When Blaine gets the role of Tony, he's ecstatic and touched. It's the first time since Dalton that he really feels like he belongs at McKinley, that he feels recognized and praised for his talent. Kurt says he's happy for him, but there's something in his smile that doesn't feel right, that feels betrayed.
And he's at a loss because he's not sure if he's done something wrong or if Kurt might actually be jealous. Even though there's nothing to be jealous over. There will be more performances, these three nights as Tony will not make or break his chances of getting into NYADA and honestly, as much as he loves Rachel, the practice stage kisses are really throwing him off his game. Too many memories stirring up of a night of too much alcohol and fizzy pink drinks that tickle his nose and rest warmly in his belly.
He's through one practice before he realizes that Kurt is jealous and he guesses he understands, really, it sounds like he's bragging but sometimes stuff does just get handed to him.
He's willing to give it up, for Kurt, because he loves him. Because it's just a stage and he can dance and sing on a hundred others when the right time comes.
Blaine loves Kurt but sometimes Kurt makes him feel like he should have to give things up to make everything fair. Even when the world isn't like that and it never will be.
He meets Sebastian. And Sebastian makes him blush, he tells him things he wants to hear but that doesn't mean Blaine doesn't enjoying hearing them. He makes him feel appreciated and admired and maybe those are bad things because he's in a relationship with Kurt—
"I didn't think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out…"
But he'd be lying if he says that hearing those things doesn't make him feel good.
He invites the Warblers and he hits the stage as Tony. It's everything he wants it to be, his old life and his new life come together in the fluffy red seats of the audience, he drowns in the applause.
Kurt gives him a dozen red roses, they're 'I'm sorry' flowers but they're still just as beautiful in an aching sort of way.
He gathers his stuff backstage to meet Kurt outside when he finds Sebastian on stage, a single white carnation in his hand.
"You were amazing." He says, passes him the flower, strikingly contrasting against Kurt's roses.
"Thank you." He smiles, he's not sure about Sebastian yet. Isn't sure if he trusts him. His heart pounds uneasily in his ribcage and that's more than enough to tell him he shouldn't.
Blaine smells the carnation, it's sweet scent sticks to the inside of his nose for hours afterwards.
"There are some people who put themselves in the spotlight Blaine, and then there's some people who belong in it."
He doesn't ask what Sebastian means. He thinks he already knows.
Kurt's roses die a week later. When he goes over to his desk to clean up the petals and throw the flowers away, he notices that Sebastian's carnation is still there. Some petals are brown but most are white. It's hanging on a lot longer than Kurt's roses— like it's trying to tell him something or remind him of a drunken night that he (doesn't really) want to forget.
000
Artie gives him the role of Teen Angel and he has no idea whether he wants to be frustrated or angry that they can't just listen to him that he doesn't want to have any part in Grease. It's why he drops out of the role of Danny, even though he'd make a perfect Danny, because his heart's not in it anymore.
His heart isn't in anything anymore.
He's shattered trust and he's broken promises and that loneliness inside only gets deeper, only grows to the point where he feels like he can't crawl out.
Blaine sings Beauty School Drop-out and he hits every part right, the crowd easily falls in love with him but he can't even enjoy it because his eyes meet Kurt's in the audience and he's only met with how much he's fucked everything up.
Not a perfect rendition on stage can bring back what they had, no amount of accomplishment sitting in his bones or the warmth he feels circulate through his entire body can make up for what he's done. He's said 'I'm sorry' and he's tried to explain.
And really, there's nothing left.
It's all on Kurt and Kurt's going back to New York, back to brighter lights and louder noises and bigger dreams.
He tugs his black polo back on, glances in the mirror of his dressing room and sees someone familiar. His hair is a bit longer and Blaine scrunches his nose because he hates it but his eyes zero in on a white carnation, dangling between the other's fingers.
"When did you get here?" They're not really friends. But if Blaine's honest, they've never really been just friends anyways.
"I watched your song," He smiles, taking that as an invitation to come closer. Sebastian smirks, it does something to his insides that he had forgotten.
"I was here the whole time I was just… towards the back of the theater where you couldn't see."
Blaine glances down at the carnation, takes it from him, their fingers brush. "Thank you."
"I was going to give it to you sooner but…I wasn't sure if Kurt was lurking." Sebastian stuffs his hands in his pockets and Blaine has this weird smile on his face like he's not sure whether he wants to laugh or cry.
"We broke up." Tries it in his mouth, makes it final by saying it outloud in the air.
The taller nods, slowly, like he's testing the idea a moment, letting it roll around in his skull. "Hmm." Is all he says.
"I cheated on him." He blurts out because he wants him to be angry with him, like everyone else is, but of course Sebastian's not.
Because he gets it, in a way, he gets it like no one else does.
"If you want someone to reprimand you, you've come to the wrong person." He says, his voice is low. Blaine opens his mouth to…he's not sure, explain maybe but Sebastian waves his hand. "Loneliness can do a lot of stupid things to people. Can make you cheat on someone or convince you to devise a stupid plan that includes slushies and rock salt."
His mouth falls open, hazel eyes searching green and Sebastian smirks, tugs two petals off the flower Blaine's clutching and places them in his hand. He's reminded of that stupid child's game—he loves me, he loves me not…but he's not sure which petal represents which.
Blaine goes home and puts the carnation in water, hides the petals between the pages of a poetry book.
I wanted to be wanted and he was very beautiful,
kissed with his eyes closed, and only felt good while moving.
You could drown in those eyes, I said.
The flower dies but he keeps the pressed petals.
000
He lands the role of Tony in New York his second year out of college and it's not until he's at dress rehearsal that he feels like his entire life and things he's worked so hard for has come full circle. He's not the person he thought he would be, but somehow that's even better. It's like he's surprised himself and for once he's happy about something not happening according to plan.
The thing is is that New York had always been synonymous with Kurt, with his life with him, both of their dreams opening up like giant blankets to cover the city. He never thought it'd be anything different, any daydream of his for years had been the two of them, hand in hand, lives intertwining because he thought that was what fate had looked like.
He thought it was roses when it was actually a white carnation.
Blaine's humming 'Tonight' when one appears from behind him, in front of his nose, the petals tickling his lips.
"Surprise." Sebastian says, slides up behind him, one arm wrapping around his waist to tug him back into his chest.
He chuckles, takes the flower from him, turns his head to receive a small kiss from his boyfriend. "You know you're hours early right?"
"I was hoping for a good luck blowjob session." Sebastian winks, lets his hands dip down Blaine's sides enough to tickle him.
The shorter squirms and smacks his arm with the flower. "Behave."
Sebastian puts his hands up in surrender before pulling the other close again, his lips tracing a feather light kiss against his forehead, the bridge of his nose and then finally his lips.
"Don't be nervous."
Blaine sighs, a short laugh tagged on to the end of it because of course Sebastian knows how he feels before he even has to say anything. "I'm glad you're here."
Sebastian tilts his chin, and they kiss, and Blaine thinks he understands the lyrics of 'Tonight' through the other's kisses, can hear the tone and feel the words on his tongue.
"Wouldn't miss it for the world." He breathes against his lips, Blaine standing up on his toes to nuzzle their noses. "Break a leg, Killer."
Blaine lets out a long sigh, chuckling softly as he watches him go, turns to head towards the dressing room area and pauses as he sees his section of the shared sets of vanity mirrors the cast uses to apply makeup and finishing touches.
It's covered in white carnations.
"Wow, that's a lot of white carnations." His Maria steps up besides him and beams, eying the flowers.
"They're for good luck." Blaine picks one up and twirls it between his fingers, shaking his head as a smile tugs on his lips.
"You know, white carnations are supposed to be even more romantic than roses." She picks one up and breathes in the scent. "They symbolize luck, yeah, but pure love too."
Blaine bites his lower lip and picks up a carnation to join the other he already has in his hand, the petals pressing into one another.
"You were amazing." Sebastian says, passes him the flower, strikingly contrasting against Kurt's roses.
Yeah, he thinks he might have already known that.
"You're one lucky guy."
He hums, runs his thumb over one of the petals. "Yeah," He says. "Yeah, I am."