The (insert adjective here) Smash Mansion
Chapter One
What happens when, between beating the snot out of each other, an emo chocobo guy with an insanely huge sword, a prissy idiot with an inflated ego and a blueberry for hair, an angel who is innocent to the point of actually being annoying, a chicken - loving gangsta who fights for his friends, a mischevious ginger (because who needs an interesting character when you have red hair), and a lazy British Peter Pan knockoff hang out in a rec room together?
Absolute boredom, apparently.
Th six in question were, well, hanging out in a rec room. Y'know, If you were too lazy to actually read the first paragraph.
In the corner were two people sitting on the floor. You could probably mistake them for twins, had ones hair not been lighter and spikier than that of the others. One of them, the one the with lighter, spikier hair strummed a sad tune in his unplugged electric guitar while crying softly. He was the edgiest of the bunch: Cloud Strife.
Next to him was the ultimate Keebler elf, Santas little helper, Link. He muttered something in his sleep about being sick of 'all the elf jokes'. Nobody cared
On the couch, playing Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance on the Wii U, was an egotistical blueberry prince and a gangsta who somehow made having an empty bucket of chicken on his head look threatening. These two were Marth, the crown (and very inbred) prince of Altea, and Ike, General of the Greil Mercenaries and all - around chicken enthusiast. Somehow, even with a bucket of chicken on his head, two chicken breasts in his mouth and a chicken drumstick up each nostril the latter was able to create perfect strategies against those of the AI. It should be noted that Path of Radiance is a single player game; nobody really knows why Marth was even there.
In the single other piece of furniture in the room, a comfy chair, was a redhead giggling evilly to himself while looking over a journal. This was Roy, the maniacal ginger. I don't really know why I keep mentioning his red hair. It's not, like, an important plot detail, or anything.
Finally, innocently hovering behind the couch was an innocently innocent angel. He was named Pit, and was quite innocent. Why he's hanging out with a bunch of losers like the swordsmen is anybodies guess.
It was actually a pretty normal scene. But this is a low quality slice of life fanfict - I mean, the Smash Mansion, so of course this peace couldn't last. Roy, as usual, was he one to end the fragile atmosphere.
"Behold!" He shouted, making everyone turn towards him (with the obvious exclusion of Ike, who turned in the opposite direction, because with a bucket on his head he couldn't see shit). Even Link opened a single eye.
"I have created," Roy continued in the same boisterous tone, the perfect method of asking zero suit Samus out!"
Link rolled his single visible eye. "Sure mate," he yawned, lazily closing his eye, "You and half the mansion. 'Sides, since Other M all she cares about is that one Metroid baby that sacrificed itself for her, or some BS like that."
"Sir Link! Truly, it seems you do not grasp the importance of family ties!" Marth valiantly exclaimed.
Link sighed, raising his hands behind his head, supporting himself. "And you do? Look, mate, pretty much everyone here has some sort of fucked up family dynamic."
"Ditto to that shit homie," Ike butted in, having finally finished the two chicken breasts in his mouth. "Bitches drove mah dad crazy an' he killed tons o' peeps in front a' me!"
Cloud finally spoke up, still sniffling.
"My... My mom was impaled in front of me by..." Here he paused, seemingly sucking air into his lungs. Link, knowing what was coming, reached up and covered his sensitive Hylian ears with uncharacteristic haste.
"Sephiroth!"
Cloud then forgot his guitar entirely and flopped onto Links shoulder, sobbing. Dude's been through a lot. Edgy.
"In comparison to some of yours, mine is pretty mundane," began Link, awkwardly patting Cloud on the head. "I never met my dad, but with the stuff he did, I don't really blame 'im. Including alternate timelines, he lived through at least five mass genocides, four of them, indirectly or directly, caused by 'im. To have lived through shit like that and not kill yourself? Seems like a pretty stand-up bloke to me."
"My mom puts an eggplant on her no - no square, and we wrestle all night! Even though we've been doing it for a while, it still hurts sometimes...," Pit interjected sadly.
Any movement that was left in the room since the start of the conversation ground to a halt.
"Wait... So Palutena... Molests you at night?" Roy questioned, shocked enough to forget his anger towards Link.
Pit was immediately back to his former self. "Nope! They're love cuddles!"
"... Okay.." Marth began, still reeling from the dark revelation. "Well, unlike you filthy commoners," he shot a look at Link, "Me and Roy's parents were honorable royals, the spitting image of perfect paren-"
Here he was abruptly interrupted by Roy. "Uhh, no they weren't. My Dad was constantly cheating on Mom with that floozy Lyn. Besides, when your mom died, didn't your dad throw himself into the war, constantly absent from your life, up until the day he died?"
Marth stuttered, "... Maybe."
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"Holy shit that was a lot of exposition!"
A/N: whew, first chapter up. Basically, I was at a cabin with no wifi for the weekend and felt like writing a fanfiction. Riveting story, I know. Anyway, think you can guess who Link's father is? Tell me in the comments!
Anyway, until next time, this is SubparHoot, over and out.
Wow that was nerdy.