Title: Saving You, Saving Me
Author: Kitty
Disclaimer: I don't own GG – the book or the series.
Summary: It's been seven years since Blair Waldorf last set foot in the Vanderbilt mansion – seven long years since the darkest night of her darkest year. Everything seems to have changed. But also, certain things remain the same – he is still a little bit lost and she is just a tad bit broken.
Pairing: NB, CB and NV in the background somewhere
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It's been seven years since Blair Waldorf last set foot in the Vanderbilt mansion – seven long years since the darkest night of her darkest year. That night, she had felt so lost and so alone, a withered leaf swirling amongst stormy winds – grazing but not quite touching the ground. So many things had flitted through her mind, most of them she is still too ashamed to admit out loud. There were farfetched plans of running away to Europe but mostly sick thoughts of sharp and shiny blades and the sleek porcelain of her old room's bathtub. She needed saving then, that much is sure.
"Nate Archibald." Her voice comes out in a sad whisper to herself as she enters the mansion through its large oak doors. The tenderness that accompanies her utterance surprises her and she glances up at the dark-haired man flanking her side. He does not seem to notice. Blair finds she doesn't really care.
When she was in high school, the grand ballroom had been just that – grand. The chandeliers were all lighted, expensive crystals glittering as celebratory music filled the air. There was an abundance of food and drinks – the latter aiding and abetting the brunette as she had proceeded on her so-called downward spiral. That night had held such hope for all of them in the end – of redemption, forgiveness, happiness and even love. Blair loathes thinking how this time around, everything is different – the chandelier lights seem dimmer, the crystals duller and the music quiet and sad. The food and drinks are being consumed awkwardly – shoved down the throat to avoid conversation, gulped down to maybe numb the pain. Most of all, the hope is gone – dwindled to something she cannot distinguish anymore. It feels like desperation – or perhaps just defeat.
"You came," says a voice Blair knows as much as her own. She turns around to face her best friend, a girl she really barely knows anymore.
"Of…Of course," she tries to reply nonchalantly. The look in her eyes – the sadness, the concern – is registered fully by Serena but the blonde decides to refrain from making any comment. "Where…is he?"
"The body is…" Serena begins before realizing that Mr. Vanderbilt is not who Blair was referring to. "I…I don't know, actually. Somewhere…around. He's been quite hard to locate lately."
"I see." The concern and tenderness does not leave her voice and this time, she is sure Chuck notices. His grip on her waist tightens and she finds herself wanting to push him away – even just a little.
"Maybe you should ask…Vanessa?" As soon as she sees Blair's face cloud and her posture stiffen, the taller girl regrets allowing the name to slip from her lips. Perhaps what everyone has been saying is true. Maybe this thing between her best friends will never be over.
"Never mind," Blair says a little sharply. Turning to her fiancé, she wrestles away from his grasp and mumbles something about food and drinks. He knows there is more to it but decides not to pursue the issue. She will tell him when she is ready. Besides, there is nothing to worry about. Blair loves him. He is sure of that. Something in the way his former stepsister takes his arm comfortingly, however, tells him otherwise.
Blair wanders the halls quietly, searching for the familiar figure of her first love. This house is filled with memories of happy – perhaps happier – times and a familiar pull is tugging at her heart. Nate first brought her here when they were twelve or thirteen, the summer before seventh grade when they had officially started dating. It was a summer charity gala and he had been so proud of her – by far the most beautiful girl of the night – and had proceeded to introduce her to his entire family as "Miss Blair Cornelia Waldorf, my girlfriend." Since then, they had visited the Vanderbilts often – his grandfather taking them both sailing every summer, the female members inviting her to go on shopping trips and the males generally coddling her almost as much as Nate. Once upon a time she had belonged here. Blair actually kind of misses the feeling.
After the Serena debacle, she had hoped so much for things to get better. Maybe they could have. They actually almost did. But then Chuck happened and the rest is – as they say – history. Nate and Blair – they became the past. Once the king and queen of the Upper East Side, they are now pushed aside and replaced by imitations which can only be described as cheap. No one says it out loud but they all feel it – nothing can ever compare.
Shifting slightly on her feet, Blair finds herself standing in front of a door she remembers entering hesitantly the last time she visited. It was the night she found something she thought she had lost for good – if only to lose it again soon after. Pushing the door open, she sees him, Nathaniel Fitzwilliam Archibald – the not-so-former love of her life. She suspects the rest of the hour or so will unfold like a movie – much like it had seven years ago. Only this time, they are switching roles. He is the one who is lost and floating aimlessly. She will – try – to bring him back to solid ground.
"Hey," she says tentatively, taking a few steps towards his turned back. "What are you doing here?"
"I don't know," he replies with a sigh, looking at her blankly and moving slightly so she can seat herself.
Nate lets his gaze return to a point somewhere in the darkness in front of him and she allows him to settle with his thoughts. Her own gaze, however, remains on his face – on the sadness and pain that she knows remains hidden behind his blue eyes, on the terrified cries she knows are trapped somewhere in his throat. Finally, she cannot resist and puts her arms around him. She hugs him close, lets his head rest on her shoulder as she tries to caress his back soothingly. He does not fight her – just allows her to comfort him, to be there for him, to be the Blair he knew and sometimes suspects he still loves.
"He's gone," he whispers to her shoulder and she hugs him even tighter. "He was my last chance and he just..."
Blair allows him then to pour his heart out, to say things to her that he wishes he had told the older Vanderbilt. She stays quiet, nodding every once in a while to let him know she is still there, still listening. When she feels the tears on her bare skin, she pretends she doesn't, instead allowing him to move at his preferred pace – and summoning the maturity she wishes she'd had when they had reunited years before in this very room.
"Do you remember...?" he starts.
"I remember a lot of things," she interjects. Her voice is sad and he takes a longer look at her face. Blair is different. He can feel it as much as see it. "I'll always remember."
Nate takes her hand shyly, forgetting for a moment that things are not as they used to be – or how he wants them to be. They are no longer the "It" couple, no longer the King and Queen. She is not the future Mrs. Archibald and he will continue to wake up without her slender body by his side. Prom night of senior year, they had made their choice. Though they both wish it had ended differently, each one knows it was inevitable. But for purposes of tonight they could maybe stay like this – hidden from the rest of the world, raw, open and together – just like it should have always been.
"I remember the last time we were here," Blair says quietly. "I was so lost then." Nate merely nods and she continues. "I think you...You saved me Nate."
Taken aback by her last line, he squeezes her hand before answering. "I...Well. You're welcome, Blair."
"Everything from that moment is still so clear to me, in my head." She gives him a small smile and he gives her one back. "You reminded me that I was and always will be Blair Waldorf no matter what happens – even if I'm no longer sure of how things are going to end. This time around, I think I'm satisfied – even without knowing. And I'm ready to face it all."
"I'm...glad."
"What about you Nate? Are you happy with this all?"
"I am satisfied," he tells her after taking a deep breath. "Satisfied. I have a stable job. I have money. I have friends. I have...a fiancé. What else is there really to ask for?"
Love. The word – emotion – hangs in the air between them, around them but neither makes a move to say it out loud. It's too late for that, they know. Or maybe it is just the wrong time? It always seems to be.
Blair takes a glance at her watch and sees she has been gone for nearly an hour already. She stands up, her hand still in Nate's larger one. He takes the other one also – ignoring the gaudy diamond engagement ring in her left – and they remain unmoving. Once again they are Nate and Blair – standing together, weathering the storm and staying tall. It's sad, the way they both know they could have had it all. She moves forward, placing a chaste kiss on his forehead, not very different from the one he gave her after his big break-up with Vanessa. She has began to think of it as their official friend gesture – a kiss speaking for everything else they both know must remain unsaid. Stepping back again, she turns to go.
"Blair!" he calls after her.
"Yeah?" she replies with a little bit more hope than she intended to.
"Thank you."
She smiles at him warmly and allows the blush to creep into her cheeks. "I owed you one, Nate Archibald. I came to return the favor."
Stepping out into the hallway, she sees her fiancé in his purple coat. She pretends she doesn't, deciding instead to take some time off on her own. Taking refuge in the balcony, Blair allows thoughts of Nate – and first kisses and salvation and the warm feeling of being truly loved – to swim in her head while fingering the ruby ring she hasn't taken off even once since the first time a certain blue-eyed, golden-haired boy slipped it on her finger. Years ago, when they had still been together, she had asked him if he was happy. His reply had been "Yes" – happy and not just satisfied. She decides she doesn't feel any different.
Down below, Nate has just reemerged from his hiding place, wandering into the ballroom where his grandfather's body lay. From the other side of the room, Vanessa walks towards him in a stylish dress and bejeweled shoes – albeit a little awkwardly – looking to comfort the man she wishes she could still really reach. He glances at her hand, where the Vanderbilt ring lay, shining and elegant, a stark contrast to the woman whose finger has become its new home. Somehow, the ring had never looked as good on anyone as it had on Blair Waldorf.
Upon returning to the ballroom, a hand draws her into a corner and Blair finds herself standing face-to-face with the man she supposedly loves.
"Archibald habit again?" Chuck whispers and half-sneers at her in a malevolent voice she has not heard in a long time. She can smell the scotch on his breath and she decides he is drunk again – a state she has no affinity for, especially on him.
"He needed someone to talk to," she snaps.
"And it just had to be you," he replies with distaste. "Nate Archibald and Blair Waldorf. When are you two ever going to stop?" Letting go of the tight grip he has on her wrist, he half pushes her aside and stalks away.
The harshness of her fiancé's words make her flinch – the reality in them driving an invisible stake through her heart. It is supposed to be over. They are only setting themselves up for heartbreak this way. Nothing is ever going to come from it. Nate is too nice a guy to really cheat on Vanessa, knowing full well the price that comes with infidelity. Blair is a different person – no longer the strong-willed princess that had ruled the Upper East Side during their younger years. She has matured greatly – made to deal with a life she never imagined for herself and a future with a man she never intended to marry.
When they broke up after prom, they both knew it to be for the best. Still, the hope lingered. It was not meant to be a permanent thing – just a minor reprieve until they took the path to togetherness again. But somewhere along the way, Vanessa wheedled herself into his life again and Chuck took it upon himself to ransack her life like a tempest – picking up the pieces and seemingly forgetting that he was the one who destroyed it in the first place. She knows it must be too late now, no matter how right for each other they still are. Life is known to deal a few crazy hands, and again, Blair has learned to make use of the cards she has been dealt.
As Nate takes the microphone in the middle of the ballroom, he makes eye contact with her and she gives him a small smile. His shining eyes and golden glow seem to give the room a little bit of hope again – if not taking away a little bit of the previously embraced defeat and desperation. Her smile widens as she realizes that she has accomplished what she has truly come here for.
She has saved him – just as he had her.
Maybe they never will be together again – fate seems to be leaning a bit towards that side. But that doesn't mean she will ever stop loving him or that she will give up all hope. He is still a little bit lost and she is just a tad bit broken. They might still need to be saved every once in a while. And when that time comes, she knows the – former – King and Queen will still be there for each other.