Title: My Last Breath
Author: FireBringer
Pairings: Kyo/Tohru
Genre: Tragedy/Romance/song fic
Summery: One-shot. Describing a time when all dreams come to an end, when secrets are taken to the grave, and 2 hearts that stretch beyond the sky. It's something to fall in love with.
Hold on to me love,
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?
At the end, they'd all say that it happened so fast. That one minute she was smiling and laughing and the next…gone. In truth, nothing happens that quickly. It had been growing inside her for a long time, an evil vermin that slowly sucked the life from her smile, the light from her eyes, the warmth from her kiss.
Why didn't they realise it sooner? Why didn't they see through her masks? Why couldn't they, the closest to her, have torn the seams of her façade? It never occurred to them that her fevers were suddenly becoming more common, her colds more extreme, her faints longer in the oblivion…
He, most of all, should have known. He who had known her as if she were simply another part of him. They were two pieces of the puzzle, and he should have known. Should have known, damn it!
He had…seen something. Once. A long time ago. He'd noticed the weariness of her movements, the trembling of her hands as she pressed a cloth to her mouth and coughed, her slender body shuddering with every gasped breath. He'd worried, told her to rest, to leave it…but then, she was always so passionate. Tasted of sugar and lemons and soft caresses under a crisp blanket of snow white. So lovely…
Afterwards, she would curl by his side, head nestled perfectly under his chin, arm clutching around his hips as if he were her link to the earth. As if, if she let go, she would drift away and be apart of the stars once more, a supernatural being. So beautiful, so soft and loving, His. All His.
He'd never given that weakening grasp any thought before. Never wondered why she seemed so strong in the day, but then so…frail. So broken, just for that little while in his arms. So lost.
He'd been tempted, once or twice, to ask her what was working in that little mind of hers. Ask her why. Simply why. But he was no good with words, only actions. Yuki was the one with the words and the compliments and the poetry. And so he just held her a little tighter, kissed her a little bit more, tried to relay to her through touch how much she meant to him. How much he needed her.
He used to think that if she didn't know that, then she'd leave. To him, she'd always been untouchable. Untainted. Just a being of utter perfection. To him, she defined the meaning of love.
The meaning of life.
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
He guessed…you could call them lovers. Yeah, that's right. Lovers. There were no words, no declarations of adoration or commitment. Just bodies and hands and mouths and soft tongues and even softer caresses and moans, always the moans…
Oh, Kyo…It had never been just about bodies though. Not just about release from the world, or freedom to feel. It was about each other and the need and the want and the brief reprieve from the zodiac. Overall, it had been theirs. Something for them to share and love and keep, held close in their hearts, a well-kept secret of golden bows and silver paper.
He had loved her, though. Never spoken, always twisted on his tongue until they burned and burned, begging for release but…he didn't do 'mushy moments'.
He wished now that he had.
I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
To everyone, she'd been the cleansing rain, washing away dirt and tainted emotions, tainted memories. She'd wished for sunshine on them all, and only the purest sun could come after her rain. She'd loved them, given even Akito something to live for, had found a way to free the zodiac from their human counterparts…but at a price.
It seemed so cliché, thinking about it. Of course, everything came at a price nowadays. Everything. Even something so simple as normality had a price higher than anyone could expect.
He'd never found out how she managed it. When he'd asked, in that last moment that should have been spent loving her not shouting, she'd only smiled. Mysterious and happy, loving that it had worked, even as she left thinking of them and not her own pain. The others – Yuki, Momiji, even Hiro – had wanted to continue looking. Searching. Maybe there was someway to reverse it? Bring her back? They needed her. Wanted her. Loved her. She couldn't just be gone, as if snow melted over night. It wasn't fair, they wailed. Not…not just.
But he did not follow. He let her keep her secrets.
She deserved them.
He remembered her eyes, bright blue contrasting so badly with his red, so grey when sad, ocean green when thoughtful. He remembered her hands, her touch, feathery kisses that sent shivers down to the tips of his toes. They felt almost like dreams, wishes that swept across his skin and spun up into the sky: wish granted. He remembered her hair, a curtain of spilt ink, midnight blue in bright sunlight, spilling over his chest, his legs, his arms, slipping through his hands like water. Cascading down her back and rustling against that soft, milky skin.
He remembered her smile, so soft and knowing as Hatori stared out the window and coldly told us that she was dieing. Her hands as they took his quietly and extinguished his flame of anger with a single breath. Her acceptance that only made their indignation and horror more severe.
He remembered…the Members faces as they took in the truth. Their blank, bewildered features. Their wide eyes. Surely this must be a joke? Shigure, really, this isn't funny. Shigure, stop it. Stop it! Kyo, Yuki, its not true right? Right?! Akito's silent anger, so much more fierce than his violence, his demand to see her. His screams and raised hands. Her kiss.
It all seemed so long ago. So…so long ago…
A lifetime. An eternity in which he should be with her. In which he should have been free to love her.
Oh, Kyo…
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
That day…had been so ordinary. School, but skipping just to stay with her, to hold her and ardently plead for her strength to come back. Silent tears as her grip loosened, as she fell, small body trembling violently, head thrown back and a single hoarse gasp filled the silence. His scream for help – but no one was in – his curses at the world – but she was still in his arms – his frantic pleading – but she didn't reply – his furious sobs – all alone – no, its gonna be ok, you'll be fine, come back, don't leave, I need you, I love you, don't you dare leave, Tohru, come back, no, no, no, please, Tohru, please…!
The echoes of footsteps and yells, calls for him, calls for her, arms and begging hands – let go, Kyo, she's gone, let go now… - and then only the silence of After.
He'd always remember the blood, a line of it smudged down her cheek and onto his shirt, speckles, as if it were just paint. Just paint. He'd tried to wash it off, but the stain always seemed to be there. Haunting him. Watching him. A sick part of him wanted it that way, this last part of her that only he had rights to. But that was just sick, right? Just grief. It wore off after a while and the shirt disappeared, unable to allow eyes to see that dull brown, unable to cause anymore tears. And he let it disappear, because wasn't that what everything did? Even his memories of her were disappearing. He couldn't truly feel her touch anymore.
Fear always used to lead him to fighting. Fear would always force him to blame it on Yuki, to take it out on his enemy and remember how small he really was in comparison to the Rat. But this fear…this fear dug deep and festered. Turned him in on himself. He had always thought that if you wanted something, you fought for it. And that was what he did. He fought long and hard, made himself worthy, and in the end he got her. He really was important, treasured, loved.
But he had fought and lost, this time. Had fought, and the thing he had most cherished was taken away. Lost to oblivion, a place where he couldn't follow. And if things were taken away, then what was the point in fighting for them if you only lost them in the end? Why even live?
And slowly…slowly…he began to be lost a little bit too.
Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one's there
He'd never believed in love at first sight or soul mates or anything of the supernatural. For someone who belonged to a Family that changed into the animals of the Zodiac, he had a very practical way of thinking. But the night she came to him one last time…he began to believe again.
He suddenly remembered her touch more vividly than ever; her smile and eyes, her strength and voice and kisses and the honey sweetness that trickled down his throat from her tongue and filled him with light. He glowed, clutching at her, finally able to crush chest against chest and not transform. He remembered her laugh and her words and dreams and thoughts and needs and…and he remembered her moans most of all. That delicious caress of his name that intoxicated him.
For the first time since she'd left, he felt whole again. Stronger. Tougher. As if he could take on the world and win without breaking a sweat. He let the words and wishes mix with his touch, forming a lethal drug of need and want and love – I love you – and felt her whispered reply across her skin, her feather kisses, her smile, herself. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let go, happy that she was home, thankful that everything was back to normal…
He knew, of course. But even he had to live in a dream world sometimes. Had to let his most needed desires wash away the pain and anger nestling inside and once again be free. Truly free. He felt the tears trickle down his skin and onto hers, lent into her hands as she softly tried to brush them away. He felt her understanding.
Please, don't leave me.
Oh, Kyo…
And, strangely, that was all he needed.
Say goodnight
Don't be afraid
Calling me calling me as you fade to black
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight.
So. It's half past three at night and I'm beyond tired, but when you get that urge…I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. The sleepless nights with ideas burning in your mind and words that just beg to be written. I'm a huge K/T fan and – having just finished the first 4 volumes of the anime – I decided to add my part to the series. It isn't very well thought out, and it can be a bit of a struggle to get through even if it is short, but I'm proud of it. At least, my 'no-sleep' headache is proud of it.
Meh. Kyo is out of character slightly, I know, but hey. That's the way the mind works. If an idea unfolds, there's no stopping it.
Anyway, tell me what you think. Criticism is fine, just as long as there's a reason for it.
Later!