Author's Note: This story was written during the season hiatus and could be a stand alone or may be continued. It is slightly AU after the first season.
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Feldt wasn't sure what had first drawn her to him. She was retiring by nature, hesitant to open up to those around her. The 'don't ask, don't tell' policy of Celestial Being with its codenames and secrets was more of a comfort than a burden to her as it allowed her to have an excuse for not sharing herself with the others. But there was something about Lockon Stratos that had drawn her in.
Maybe it was his smile, or his determination, his honesty, his kindness, his strength. But there was something about him that made her desperate to know more and to share more of herself with him. He was the father, brother, and lover that she had never had, and like those nonexistent persons, he was all and none of those things to her.
They had lived in very close quarters together, with the rest of the Ptolemaios crew, all sharing the same goals and ideals, all committed to the same mission and organization, but Feldt had never felt a connection or even a desire for a connection with any of the others the way she had with Lockon. And yet, Feldt had known that she would never truly know Lockon, that he would never truly know her and that they would remain impersonal comrades rather than anything closer.
But then he had found her crying. She had been embarrassed, as it did not befit someone dedicated to the goals and ideals of Aeoila Schenburg to be found doing something as childish or selfish as crying over one's parents. But the opportunity she had never thought to have was there, and she found herself opening up. For the first time in her life she let another person in and shared herself with Lockon. And in return, he shared the gift of his name and childhood.
Feldt treasured the secret knowledge Lockon had shared with her. Although he was forever Lockon Stratos to her, she was honored that she was one of the privileged few to know that he was once 'Neil Dylandy.'
Once Feldt had shared herself with Lockon and discovered the quiet joys to be found in human companionship, she found herself wanting to know more. Wanting to know more about Lockon, certainly, but also wanting to know more about the others who lived in the artificial world of Ptolemaios, who fought, and sacrificed all for Celestial Being. Feldt knew and understood her own reasons for her commitment to Celestial Being. As she had told Lockon, her parents had died for Celestial Being. And Feldt, herself had been born for Celestial Being.
Feldt was certain that none of the others, save possibly Tieria, had realized that she was in many ways less human than the rest of them. Tieria, of course, would have noticed, would have recognized the qualities of 'otherness' in her that she recognized in him. After all, no natural human had pink hair, just as no natural human had purple hair and red eyes. But none of the others had ever questioned her appearance or her presence despite the fact that a pink-haired fourteen-year old certainly did not fit the mold of a normal engineer.
Feldt suspected that Lockon somehow knew more that he was letting on. He never questioned her, but he also never questioned her attachment to Haro, who sometimes seemed more akin to her than the natural humans on board. Yet even though Lockon's kindly smile sometimes seemed knowing, and Feldt was sometimes tempted to tell him everything, to share all of her secrets with the one person she was sure that she could trust, she had always stayed silent, and the opportunity to speak had always been lost.
When Lockon had died, Feldt had known that she had lost someone and something vitally important. She had wept for the loss of him, and known that she was selfish. She had written to tell him that she was going to live, and known that she was selfish. And she had lived and been selfish.
So many had died in those days and hours before the loss of the Ptolemaios. Feldt had cried for the loss of Christina and Lichty and Lasse and mourned the disappearance and probable death of Setsuna, Allelujah, and Tieria. But Feldt had wept the most for Lockon and for herself. The loss of Lockon meant more than the loss of a truly good and kind human being. It represented the loss of so many opportunities gone and doors closed, and it meant the loss of the one person that had tempted Feldt to give of herself and her heart.
In the aftermath of everything, Feldt had insisted that she be allowed to do something for Lockon. Sumeragi and Ian, disheartened and grieving, hadn't had the heart to deny her when she told them her plan. The name 'Neil Dylandy' and the deaths of his parents and sister in a terrorist attack had been enough information to lead her to a graveyard in Ireland. There she insisted that a fourth headstone be placed beside the other three bearing two names: Neil Dylandy and Lockon Stratos.
Four Years Later
By the time Feldt was eighteen, Lockon's headstone had become a place she visited when she wanted to unburden herself. Usually accompanied by Haro, Feldt would visit regularly, undisturbed and otherwise alone. Although she knew that the grave held nothing of Lockon but his name, she talked to him there, telling him of her life, her plans and her dreams. Even in death Lockon was the person Feldt felt the most closely connected to. And finally, in death she was able to tell him all of her secrets.
It was a quiet day. For once the skies were clear and blue. The upcoming start of new missions and re-launch of Celestial Being had made it difficult for Feldt to get away, but she had begged Sumeragi, and Sumeragi had let her go.
Feldt had told Lockon of the plans that Celestial Being had for the upcoming weeks and months, and now was content to sit in the sunshine with Haro and with the memory of Lockon.
"Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon…." Chirped Haro suddenly breaking the peace. "…Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon, Lockon…."
"You need to stop that Haro" said Feldt gently turning to Haro and freezing in shock. Below her and Haro, on the path leading up to the graves, was Lockon studying them both curiously.
Feldt wasn't conscious of moving, but suddenly she was on her feet, her heart in her throat. Thoughts raced through her mind, "they had never found his body, she had always secretly hoped…" "Lockon…" she whispered, unable to say more. But even as she said his name she knew there was something wrong. He was just standing there looking at them, he didn't recognize them. And she knew with a terrible certainty that even if the man below was 'Neil' he was not and never would be Lockon.
The man who looked like Lockon, but was not Lockon, smiled as Haro approached him bouncing around his legs happily "Lockon, Lockon" called the little robot.
The man's smile at Haro, so familiar and so deeply missed, sent a knife of pain through Feldt's heart. "Hey little guy" he said to Haro and then smiled up at Felt. "Do I know you?" he asked the pink-haired girl, his smile fading as he saw her frozen expression.
"No" replied Feldt with no expression, walking towards him and catching Haro mid-bounce. He was so familiar. He looked the same, moved the same, but in a fundamental way he was different. "Stop it Haro" she said firmly turning to leave, and starting down the path that would lead out of the graveyard and away from the past.
"Wait" called the man. "Those are my family's graves. Did you know them? Do I know you? Please don't leave."
Feldt didn't stop. Couldn't stop. She found herself waking faster. She was oblivious to whether he had followed her or not, but all she could think of was escape from the physical reminder of what she had lost. Maybe the man she left behind was Neil Dylandy, maybe it was someone else, but she knew it was not Lockon, and she didn't want to know any more than that.
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