So I've been thinking of writing this for a while, but it felt a little cliche so I put it off for quite some time, however it was always in the back of my mind and so now here it is. It may be a one-shot or I may to an update set a little ways in the future, let me know if you'd be interested in that after reading. Enjoy.
Hush Little Baby
With trembling fingers Spencer places her hands across the plane of her stomach. She feels the tell-tale signs of tears in the corners of her eyes. She blinks them back hard, trying to calm herself. This cannot be happening.
She closes her eyes and counts to 10, hoping that maybe it's all a bad dream. But when she opens them again she's still standing in front of the bathroom mirror, her gaze moves from her own face in the refection to the small stick on the counter with it's bright blue plus sign.
This time tears do fall.
The next few weeks pass in a haze, she goes through the motions but her mind is preoccupied. She has no idea what to do. Her friends, in their own A-induced, panicked states don't seem to notice her disconnect. Probably for the best.
Every time she sees Caleb she feels like throwing up. And she does a few times, but she isn't sure if it's because of him, or if it's the morning sickness setting in.
She doesn't know how she's going to tell him, doesn't even know if she wants to, or if she wants to keep the baby.
She decides it's not worth telling him just yet, especially with everything still going on with A.
A few more weeks pass and still she says nothing, keeping this secret completely to herself. She's not sure if she's doing it to protect herself, her baby or if she is doing it in hopes that not talking about it will make it go away.
Of course it doesn't.
She's around two and a half months along from what she can tell, and at this point she has to make a decision.
As far as she can see she has three clear options, abort now, have the baby and give it up, or have the baby and keep it. For all scenarios the outlook seems bleak.
She's never been a proponent of abortion, expect in rare circumstances, this baby is a life after all. When she'd thought she'd been pregnant in college, it had been a real and viable option to her scared and panicked self, now it doesn't seem like much of one at all.
Knowing she probably isn't the best suited to motherhood, she wonders if adoption is best, but what about Caleb? What if her baby doesn't have a good home, what if A finds out and does something unthinkable?
Of course the same can be said for the option of keeping the baby. A is still out there, still threatening, and Spencer knows that it's a real threat to her child's life. Deep in her heart she also doubts whether she'll be able to take care of a child, doubts that she's capable of that kind of love…. but then again, she can't shake the image in the back of her head, her holding a tiny bundle in her arms, cooing softly.
One afternoon she sees a lady pushing a baby carriage down the side walk, she watches the woman as she stops in front of a shop and reaches into the carriage to take the baby out. From where she's at across the street she can see a baby with dark curls waving fat fists and giggling as his mother holds him in her arms and enters the shop.
The scene brings tears to her eyes.
It's in that moment that she realises, she's made up her mind.
She's keeping this baby. No matter what.
Two weeks later she sets herself up a doctor's appointment in Philadelphia, figuring it's better not to do it in Rosewood where there are too many prying eyes.
Dr. Harper tells her she a little father along than she'd thought, just over four months and in her second trimester. She's a kindly woman in her mid 40's that doesn't pry too much after she asks if the father knows, and Spencer tells her that he doesn't.
She takes an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay, and thankfully it is. Spencer cries when she hears her baby's heartbeat for the first time.
Before she leaves the hospital Dr. Harper gives her some pre-natal vitamins and two copies of the ultrasound 'Just in case she decides to tell the father.'
Spencer can't think of anything else on the way back to Rosewood.
She has to tell Caleb, has to be prepared for any reaction he might have now that they are no longer together. It breaks her heart, she desperately wishes things would've worked out with them, and not just because of the baby, but because she still loves him more than she'll ever let anyone know. It's not fair to him or to Hanna, so she keeps silent. She'd rather hurt and be miserable than stand in the way of their relationship, when it's clear Caleb had never loved her, not in any really meaningful way.
She texts Caleb that week, asking if they can meet, because she has something to tell him. He agrees.
Carefully she takes the ultrasound photo from the locked drawer beside her bed and tucks it into the pocket of her jacket. She's taken to wearing sweaters and jackets lately, even though the weather doesn't really call for it, but it helps conceal the small bump that is now visible.
Twenty minutes later she's sitting at a table in the brew nervously drumming her fingers on the table.
He arrives shortly after and grabs a coffee sitting down across from her.
"Hey, thanks for meeting me," she says, trying to keep her tone even.
"No problem Spenc. Is this about A? Are you okay?" He furrows his brows at her, she must have a worried expression written all over her face.
"No, for once it's not A, I just, I needed to tell you something…"
He cuts her off before she can go on.
"Oh good, I'm glad it's not A you had me a little worried! I am glad you asked me to meet you though I have something I'd like to tell you as well."
Immediately Spencer feels her heart drop, but she tries to keep her face impassive.
"Why don't you go first then," she says, forcing a smile.
He returns the smile a little sheepishly.
"I just I wanted to tell you in person before you heard from someone else… Hanna and I are back together."
Her heart sinks even further, there's no way she can tell him now. Plastering a smile on her face she replies with what she hopes is a genuine sounding congratulations.
Spencer can see how happy he is, and she's glad he's happy, but even though she knew this was going to happen, she's dies a little bit inside.
"I just want to say thank you, and I'm so sorry for everything, I never meant for this to get so complicated."
She just shrugs at him, not trusting her voice at the moment. Rapidly she blinks a few times to hold in tears that are threatening to spill and hastily takes a sip of her tea trying to buy herself time.
Caleb doesn't seem to notice anything.
When she sets her cup down he asks, "So what did you want to tell me?"
Thinking quickly she strings together a lie.
"Well I just wanted you to know that I'm leaving Rosewood. I uh, I got a job, and I just can't pass it up. Have to take it."
He stares at her, open mouthed.
"You're leaving? What about A? What about the others?"
"Well I can still help with things, over the phone and computer, It's not like I'm abandoning them, I just need to get away from Rosewood for a while. The job is temporary for now so I should be back in no time."
He gives her a skeptical look and she knows him well enough to know that he doesn't completely believe her. She scrambles for something else to say.
"Look Caleb, you don't have to understand or even like it. But I have to leave. And I just wanted you to know, but I can see I wasted my time, so I'll uh, I'll see you around."
She hastily stands up, nearly knocking her tea cup over, before turning on her heels and almost running out of the brew as she desperately tries to hide the tears falling down her checks. Caleb stares after her, completely dumbstruck.
By the time Spencer pulls into the driveway she's made up her mind, what she told Caleb will have to be the story she tells everyone, will have to be her reality, she has to leave now. She can't tell him the truth and destroy his newfound happiness, so she can't let anyone know, she has to leave.
Of course Caleb tells Hanna, who tell Aria, who tells Emily, who tells Ali. It takes less than 24 hours before they are pounding on Spencer's door demanding she tell them what's going on.
She hurriedly throws on an oversized hoodie and steals herself before opening the door.
They come barging in with a million questions and accusations, but she doesn't say anything and sits down on a bar stool feeling exhausted.
After several minutes they fall silent, realising that Spencer hasn't said a word, they all look at her.
"Are you done?" She asks in a clipped tone.
They nod.
"I know you're all upset and confused, but I'm sorry, I have to do this. I can't stay in Rosewood right now. I have my reasons, I'm really sorry but this is my final decision."
Both Hanna and Emily start to protest, but she seems an understanding look in Ali's eyes.
"Don't bother trying to talk me out of it, I've made up my mind. And I'll take whatever the consequenses are okay. Now please, I'm not feeling very well and I'd like to rest, please leave."
With much arguing they do so. As she ushers them out the door she sees something in Aria's face that stops her in her tracks. She looks so broken, having already said goodbye to Ezra she knows her friend is hurting at the prospect of losing someone else.
In that moment she makes an impromptu decision, because maybe she doesn't have to do this completely alone.
Grabbing her phone off of the table she texts Aria who's just getting into Emily's car.
Come back later, just you. Don't tell the others. -S
Several hours later there's another knock at Spencer's door, she knows it's Aria just by the way she knocks.
"Come in Ar, in the living room."
Aria opens the door and steps inside, takes off her boots and tosses her keys on the counter before making her way into the living room.
She takes a seat next to Spencer on the sofa and looks at her friend for long while.
Spencer stares back a little unsure how to start, she clears her throat.
"Umm I have something to tell you, but you have to absolutely swear not to tell anyone else. I know secrets tend to cause trouble, but I have no other choice, not this time. Can you do that, can you keep my secret?"
"You know I will Spenc, you can tell me anything."
Spencer nods at her, "I could tell you, but it might be better to show you, come into the bedroom with me?"
Aria gives her a questioning look but follows all the same.
The room is a mess, not up to Spencer's usual standards, she has half packed suitcases on the bed, clothes strewn about. She's covered the window with a double layer of black poster-board, and two fans are going making the room rather noisy. Spencer shuts the door behind them and pulls off her hoodie.
Aria gives her a startled look until her eyes land on Spencer's belly.
Her eyes go wide and Spencer moves closer reaching out to take Aria's hand before placing it on her own growing belly.
Her petite friend gently rubs the bump, staring at it before meeting Spencer's eyes. She suddenly understands everything. Spencer's sudden need to leave Rosewood, the secrecy, the state of the bedroom.
Wordlessly she pulls Spencer into an embrace.
They stay there for a while, but when Spencer pulls away there are tears in her eyes.
"I don't want to leave everyone Aria, but I have to. I have to keep this baby a secret, keep it from A… and from…"
She trails off and doesn't need to say more because Aria gets what she's about to say.
"Is it..?"
Spencer just nods.
"And you didn't tell him?"
She shakes her head.
"I can't tell him, not when he's so happy with Hanna, I can't ruin that for him. You're the only person I've told and I want to keep it that way."
Aria sighs, her heart aches for her friend, but she gets it.
She just pulls Spencer into her arms again and doesn't let go for a long time.
It takes another week for Spencer to get her stuff packed up and arrangements made. She takes all of the money from both her savings account and her checking account and stashes it in her purse, knowing she'll need it when she arrives at her destination.
Aria takes her to the airport, and she can't stop herself from crying as she hugs Spencer, then rubs her friend's belly before watching her walk away with a promise to keep in touch.
Spencer doesn't say goodbye to anyone else.
Before she gets on the plane however she writes her parents an email saying she's going away for a while and not to worry and that she'll be fine. With all of her mother's new responsibility as senator, and her father busy helping her out, she doesn't think they'll even notice, but just in case.
She takes extra caution to discard the phone at the airport, and to make it look like she's taking a flight out of the country. Just in case A is on her trail.
Her first week in Oregon is pretty good. She manages to rent a semi-furnished, tiny, two-bedroom house with some of the cash she'd taken out of her savings, and she buys a few more things at a cute second hand store down the way.
She's staying in a town just a little ways outside of Portland, it's got a population a little bigger than the size of Rosewood, and she loves it's quaint feel and proximity to the ocean. Loves that it isn't tainted by A or the memories of her past life that haunt her everyday.
She also makes an appointment with the new doctor that Dr. Harper has referred her too, and even manages to get a job working at the front desk of a nearby hotel.
After her first day on the job she writes Aria a letter, telling her all is okay.
Three weeks into her new life in Oregon she buys herself a 1996 blue VW bug. It's old and a little beat up but she loves it all the same, it feels like it suits her new life. After that she decides it's time to get a new driver's license with the new name she's now going by. Figuring she can't be too careful.
The new ID comes in a week later.
It reads Jillian Marie Spencer.
She can't help chuckling at her own creativity, it was a way for her to keep her own name, without exactly being Spencer Hastings anymore, and using Aria's middle name had been a last minute idea when she'd applied for the name change just after leaving Rosewood, it gave her a sense that Aria was always with her.
The next day she sends Aria another letter, she doesn't put a return address on it, just simply writes her new initials in the corner on the envelope.
After dropping the letter at the post office she stops into the cute little second hand store in town and buys the first thing for her baby. A vintage wooden crib.
Another few weeks pass and she's approaching 8 months along. Her belly is huge now and she can feel the baby moving and kicking. It make her heart ache. In the beginning she never thought she'd be able to love this baby the way it deserved, but she already knows it's not true. She loves this baby more than anything in the world, more than life itself.
According to the doctor everything is going smoothly and both she and the baby are completely healthy.
Several times the doctor asks if she wants to know the sex of her baby. But she declines, deciding it will be a fun surprise.
Over the next week she starts collecting baby things, a stroller and a carseat, a few baby onesies in greens and yellows. She's also got a small stock of diapers, blankets, toys, books and bottles. It's not much, but to her it feels like everything.
She doesn't know many people in town still, just a few ladies from work and the kindly older lady, Ethel, who lives next door. She prefers to keep mostly to herself.
However when Ethel stops by with a plate of cookies asking if there is anything she can do, Spencer asks if she'd like to help decorate the baby's nursery.
She and Ethel spend two days fixing up the tiny little room, and talking about life. Ethel tells Spencer about her own kids, and her grandkids, who apparently don't visit much. Spencer tells Ethel that she'd moved to town after she'd found out that her baby's father was moving on with someone else.
Ethel doesn't pry too much and she's excellent company. Spencer thinks that next to Aria, Ethel might be become her best friend in the world.
They share meals sometimes, or will just sit and talk on the porch, it feels nice, peaceful and content, something Spencer hasn't had in a long time.
A week before her due date Ethel brings her over a large gift basket with assorted baby items, it's the only present she's received for the baby, and she can't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks. Ethel just smiles at her kindly and hugs her in a way her own Nana cannot anymore.
Five days before she's due she sends Aria a letter asking if there is anyway she can come for the baby's birth. Spencer knows it's a bad idea with A still lurking in Rosewood, but she desperately wants Aria here with her.
She cries as she drops the letter in the mail slot, but these days it doesn't take much for her to cry, it's all the pregnancy hormones.
Later that day she confides to Ethel that she's asked her best friend to come, but that she doesn't think she'll come and that she'll end up being alone for the birth.
Ethel hugs her and promises that everything will be okay.
Spencer goes into labor 2 days before her scheduled due date and Ethel drives her to the nearest hospital, which is in Portland.
The older woman holds her hand and tells her to breath as the nurse wheels her to the delivery room. Ethel kisses her forehead and tells her she'll do great. Spencer gives her friend a watery smile before vanishing into the delivery room.
Twenty-seven hours later, Nickolas James is born at 1:14am, weighing 6lbs 12oz and measuring 21 1/2 inches long.
Spencer is exhausted, her sweaty hair plastered to her face, her body aching, but when the doctor places Nickolas in her arms and she sees his perfect tiny face for the first time, her world stops.
Half an hour later when she's been moved out of the delivery room and into a nursery room, Ethel knocks on the door.
Spencer beckons her in with a smile as her elderly friend holds out a bunch of blue balloons and a stuffed teddy bear.
She feels her heart expand even more, she can't believe how lucky she really is. She gazes down and stares into Nicky's dark eyes and for one moment is gripped by sadness, despite her euphoria only moments before. It's as she passes Nicky into Ethel's arms that she realises her son's eyes are precisely the same shape and colour as his father's.
Ethel watches over Nicky as Spencer catches a few hours rest before she has to feed him again. And she is more grateful than she can say. But Ethel just waves away her thanks and says she's more than happy to do it. They come to a silent understanding that Ethel will be like a grandmother to Nicky, after all Spencer knows better than anyone that blood doesn't always make a family.
They leave the hospital 48 hours after Nicky is born. And Spencer is more than happy to be back in her own home. Ethel helps her get settled in and heads home to rest leaving the new mom alone with her son.
From what she can tell so far he seems to be a pretty easy baby. He doesn't cry much, mostly when he's hungry and seems to sleep relatively easily.
Spencer dozes on and off as she sits in the rocking chair next to the crib, her mind still not completely able to wrap around the fact that she has a son. She can't believe this is her life now, can't believe after everything that here she is, in a house she's paying for, with a job and a car and a baby, she's done it, managed all by herself. Well mostly by herself, because in truth she doesn't know if she'd have been able to without Ethel's help.
Just as she's falling off to sleep again she hears a soft knock at the door. She jolts awake quickly, jumping up. She peers down into the crib and sees that Nicky is still asleep.
Smiling she makes her way to the front door, and swings it open easily expecting to find Ethel standing there.
But it isn't Ethel standing on her doorstep.
Her mouth falls open as she stares into Aria's face, she's frozen for several moments before she's wrapping her arms around her friend.
Aria stays for almost a week, and it's amazing having her there. She smiles every time she sees her friend holding her son.
She finds out that Ethel messaged Aria through facebook after Spencer had told her she didn't think her friend would be coming. They exchanged phone numbers and Ethel called Aria from the hospital, and Aria had set up the next available flight.
During Aria's stay she told Spencer everything that had been going on in Rosewood. Apparently Noel Kahn and Jenna Marshall had both been arrested when police found evidence of their involvement with Charlotte's and Sara's murders. She also explains that A had seemed to vanish after the arrests.
The police had determined that Archer Dunhill had skipped town and gone to another country. Emily and Alison had started dating and she and Ezra had moved to Boston, after he'd returned from South America, devastated to learn that Nicole was really gone after all.
Aria carefully avoided mentioning Caleb or Hanna, and Spencer was glad she really had no desire to hear about their life together.
The night before Aria leaves she cooks dinner for herself, Spencer and Ethel, all the while refusing to put her godson down, even for a second.
Their goodbye next day is tearful, but Aria promises they'll be able to keep better contact now that A has seemed to vanish again. Spencer hugs her tightly and shoves a stack of photos into Aria's hand that she'd had printed that morning.
Aria kisses Nicky and waved to Ethel before heading into the airport.
The next two months pass in a blur of diapers and bottles and late night work shifts. But Spencer can't help but love every minute of it. She finds that she's relatively good at being a mom, and is even pretty good at juggling it with working full time.
Of course Ethel helps a lot. She's always willing to watch Nicky while Spencer's at work, and dotes on him as if he were her flesh and blood grandson.
She keeps in touch with Aria and talks to her over the phone often, and sends her pictures of Nicky nearly every day.
Things in her life seem to be coming into place, and even though she still has the occasional bout of sadness when she looks at her son and see Caleb's eyes staring back at her. She knows in her heart that she's made the right decision keeping him. And she'll be damned if she won't do everything in her power to give Nicky absolutely everything in life. She swears to be enough so that he will never miss not having a dad.
Because more than anything she loves that baby boy and can't imagine life without him. Can't fathom the idea of her life as being anything else but this. Just a simple, quiet life with her son in a sleepy little town by the sea. Although she knows in her heart it won't last forever, she'll have to face her parents someday soon, and maybe even her other friends one day, but for now she's content to just be.
And as she rocks her son to sleep that night she kisses his forehead and begins to hum Hush Little Baby.
In minutes he's asleep and she too begins to drift off, for once, truly thankful for the life she's been given.