Okay so this fic is based on the chapter when Will, Tessa, and Jem go to the Starkweather Institute. But in this scenario, Jem is too sick to go, so only Tessa and Will go, and Tessa brought the book that will slid under her door.

Will missed her. So badly. He had no reason to miss her, as she was right in front of him, but he couldn't keep denying that the ache consuming him was a homesickness for her. And it was all his doing that created this barrier between them, this wall that was too high to climb and too wide to go around, too deep to dig under. Through wasn't an option. He had stopped any chance of Tessa Gray ever getting as close as he would want her to be, all in order to "save her". Calling her a prostitute certainly didn't feel like saving her. It felt like hooks were being put into his skin and yanking to the sides as he saw her flinch away from him. But now, just a couple days later, they are being told they need to go on a mission together, and he was equal parts enthralled and devastated with the idea of spending time with her for so long.

"It's really quite simple. All you both need to do is go to the starkweather institute and pick up on whatever "trace" Tessa needs so that she can do her magic trick, and it's done, right?" Jessamine's attitude was in every word, for no apparent reason other than to be snotty. Charolette nodded. "Well, not everything is that simple, Jess. He may say no to them at the door, they may run into trouble-"

"Of course they will- Will is going"

"I don't understand why you both confuse the word "trouble" for "excitement" all of the time. I fear I need to buy the lot of you dictionaries this Christmas." Will said, trying to calm himself with the knowledge that they were actually going to be together for such a long period of time. Tessa hadn't said anything during this whole conversation, which made everything in his head have a queazy tension to it. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking at the moment. Was she as terrified as he was? If so, it was not the giddy terror that he felt, but a revolting fear, he thought soberly.

"When do we depart?" Came Tessa's soft voice, the voice that he had imagined talking to him whenever he woke up alone from a nightmare. The voice he wanted to hear the words "I love you" say to him.

"As soon as possible. Would you both go pack now, and Ill have Cyril waiting in the carriage to take you to the train station." Charolotte dismissed them with that statement, causing Will's adrenaline to spike. This was happening. A three day trip with her. He let her leave the room first, as he didn't want her to be able to read the emotions he couldn't stop from reaching their way to his face.

"Meet you at the front gate, Tess." He said as he walked towards his door, cursing himself for not being able to shut up for a moment. His voice was uneven and he was sure she heard it. She probably thought he was making fun of her or adding insult to injury in some way.

After packing, he did meet her at the front gate, him being the last one to arrive because of his distracting thoughts about her. He didn't make eye contact as he helped her into the carriage, holding onto her hand as she ascended, and unconsciously still holding onto it as he got in himself, only noticing what he was doing when she pulled her hand back. He dipped his head to hide his face while he reprimanded himself. This is going to be three days. You can't do this every moment you are with her. He lifted his head and tried to give her a rueful smile.

"Are you excited to finally leave this dismal prison we've been keeping you in?" He asked, trying to brighten the mood.

"It's hardly leaving if you are going to imprison me again in three days," and he had never been so glad to have her return his joke. He sat across from her on the bench and didn't care to look out the windows when he could look at her. The environment might change through the glass, but her face was a never ending show of changing expressions and hidden meanings. He would gladly make it his life's work to understand each one.

She, on the other hand, was fascinated by the developing scenery outside of their carriage. She looked enchanted by things that Will would have never given a second glance to. Little stores, bridges with people walking across them, the clothes they wore. It was so easy for her to be interested in something; so easy, and yet her couldn't make her interested in him.

"Enjoying the view?" He asked after a couple of minutes of watching her.

"It's so different from New York, but in essence it's just the same." She murmured. "Lives so far apart act completely alike in the ways in which they move and work, even though everything else is completely different. Different country, different culture, different everything- and yet the same lives. It's amazing to think that people, no matter where they come from or who they are, are all the same at heart."

She said all of this without looking at him, but he wished she would. Talking about humanity and matters of the heart while staring into his eyes would surely send him overboard, but he thought it might be worth it to see the gleam in her eyes as she calculates the formula of words into a beautiful answer.

He decided to bypass her musings to calm himself down. "You got all that from looking at some random people walking around? You're quite the generalist, Tess."

She smiled a smile that wasn't meant for him. "Call me whatever you want, but you can't call me wrong" is all she replied.

"Alright, if you think you're so inquisitive, why don't you tell me what they're talking about right now," he countered, pointing to a middle aged couple sitting on a bench near the street. The woman looked stricken while the man looked disinterested.

"Why, they are the most easy to read, don't you think? The man obviously said something vulgar or insulting, as men often do," she said, glancing at him as she emphasized the "men often do" towards him, "and the woman is being polite by keeping her peace, while in reality all she wants to do it hit him across the face with her umbrella."

Despite the jab at him, he couldn't help but grin. She had a way with making him utterly defenseless to her wit.

"I don't know about that. What if he had made an excellent observation about how grand her bosoms looked in that dress of hers, and she was too stuck up to take the compliment as it was?" He joked, wanting to get a reaction out of her.

This time she fully looked at him with the same face the woman had given the older man- quite disturbingly similar.

"Then I hope she had enough sense to leave him that very moment, for no girl needs to be told how she looks by anyone but herself." She asserted, looking superior to anything he had to remark.

He couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth, "so if I were to think that you look beautiful in that dress of yours and you hair done up like that, you wouldn't want me to tell you?" He had to force the grin to stay on his face or else his expression would be that of a puppy dog whining for attention.

She didn't look phased in the least bit. "No I would not. My looks have nothing to do with who I am, so it shouldn't matter. I could be wearing Magnus Bane's glittery suit and that would have nothing to do with my character."

"Alright Tess, I'll keep that in mind." Was all he could say. He wanted her to want him to compliment her. He wanted to make her blush with the things he could say. He wanted to take her hand and kiss the palm of it as he told her how the color of her eyes made him feel safe, or how her shoulders looked perfect to grasp as he would pull her against him. But he couldn't say that even if she was fine with normal compliments.

Finally they rolled into the train station that would take them to the stark weather institute. He took her hand again as they descended from the carriage, this time making sure he let go at the appropriate moment. She stood amongst the people with a fascinated look in her eyes, and he wanted to kiss her cheek from how... adorable she was. His heart fluttered at the thought of being that close to her, let alone his lips on her skin. He knew how soft it was, but not as soft as her smile that she would give him after he would pull back... stop it.

"Alright then, let's get this over with" he said as they boarded the train.

As they sat, a servant of the train was walking around and giving instructions to the passengers. When she came to them, Tessa fulfilled her goal of asking every question there was to ask about the train. It ruffled Will's feathers just a bit. He could have answered all of those questions, in more detail to be precise. He would love to have her eagerly ask him all of those things and be the one to supply her with answers and knowledge. He wanted her to look to him for what she wanted, not some person she doesn't know.

As the servant started to seem annoyed by Tessa's questioning, Will patted her knee. "Leave the poor girl to her work, Tessa. The ride is a good day long, and you can learn as we go" he told her, and the servant nodded her thanks to him.

Tessa looked taken aback. "Oh sorry! I didn't realize what I was doing; it's all just so interesting" she said quizzically, as if she didn't understand why they didn't feel the same way.

He smiled at her and to himself. "Don't worry Tess. It's sweet that you can find joy in knowing the functions of each cog on the switch board over there. Everyone else here is bored senseless while you are buzzing with excitement."

"That's just because these people don't know how to enjoy themselves" she muttered under her breath. He chuckled at her idea of enjoyment.

She suddenly turned to him. "What do you do when you're bored?" She asked.

The first thing that came to mind was to say "think about you", but she wouldn't have taken that well. "Jem and I usually train together, or I go to a bar and make the acquaintance of the prettiest girl there, and leave, having utterly 'enjoyed myself'," he made himself say.

Again, she didn't seem amused. "That's it? Throwing knives or nights with strangers? I would get bored very soon with that schedule," she said, aghast at the lack of substance to his leisurely activities.

"Good thing," he remarked. "I wouldn't want you spending your nights with some stranger." It popped right out of his mouth without any consideration. There was an edge to his voice as he said it that made it seem all too serious all of a sudden. She creased her forehead in dismay.

"What do you care?" She hissed. "To you, I am common street trash that would open my door to anyone willing to pay me a good sum." Her hands were gripping the seat as she fumed.

He instantly wanted to take it all back. Take back the words he said to her on the balcony, every comment he had ever thrown her way to demean her, every snide remark whispered just loud enough to make sure she heard. He hated to think that this was the only way he could save her from him. At a loss for words, he briefly considered jumping off the moving train. He opened and closed his mouth, not allowing himself to apologize, but unable to hurl his abuse at her. He felt his face go red in both frustration and embarrassment at being so lousy. She took this as a win for her, and sat back, done talking to him. And then she pulled out the book

"You brought the book!" He exclaimed, happier than he had been this entire time. There had to be some sort of hope left if she was capable of listening to his ridiculous poetry and book suggestions.

"Yes, any book would be better than listening to your sniveling comments."

He didn't care though. She had brought his book, and that meant that he was not lost to her completely.

For the rest of the ride, Will pretended to be asleep next to her while she read. He kept his hat over his eyes but it was thin enough to where he could see her and the words on the book, but she couldn't see if he was awake or not. Watching her read was entertaining. It interested her more than any train could. She would gasp as if she were watching a play, or laugh and cover her mouth was her gloved hand. Sometimes she would stop reading because that chapter had been so riveting she needed time to compose herself before she went on. Will had never seen anything like it before. It was work to get her to get flustered, but a simple book could bring out her every emotion. Will could faintly make out the words on the page through the fabric of his hat, and saw that she was currently on a kissing scene. He looked to Tessa for a reaction and he got more than he expected. She was biting her lip and blushing, but most of all, she had glanced over at him. He tenses up at the implication. Did the kissing scene make her think of him? He had been her first kiss, so was she destined to think about him every time she read of a kiss? Was he a comparison to the characters she was reading about? He thought back to the time, being delirious with vampire blood and then delirious with the feel of her. He had dreamt about it almost every night since, those being the worst dreams to wake up alone to. He always felt so secure in her arms when he dreamt of her. To think that she could love him, would want to touch him, had been such a utopia that he always woke up with the shaming knowledge that he ruined the happiest experience of his life. He had found someone who was capable of understanding him, of standing along side him in the turmoil of a shadow hunter's life, and he had to deny it of both of them. Sexual frustration didn't even begin to describe how he felt when he thought of that attic.

The scene being over with, they both calmed themselves down considerably. Her flush was gone along with the biting of her lip, but that didn't mean he didn't still want to bite it himself. His hand clenched with the thought, and Tessa noticed, looking to him again. He played it off as a stretch and pretended to be waking from a long slumber.

"How long was I out?"

"About 10 chapters worth, however long that is." He grinned at her way of keeping track of time.

"We should be pulling up soon. There's a tavern near the station that I've been dying to go to. They say they can get you so drunk you don't even remember that you drank anything in the first place," he said, knowing she would be put off.

"Is that the point? To forget everything? If so, all drinkers must be quite depressing to be around." She claimed, knowing nothing of the sort.

"I wouldn't say that! After they forget everything, they are more fun than anyone else! No worries or cares allows a man to be free to do whatever, be whatever, and say whatever he wants. That usually leads to adventure and a story to tell in the morning."

"But wouldn't you not be able to tell a story if you don't remember anything?" She asked, again being far too practical about the whole thing.

"It's more of details forgotten than the experience in itself. I can forget sleeping with the maiden, but I can feel the evidence enough when I wake up to tell of my endeavors." He chose his words wisely.

"So it's all just speculation, is it? Not remembering if you had a good time, but making up your own story to sound as if you were happy for that moment, yet you can't remember a single thing." Was she trying to be nasty, or was she simply being as curious as ever?

"You can remember flashes of entertainment, like a picture being in your head, but nothing else. The alcohol allows you to create an entire story off of just a few pictures, and that's the real fun." He said, not believing a word coming out of his mouth as he had only ever been drunk once, and thrown up everything almost instantly.

"What are you trying to forget, Will?" She pondered to him. He almost flinched under the direct question. Why would she want to know that after he called her such an awful thing, after just then claiming to sleep with girls and forgetting about it instantly?

"Isn't there anything you want to forget, Tessa? Or is your life really so perfect to the point of ecstasy at every moment?" He felt dirty. He knew how awful her life was becoming while with them, but he couldn't act like he understood, even though he remembered finding out he was a shadow hunter, going to the same institute with nothing but an idea of what's to come. He empathized with her more than anyone, and yet he couldn't comfort her as he wanted to- couldn't be comforted by her either.

"Only a coward would drink to forget the harshness of ones life. What is left in a person if they only have fantasies of a beautiful life and not an actual one? Every waking moment must be a horror until they get to nurse their alcohol like a baby and a bottle. There is no life for someone who doesn't live it." She asserted with surprising venom. He couldn't stop himself from acting out for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He grabbed her hand tightly in his and pulled her to where they were facing each other, knees touching and heads bending towards one another. His harsh exhale was sure to reach her face, but he couldn't calm his reaction.

"What do you want, Tess? Why can't you just leave me alone? I am constantly so rude to you, and yet you don't seem to notice. Do you like the abuse? Do you like the way I demean everyone around me? What does that say about you?"

People were staring at them, but Tessa didn't seem to notice. She stared into his eyes with what looked like... pity? He felt sick.

"It says that you obviously do this on purpose. You don't go out drinking, but you tell us that you do. You walk around with nothing to do but think. Then you walk back to us and say you are drunk and hungover and smitten with some girl, when all you do is wander around the streets alone. What does that say about you?"

Panic gripped his heart as hard as he gripped her hand. How did she know? Had she followed him? Had she been there when he cries out his sisters name into the night sky when he thought he was alone? When he whispered Tessa's name in desperation? He leaned closer, as if he had to hide this secret from the other passengers as well.

"How do you know this?" He grumbled, low.

"Jem told me." Was all she said, but it was enough to scare him even more. Why had he never said anything?

"He's never mentioned it to me before." Was all he could muster.

"Of course he hasn't, you idiot. He knows that you are trying to act as if you are sinful and wrong to us, and he doesn't want to ruin what you are doing. He loves you so much, and you have no idea how many of your secrets he has kept for you. But he did tell me of your lying to us, and that you've never once gone through with what you've done. So why lie, Will? Why pretend to be awful when you aren't? Why throw insults at us and pretend to be a wreck when you could be so much more?"

What was happening to him? Everything seemed to be crumbling away. These accusations, these truths being unfolded without his control. Did anyone else know? Was he killing someone without knowing all because he couldn't keep a secret correctly? He shuddered at the thought, losing his control. He couldn't fight anymore.

He dropped his forehead on her shoulder, reveling in the feeling of touching her even if it was small and short lived.

"I can't do this anymore Tess. I try and nothing seems to work. Both directions are wrong, and I can't go in either of them. What am I to do? What am I to do?" He squeezed his eyes shut and moved with the rhythm of her shoulders as she breathed. She tentatively put an arm around him, her hand at the back of his neck, petting the small amount of hair there. He involuntarily moved his face into her neck and inhaled, nuzzling and wanting to be closer.

"What is it that you can't do, William?" She asked with fear in her voice. She was probably terrified at how pathetic he was. He was terrified at how much he needed her now. Someone knew he wasn't as bad as he claimed, and it was her. The brightest point in his dark life.

He felt safe in her embrace now, almost as safe as he had in the attic before he realized his mistake. So when the train stopped and everyone was told to exit, he stayed with her there. Everyone bustled around them, giving them nervous glances, but he could care less. Tessa was gracious and didn't mutter a single warning to leave. He couldn't imagine what the pain would be like to get up then. But as they were the last ones on board, the conductor came back to them and asked them to leave. Will's fingers tightened on Tess's waist as he contemplated staying there forever, and her breath hitched. She took his hands from her waist and held them in her hands.

"We have to go now, Will," she whispered carefully, as if volume could break him apart. He nodded and didn't let go of her hand until they were out of the train. How he was to deal with another two days of her presence, he didn't know.