Chapter 1
Jane could hear him in the kitchen, opening and closing the cabinets as he gathered all the elements to make the perfect coffee. It was strange to wake up in her bed, after spending four days at that lonely hotel room, but it was stranger to wake up alone next to cold sheets.
It was time to talk, it was the window the both of them were eagerly waiting. It was too early to visit Avery at the hospital and the kid needed her sleep to fully recover from an exhausting trip and face a new reality. There was no other option but to walk down the hall and face the moment she had avoided for so long, too afraid to accept her mistakes and see them reflected in Weller's tears.
Her heart sunk in her chest when she saw the blankets on the couch. There was a time when they promised to never go to bed while mad at each other, to always share a kiss before turning off the lights. That time seems like a lifetime ago as if lived by another person who it wasn't her but, theoretically, she wasn't the same as two years ago.
Weller placed the mug on the counter and drank from his, waiting for Jane to get hers as they usually did every morning on the weekends when they were too stressed to sleep in.
"You shouldn't have slept on the couch, that mattress is for two people" Jane breathed in the freshly made coffee, holding back the tears. She didn't deserve him. Was there a man who would make his wife a cup of coffee the day after she confesses having a relationship with another man who isn't him while still married?
"We need to talk about certain things, Jane. I refuse to leave that door the way things are between us at the moment."
Jane sighed and bit her lip; he was right, and she was there for the same reason. "I know. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blaming you for so long while I also had some sins to confess. But I thought I'd never see you again and I know that's not an excuse and that it's not enough to you, but there was a part of me that was trying to forget you, that was getting ready to live a life without you"
"Why?"
"Because I only bring pain to all the people who dare to love me, don't you see?" The tears flooded her eyes and ran through her pink cheeks. They held all the regret, the sleepless nights she spent in the arms of another man while she thought she'd never see his blue eyes again.
"I made a bow" He simply replied from the kitchen, at the other side of the counter that kept them apart.
"What?"
"The day I married you, Jane… I knew what I was saying yes to. To a wonderful woman who makes mistakes, who's stubborn as hell, whose life is as complicated as mine. I married a woman who is human. You can't define who you are by the kind of job you do every day. We are in danger for what we do not for who we are, you can't blame yourself for what would've happened if you'd stayed in Colorado with us."
"But it was me who decided to-to work with Clem"
"Because you needed to survive out there. The same way as I needed to survive out here every day with the constant reminder that you were gone, that there was a big possibility that I would never see you again."
"But you never gave up on me"
"Neither did you" He waited for her to understand. "You're here, Jane. You came back, not because I asked you to, but because you wanted to" Weller walked towards her and placed a loose lock of hair behind her ear and kissed her temple.
"I'm sorry" She whispered.
"I know"
"I wanna do it right this time"
"Me too."
Weller's lips caressed Jane's skin, parting the tears from her damp face, cocooning her head in his hands with delicacy. His mouth found hers and she sobbed when their tongues met, letting all the exhaustion and pain leave her body. She was in his hands and everything was okay, she knew they'll be ok.
"I'm sorry for being so selfish"
"Jane, shh", he whispered, eyes closed, fingers tangled in her hair.
"Why are you so good to me?" There was no chance she could stop talking. Weller knew it was a lost fight against her, but he kept her body close to hers, feeling her warmth, savoring the taste of her mouth, her skin against his.
"Because I don't want to lose you. Don't walk away from me, Jane. Don't."
She opened her eyes slowly as if getting ready to lose him after waking up from a dream. But he was there, frowning, whishing with all his heart that she would accept his demands.
"I won't. You were right, we need to face things together, as a marriage"
He nodded and studied her face, studying his eyes, as if looking for some answers he knew he couldn't find unless she wanted to.
"What?"
"Did you love him?" His words felt like bullets, crashing against her skin, shattering her nerves, turning every bone to dust until nothing remained on her. She felt cold, as if her body ran out of blood all of a sudden. Jane knew, deep inside of her mind, that she'd have to face the question but imagining it was easier than facing it.
Weller took a step back, eyes down. "I see" He replied hoarsely.
"Kurt, it's not what you think" Could this be even worse? How could she explain? "What I feel for you… What we have… I'll never find it with anyone else who isn't you."
He looked up, he needed to make sure every word that came from her mouth was true, he couldn't take another lie even if she meant well for the sake of their marriage. But there was nothing but truth; the glass in Jane's eyes was broken, letting all of her emotions flow her mind, her body.
"Despite everything I did to forget, to feel complete, I still felt that something was missing, and I've felt it since Keaton put me on that plane, since the moment I left my ring in our house. It didn't matter what I did to feel full, it didn't matter how many lives I saved, you were always in my mind. The simple thought of you moving on, starting a new family with someone else or waiting for me, it killed me. I wa-I am selfish, and I'm sorry, Kurt. I'm so sorry" Tears were streaming down her cheeks once again.
Jane sat on the couch, eyes closed, waiting for the front door to close behind Weller. But strong hands caressed her face and salty lips kissed the edges of her mouth, the tip of her nose, the thin skin on her temples.
"I love you" She had waited so long to hear those words and feel completely free, detached from any remorse, from any memory.
"I love you too, Kurt"
Her fingers intertwined in his chest hair as his lips kissed the bird on her neck, making a cold shiver run down her spine. The words were forgotten and the promises spoken, there were no secrets, no lies, just two people loving each other while the coffee cooled on the kitchen counter.