The Camdens: by Joe Cloudheart
The Camdens TRIP INTO EVIL!!!
Author's Note: Hi! I'd just like to thank the many people that have supported this idea. I wanted to write something really funny and I think I succeeded.
This one if for you, Mary! (mwa ha ha!)
Annie marched into the room just as RevCam was dozing off to sleep; a newspaper covering half his face.
"Our daughter has a poster of Ricki Martin in his room!!!" she screeched.
"So?" RevCam said, groggily rubbing his eyes.
"So he's a giant fruit, that's what! We can't have our children having gay role models! The world will end! End!"
"That's nice Annie...why don't you go to the local food drive...I'm sure they could use someone to yell at people there..."
Annie pondered this. Why, yes, that was a good idea! "All right," she said. "I will go. For I am: Annie, the Wondermom!" And she stormed out of the room.
"You forgot your cape-oh, never mind..." said the RevCam, loafing back to his chair.
The Camden's new home was just like their old one...their old one having been torched by the RevCam while insane the month before. But they lied and collected a big ol' insurance check, and by sheer coincidence, the architect that built this house had been the same one to design the old one. He wasn't that original...
So RevCam was snugly sitting down when all of a sudden, men broke into his house. They tied him up and gagged him. If his children were there, they would most likely thank these strangers...
Meanwhile, Simon was off somewhere trying to be cool. He was wearing a big bandana made from seran wrap and paper towels on his head (because Annie wouldn't let him wear cloth on his head; she thought he might get lice and give it to Ruthie. And the dog) So Simon was pretending that his life was worth living when all of a sudden his friends came over. His new friends were of course gang members who he'd been secretly hanging out with.
"Hey Simon...wanna try some acid??"
"Aw, man! You brought acid into my house??? My mom would kill me!"
"So are you gonna try some?"
"Well...you'll be my friends, right?"
"Of course, dude."
"Ok!"
"Here man...just try this...It'll bring you to a whole new world..."
Across the street from their brand spanking new home, Mary watched through binoculars.
"Everything is going perfectly! Are you sure the spell will work again??"
"Yeah, babe," said her lesbian girlfriend. "I just don't see why you would want to...I mean we screwed them up pretty bad the first time..."
"I'm bored!" snapped Mary. "And besides, it's fun!"
"Oh yeah..." her lesbian girlfriend said, smiling. "But remember, it's still temporary. It only makes them enact their darkest desires for a while..."
"Yes," said Mary, "and it also enhances them...this is more fun than an Eminem concert! Whoo!"
Meanwhile, RevCam was kidnapped and taken to a warehouse by thugs. They took off the blindfold and gag and he faced them, tied to a chair.
"What do you want with me?? Please don't hurt me. I have daughters...you can have them!"
"Shut up! We're sick of this. You're not going to be speaking at any more sermons unless WE think it's okay..."
"Who are you??"
"Us?" said one of the three men. "We're your welcome party...Boys??" For a minute, RevCam was afraid they would take off their belts and reenact Deliverance. Instead they lifted up the chair and took it into a back room, where they descended down a bunch of stone stairs and into a candlelit room, full of weird guys chanting and wearing red robes.
"The preacher man is here!"
"Preacher man! Preacher man!"
"What is this? Who are you?! I want my mommy!" shouted RevCam.
"We are your cult, sir. You don't remember us???" someone asked.
"Bring the blood of Kali!!!" A hooded guy brought out a Tupperware dish full of icky looking blood.
"After this you'll need a Tums, look out stomach, here it comes!" said the main, sandy haired young man who had been speaking. Eric was forced to drink.
"Is it all coming back to you now??" Eric looked dopey for a while, and his head swayed back and forth.
"Yes! Now untie me! We have work to do! Oh my young apprentice, soon all will be ours! All! A HA HA! A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" His evil cronies laughed similarly.
Simon looked around the room. "WHHHHHHHHOA!" he said. "Perty bird, perty bird...la la ala la la la a-la la la. Caw! Caw caw! Caw!"
Lucy walked into the room at that point.
"Caw!" cawed Simon.
"What the hell??" she said. Simon rushed over and began pecking his nose against her leg and flapping his arms. Then he got up and stared her in the eye. "Simon what is wrong with you??"
"What isn't?" said one of Simon's friends, lying on the floor, smoking a joint and petting Happy.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she screeched.
Simon looked at her confused. "Awwwwwwww...you CARE about me. " he said, genuinely touched. And then: "I need bird seed, dammit! Caw, caw, caw!"
"Oh my God, are you on drugs?!"
"A whole new WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!" Simon sang, stretching out his arms and swinging in circles. and then tripping (in so many ways) over a couch cushion lying on the floor and landed on his face, laughing.
"Man, not again," said Lucy pouting. "But then again, Dad will bust him and I'll be the new favorite! Yes! I'm the favorite! I'm the smart one!" and with that she decided to relax and watch TV.
Meanwhile, at the food drive, many people were being berated by Annie's good nature.
"Mrs. Smith, I have to say...you just aren't doing enough to keep your husband happy in your marriage..."
The woman gathering cans looked up at her. "Do I know you??"
"No, but that's never important. What's important is, I know more than you do because I'm a better wife. I thought I'd share my wisdom and maybe you can keep your husband if you're lucky."
"Look, honey" began the large Hispanic woman. "I don' know you, but you better back it up and stay clear of me. I can do serious damage..."
"Oh but you already have!" wailed Annie. "Your husband talked to me earlier. He said you just aren't there for him enough..."
"I have to go to work!"
"Work?? Oh, but you're a woman! A married one!"
"Are you stupid or just fundamentalist??"
"She's both!" shouted someone from behind them. It was the pot smoking guy from that one episode! But Annie couldn't remember his name so she just called him Pot Guy.
"Hey Pot Guy, stay out of this! I'm trying to help this woman with God's word!" Annie said triumphantly. "And you know you should really do something about your weight...men don't like a plump woman..."
"That's it!" yelled the woman, picking up various food products and flinging them at Annie. "Ooooh, Hershey's syrup!" she said, taking the cap off and flinging it all over Annie, who freaked out and cursed.
"AAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Annie as she ran away from the table, the large woman hurling rolls at her as she fled. Annie suddenly turned back on the woman and rushed her, the two falling down on the grass, rolling around, clutching one another's arms.
"Bitch!"
"Shut up, whore!"
They rolled around and around, churchgoers and hungry people both looking on in horror.
"Coool," said Pot Guy, smiling and shaking his head. "You know, you are very cool God," he said, looking up.
Anyway, so Annie was fighting and suddenly it occurred to her that this woman was even on birth control! Damn her! So many sins! So she took some rolls and was about to hurl them when she slipped on a can of peaches.
Just then, from out of nowhere, Dobermans raced across the lawn and people screamed as they made their way to Annie. They snarled and growled and looked insane. Annie whimpered and then got up, fleeing as they chased her.
"Wow, that was cool!" said Pot Guy.
Meanwhile, Simon was experimenting with decorating their new house with crayon. The walls, the ceiling, the mirrors, the car, Ruthie, the VCR...everything was his canvas. Of course he tried eating the crayons afterwards but Lucy wouldn't let him. His friends she had long thrown out.
"Where's mom, anyway??" asked Lucy aloud.
"Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah!" she heard. Annie burst through the door, her dress covered in mud and sticks and branches in her hair. "The dogs...chased me...didn't like it! Everyone a heathen!" she wailed.
"Here, let me help you!" said Lucy. Lucy sucked up to her mom big time. She no longer wore goth clothes like she did when Mary had visited last. She was a spiffy young girl with goals and values. Or so they thought, thought Lucy.
Lucy ran a bath and Annie was left to her own devices. Annie played soothing music and used soap made by orphans in a sweatshop somewhere...
Meanwhile, at his supposed college, Matt walked down a hallway.
"Hey there, tiger," a very good looking young jock said, addressing him. (and also undressing him...with his eyes...hello!)
"Oh, hi Gary...I uh...have to be somewhere..."
Gary lounged in front of Matt, leaning into the wall. "Hey, no hurry or anything..." he said, and ran his hand smoothly against Matt's chest. "No hurry..." Matt moaned slightly. He felt himself getting so hard.
"I can respect your wishes, but...sooner or later I know you'll be coming, handsome." He pinched Matt's cheek slightly. "Does my wittle guy feel awone at all?"
"No. I...I'm fine...I'm trying to date this girl..."
"Oh Matt, you're always trying to date some girl. But you never can. You come on so strong and chase them away. Because you're just trying to cover up, bud. But if you come near my place, you never have to do that... But with me," he said, grabbing Matt's hand and clutching his own crotch with it, "Well, you know you can be as vocal and as strong as you want..."
"Oh God...Oh God..."
"That's right, baby...I'm here...God sent me to you, my little angel."
"You are so hot. You're everything I want. God, I just want to run my hands all over you..."
"Well then what's stopping you??" Gary said, sounding bemused. "Just hop a ride on Gary, flight nonstop..." he added.
Gary led Matt away back to his room with his pinky.
He's so romantic!, thought Matt, holding Gary's hand, smiling like an idiot.
They walked into the room and Gary slipped in a CD. The song "The only boy that could ever teach me...was the son of a preacher man" played.
"All aboard..." said Gary.
Across town, RevCam prepared for his power struggle.
"Soon my minions...soon we shall have everything just exactly as it should be! All hail, the powerful dark lord!"
"Dark lord! Dark lord!" the room full of hooded minions chanted.
Annie, taking a break from the house, trounced up the street to the local supermarket, right across the street from the lamest movie theater on earth, which apparently never showed anything from the recent past 50 years.
I love that theater, she thought.
Inside, the supermarket was filled with happy shoppers and happy children happily running through the store like kamikake fighters. One of the children playing nearly bumped into Annie.
What terrible parents that child must have!, she thought.
"Um, excuse me, aren't you Annie Camden??" a voice said from behind her.
"Why yes!" she said. "What is it? Are you in need? Do you need guidance? Butting in? Im good at butting in..."
"Oh well...actually your car is being towed away..."
"WHAT???" Annie said, pushing him aside violently because she was such a shrew.
Outside, a tow truck ran off with her car. Just then, due to a horrible coincidence, a runaway tank ran across the street from the freeway and rammed the tow truck and her car. Her car was flattened, utterly squashed.
"MY RELIGIOUS PAMPHLETS!!!!" she cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
She ran up to the scene. From inside the tank popped up...Ruthie!!
"Ruthie, what are you doing in that tank?! Come down here right this instant!"
"Oh, okay" Ruthie said reluctantly. "You never let me have any fun..."
Annie yanked her daughter off to the nearest bus stop, yelling all the while. Finally, a bunch of bumbs stepped up to ask her to keep it down. One of them was going deaf due to Annie's screeching.
Apparently Ruthie was really bored that day and no one knew or cared about her whereabouts. When Annie got home, the RevCam was looking at the twins downstairs, both of them giggling innocently.
"You will not believe what your daughter did today! She stole a tank and crushed our car!!!"
"Oh, you always overreact." Eric said, disgustedly. "How's my precious little angel??" he said to Ruthie.
"Fine, daddy!"
"She crushed our car! We have no car!"
"Oh, can it! I can always embezzle more money. Go do the laundry or bark at Simon or something..."
"I can't stand this! I will not tolerate this!" she said, walking out of the room, her hair swaying back and forth, back and forth.
"Bitch..." said Eric. "But she's necessary for the plan. Soon, the stars will be in alignment and the world will be ours...A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Ruthie grinned malevolently alongside her father. One of the twins spewed (a really big continuous evil stream of spew that is) and pea baby food went all over them both.
"Ew!" said Ruthie.
"Oh, gross!" said Eric. "Oh, but I forgot...where's Simon. I need him to do something..."
Just then, Simon came bounding down the stairs.
"This looks like a job..." he said "FOR DUCK DODGERS...OF THE TWENTY FOURTH...AND A HALF...CENTHURY!!!!" Simon was wearing an old purple Halloween cape. He came across the room to a confused Eric. "We have to hide from the little people. The little people are bad. Caw! Got to find the white rabbit! Follow the white rabbit!" Then Simon began hopping around the room like a bunny rabbit.
"Knock it off!" said Eric. "You have work to do. Take this bomb...er...suitcase full of...church...stuff...and hide it at the local dam.
"Damn right I will! To the dam, dammit!" said Simon. Simon tried opening the door but instead he just stared at it. "Whooooooooa," he said. "Look at that knob. Knobby! Ha ha! Knob, knob! You're a good knob! What's that? Follow the white rabbit??"
"Simon! Pay attention! Uh...the white rabbit went to the waterworks...his lettuce is in the briefcase. So don't open it, just take it there right away..."
"Aye aye, cap'n!" said Simon, as he then proceeded to walk into the door.
RevCam rolled his eyes. He opened the door for his son, who hopped like a bunny across the lawn.
"Well that takes care of part of my plan..."
"Daddy, can I have France when you're through??" asked Ruthie.
"Maybe sweetie. Maybe...we'll talk."
Matt phone called just then. Annie answered. Matt wanted to know if he could bring a friend for dinner. Annie answered affirmatively. Later, she tried to find Lucy, but couldn't. She decided to make a huge dinner anyway. Everything was going to go HER way from now on. She was tired of people running around without her permission. When Lucy got home, she would put a lock on her door and install a video camera to watch her daughters every move!
But alas, Lucy never showed up that night. She was across town. When she saw Simon (who had by that time already made his delivery) she knew she had to ask him just right. She was involved in a new little project. She had long decided that college wasn't the path to money. The path to money was sin! But her parents didn't need to know that. For now she was still the favorite.
She convinced Simon to follow her to an out of the way apartment. With her boyfriend Steve, who had recently replaced Ty, Dave, and Fergis as her current bestest boyfriend (although she still saw the others...what the heck, you only live once!, she thought) they had gotten several people together to create their very own porno movie.
Simon looked at all the cameras and equipment.
"Now remember Simon. All you have to do his have sex with Robbie, and you'll make $500 bucks. How does that sound?"
"I don't know...kind of good. I guess..."
"Good. Are you gay, by the way?"
"Enh. I'll do anything for 500 bucks. But I guess I go both ways...":
"Perfect! I'll schedule you to do an orgy with Samantha and Tina tomorrow. But for now..." she said, and motioned towards the bed, removing one of the silk curtains. "Meet your porno co star!" Robbie lay there on the sheets, looking demurely up at Simon in his pink lingerie. "Hi, stud..." he said.
Lucy was a workhorse, and she made Simon repeat scene after scene. She must have perfection!
"Go faster, Simon! Be a man! Stop crying!"
"I'm just so happy...and this is hard exercise!"
"Shut up and kiss Robbie! Harder! Harder! Now the other place!"
"Bark, bark!" went a familiar dog. Simon looked down at Happy, who had been dyed completely pink.
"Oh yeah, I changed Happy a little."
"Cool..." said Simon. Happy lifted a leg and peed on the carpet.
"Bad dog! You're only supposed to do that do Dad's pillow!" said Lucy.
Annie didn't know where her children were. It was getting late and she had a huge dinner and no one was there to suck up to her! Those little bastards!
Finally, RevCam walked in, with Ruthie. Matt came in with his new friend, who he introduced as Gary. Gary looked quite stunning in his newly bought dark silk vest and dress shirt from Ralph Lauren. How clean he looks!, thought Annie.
"Well, I guess we can start without...oh, there they are!" Simon, Lucy, and Robbie walked in. Robbie's hair looked kind of weird, all pulled up into a wave.
"Are you using hair gel?" asked Annie.
"Um...yeah," said Robbie. "Hair gel..."
"I've been worried sick. How can you make me worry like this? How? How?? I work and I work and I fret and I fret...and this is the thanks I get..."
Eric rolled his eyes. "Oh, blahblahblah, blahblahblah," he concluded. "Annie, shut UP, already. Jesus Frikkin Christ!"
"How dare you?! I am your wife!"
"Good bye, city life!" sang Lucy.
"Green Acres WE ARE THEEEEEEEERE!" concluded Simon.
"Why?? Why?? Why is our family disintegrating???" cried out Annie, as she blubbered and beat a turkey leg against the table melodramatically. "I work and I work and I fret and I fret..."
"Laaa-ame! You already said that part!" said Lucy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Annie cried and cried.
"God, I married a waterfall!" exclaimed the RevCam.
Finally, Annie sucked it up and no one paid her any attention, so she just stared at her mashed potatoes. Just staring dully.
Matt comfortably began to make small talk. RevCam looked intently at his dinner, planning his world takeover.
"...and anyway I'm glad everyone's here because I have something to share..." Matt said, finishing his sentence. "You see..." he said, Gary patting his leg affectionately. "Gary and I are getting married."
Annie dropped her fork. "What???! NOOOOO! No! I thought...I thought...YOURE STRAIGHT!!!!"
"Oh, mom. Please," said Matt. "I mean...look at me."
"Don't worry, mom, it's totally genetic," said Simon. "I'm gay, too."
Annie's face crumpled. Her nose twitched.
"What is going ON, here???! Why are you doing this to me!!!"
Matt just smiled at Gary, all happy and dewy eyed. Gary planted a big wet one on Matt's lips.
"Don't you have anything to say about this???" Annie frantically asked RevCam.
"Matt, could you pass the peas?"
"Ok"
"Mom, don't freak out. If anything, you should be thanking us. We've been productive lately, and Matt's getting married. It's like a fairy tale!" said Lucy.
"Hey, Simon...should we tell her?..." asked Robbie.
"Zoom, zoom!" said Simon.
"Bark, bark!" went Happy.
"Yeah, I mean...if Simon and Robbie can be a couple, why not Matt and his plaything??"
"Matt is MY plaything, hon," said Gary.
Matt smiled effeminately. "It's true...he just has such a way with me...he can do whatever he wants with me."
"Oh, baby..." Gary said, stroking Matt's cheek.
Annie looked on in horror. But she didn't have time to react, because at that point, an entire police squad surrounded the house. Police sirens blared. Men marched all around the house.
"Come out with your hands up!!" boomed a voice.
"Oh great, they've come after Ruthie..." said Lucy.
"Damn fuzz." Said RevCam, getting out his Uzi from under the table. A shocked Annie watched him fire it through the window, causing a massive explosion on their front lawn. Teams dispersed and reacted by throwing in tear gas.
"Everybody, onto the roof!"
The Camdens all for some reason got up onto the roof, and all the cops in their riot gear positioned their guns on them.
"You can't make it. You must give yourselves up!"
At that point, Eric rubbed the charm around his neck. Using the forces of black magic, all of the cops were horrified when zombie dogs surrounded them, growling and dead. Also, fissures in the earth opened up as it shook and quaked.
"Trippy," said Lucy.
Chaos ensued on the ground below as teams worked to save one another from all the weirdness. Suddenly, for no reason, many of the cops started singing and dancing "YMCA" by the Village People. Dozens of cops sang and marched down the street with their new anthem.
A helicopter descended. Eric urged everybody onto it. His disciples had chosen the right time! Another helicopter came up, this time with government agents, who fired many missiles and blew up the Camden's brand new house. It exploded and made a big boom noise!
"Well, there goes another house!" exclaimed Lucy. All the children laughed as if it was a really frivolously cute sitcom joke.
Annie growled. "Where's Happy?" Annie asked.
"He ran out the door...he's probably going back to our porno studio..." answered Lucy. Oh what the heck, she thought. Might as well tell them. She was planning on moving out anyway!
Annies cries filled the air as the helicopter escaped. For some reason the government helicopter had to go off in another direction. This time to save people from an army of zombie dogs.
"Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!" commented Simon, after they were escorted to a secret compound on the edge of town.
"Simon!" Annie barked. "Are you on DRUGS again??"
"Relax, mom" said Lucy. "It's just acid. He's been starin' at stuff all day. That's all it does...he stared at my birth control pills for like an hour!"
Annie bitched and griped some more, muttering to herself as they walked. The Reverend, rather than explain any of his secret dealings motioned to one of his minions, and in no time, Annie was grabbed and a cloth placed over her face. She fell fast, fast asleep.
The NEXT DAY: (EVE OF ARMEGGEDON)
The RevCam and his family all vamoosed up to the church, because he had his plan and nothing would stop him now! With Annie and the twins and his children, he had had the look of normalcy for a way longer time than anyone could stand. Especially since they were all such buttinskies.
"Friends..." he said, starting the sermon. "I would like to thank you all for being here... For many years now, I've annoyed you, and butted into your lives, and been the voice" he said really sarcastically "of moral ethics and been an example" he said making the sign of quotation marks with his fingers. "But I'm soooo sick of it. What I want is control...no more of this nampy pampy control. No, soon I shall RULE over you as your lord!"
Patty Pool stood up from the audience. "Oh, I don't think this is appropriate at all!" RevCam waved his hand and Patty Pool exploded. A headless stump remained.
"Cool..." said Lucy.
"I am the power TO WHICH YOU WILL ALL BOW!!!" boomed Eric, who as he spoke, began to look upwards, his eyes glowing. Hurricane force winds started outside. Trees flew by in the gale force storm. The entire church shook as if it were an earthquake. People screamed as a whole and tried to get the door open to no avail.
Finally, things calmed down a little. Annie was screaming at Eric, and he just ignored her. "Babe, will you just calm down, already? Simon, do have any more pot with you?"
"Right here, dad!"
"This is madness, I tell you!" said Annie. "Can things possibly get any worse??"
Just then, a familiar voice rang out. "Hi guys...miss me?"
"Mary!" shouted her siblings.
"Hi guys...having fun??"
There was some silence. Mary's lesbian friend snapped her fingers. The spell over the children had already dissipated, so they were still insane acting, but it was now of their own accord. They had learned that living life was about having fun and laughing at their parents. But the magic spell they lifted was the weather one...daylight returned and people started looking up again from the seats they were cowering under.
"What do YOU MEAN?? WHY AREN'T YOU IN BUFFALO?!" Eric boomed.
"Cause it sucks? Don't you remember I left a month ago and had you go insane for a while?? Well while you were having your episode you became a cult leader..."
Eric was now losing power. He had been aligned with the forces of evil of late, and it was a strain. Plus Mary's witch friend was just more powerful.
"Oh, dad...you're so silly."
"What...what did you do to me??" asked Eric, kind of confused.
"We made you think you were more powerful than you were! It totally worked. Although we didn't anticipate how big the cult would be. That was pretty awesome, really. So what are your plans??"
"To rule over everything?"
"Same stuff, huh? Hmmm."
Mary started talking about herself at that point and everyone was getting slightly bored, when a voice echoed from across the room.
"Ec-scuse me. I am looking for Rev-er-end Camden."
The entire room full of people looked back. There, standing at the entrance was George Dubya Bush himself!
"Boooooooo!" said Simon. Annie hushed him.
"My God, it's the president!"
"I have come here to dis-pense this illegal check of mon-ey for your church," President Dubya began. "To fully meet all of your ree-ligous needs. And as you feed and clothe the poor, re-mem-ber to tell them they can receive them on-ly by registerizing Republican."
"Wow. Hey, look hon," said Mary. "A Bush. And not the kind we like!"
"Wow! President Bush! Why, he's just my biggest hero!" cried Annie. "He'll spray the gay out of America!"
Secret Service agents were now piling into the building. Bush walked up the carpet some ways.
"It is my hope...that this money...will win you over," said Bush. "when...my legistimatomy on the matter of eco-monic resource, and its recourse, has taken an unexpected turn. Instead, we must leap forward, using churches and setting aside...the Constitution."
"Oh blow it up your ass!" said Mary.
Bush scowled. The Reverend's eyes glowed and he smiled evilly looking at the check.
"You don't have the right, young lady!"
"Excuse me? I don't have the right? You aren't even legally president! And people thought I did illegal things with money!"
"I can do anything I please, and I'm putting you under arrest!"
Mary's witch lover gleefully turned the Secret Service agents into plates of Jello.
"You...you can't do this...I...I came here for publickity!"
"You mean publicity? Oh, you'll get it..."
"I am your leader!" insisted Bush.
"No, I'm your leader!" shouted Eric at everyone.
"Shut UP, dad."
"You can't do this..." said Bush pathetically, backing up. "Daddy! Jr to Dad, Jr, to Dad, come right away, there's something bad!"
"What a dork..." said Simon.
At this point, Ruthie ran around the room with scissors...just because she thought she could get away with it.
Then the hurricane started up again. Clouds came, torrential rains and thunder filled the sky. A hole was torn in the ceiling and Bush was hurled upwards by Mary's lovers magic. Happy came into the room, happily barking.
"Ill get you all!" yelled Bush "and your little dog, toooooooo!!!" A tornado then whisked him away to an alternate universe known as Oz aka Slashworld, where everyone is gay.
As the storm was dissipating and Mary and her friend were on their way out, a group of men entered the building. Armed with crossbows and stakes, they filled the sides of the room. Ruthie decided to give Happy a haircut.
"We are the Order of Byzantium!" shouted one of them. "We know what evil deeds you're up to, demon scum!"
"No...you don't understand...I wasn't possessed...I just had a little magic thrown my way...really!...I just wanted to take over the planet as a regular ol' human being!" said the Reverend.
"Aw, this guy's annoying...let's just shoot him!" shouted one.
"No, we must take him with us to test!" shouted another.
"Fools!" shouted the Reverend. "Soon this entire city will be flooded! I've set up a bomb at the waterworks! " The churchpeople gasped. "Isn't that right, Simon..."
"Oh...oops."
"Oops?? What do you mean 'oops'??!"
"I think I left it back there." Simon said pointing to the back room. "I got bored..."
"Everybody RUN!!!!" So everybody ran out, but the church didn't explode.
"Simon, where did you leave the bomb??"
"Oh, now I remember..."
At that point, the bomb exploded. Unfortunately it exploded at the local caramel factory. Gooey caramel oozed down the street and soon everyone's cars were trapped in the gooey substance. Not at all amused, they chanted bad things at the Reverend.
"Man, it looks like someone vomited all over Glenoak!" exclaimed Mary.
The leader of the Knights of Byzantium agreed that the Rev was a bad man. They tied up the Reverend, and gagged him. His children cheered and high-fived one another. Simon lit up a joint. Annie had by this time passed out.
Anyway. The Camkids moved into a house together and shared the rent and made more pornos and Annie wound up bitching a lot with her fellow church groupies. The RevCam wound up in a jail cell in an underground chamber somewhere in England. In the dank halls, he was fed, but kept there so he couldn't attempt any world taking-overing. Rats squeaked and skulls grinned at him. Yep, this sucked.
And everyone lived totally differently ever after.
The End.
The Camdens TRIP INTO EVIL!!!
Author's Note: Hi! I'd just like to thank the many people that have supported this idea. I wanted to write something really funny and I think I succeeded.
This one if for you, Mary! (mwa ha ha!)
Annie marched into the room just as RevCam was dozing off to sleep; a newspaper covering half his face.
"Our daughter has a poster of Ricki Martin in his room!!!" she screeched.
"So?" RevCam said, groggily rubbing his eyes.
"So he's a giant fruit, that's what! We can't have our children having gay role models! The world will end! End!"
"That's nice Annie...why don't you go to the local food drive...I'm sure they could use someone to yell at people there..."
Annie pondered this. Why, yes, that was a good idea! "All right," she said. "I will go. For I am: Annie, the Wondermom!" And she stormed out of the room.
"You forgot your cape-oh, never mind..." said the RevCam, loafing back to his chair.
The Camden's new home was just like their old one...their old one having been torched by the RevCam while insane the month before. But they lied and collected a big ol' insurance check, and by sheer coincidence, the architect that built this house had been the same one to design the old one. He wasn't that original...
So RevCam was snugly sitting down when all of a sudden, men broke into his house. They tied him up and gagged him. If his children were there, they would most likely thank these strangers...
Meanwhile, Simon was off somewhere trying to be cool. He was wearing a big bandana made from seran wrap and paper towels on his head (because Annie wouldn't let him wear cloth on his head; she thought he might get lice and give it to Ruthie. And the dog) So Simon was pretending that his life was worth living when all of a sudden his friends came over. His new friends were of course gang members who he'd been secretly hanging out with.
"Hey Simon...wanna try some acid??"
"Aw, man! You brought acid into my house??? My mom would kill me!"
"So are you gonna try some?"
"Well...you'll be my friends, right?"
"Of course, dude."
"Ok!"
"Here man...just try this...It'll bring you to a whole new world..."
Across the street from their brand spanking new home, Mary watched through binoculars.
"Everything is going perfectly! Are you sure the spell will work again??"
"Yeah, babe," said her lesbian girlfriend. "I just don't see why you would want to...I mean we screwed them up pretty bad the first time..."
"I'm bored!" snapped Mary. "And besides, it's fun!"
"Oh yeah..." her lesbian girlfriend said, smiling. "But remember, it's still temporary. It only makes them enact their darkest desires for a while..."
"Yes," said Mary, "and it also enhances them...this is more fun than an Eminem concert! Whoo!"
Meanwhile, RevCam was kidnapped and taken to a warehouse by thugs. They took off the blindfold and gag and he faced them, tied to a chair.
"What do you want with me?? Please don't hurt me. I have daughters...you can have them!"
"Shut up! We're sick of this. You're not going to be speaking at any more sermons unless WE think it's okay..."
"Who are you??"
"Us?" said one of the three men. "We're your welcome party...Boys??" For a minute, RevCam was afraid they would take off their belts and reenact Deliverance. Instead they lifted up the chair and took it into a back room, where they descended down a bunch of stone stairs and into a candlelit room, full of weird guys chanting and wearing red robes.
"The preacher man is here!"
"Preacher man! Preacher man!"
"What is this? Who are you?! I want my mommy!" shouted RevCam.
"We are your cult, sir. You don't remember us???" someone asked.
"Bring the blood of Kali!!!" A hooded guy brought out a Tupperware dish full of icky looking blood.
"After this you'll need a Tums, look out stomach, here it comes!" said the main, sandy haired young man who had been speaking. Eric was forced to drink.
"Is it all coming back to you now??" Eric looked dopey for a while, and his head swayed back and forth.
"Yes! Now untie me! We have work to do! Oh my young apprentice, soon all will be ours! All! A HA HA! A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" His evil cronies laughed similarly.
Simon looked around the room. "WHHHHHHHHOA!" he said. "Perty bird, perty bird...la la ala la la la a-la la la. Caw! Caw caw! Caw!"
Lucy walked into the room at that point.
"Caw!" cawed Simon.
"What the hell??" she said. Simon rushed over and began pecking his nose against her leg and flapping his arms. Then he got up and stared her in the eye. "Simon what is wrong with you??"
"What isn't?" said one of Simon's friends, lying on the floor, smoking a joint and petting Happy.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she screeched.
Simon looked at her confused. "Awwwwwwww...you CARE about me. " he said, genuinely touched. And then: "I need bird seed, dammit! Caw, caw, caw!"
"Oh my God, are you on drugs?!"
"A whole new WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!" Simon sang, stretching out his arms and swinging in circles. and then tripping (in so many ways) over a couch cushion lying on the floor and landed on his face, laughing.
"Man, not again," said Lucy pouting. "But then again, Dad will bust him and I'll be the new favorite! Yes! I'm the favorite! I'm the smart one!" and with that she decided to relax and watch TV.
Meanwhile, at the food drive, many people were being berated by Annie's good nature.
"Mrs. Smith, I have to say...you just aren't doing enough to keep your husband happy in your marriage..."
The woman gathering cans looked up at her. "Do I know you??"
"No, but that's never important. What's important is, I know more than you do because I'm a better wife. I thought I'd share my wisdom and maybe you can keep your husband if you're lucky."
"Look, honey" began the large Hispanic woman. "I don' know you, but you better back it up and stay clear of me. I can do serious damage..."
"Oh but you already have!" wailed Annie. "Your husband talked to me earlier. He said you just aren't there for him enough..."
"I have to go to work!"
"Work?? Oh, but you're a woman! A married one!"
"Are you stupid or just fundamentalist??"
"She's both!" shouted someone from behind them. It was the pot smoking guy from that one episode! But Annie couldn't remember his name so she just called him Pot Guy.
"Hey Pot Guy, stay out of this! I'm trying to help this woman with God's word!" Annie said triumphantly. "And you know you should really do something about your weight...men don't like a plump woman..."
"That's it!" yelled the woman, picking up various food products and flinging them at Annie. "Ooooh, Hershey's syrup!" she said, taking the cap off and flinging it all over Annie, who freaked out and cursed.
"AAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Annie as she ran away from the table, the large woman hurling rolls at her as she fled. Annie suddenly turned back on the woman and rushed her, the two falling down on the grass, rolling around, clutching one another's arms.
"Bitch!"
"Shut up, whore!"
They rolled around and around, churchgoers and hungry people both looking on in horror.
"Coool," said Pot Guy, smiling and shaking his head. "You know, you are very cool God," he said, looking up.
Anyway, so Annie was fighting and suddenly it occurred to her that this woman was even on birth control! Damn her! So many sins! So she took some rolls and was about to hurl them when she slipped on a can of peaches.
Just then, from out of nowhere, Dobermans raced across the lawn and people screamed as they made their way to Annie. They snarled and growled and looked insane. Annie whimpered and then got up, fleeing as they chased her.
"Wow, that was cool!" said Pot Guy.
Meanwhile, Simon was experimenting with decorating their new house with crayon. The walls, the ceiling, the mirrors, the car, Ruthie, the VCR...everything was his canvas. Of course he tried eating the crayons afterwards but Lucy wouldn't let him. His friends she had long thrown out.
"Where's mom, anyway??" asked Lucy aloud.
"Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah!" she heard. Annie burst through the door, her dress covered in mud and sticks and branches in her hair. "The dogs...chased me...didn't like it! Everyone a heathen!" she wailed.
"Here, let me help you!" said Lucy. Lucy sucked up to her mom big time. She no longer wore goth clothes like she did when Mary had visited last. She was a spiffy young girl with goals and values. Or so they thought, thought Lucy.
Lucy ran a bath and Annie was left to her own devices. Annie played soothing music and used soap made by orphans in a sweatshop somewhere...
Meanwhile, at his supposed college, Matt walked down a hallway.
"Hey there, tiger," a very good looking young jock said, addressing him. (and also undressing him...with his eyes...hello!)
"Oh, hi Gary...I uh...have to be somewhere..."
Gary lounged in front of Matt, leaning into the wall. "Hey, no hurry or anything..." he said, and ran his hand smoothly against Matt's chest. "No hurry..." Matt moaned slightly. He felt himself getting so hard.
"I can respect your wishes, but...sooner or later I know you'll be coming, handsome." He pinched Matt's cheek slightly. "Does my wittle guy feel awone at all?"
"No. I...I'm fine...I'm trying to date this girl..."
"Oh Matt, you're always trying to date some girl. But you never can. You come on so strong and chase them away. Because you're just trying to cover up, bud. But if you come near my place, you never have to do that... But with me," he said, grabbing Matt's hand and clutching his own crotch with it, "Well, you know you can be as vocal and as strong as you want..."
"Oh God...Oh God..."
"That's right, baby...I'm here...God sent me to you, my little angel."
"You are so hot. You're everything I want. God, I just want to run my hands all over you..."
"Well then what's stopping you??" Gary said, sounding bemused. "Just hop a ride on Gary, flight nonstop..." he added.
Gary led Matt away back to his room with his pinky.
He's so romantic!, thought Matt, holding Gary's hand, smiling like an idiot.
They walked into the room and Gary slipped in a CD. The song "The only boy that could ever teach me...was the son of a preacher man" played.
"All aboard..." said Gary.
Across town, RevCam prepared for his power struggle.
"Soon my minions...soon we shall have everything just exactly as it should be! All hail, the powerful dark lord!"
"Dark lord! Dark lord!" the room full of hooded minions chanted.
Annie, taking a break from the house, trounced up the street to the local supermarket, right across the street from the lamest movie theater on earth, which apparently never showed anything from the recent past 50 years.
I love that theater, she thought.
Inside, the supermarket was filled with happy shoppers and happy children happily running through the store like kamikake fighters. One of the children playing nearly bumped into Annie.
What terrible parents that child must have!, she thought.
"Um, excuse me, aren't you Annie Camden??" a voice said from behind her.
"Why yes!" she said. "What is it? Are you in need? Do you need guidance? Butting in? Im good at butting in..."
"Oh well...actually your car is being towed away..."
"WHAT???" Annie said, pushing him aside violently because she was such a shrew.
Outside, a tow truck ran off with her car. Just then, due to a horrible coincidence, a runaway tank ran across the street from the freeway and rammed the tow truck and her car. Her car was flattened, utterly squashed.
"MY RELIGIOUS PAMPHLETS!!!!" she cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
She ran up to the scene. From inside the tank popped up...Ruthie!!
"Ruthie, what are you doing in that tank?! Come down here right this instant!"
"Oh, okay" Ruthie said reluctantly. "You never let me have any fun..."
Annie yanked her daughter off to the nearest bus stop, yelling all the while. Finally, a bunch of bumbs stepped up to ask her to keep it down. One of them was going deaf due to Annie's screeching.
Apparently Ruthie was really bored that day and no one knew or cared about her whereabouts. When Annie got home, the RevCam was looking at the twins downstairs, both of them giggling innocently.
"You will not believe what your daughter did today! She stole a tank and crushed our car!!!"
"Oh, you always overreact." Eric said, disgustedly. "How's my precious little angel??" he said to Ruthie.
"Fine, daddy!"
"She crushed our car! We have no car!"
"Oh, can it! I can always embezzle more money. Go do the laundry or bark at Simon or something..."
"I can't stand this! I will not tolerate this!" she said, walking out of the room, her hair swaying back and forth, back and forth.
"Bitch..." said Eric. "But she's necessary for the plan. Soon, the stars will be in alignment and the world will be ours...A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Ruthie grinned malevolently alongside her father. One of the twins spewed (a really big continuous evil stream of spew that is) and pea baby food went all over them both.
"Ew!" said Ruthie.
"Oh, gross!" said Eric. "Oh, but I forgot...where's Simon. I need him to do something..."
Just then, Simon came bounding down the stairs.
"This looks like a job..." he said "FOR DUCK DODGERS...OF THE TWENTY FOURTH...AND A HALF...CENTHURY!!!!" Simon was wearing an old purple Halloween cape. He came across the room to a confused Eric. "We have to hide from the little people. The little people are bad. Caw! Got to find the white rabbit! Follow the white rabbit!" Then Simon began hopping around the room like a bunny rabbit.
"Knock it off!" said Eric. "You have work to do. Take this bomb...er...suitcase full of...church...stuff...and hide it at the local dam.
"Damn right I will! To the dam, dammit!" said Simon. Simon tried opening the door but instead he just stared at it. "Whooooooooa," he said. "Look at that knob. Knobby! Ha ha! Knob, knob! You're a good knob! What's that? Follow the white rabbit??"
"Simon! Pay attention! Uh...the white rabbit went to the waterworks...his lettuce is in the briefcase. So don't open it, just take it there right away..."
"Aye aye, cap'n!" said Simon, as he then proceeded to walk into the door.
RevCam rolled his eyes. He opened the door for his son, who hopped like a bunny across the lawn.
"Well that takes care of part of my plan..."
"Daddy, can I have France when you're through??" asked Ruthie.
"Maybe sweetie. Maybe...we'll talk."
Matt phone called just then. Annie answered. Matt wanted to know if he could bring a friend for dinner. Annie answered affirmatively. Later, she tried to find Lucy, but couldn't. She decided to make a huge dinner anyway. Everything was going to go HER way from now on. She was tired of people running around without her permission. When Lucy got home, she would put a lock on her door and install a video camera to watch her daughters every move!
But alas, Lucy never showed up that night. She was across town. When she saw Simon (who had by that time already made his delivery) she knew she had to ask him just right. She was involved in a new little project. She had long decided that college wasn't the path to money. The path to money was sin! But her parents didn't need to know that. For now she was still the favorite.
She convinced Simon to follow her to an out of the way apartment. With her boyfriend Steve, who had recently replaced Ty, Dave, and Fergis as her current bestest boyfriend (although she still saw the others...what the heck, you only live once!, she thought) they had gotten several people together to create their very own porno movie.
Simon looked at all the cameras and equipment.
"Now remember Simon. All you have to do his have sex with Robbie, and you'll make $500 bucks. How does that sound?"
"I don't know...kind of good. I guess..."
"Good. Are you gay, by the way?"
"Enh. I'll do anything for 500 bucks. But I guess I go both ways...":
"Perfect! I'll schedule you to do an orgy with Samantha and Tina tomorrow. But for now..." she said, and motioned towards the bed, removing one of the silk curtains. "Meet your porno co star!" Robbie lay there on the sheets, looking demurely up at Simon in his pink lingerie. "Hi, stud..." he said.
Lucy was a workhorse, and she made Simon repeat scene after scene. She must have perfection!
"Go faster, Simon! Be a man! Stop crying!"
"I'm just so happy...and this is hard exercise!"
"Shut up and kiss Robbie! Harder! Harder! Now the other place!"
"Bark, bark!" went a familiar dog. Simon looked down at Happy, who had been dyed completely pink.
"Oh yeah, I changed Happy a little."
"Cool..." said Simon. Happy lifted a leg and peed on the carpet.
"Bad dog! You're only supposed to do that do Dad's pillow!" said Lucy.
Annie didn't know where her children were. It was getting late and she had a huge dinner and no one was there to suck up to her! Those little bastards!
Finally, RevCam walked in, with Ruthie. Matt came in with his new friend, who he introduced as Gary. Gary looked quite stunning in his newly bought dark silk vest and dress shirt from Ralph Lauren. How clean he looks!, thought Annie.
"Well, I guess we can start without...oh, there they are!" Simon, Lucy, and Robbie walked in. Robbie's hair looked kind of weird, all pulled up into a wave.
"Are you using hair gel?" asked Annie.
"Um...yeah," said Robbie. "Hair gel..."
"I've been worried sick. How can you make me worry like this? How? How?? I work and I work and I fret and I fret...and this is the thanks I get..."
Eric rolled his eyes. "Oh, blahblahblah, blahblahblah," he concluded. "Annie, shut UP, already. Jesus Frikkin Christ!"
"How dare you?! I am your wife!"
"Good bye, city life!" sang Lucy.
"Green Acres WE ARE THEEEEEEEERE!" concluded Simon.
"Why?? Why?? Why is our family disintegrating???" cried out Annie, as she blubbered and beat a turkey leg against the table melodramatically. "I work and I work and I fret and I fret..."
"Laaa-ame! You already said that part!" said Lucy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Annie cried and cried.
"God, I married a waterfall!" exclaimed the RevCam.
Finally, Annie sucked it up and no one paid her any attention, so she just stared at her mashed potatoes. Just staring dully.
Matt comfortably began to make small talk. RevCam looked intently at his dinner, planning his world takeover.
"...and anyway I'm glad everyone's here because I have something to share..." Matt said, finishing his sentence. "You see..." he said, Gary patting his leg affectionately. "Gary and I are getting married."
Annie dropped her fork. "What???! NOOOOO! No! I thought...I thought...YOURE STRAIGHT!!!!"
"Oh, mom. Please," said Matt. "I mean...look at me."
"Don't worry, mom, it's totally genetic," said Simon. "I'm gay, too."
Annie's face crumpled. Her nose twitched.
"What is going ON, here???! Why are you doing this to me!!!"
Matt just smiled at Gary, all happy and dewy eyed. Gary planted a big wet one on Matt's lips.
"Don't you have anything to say about this???" Annie frantically asked RevCam.
"Matt, could you pass the peas?"
"Ok"
"Mom, don't freak out. If anything, you should be thanking us. We've been productive lately, and Matt's getting married. It's like a fairy tale!" said Lucy.
"Hey, Simon...should we tell her?..." asked Robbie.
"Zoom, zoom!" said Simon.
"Bark, bark!" went Happy.
"Yeah, I mean...if Simon and Robbie can be a couple, why not Matt and his plaything??"
"Matt is MY plaything, hon," said Gary.
Matt smiled effeminately. "It's true...he just has such a way with me...he can do whatever he wants with me."
"Oh, baby..." Gary said, stroking Matt's cheek.
Annie looked on in horror. But she didn't have time to react, because at that point, an entire police squad surrounded the house. Police sirens blared. Men marched all around the house.
"Come out with your hands up!!" boomed a voice.
"Oh great, they've come after Ruthie..." said Lucy.
"Damn fuzz." Said RevCam, getting out his Uzi from under the table. A shocked Annie watched him fire it through the window, causing a massive explosion on their front lawn. Teams dispersed and reacted by throwing in tear gas.
"Everybody, onto the roof!"
The Camdens all for some reason got up onto the roof, and all the cops in their riot gear positioned their guns on them.
"You can't make it. You must give yourselves up!"
At that point, Eric rubbed the charm around his neck. Using the forces of black magic, all of the cops were horrified when zombie dogs surrounded them, growling and dead. Also, fissures in the earth opened up as it shook and quaked.
"Trippy," said Lucy.
Chaos ensued on the ground below as teams worked to save one another from all the weirdness. Suddenly, for no reason, many of the cops started singing and dancing "YMCA" by the Village People. Dozens of cops sang and marched down the street with their new anthem.
A helicopter descended. Eric urged everybody onto it. His disciples had chosen the right time! Another helicopter came up, this time with government agents, who fired many missiles and blew up the Camden's brand new house. It exploded and made a big boom noise!
"Well, there goes another house!" exclaimed Lucy. All the children laughed as if it was a really frivolously cute sitcom joke.
Annie growled. "Where's Happy?" Annie asked.
"He ran out the door...he's probably going back to our porno studio..." answered Lucy. Oh what the heck, she thought. Might as well tell them. She was planning on moving out anyway!
Annies cries filled the air as the helicopter escaped. For some reason the government helicopter had to go off in another direction. This time to save people from an army of zombie dogs.
"Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!" commented Simon, after they were escorted to a secret compound on the edge of town.
"Simon!" Annie barked. "Are you on DRUGS again??"
"Relax, mom" said Lucy. "It's just acid. He's been starin' at stuff all day. That's all it does...he stared at my birth control pills for like an hour!"
Annie bitched and griped some more, muttering to herself as they walked. The Reverend, rather than explain any of his secret dealings motioned to one of his minions, and in no time, Annie was grabbed and a cloth placed over her face. She fell fast, fast asleep.
The NEXT DAY: (EVE OF ARMEGGEDON)
The RevCam and his family all vamoosed up to the church, because he had his plan and nothing would stop him now! With Annie and the twins and his children, he had had the look of normalcy for a way longer time than anyone could stand. Especially since they were all such buttinskies.
"Friends..." he said, starting the sermon. "I would like to thank you all for being here... For many years now, I've annoyed you, and butted into your lives, and been the voice" he said really sarcastically "of moral ethics and been an example" he said making the sign of quotation marks with his fingers. "But I'm soooo sick of it. What I want is control...no more of this nampy pampy control. No, soon I shall RULE over you as your lord!"
Patty Pool stood up from the audience. "Oh, I don't think this is appropriate at all!" RevCam waved his hand and Patty Pool exploded. A headless stump remained.
"Cool..." said Lucy.
"I am the power TO WHICH YOU WILL ALL BOW!!!" boomed Eric, who as he spoke, began to look upwards, his eyes glowing. Hurricane force winds started outside. Trees flew by in the gale force storm. The entire church shook as if it were an earthquake. People screamed as a whole and tried to get the door open to no avail.
Finally, things calmed down a little. Annie was screaming at Eric, and he just ignored her. "Babe, will you just calm down, already? Simon, do have any more pot with you?"
"Right here, dad!"
"This is madness, I tell you!" said Annie. "Can things possibly get any worse??"
Just then, a familiar voice rang out. "Hi guys...miss me?"
"Mary!" shouted her siblings.
"Hi guys...having fun??"
There was some silence. Mary's lesbian friend snapped her fingers. The spell over the children had already dissipated, so they were still insane acting, but it was now of their own accord. They had learned that living life was about having fun and laughing at their parents. But the magic spell they lifted was the weather one...daylight returned and people started looking up again from the seats they were cowering under.
"What do YOU MEAN?? WHY AREN'T YOU IN BUFFALO?!" Eric boomed.
"Cause it sucks? Don't you remember I left a month ago and had you go insane for a while?? Well while you were having your episode you became a cult leader..."
Eric was now losing power. He had been aligned with the forces of evil of late, and it was a strain. Plus Mary's witch friend was just more powerful.
"Oh, dad...you're so silly."
"What...what did you do to me??" asked Eric, kind of confused.
"We made you think you were more powerful than you were! It totally worked. Although we didn't anticipate how big the cult would be. That was pretty awesome, really. So what are your plans??"
"To rule over everything?"
"Same stuff, huh? Hmmm."
Mary started talking about herself at that point and everyone was getting slightly bored, when a voice echoed from across the room.
"Ec-scuse me. I am looking for Rev-er-end Camden."
The entire room full of people looked back. There, standing at the entrance was George Dubya Bush himself!
"Boooooooo!" said Simon. Annie hushed him.
"My God, it's the president!"
"I have come here to dis-pense this illegal check of mon-ey for your church," President Dubya began. "To fully meet all of your ree-ligous needs. And as you feed and clothe the poor, re-mem-ber to tell them they can receive them on-ly by registerizing Republican."
"Wow. Hey, look hon," said Mary. "A Bush. And not the kind we like!"
"Wow! President Bush! Why, he's just my biggest hero!" cried Annie. "He'll spray the gay out of America!"
Secret Service agents were now piling into the building. Bush walked up the carpet some ways.
"It is my hope...that this money...will win you over," said Bush. "when...my legistimatomy on the matter of eco-monic resource, and its recourse, has taken an unexpected turn. Instead, we must leap forward, using churches and setting aside...the Constitution."
"Oh blow it up your ass!" said Mary.
Bush scowled. The Reverend's eyes glowed and he smiled evilly looking at the check.
"You don't have the right, young lady!"
"Excuse me? I don't have the right? You aren't even legally president! And people thought I did illegal things with money!"
"I can do anything I please, and I'm putting you under arrest!"
Mary's witch lover gleefully turned the Secret Service agents into plates of Jello.
"You...you can't do this...I...I came here for publickity!"
"You mean publicity? Oh, you'll get it..."
"I am your leader!" insisted Bush.
"No, I'm your leader!" shouted Eric at everyone.
"Shut UP, dad."
"You can't do this..." said Bush pathetically, backing up. "Daddy! Jr to Dad, Jr, to Dad, come right away, there's something bad!"
"What a dork..." said Simon.
At this point, Ruthie ran around the room with scissors...just because she thought she could get away with it.
Then the hurricane started up again. Clouds came, torrential rains and thunder filled the sky. A hole was torn in the ceiling and Bush was hurled upwards by Mary's lovers magic. Happy came into the room, happily barking.
"Ill get you all!" yelled Bush "and your little dog, toooooooo!!!" A tornado then whisked him away to an alternate universe known as Oz aka Slashworld, where everyone is gay.
As the storm was dissipating and Mary and her friend were on their way out, a group of men entered the building. Armed with crossbows and stakes, they filled the sides of the room. Ruthie decided to give Happy a haircut.
"We are the Order of Byzantium!" shouted one of them. "We know what evil deeds you're up to, demon scum!"
"No...you don't understand...I wasn't possessed...I just had a little magic thrown my way...really!...I just wanted to take over the planet as a regular ol' human being!" said the Reverend.
"Aw, this guy's annoying...let's just shoot him!" shouted one.
"No, we must take him with us to test!" shouted another.
"Fools!" shouted the Reverend. "Soon this entire city will be flooded! I've set up a bomb at the waterworks! " The churchpeople gasped. "Isn't that right, Simon..."
"Oh...oops."
"Oops?? What do you mean 'oops'??!"
"I think I left it back there." Simon said pointing to the back room. "I got bored..."
"Everybody RUN!!!!" So everybody ran out, but the church didn't explode.
"Simon, where did you leave the bomb??"
"Oh, now I remember..."
At that point, the bomb exploded. Unfortunately it exploded at the local caramel factory. Gooey caramel oozed down the street and soon everyone's cars were trapped in the gooey substance. Not at all amused, they chanted bad things at the Reverend.
"Man, it looks like someone vomited all over Glenoak!" exclaimed Mary.
The leader of the Knights of Byzantium agreed that the Rev was a bad man. They tied up the Reverend, and gagged him. His children cheered and high-fived one another. Simon lit up a joint. Annie had by this time passed out.
Anyway. The Camkids moved into a house together and shared the rent and made more pornos and Annie wound up bitching a lot with her fellow church groupies. The RevCam wound up in a jail cell in an underground chamber somewhere in England. In the dank halls, he was fed, but kept there so he couldn't attempt any world taking-overing. Rats squeaked and skulls grinned at him. Yep, this sucked.
And everyone lived totally differently ever after.
The End.