A/N: Thanks to Akirys for helping me with the title! I do not own anything. Side Note: If Alex Hirsch manages to get a drunk character into the next season of Gravity Falls (SUMMER 2014), then I won't actually be very shocked.
Grunkle Stan's Guide To St. Patrick's Day: Drunk Edition
Late evening, Mystery Shack….
Surrounded by approximately fifty bottles of expired cider, Grunkle Stan snored on his desk. A little pile of old man drool was pooling up on his notes. A little fly swished around the room, searching for food. It landed on Grunkle Stan's eye. He grunted and slapped himself in the face. Stirring, he dragged himself up and fumbled around for the clock.
After wiping his eyes with a dirty tissue, he blearily looked up. "Hey, Soos…Dipper...Mabel? Y'here? Where's the pig? Anyone? I can't find a clock and I need to write something down for the paper. Soos?" Sighing, he hoisted himself off of the chair and began the arduous effort of walking.
As Grunkle Stan began to move around, he noticed many odd things. His dartboard of Gideon had some messages scrawled on it with a ballpoint pen, and his cash register had been spray-painted yellow. Outside, toilet paper was strewn across the town. Gideon was on top of the water tower, experiencing quite a nasty wedgie. The local goat had a stick taped to his beard, and was desperately trying to get at a tin can that was tied to the end. Almost the entire town was waiting outside of the Mystery Shack, pitchforks and angry signs in hand. McGucket was carrying a spear.
Grunkle Stan turned pale. "Ah, NUTS!" Quickly, he grabbed one of his guns and blasted through his chair. Once it was smashed, he yanked out an overcoat and a bowler hat. After hurriedly shoving them on, he edged outside. The mob immediately raced for him, out for blood.
"You're under arrest, Pines!" Sheriff Blubs yelled. "We've had enough of your cider-fuel antics!"
Grunkle Stan adopted a bad British accent. "Eh? Wot, wot? I'm a businessman from England. Harry Potter! Bad teeth! Stiff...upper lip?" For once, they weren't fooled. Stan threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran for his life.
Remember, kids! Drinking too much cider on Saint Patrick's Day can lead to hijinks, and that's NO GOOD!