a surprise when he first saw her, though no longer when he really got to know her. The woman was stronger than Cloud ever thought. He had underestimated her, but was still relieved. At least he wasn't the only survivor from that hellfire. At least she was still there.
Memories were still blurred at that time, and he identified her as a long lost friend, maybe even love. Yes, he decided, he loved Tifa. He still would. He would take her away from the terrible life she was living and make her happy.
He laughed aloud now. He could hardly save and support himself, and his life was far from happy these days. When he got involved with AVALANCHE, it changed his life. He was done with all that now, and was becoming more confident that he had no regrets as he sat in the exact place his love had died about six years before.
If you can't hear me, even though I scream
I want you to destroy me with your own hands
While you can still hold me dear
Your arms that hold me back
Turn into a gentle dust
I simply stare at the sky, silently
Stars were beginning to dot the sky, and Cloud could feel the memories blazing in his mind. Every moment with Zack, with Sephiroth, with Tifa, with Aeris, every second he held dear was bluring together and rushing through his head. Was this what one meant when they said their life was flashing before their eyes? If that was so, he really was ready to die.
He felt Zack's hands on his face, gently tracing his cheekbone. He felt the heat of Sephiroth's body, pressed hard against his. He could taste Aeris, hot on his lips, and smell her sweet sent. He could feel Tifa's gentle embrace and her body against his as she slept in his arms that final night.
Maybe he did love her. Perhaps he loved Aeris as well. Could it be that the admiriation and true appreciation he felt for Zack, the lust he shared with Sephiroth, the passion he had with Aeris, and the sense of caring and safety he felt with Tifa were all different loves? Could one truely love so many in one lifetime? Cloud smiled gently, and for once in his life he felt truly blessed.
He had always felt unlucky and at a disadvantage in life, but for once he felt on top of the game. There were people who would wait liftimes for a love equal to any one of those, and he had four seperate and wonderful lovers. Only all but one was dead. Maybe that was how the universe balanced it all out. He could love as much as he wanted, but he had to watch them all die. What if it would be the same for Tifa? Could he stand to lose another love?
In his mind he said I won't let it happen again, but his lips were still and his eyes shimmering with unshed tears lit by midnight sky.
Never again. His mind repeated. He wouldn't stand by and watch the planet take another from him.
He wouldn't end up suffering and alone again.
Now was the time to end all of that pain, all the loneliness, all the suffering. This was the end-all, and he was ready.
He'd always felt before that something was tying him to this world. There was some sort of unresolved conflicts that kept him from freedom, but now he understood. He'd sorted out his problems over the past months and finally he felt free.
He smirked to the skies, now, even as his eyes continued to burn with the unshed tears. Regret edged at his mind, but he had no time to notice it.
Usually when one had plans the same as his, they felt they had nothing in their life that ever made it worth living. Right now all he felt was that those things, those people, made it more worth dying.
Burned down Burned down
The inerasable scars left by the palms of my hands
Sever a rift in the red-stained clouds with my torn wings
Burned on Burned on
The place of our promise that will never return
See, I can flutter better than you thought
He stood and stepped closer to the edge of the cliffs overlooking Midgar. They weren't particularly steep, though enough to snap a neck if one landed correctly. Cloud only hoped it would be enough.
His palms were damp and his skin felt clammy, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. This was it. He went through a mental checklist. All his things were tidy and packed in the room he rented in Tifa's inn. There was a note explaining everything, at least as much as he could. Actually, he left enough out that he was confident she would feel at least a little better. He made it quite apparent that he loved her, but also that he loved the others as well. He told her they'd be together then, later, when she returned to the planet.
On second thought, he wished he hadn't made it so sappy and philosophical. It wasn't in his nature. It was too late now, though. If he were to return and she'd already seen the note, he'd never get another chance. She'd probably have him commited. He shook the thoughts from his mind and stepped back. There was only one more thing he felt compelled to do.
He drew the rusting old buster sword from its holster and drove it into the ground. It was still fitted with two materia orbs, their surfaces scratched and dulled.
"Thank you... for everything." he whispered to the sword, then turned back to the cliffs. He felt the wind whip at his face and it stung like freezing hell. Soon all that would end, though. From what he'd heard, he'd be free. There would be no more of this pain. Just peace. And his loves.
The regrets were gone and an eerie peace settled over him.
He spread his arms and took a last step, never looking back.