A/N: The lyrics are from the song "Saturn" by Sleeping at Last. This is a side-along story to Alive.
You taught me the courage of stars before you left
How light carries on endlessly, even after death
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist
Depending on the breed cicadas can live up to six, ten, even seventeen years. They spend all those years underground, sleeping. At the very end, in the summer, they come up and live just one week on the surface before they die. The cicadas shout, at the top of their lungs, they scream, telling everyone within their range that they exist, and after a week of this, they die and fall.
Hinata Shouyou was like a cicada. He made his debut on Karasuno's team with all the noise of summer fireworks and he made sure that everyone knew he was there while he lasted. It was brief. He screamed out to the world. Then he was gone.
Standing with the rest of Karasuno, Tsukishima wasn't sure there was a name for the emotion he was feeling. A tight, harsh grip in his chest and pain like he had just taken one of Asahi's spikes to his stomach, what was it called? Despair? Loss?
Tsukishima may be rude and quiet, but despite all that he did care for his friends, even if he didn't always know how to show it. Despite the fact that he'd never become close with Hinata, he still considered the team's decoy a friend. A good friend even, the same could be said about the entire team. He never had to hide his personality with them, they may complain but they always accepted him, Hinata included.
When Takeda-sensei had gestured an obviously reluctant Hinata to come into the gym after he'd called for a team meeting Tsukishima had known something was wrong. When Hinata had made his announcement he'd felt a sinking feeling at the confirmation that something was very wrong. He still hadn't been expecting news like that.
Tsukishima was the first person to join Suga in hugging Hinata.
The walk home was quiet. No one knew what to say. They had all seen Hinata off, his mother picking him up because the bike ride back to his house would be too stressful on his body.
Tsukishima didn't know what to do. Nothing he did or say could make Hinata better, and in turn unless Hinata was better nothing would be able to prevent the pain that his inevitable loss would cause. It reminded Tsukishima of his brother. He'd not been able to do anything to help him either. But unlike his brother this was much worse.
It's like attempting to prepare for car crash, as you're watching it happen. You start to cringe and want to stay back out of the way so you don't get hurt, but this wasn't a car crash. This was a friend who was sick and dying. Tsukishima could run as far away from it as possible and it still wouldn't protect him because there was nothing that could save Hinata. He could go home and pretend this never happened but he would have to face the reality of it first thing the next day when Hinata was no longer at volleyball practice.
All of the team could see it, Tsukishima was sure. Hinata hadn't been allowed to leave the bed for a few weeks now, and he would often doze off while they were there as his strength flagged. For the past couple of visits only one or two people had been allowed into his room at once and even that was too much, really. So when they had all been allowed back in at once Nishinoya and Tanaka had been excited, thinking he'd regained so strength, Tsukishima had been too, until he noticed the pained look on Suga's face before he hid it in Daichi's shoulder. That's when he realized it could mean something different. Like that Hinata was close to the end and the doctor's wanted him to have as much time with his friends as he could.
Tsukishima noticed other things then too, like the bone-deep weary look Hinata's mother wore as she walked down to the cafeteria with her daughter and Hinata's father after the team had promised to sit with Hinata while they were gone. Or the way Hinata's father looked back at the room several times like he was reluctant to be going even a step away from Hinata's bedside. Even the sad look on some of the nurses' faces as the team walked into the room had made Tsukishima brace himself.
Death isn't always a peaceful thing, especially with a disease raging inside your body, but it still made Tsukishima suck in his breath some when he walked into the room and saw how small and pale Hinata looked lying in that bed. It was such a huge change from how he'd been before this all happened, or even just a few days ago that it was impossible not to accept that he didn't have much longer.
And it really wasn't much longer. Tsukishima had been arguing with Kageyama, he couldn't even remember what about looking back on it, but there had been just the lightest brush like a breeze created when someone walks past you and then the alarms sounded. Tsukishima along with the rest of the team had whipped around towards Hinata as a whole.
Hinata was so tiny. He'd always been small, but he had lost weight while in the hospital and the bed dwarfed him. His hair had lost some of its brightness and his skin had gotten pale. His eyes were closed though, even though they had just been open. Kageyama was yelling and trying to stalk over to the bed but Asahi was dragging him out of the room as doctors and nurses were pouring in. One of the nurses started herding the rest of the team out and she had to gently guide Tsukishima out. He couldn't take his eyes off of Hinata. Not even after he was out in the hallway, he just kept looking in the direction that he knew Hinata was in, lying in that bed.
Tsukishima knew it wasn't the end. Hinata couldn't die. Maybe this was some elaborate prank that he pulled and soon Hinata would come bursting out of the room and laugh at all of them. Tsukishima kept telling himself that. Right up until the moment the doctor came out of the room with a sad look on his face and asked if any one knew where Hinata's parents had gone.
Then Tsukishima stumbled backwards into the nearest chair. He didn't bother trying to hide his tears, no one would be looking anyway, they were too busy crying themselves.
There are things that never truly leave you. Some memories that shine brightly despite their age. Hinata Shouyou was one of those memories. No matter how many years had passed Tsukishima would see a flash or orange out of the corner of his eye and follow it, hoping, only to be disappointed. He knew it was worse for some of the others. Kageyama still couldn't talk about him and Daichi and Suga had an aura of parents who had had to bury a child. Tsukishima knew from Kuroo that Kenma had been devastated by it, still was if Kuroo was to be believed.
But things did get better eventually, as they always do. Yacchi pulled Kageyama out of they shell he had entered for awhile after Hinata was gone. Daichi and Suga struggled through together and came out stronger on the other side. If anything, Hinata's death made them all realize that they could never know when things would end and they stuck together trying to make each moment last. Even after they had all graduated they still tried to meet up regularly when they could. Tsukishima was on the way to one of those gatherings when he saw a flash of orange out of the corner of his eye.
Even ten years after he'd gone Tsukishima still turned, always hoping, that it would be Hinata even though he knew it wouldn't. Tsukishima never had time though to figure out what that flash had been. As he'd turned to look at it he'd noticed the car that was coming straight towards him, but despite seeing it sooner than what he originally would have, he didn't have enough time to do anything but shove Yamaguchi, who was walking just slightly in front of him further onto the side walk before everything faded to black.
When Tsukishima opened his eyes he was in a field of flowers, the sweet scent, bright light and twittering of birds drastically different from the sound of screeching metal and the call of his name, the encroaching darkness and scent of gas that was the last thing he remembered. Caught of guard he was even more unsettled with a figure leaned over and shaded him from the sun. With sudden, startling clarity the figure came into focus.
Jerking into a sitting position Tsukishima could do nothing but stare as Hinata smiled at him. He wasn't all that surprised when he felt a suspicious dampness in his eyes and he had to blink rapidly to keep the tears from falling, but he couldn't look away. Not when someone he had missed so much was in front of him again after ten long years.
"Hey Tsukishima, long time no see I guess?" Hinata laughed a little and Tsukishima stared for just a few more seconds before he was able to react. Scoffing he looked away so he could discreetly wipe at his eyes. "So I guess I'm dead then?" He asked glancing at Hinata out of the corner of his eye so he could make sure the short boy hadn't disappeared.
No Tsukishima wouldn't make that mistake again. Last time no one had been watching Hinata, the boy had been gone in-between one breath and the next.
"Ah yea! Do you remember what happened? I had a little trouble remembering at first when I got here!" Hinata laughed a little and jumped up and looked off to the side.
"Of course I do, I was in a car accident." Tsukishima scoffed a little and stood up as well. Hesitating only briefly, he couldn't help but reach out and embrace Hinata. He could feel the shorter boy stiffen a little but couldn't bring himself to let go just yet. "I'm glad to see that you're doing well, everyone still misses you." Tsukishima whispered before stepping back again. "So tell me about the afterlife."
Watching the boy as he chattered and started dragging Tsukishima towards a clearing that could be glimpsed slightly though the trees on the edge of the meadow, he promised himself. This time he wouldn't take his eyes off the bright boy. Until there was someone else with them that he could trust to watch Hinata, Tsukishima would do his best to watch out for the bright boy.
In a place where there are no more shadows, Tsukishima is happy. It is only Hinata and he at the moment but he knows that when their times come the others will join them. Tsukishima can see it now. They'll play volleyball together again and they'll laugh and enjoy themselves like they haven't been able to do since long ago when Hinata told them he was sick. Leaning back Tsukishima closes his eyes and basks in the sunlight, listening to the sound of cicadas that never stop.
I couldn't help but ask
For you to say it all again
I tried to write it down
But I could never find a pen
I'd give anything to hear
You say it one more time