I wrote this for Yuletide. Thanks for reading!
Christmas Eve, 2009...
Kathleen stared at her ever-present laptop, not sure what her 140 word limit should say. How could she possibly express her feelings with so few words? She didn't understand kids today and their methods of communication. Though she did technically meet Joe through the miracle of modern technology, the fads of the day were always a mystery to her. But her ten-year-old daughter CeeCee had a twitter page as did all of her daughter's friends, so Kathleen had one, too-if only to monitor her daughter's activities.
"Today I miss my mother so much that I could hardly get out of bed," she wrote, and then laughed at herself and deleted it. She didn't understand the point of Twitter but was pretty sure that mourning her long-gone mother wasn't what her followers-most of them fans of her books-had in mind.
Kathleen took a sip of her hot chocolate and looked into the cozy living room at the huge Christmas tree that she and Joe picked out a few weeks ago. She focused on the lights and the gifts and the ornaments and took a deep breath. Christmas, even after so many years, was still a challenge. But having her family by her side always made things better. Before Joe came along, she struggled to find inner peace on her own, but over the years, he had proven to her time and time again that he knew Christmas was hard for her, and he was going to do whatever it took to make her smile.
Joe and CeeCee would be back from their last minute Christmas shopping extravaganza soon enough. She took another look at the empty box on her computer screen and finally wrote, "Can't wait for Joe and CeeCee to come back! I want snuggles!" That ought to be sufficient, although it didn't even scratch the surface of her current emotional state.
She closed the Twitter window and opened the latest draft of the book she was currently working on. When Shop Around the Corner closed, Kathleen started writing, something she didn't even know she knew how to do. But then she and Joe started dating and she was wrapped up in that, and soon after that the lease on her apartment was up and Joe asked her to move in. While she was hesitant at the idea of moving forward in the relationship at such a fast pace, Joe made everything so easy. He was always putting her at ease when she got into one of her nervous semi-panic attacks. There was something very calming about him when they weren't constantly at odds with each other, as they were upon first meeting. Being with Joe; just sitting at home and reading the paper or watching an old movie together, became second nature to her, and she found she didn't even want to go home that much anymore. So they moved in together and it was lovely, except for the fact that she kept procrastinating with the writing process until Joe couldn't stand to see Kathleen beat herself up about it any longer.
So one night at dinner over a sausage and mushroom pizza, he decided to give her a much-needed intervention.
"What happened to your book?" Joe asked carefully, watching as Kathleen nervously took a swig of beer. "You haven't mentioned it lately, and I don't think I've seen you write anything for a while. Even Patricia called and asked about the status."
Kathleen shook her head, not sure what kind of defence she could give on her behalf.
"Look, If this is your dream, we're going to make it happen," Joe told her. "If nothing else, we can sell it at the bookstore in the kid's section. You know George would sell the crap out of it, even if it's just a computer print-out stapled together. Customers won't be able to sleep at night until they've bought five books, with that guy doing the selling."
While Kathleen was still in the "wow, isn't he cute?" stage of the relationship, the one thing that always drove her crazy about Joe Fox was how his focus was always on how much money could be made. It was his natural state of mind; it couldn't be helped, but it still made her crazy. Instead of keeping that information to herself, she decided to speak her mind. If there was one thing she was learning to do in this relationship of hers, it was that.
"Joe, I am grateful that you're already thinking about selling the book that I haven't even finished writing yet, but I need you to be supportive of the actual process before you start hearing the dinging of the cash registers. Could you please do that for me?"
Joe looked like she punched him in the gut for a second, but recovered quickly.
"Of course I can do that," he said after a moment. "You're right. I do think too much about the bottom line. I'll work on fixing that, for the good of the relationship. But I want you to start writing again. It makes you happy. And you know what? I like to see you happy."
She had laughed, and they kissed to seal the deal, which made her forget about the conversation very quickly. Kissing Joe was on top of her list of favorite things to do. He was just...so good at it.
To help in Kathleen's book writing journey, Joe arranged a Storytime Hour at Fox Books every Friday afternoon, and when she was reading in front of all those curious, brilliant kids (and not to mention how they were completely captivated by her), she was hit by inspiration. That very Friday night, she went home and started feverishly writing. She continued her story about a girl, Olivia, who likes to tell outlandish stories to her classmates. The story was finished in a week. After talking to an editor or two, "The Olivia Chronicles" had a book deal, and Kathleen had been writing about little Olivia ever since.
Shortly after the book came out, Kathleen and Joe sat down at their kitchen table, Brinkley snoring nearby, and had a chat about "where it was all going."
"I realize we are both no longer spring chickens," he said, looking down at his bottle of beer. She wished he would look her in the eye, but it seemed like he was gathering the nerve to say something important, so she let it go. "My dad once asked me if I ever met anyone who fills my heart with joy. I couldn't think of anyone else...but you. We live together, and it's been working out well. Brinkley likes you, which is important. I think we should get married. And I think we should do it soon. And I think we should also talk about having children, because I know the clock is ticking and all that." He exhaled, as if he hadn't taken a breath since he started that long diatribe. He was just so cute, Kathleen could hardly stand it.
She took his hand in hers and said, "I would love to get married to you, Joe. And I want to have a child, sooner rather than later. But the one thing that I've always wanted to do is adopt. And since, as you said, we're not spring chickens, that's probably the best option for us right now. What do you think?"
Joe finally looked up from his beer and smiled most adorably. And a year later, they adopted a one-year old girl they named Cecilia, got married in a ceremony with their dearest friends and relatives, and moved to an apartment in Chelsea, because Kathleen was always inspired by the artistic reputation of the area. She wanted her daughter to be brought up in a world filled with art and literature and love and laughter, just like she had.
Reminiscing about the past was always Kathleen's way of procrastinating the writing process. Back in the present, she tried to swallow the lump in her throat and continued writing Olivia's latest adventure. Barkley, the Golden Retriever they adopted shortly after Brinkley, at age 12, passed away, got up from his doggie bed when he heard the unmistakable sounds of keys in the door. Shortly after, Joe and CeeCee came storming through the living room, dozens of bags in their arms, smiling from ear to ear.
"Look what we got, Mom," CeeCee said, rushing over to Kathleen, giving her a big hug. Oh, her daughter was the best at giving hugs.
"What did you get?" Kathleen asked, taking the bag CeeCee was holding out. Her daughter was the proud owner of yet another goldfish. "Oh, my goodness! Well, add this one to the tank," she said, grinning up at Joe, who was smiling back.
CeeCee ran to the fish tank and added the new one to the collection. "What's this one's name?" Kathleen asked.
"We decided to name it Rihanna," Joe said. "I don't know what that is, but apparently it's a singer of some kind."
CeeCee rolled her eyes, and then asked her parents, "Can I get on the computer, please?"
"Yes, but only for a few minutes," Joe said. "And NO Facebook, do you understand?" Joe was so paranoid about his daughter getting in trouble online that he only allowed her to get on Facebook when he was in the same room, keeping a close eye on her activities. This drove her crazy, obviously, but she understood (for the most part) that her parents were just trying to keep her safe.
"Whatever!" She said, and skipped away to her room. Joe exhaled, and Kathleen knew he was never exactly sure whether he was doing the right thing by his young daughter. He was a great father, but he was always doubting himself.
"Hi," he said, giving Kathleen his standard "I've missed you" peck on the lips. She pulled him in closer for a longer kiss; he obeyed.
"Well, that's something we should look into later," he said, winking at her. They both chuckled. "So what's the plan tonight? Dinner and then the holiday party at Frank and Sydney Anne's?"
Kathleen groaned. "Oh, Joe, I'm not in the mood for them tonight. I mean, really, are you?"
"I haven't been in the mood to go to their house since 2002. But I would go if you want to. Sydney Anne always makes the best garnishes."
She laughed, but it was not her usual, bubbly, easy-going happy laugh. And that was all it took for Joe to know something was wrong. Instead of asking her; instead of stating the obvious, he crouched down and took her hand. She looked up at him with tears brewing in her eyes.
"Let's stay in tonight, okay? CeeCee and I will make you breakfast at dinner. She can make the eggs. I'll make some French toast and bacon. Come on, you know she loves to do that for her mom. And then we'll listen to some Joni Mitchell when she goes to sleep, and you can talk about it if you want to, okay?" He kissed her forehead.
When Kathleen met Joe all those years ago, she'd never have guessed that he had such a romantic side to him. In fact, she thought he was pretty much the most obnoxious person she'd ever met. But he wore her down and after a while, she realized that the same person she was fighting against loving was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He knew her so well, and continued to surprise her with his patience and love. In return, she tried to support him and his goals and even his store as much as she could find it in herself to do so, which wasn't always easy. But they two of them, once they found their groove, balanced each other nicely and worked well as a team.
Kathleen buried her head in Joe's shoulder and they sat still for a few minutes, enjoying each other's company. Then Joe retrieved CeeCee and they made breakfast for dinner while Kathleen did the crossword puzzle and enjoyed the sounds of her husband and daughter being noisy in the kitchen. They watched "A Christmas Story" together on the big sofa and then it was bedtime for CeeCee. Their daughter liked to act wise beyond her years, but when it came time for bed, CeeCee was always asleep by the time her head hit the pillow.
Kathleen and Joe retreated to the kitchen to do the dishes. "Feel better?" He asked as he rinsed off a plate. Before they moved in together, Kathleen was sure Joe had never even used an oven in his entire life. But she taught him the very basics of cooking and he begrudgingly helped with the cleaning afterwards. These days, it wasn't a surprise to find him in the kitchen on a Saturday morning, simultaneously making pancakes and baking a pie. Kathleen had unlocked some domestic part of him, and now they were both reaping the benefits.
She knew she could say she felt just fine and Joe would believe her and drop the subject. He wasn't one to push, even if she could tell he wanted to. But although her husband and daughter made her happy for the time being, she still found herself in state of sadness that couldn't be easily swept away.
"One year for Christmas, my mom took me out to see the Christmas lights," she said, letting herself feel the wave of emotion. "We stayed out for hours and hours looking at every block; each neighborhood was the same but different in their own way. She would explain the meaning of all the decorations, and would always stand there and let me stare at them until I was done. We were so cold, but she didn't take us home until I was ready. For weeks, the lights were all I could talk about. There was something about how the city came together for the holidays that made me believe in magic. It was unforgettable. And this time of year, when I see all the lights and I think about believing in magic, it makes me miss her so much. She was everything to me when I was growing up, and I still, so many years later, can't believe she'll never look at lights with me again."
Joe led her over to the table and held her while she cried. He didn't say anything until she stopped crying, and then he kissed her and said, "I am so sorry that this is such a hard time of year for you. I can't imagine how hard it was to lose her at such a young age."
She nodded, and blew her nose.
"Maybe tomorrow night we can take CeeCee out to look at the lights around here," he said. "We can take her to Rockefeller Center and look at the tree. I know she's seen it before, but maybe you can tell CeeCee about her grandmother and how the lights meant so much to her. She is named after her; surely she'd like to know more about her mother's mother."
"That sounds perfect," Kathleen said. "We can start a new tradition."
"Exactly," Joe said. "I know that won't make the heartbreak any less, but at least it will ease it somewhat, right?"
"Yes, it will," she said, believing it. "Thank you, Joe. You always know the right thing to say."
"You'll never have to thank me for that," he said, and winked at her.
After having a cup of tea, Joe got ready for bed and Kathleen opened her computer for a few minutes before her own bedtime. While her heart still felt the sadness she'd probably never be able to let go of, there was always a ray of hope for the future. Yes, Kathleen would always miss her mother, but she had a daughter she could make new memories with. They already had so many, and there were so many new ones to make.
She reopened the pesky Twitter window and wrote, "I am forever grateful for my husband and daughter, who always know what it takes to make me feel myself again." She even had 30 more characters to spare. Satisfied, she turned off her computer and joined her husband in bed.