The Mary-Sue Files
A/N: This is my revenge on the Suethors of the world. This is the Mary-Sue files and this fic will demonstrate just how incredibly stupid Mary-Sue and Gary-Stus are. I am starting with Hermione!Sue because that is the one Sue that grates on me the most. I hope you enjoy and review/flame if you want. I am not taking myself seriously and this is just for fun.
Disclaimers: All the canon!Sues belong to JKR along with the characters from the books. The others are figments of my warped imagination. Either way, I wouldn't bother to sue me (Haha), I have nothing worth taking!
It all started when her incredibly strange-named cousin came over from America. Tiffany Sparkle Granger worked as a personal shopper in a shop called Bloomingdales and knew all of the current fashion trends. Hermione tried in vain to remain in her room reading, pleading that she didn't need to go and get new clothes. She knew from reading stories on the internet that if she went then she would be forced to become OOC but alas, Tiffany didn't heed her words.
So that explained why she was standing on Platform 9 3/4 wearing less clothes than she could possibly have imagined. Gone was her school uniform because that was so 'not cool'. Instead she was wearing a tiny red plaid skirt that barely covered her bottom with a white shirt that she was bursting out of, thanks to her growth spurt and good bras.
"Ron! Harry!" she yelled as she saw her two friends, running over with her silky, straight hair to talk to them. However, they merely looked over their shoulders with strange looks before walking onto the train. "Why won't they talk to me? I'm so unloved." Hermione said in a small voice, tears welling up in her eyes.
She made her way onto the train, carrying her huge trunk full of clothes and make-up and tried to find Harry and Ron. She eventually found them and walked in, only to see them frown slightly. "Sorry, we're waiting for our friend Hermione. You can't sit here." Harry said.
Hermione smiled, revealing her perfect Lockhart-style grin. "But it is me! Hermione! You know, your best friend?" she queried, her perfect eyebrow perfectly arched. Ron turned into a blithering idiot as he ogled her, taking in how she had changed over the summer. As Hermione feared, he had fallen prey to her subtle seductive charms that had been installed into her along with the new clothes. "Ron, stop staring at me. I'm not meat, you know." she said, exasperated with his behaviour. She was however, quite amazed by his ability of being able to keep his eyes open for so long without blinking.
Harry shook his head. "No, you can't be her. Can she Ron? Ron, stop looking at the girl!" Harry said.
Ron nodded. "It's her. She has that slight birthmark on her inner thigh, although I could hardly see it last year because her skirts always covered her knees and I only ever got to see it if she wasn't paying attention." he said in a grave voice, earning him a glare from the Incredibly Beautiful Hermione.
Harry's expression turned thunderous. "WHY DOES NOBODY EVER TELL ME THESE THINGS?! YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING HERMIONE AND IT'S MAKING ME GO CAPS-LOCK CRAZY!" he yelled, pointing at Hermione.
Hermione stepped back slightly and felt more tears gathering in her eyes. "If that's how you feel Harry Potter then I shall go and never return. I've been abused you know!" she yelled as an afterthought before picking up her trunk and walking out of the compartment, only to be leapt on by Luna Lovegood.
"Agh! Luna, what are you doing?" she asked, seeing the blonde girl whip out a Wizarding camera. "No, don't take photos! I have very little make-up on and no... That's my bad side!" she whined.
Luna got up off her and nodded triumphantly. "Oh yes, daddy will be pleased. We were starting to think that such things never existed but this... Oh, this will make the front page for sure." she said happily.
Hermione got up and dusted herself off, careful to make sure that her clothes weren't stained. "What will make the front page? Am I going to be famous? I modelled this summer you know." she said smugly.
Luna's large eyes bulged and she took out a notepad, scribbling everything down quickly. "Of course you'll make the front page. We've been searching for Hermione-Sue's for ages."
Hermione was speechless. "Hermione-Sue?! I am not Hermione Sue! My name is Hermione Jane Granger and I'll hex anyone who tries to imply otherwise." she screeched, so loud that people looked out of the compartments to see what was going on.
Luna smiled vacantly and nodded. "If you say so. Good day." she said before turning away and walking into a compartment, leaving Hermione shaken and angry.
Hermione spent most of the journey sobbing in a strangely-empty compartment, only stopping to buy some food off the witch who sold food on the train. She was just about to start crying again when somebody walked into the compartment, only to be struck dumb by her beauty.
"Go away Malfoy, I don't want to talk." she said, sniffing and wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
However Draco could not reply, he was too busy noticing how the bushy-haired bookworm had turned into this vision of beauty and sexiness. "We must be together." he said when he was finally able to speak. "Look at me Hermione, I have turned into Leather Trouser-Wearing Sex God Draco ™ and you are Beautiful And Slightly Slutty Hermione ™. It's destiny." he told her.
She looked up and noticed that he had indeed grown handsome and was wearing a pair of leather trousers that fit him in all the right places. She smiled and nodded, jumping up and flinging herself into his arms. They snogged for several minutes until a scream pierced the air, causing them to jump apart. Ginny Weasley was standing in the doorway, looking scared and very green. "HERMIONE GRANGER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" she asked.
Hermione smiled in a conciliatory manner. "Me and Draco are together. We are both so beautiful that we must be together. It's in a prophecy or something."
"I must avenge my brother, he has loved you for years and you are cavorting with this... Piece of scum!" she said hotly, levelling the famous Molly Weasley Glare ™ at Draco who replied with his Evil Slytherin Git Smirk ™.
Hermione panicked and stood in between the two. "No Ginny, you mustn't! If you do then life as we know it will change. Ron is destined to end up with Luna and you shall marry Harry, it is the only way that this story can end. Did you know that I'm Head Girl this year?" she asked, changing the subject.
Draco whirled her around, surprising her greatly. "But that is great! I am Head Boy and we can spend all our free time having mad and passionate sex." he told her, kissing her deeply and only breaking away when Hermione heard Ginny throwing up in the corner of the compartment.
"A little dramatic?" she asked.
Ginny shook her head. "I shouldn't be with Harry. I have harboured a secret crush on Voldemort for years and I want my womb to carry Voldemort spawn. I think we would rule the Wizarding world together quite admirably. Besides I am a vampire and I could quite possibly leech the life blood out of Harry if we ever had sex." she told Hermione in a quiet voice.
Draco was very angry at this. "No! Hermione and I are to become the fabulous new leaders of the Wizarding world. Be gone Weaslette! My father will have you expelled for being a vampire, he wields much influence in the Ministry."
"Oh yeah, well your father's in Azkaban you git!" Ginny screamed, tears running down her face. Hermione had often heard of Ginny being the most emotional of the Weasleys but she didn't think it would be quite this bad. Once again, she stepped between them.
"Look, this story is about me so will you please stop sniping at each other and adore my luscious body and shiny hair please?" she asked, feeling unloved. She pouted slightly and Ginny flounced off, leaving her with her sexy but evil new boyfriend. "Drakie-poo, you have dumped that horrible Pansy girl haven't you?" she asked.
He nodded and as he went to kiss her again, there was another piercing shriek. They turned to see who it was and on seeing Pansy Parkinson, Hermione sighed beautifully. "Why can't you all leave me alone so I can shag Draco?!" she cried out, so upset that Draco could not pacify her. "No, let me handle this. Avada Kedavra, you pug-faced bitch!" she yelled, a green light flying out the end of her wand and hitting the other girl in the chest.
Draco looked at her, clearly bewildered and distraught. "You shall be sent to Azkaban! How shall I live without you, my dearest?!" he asked.
She shook her head. "No, the Ministry love me and because I am so close to Harry, I am allowed to use any spell I want. Also, it's in the Hermione-Sue handbook on page forty. Do you see?" she asked, handing him the book.
He nodded sagely. "Ah... Does this mean that we can snog in peace now?" he asked.
"NO IT DOESN'T! UNHAND HER MALFOY!" Ron said, aiming his wand at Draco who couldn't get his wand out of his ridiculously tight leather trousers. "HAS HE SULLIED YOU?" he asked Hermione, before muttering "Avada Kedavra!"
"Noooooooooo..." Hermione said, diving in front of Draco and taking the spell for him. "I love you Draco." she said before dying in his arms, her arm flung fetchingly over her forehead, making her look like the tragic heroine in the story.
Draco sighed and looked down at her. "What a waste of beauty. I'm afraid I must kill you though Weasel because you killed my true love. You do understand, right?" he asked.
And that was the beginning of the Hogwarts Express Massacre. The only person who made it to Hogwarts alive was Neville Longbottom. Even Trevor had been killed, although that was due to Gregory Goyle standing on him.
Dumbledore was saddened by the news and the only thing he had to say on the incident was... "That's what you get when you mess about with canon characters, now where are my new socks Minerva?"
Review?
Thanks very much
--Bex--