Weasley's Wizard Wheezes
Dedicated to my lover, NakedFury
Portion 1: Arrival
The wind was high that night in rural England as Ronald Weasley heaved his bags up the steps of his family home, the warm light pouring through the Burrows' windows contrasted the dark Autumn night which surrounded him. He let out a groan as he hoised his final piece of luggage unto the porch and knocked on the door three times. A few moments passed as Ron's mother, Molly Weasley answered the door with a beaming smile,
"Oh Ronald darling! I have been waiting so long for you to come home! I swear you've grown since I've last seen you!"
Ron smiled an embarrassed smile as he and his mother brought in the remaining bags,
"Say...how is that wizarding school? Is it doing you nicely?" Ron's mom continued as she planted himself firmly on the couch, patting on the cushion next to her, signaling a seat for her long awaited son, who instead chose the chair opposite her.
"What's the matter Ronald?" she asked concernedly, "You haven't said a word since you got in? No hello, no how do you do? What's wrong?" Ronald looked at the floor intensely, then back up at his mother, tears beginning to form in his eyes. Mrs Weasley gasped as she ran across the room to embrace him, being met with a loose hug in return from Ron, who could barely make out the words;
"She's gone mum...she's gone…" Molly, clearly confused and distressed with this information, inquired further, with desperation in her loving voice,
"Who dear? What are you talking about?" Ron pushed back from her and looked deeply into his mother's eyes, barely being able to speak through his sobs, he solemnly replied,
"Hermione...she's dead."
Portion 2: Sorrow
The table was set out with Ron's favourite meal, steak with kidney pie, prepared eloquently by his mother, who now sat eating with him at the table,
"Oh Ron can you please just tell me what has happened to her?" Ron, having not touched his food, wiped tears from his raw face and looked at his mother with even more intensity than before as he said,
"They found her body. It was buried in an unmarked grave out by the lake. Nobody knows who did it or why, that was until Hagrid found her suicide note...I just can't believe she's gone." He looked down, then up again at his now sobbing mother,
"I can't believe my Hermione is gone." He broke down into tears yet again. He had always thought the world of her, though he never said it, he always felt it in all that he was. He loved her, but not just her, everything about her. How she laughed, how she talked, how she would always be so studious and organized...everything she was was beautiful to him. Now here he was, full of hopes that would never happen, dreams that would never be, and words that would never be said aloud. Not to her, or anyone. Hermione was everything to him, and now she was gone. His mother was speechless, for what could she even say? Here was her son, mourning over a dear friend, crying over a monumental loss. What could she say? No..that was no longer the question, what could she do? Well, dear reader, she could do the only thing any caring mother could do for their son.
Portion 3: Family Woes
Molly Weasley violently pushed her chair away from the table and stood up, bore Ron could even open his mouth to ask what in the blazes was going on, Mrs Weasley used her wand to blast every single thing off of the wooden dinner table.
"Have you gone mad mom? What the bloody hell are you doing!?" Ron inquired as he backed away out of fright. Mrs Weasley then jumped on top of the table, danced a merry jig, and tore her floral dress clean off, revealing her fabulous beach body. Ron screamed in agony, as his eyes began to liquify into a meaty jelly. Molly, in a final effort to save him, fell to her hands and knees on top of the table and, using her ape-like feet, grabbed Ronald's head and held it right up against her luscious rump.
"Hold on tight Ronnie! This'll be a whopper!" The whole multi-layered estate began to shake as she emptied her stomach of gases, instantly restoring Ron's vision and, according to plan, restored his happiness. It wasn't long before the entire house was filled with a thick green gaseous cloud fresh from mama weasley's puckered asshole.
"Eat up!" she said cheerfully as Ronald nodded and inhaled the entire cloud, making him inflate, not unlike a balloon.
"Mommy I am full now," A bloated Ron insisted as he rolled his eyes, "May I please be reborn?" a reluctant Molly crossed her arms and thought for a moment, was it worth it? Could she count on him? Oh hell, why not!
"Sure thing kiddo!" Mrs Weasley stated proudly much to Ron's appeasement. She then poked him with a pin. Following the deafening pop and spatter of vermillion fluids, nothing was left but a pile of organs and a newly created fetus which lay crying on the ground.
"Oh there there," Mrs Weasley began as she picked it up and held it in her arms, "Soon everything will be alright." Just as soon as she had said this, the fetus twisted and contorted, growing exponentially in size until it became a newly formed Ronald. Ronald smiled, picked up his luggage and hurried out to his enchanted car,
"Thanks as always mom! You're a saint!" Molly stood out on the porch and waved as he flew away,
"Boys will be boys." She said with a chuckle and a twinkle in her eye.