Viva la Millennial
~ For My Hunny ~
"Your father's an asshole and your mother doesn't know how much damage she does."
I know I am weak and I do worry if we really can make it...
I didn't want to resent them for not protecting me from HER, but now that I'm technically an "adult" and see how they really are? They can be downright rude, so hurtful, but then think it's all fine.
I want to feel settled here, I really do. But everytime I try, they point out how it's not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not yet where I should be in life at my age.
My paintings are childish, candles are useless, none of my interests are "life skills."
The guitar and chess is for boys.
I eat too much, or not enough – and still either way I am too picky or not discerning enough.
Everything I do is too slow. Everything I talk about gets to be too much.
Daddy doesn't like that I made some new jewelry for myself. The earrings came out perfect, but one of them fell off the post. "Of course, 'cause it's handmade!" I should buy "professionally made" ones. But what makes a professional? Do they never make mistakes? I still want to make my own, but I won't tell them. And if I make it even more perfect, maybe they won't notice!
I had a sleepover with some friends. We dragged another mattress, that wasn't being used, into my room, and moved mine to the floor. The mattresses stayed there a few more days after they left. I said I couldn't move them on my own, but really I could have. I just didn't have the heart to take it away; Figaro liked having his own giant bed. But then Daddy came in and found it there still, yelling things like it's not a rug. Perhaps I am becoming spoiled here, but is it really such a big deal?
Daddy even complains that my handkerchiefs are not silk. But why should I indulge in such unnecessary things when so many in this kingdom need all the financial help they can get? I don't feel right with such frivolous things. I don't need much...
Daddy doesn't think Eugene should have a job, but then calls him lazy and expects him to have money anyway. He seems to expect nothing from me...
I asked him a question as nicely as I could. He yelled at me. I just left. Mommy says I had a tone. I was nervous. I just won't ask any more questions. He later yelled at me because I didn't know how something worked. How am I even supposed to know? This is all new to me!
Daddy doesn't like my furniture. What he has altered, against my wishes, is fine. What I have altered, is wrong. He never listens to me anyway. I at least know I'll never be good enough...
Daddy doesn't like that I made him a Christmas present. I got a brand new glass cup, and painted little birds on the side. I still don't know why it made him so angry. Other people pay a lot of money for something like this. Mine is garbage.
Daddy's upset that my tutors say, while I excel in some areas, I need more time. "Elsa is good at math, too! But, she is 5 years younger than you and 3 levels ahead..." Well, good for her, but... thanks?
Daddy wants to lend support to one of those Southern Isles princes. But personally, I think the guy is positively prime evil! He scares me. He only ever insults people, he lies, and he's against peoples from basically every kingdom, even our own! He can't make anything "Great Again;" he's what's wrong in the first place! I'm afraid that man will only repeat history, like the Mad King or something. But what worries ME the most is his views on women, and how inappropriate he seems with his own daughter. Well, his face looks like a leper and his hair looks like a dead squirrel's tail! But that's just what I think; I can't say anything. Daddy says that anyone who doesn't like him is stupid and a loser...
One time, Eugene and I fell asleep reading in the library, until 5AM. We only woke up because 5AM is apparently when Daddy gets up – and found us. In our day clothes. In separate chairs. With a book open between us. We weren't even touching at all, and, as we'd fallen asleep unexpectedly, we didn't even kiss and hug good night as we normally do. Nonetheless, oh! The impropriety.
Mommy says I'm the one who needs to change. I thought I was finally able to live as who I truly am. But if they don't like who that is, then why do I need to change? I thought things were supposed to get better without Gothel. Did she ever have a capacity to love me? ...do they really love me?
None of them like Eugene, obviously. Daddy's just happy he's not a "wimp." But I think he might say he was if he ever saw all angles of him. I don't think being sweet and sincere makes him a wimp, though. Anyway, it's about when are we getting married. Apparently, it's customary to have the groom's family pay half. And weddings are so expensive! It's alright he's not royal, since at least he's from here and I'll actually be the ruling monarch anyway. But he has no family, let alone to afford half a royal wedding! Why does it have to be so expensive? What's it all for?
Mommy is upset because he did not ask Daddy to marry him. But that makes no sense! Eugene doesn't want to marry him, he wants to marry me. So why would he ever propose to him? We're the ones who want to get married. We may confuse people with being purposely vague about how the proposal happened, but what they expect is just ridiculous. Between you and me, it just sorta came up, during a very intimate conversation. He was musing about the future, and I asked if he meant marriage, then he confessed he had thought about it, but hadn't exactly meant to propose that moment, but that he would say yes; I said yes, but he likes to say I mentioned it first. Really it was as joint a decision as could be. Trying to explain that to people, ugh, things just get tangled up.
Mommy's upset because Eugene is living in the castle. But then she says it's fine, perfectly understandable, and makes sense. But she's still not happy about it. She has once said she's happy for me, but she doesn't act like it.
Mommy's upset because she says I shouldn't be going to Church with them. I thought it was nice and I enjoyed being there, surrounded by family and happy nice people. I thought I belonged. I guess I don't. Eugene's never liked going, other than one priest who was really funny. ...we've stopped joining them. It still hurts everytime I welcome them home from mas...
Mommy's upset because we stopped going to mass. I don't understand any of this. But I am scared to bring it up. So we just don't go. I wonder what everyone says in my absence.
Mommy's upset that I keep poor communications with my tutor. But... stressful!
Eugene and I finally bought engagement rings. ...nobody likes them. Okay, well, only Pascal, Max, and the guys from the Snuggly Duckling like them, and I suppose the jeweler we commissioned. And a few townsfolk who commented on the design. I think my aunt and uncle were just being nice. Basically, my parents don't like them. ...but that really makes me sad...
Whenever we are alone at last though, the fog lifts, and the world is new. Everything is different.
"What do you think about 'Eugene' for our first kid? But a different middle name, like me and my father were."
He always makes me smile. Pascal's favorite spot is attached to him. Max knows he makes me happy. I know his secret favorite is watching the expressions I make when I don't realize I am.
"Like, just when you're taking stuff out of the oven- but you're so thoughtful, determined, careful."
We show each other new things all the time. We read fairytales and other sorts of stories together. We play games, and even play sword fight with wooden sticks. We've been to the beach, to plays, to restaurants, and sometimes just walk through the forest. We are ALWAYS talking about everything.
"Maybe I don't need a whole castle. Just a rampart. Look how cool they look!"
All these things may seem boring or mundane, or routine.
"What kind of cheese today?"
"The same."
But it's just spending time together that makes it beautiful. Even when I snatch his food and he hides my crown.
"I love shelves and shelves of books," he sighs after a deep breath of the musty volumes. "I'd love to work at a museum, too." He knows all those things each have their stories.
"What's wrong with the way I dress? … Well, alright, for you. … Now you look too nice – No, I mean I have to get MORE dressed up. I look like some old schlub next to you." But he does look good in anything. Or nothing. a.a
We people watch and riff on silly things.
"Oh my God, look at this!"
I tell him all that bothers me.
"Don't listen to them. But you are weird."
"YOU'RE weird!"
"I never said I wasn't."
We laugh. I can tell him anything. He tells me what he knows of his family, the kids he left, all about work, and what we believe about the universe.
"You killed a baby duck?"
"Well, I was 4 and I thought its neck was a handle. It got better."
"Oh no, you really do fit right in at the pub!" He runs so I chase after him.
His kisses are the best. His arms are the best. His shoulders and chest-... Hm. Exploring in that sense is too private to even say and makes me blush! But I'll just say, it's all the best. ;)
"Just surprise me."
"Guess."
"No!"
"Guess!"
"I already know."
"Well then tell me."
"Cookie dough."
A sigh. "Of course it is."
"'Cause you know me too well!"
I could go on and on about him. Though unexpected and unrequested, he is a gift. One I never knew I needed or wanted. Here, with him, I am able to truly be myself and happy and not anxious at all. Here, in an embrace with him, I am home. He is more than a dream, he is my future – to love, laugh, and learn with – to dance and dream new dreams with.
"C'mon, let's go!"
We laugh, holding hands, running towards a better view of the sunrise. We know we are disgustingly cute enough to give you cavities, but we don't care.
I am so lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.
I do know who I am, and so does he.
But without him, I'm nothing but a Princess.
"Your father's an asshole and your mother doesn't know how much damage she does. But I wouldn't be here if I didn't fuckin love you more than anything in this whole goddamned world."
It's in those day to day struggles, sacrifices, and victories, that I find hope. I feel love. I have faith in us.