A King, he needed a king. The man gazed across the electronic cards, narrowing his eyes. A red King. The diamonds was already out, but he could still find the hearts, probably. He clicked the draw pile. A black seven (useless), a red two (so close) and a black Jack. The man hissed a curse as he leaned closer to the screen. One, two, three more clicks revealed his beloved red King. Triumphantly, the man moved it to the blank spot, transferred a black queen onto it, and continued on with his game.
Tseng yawned. Solitaire was only so fun for so long. He was deep in the sink, betting-wise, so he had stopped caring about winning on top and instead hoped to just win. He cleared the draw pile and started it over again just as there was a knock at his door. The man straightened instantly and called, "What is it? Come in." He hid the solitaire window under something that looked a lot more official and productive.
And then his worst fears were realized as an unkempt young man let himself into the room. "You told me to knock," Reno supplied. "I remembered this time." He had a few crumpled papers in his hand. These were slammed on the desk and Reno grinned. "I remembered. It's only a week or two late, but here's that progress report you wanted."
Tseng looked at the monstrosity of typewritten gunk on his desk. He cleared his throat. "Thank you, Reno. You do know that this is a biweekly report due every other Wednesday?" He reached out to touch the papers, but did so carefully, as if they were infectious.
"I know," he answered. "See? I put a title." Sure enough, there was the title: "Reno's Biweekly Progress Report! Yes, the title included an exclamation mark. There was a mess of small text under it that Tseng couldn't read as the report was waved in front of his face.
He snatched the report away. "Thank you, Reno," Tseng said shortly. "You may go." It was an offer wrapped up in a threat. Reno took the hint and left, whistling and letting the door slam behind him.
With a sigh, Tseng smoothed out the papers and started to read….
Reno's Biweekly Progress Report!
Written on Tuesday for the deadline, but then I forgot about it until Friday. I worked on it then, but didn't finish. Then I lost the file, so rather than salvage it from memory, I conducted a huge search of my computer and found some great old porn I'd been missing. Then I found this, but had to print the porn first so I could take the pictures home with me. Yesterday, I worked on it some more. So now it's Thursday and I'm finishing it up, so here it is, happy?
To: The Illustrious, Revered, Respected, Ridiculed (kidding!), Dr. Master Sir Tseng the Magnificent, D.D.S., Ph. D., M. S., D. N. A., W. T. F, L. O. L., and so on.
From: Reno the AWESOME.
Author's Note: I'm not sure if this belongs here, but I see one of this in some stuff I read, so I'm sure an informal little note explaining my situation is fine. Like you told me to, I made a huge effort to make this more formal and professional. Note the title and the fact that I researched how cool you are and how many titles you have as a Turk. Anyway, please read and review, feedback is always appreciated and all that jazz. If you were wondering what progress I've made, you've come to the right place. The second half of this is up-to-date and perfect to your specifications, sir! Enjoy!
The Progress that has been made was progress all can see and behold. Such progressful progress hasn't been seen in ages, since industry first began and ShinRa, much less the Turks, were not even a gleam in Rufus' eye. Mind you, you were probably alive and so was he, because you two are old. With age comes wisdom, though, so being old isn't too bad. Unless if you're awesome like me and just know everything anyway. But about that progress – I know I did stuff, but I kinda forget what I did. It was like, here and there, in between important stuff.
For example, I had an idea a while ago. I was looking on Google, doing my job at my desk and randomly signing papers wherever there was a little x. Mind you, I had to re-print that one sheet about the Xenophobia Problem. I kept on writing over Xenophobia, so it said XRenophobia all over the place! That would be funny, you think – everyone being afraid of X-Reno. X-Reno would totally be a kickass cyborg robot based on my image and with a ghost of my intellect caught up in it. It would be awesome; I could take over the world if I had an army of X-Renos. Then you and everyone else would be my slaves and they would all have to write stupid Progress reports to me!
Just kidding, of course. I'd have special treatment for my good buddy Tseng.
But anyways, about that progress. You know how you had me working on that proposal about stuff and things? It was like, about quelling a small uprising out in Costa Del Sol. Well, I lost the folder, but if you want me to go out there, I'd love to. If that's a chance to go wave my stick in that bikini-town, I'm up for it, if you know what I mean! I'd quell any uprising down there real quick.
Wouldn't that be sweet? Maybe all of us should go down there and have some fun. We can see Elena in a bikini! She is so the hottest Turk right now. Though that one chick we're trying to hunt down's not too bad. Rude seems especially eager to meet her at Costa Del Sol. He often takes her ID photograph into the bathroom and disappears for a while, if you know what I mean. I prefer to use the privacy of our shared office and the power of streaming internet video for my own tastes.
Ignore the cleaning lady if she complains about my office. She doesn't know what she's doing. She's only about 60 or something, why doesn't she get a real job and stop bitching about the state of my desk? I propose that, for progress, we fire her. Then that will be progress. We should hire a hot French Maid, with that uniform. Wouldn't that be hot? I have a photograph attached of what I want her to look like. Measurements would have to be taken to make sure she fits the costume. I already found one online. We can buy it with company money and make her wear it. Vinyl will be great, too. It cleans really easy, if I remember right.
I made more progress, too. Like, I deposited over three hundred Gil into the soda machine over the last few weeks. That's progress for the company. I spend my salary well! Speaking of my salary, based on the thickness and awesomeness and great ideas in this report, don't you think it's time for a raise for you buddy, your ol' pal Reno? I've been working so hard! If you've been paying attention, I've been at my desk or in the labs almost every day for a while! I've only left my work for bathroom trips, to eat, if I get bored, when there's something cool on TV, if anyone else leaves, if I remember an appointment, or whatever. But I've been so good!
I remembered some progress! I found this new card game on my computer. It's called Spider (or Arachnid) and it's a toughie. I mean, any idiot can beat Solitaire after a while, but not just anyone can beat Arachnid. It took me weeks, almost nonstop work, to find a game that I could win. I plan on playing with the harder rules very soon. I will continue to offer updates on that progress when they become available.
I just found this report and must say that the harder rules are hard! It means you have to really plan everything that happens in Arachnid. You gotta put the cards in the right place and not mess up. It's hard! You should give it a try. Oh, we should have a department-wide competition, or even a company-wide Arachnid tournament! It'd be hard because it's a one-player game, but it'll be awesome! Then we can offer the new maid as a reward! Or if it's a Soldier who wins (Pssh, yeah right) then we can offer their choice of any other Soldier in the maid outfit. That will please everyone.
I've been tinkering with stuff. I managed to wire an electric toilet seat so I can shock anyone in the second stall of the third floor men's room. Of course, I have to be in the first stall, but that doesn't take much effort. Then you press the wired device and – zap! The poor sap taking a dump jumps! It was hilarious the first few times until I came very close to zapping Rufus. At that point, I pulled on my pants and got the hell out of there.
I also reconfigured the voicemail system for the Science department. It's pretty awesome, you know, calling them for fun. I set it up so that if you want to talk to the genetics lab, anyone calling thinks they're gonna talk to local hot singles. Which, except for the hot part, they will. No scientists have any lives!
What do the little green and red wavy lines under text mean? I don't use this whole software thing often – I'm a hardware kind of guy. Maybe I'll reprogram the software to decorate the screen with pretty lights in all colors anytime sex or porn is mentioned. That would be awesome. I'll give you updates as this progress on that project. Would you want a copy of that code?
You know, the company needs a lot more progress like mine. Me, being Reno the AWESOME, create progress that everyone admires and envies. And you, dearest (in the least gay way) Tseng, are the one to hear about it directly, as it happens, from me. It's been progressive, productive work weeks and weeks. So that is what this report has reported.
As to all that other stuff… the papers to sign and things to work on and everything that ends up moldering in my inbox, and all those memos and stuff: I signed something like a trillion billion papers, but there's still ten thousand million trillion thousand hundred and infinity and beyond papers to still sign and initial, so I didn't finish. But I worked damn hard and that's the up and down of it! Don't judge me, I swear I was productive. Swing by and check out all the cool gadgets on my desk, then you'll see how productive I am. On top of that, I told you about my best achievements already, and dropped plenty of good ideas, so yeah. I am awesome, just as my name implies.
Be sure to check out that picture of the maid costume. It's only seven hundred Gil right now, but the auction ends real soon, so we better get a bid in!
Finest regards and all that cool jazz,
Reno the Awesome.
Tseng slowly lowered the set of papers. Three pages of absolute nonsense. The Turk looked at the attached photograph of a ridiculously busty woman posed, her legs spread. Everything important on her was barely concealed by a wasplike corseted black and white vinyl dress. He shook his head. This boy's mind was in the skies and in the gutter all at once. He started to reach for his intercom, but hesitated. He didn't want to speak with Reno. There was nothing to be said. That prick would back up his blathering as if it was pure fact. He instead went for his phone.
After dialing, and waiting on the rings, he said softly, "Sir? Yes, General… remember that story you told me about?"
There was deep-voiced confusion.
"When you were in the men's room and something really weird happened," he added, verifying further.
Soft sound of understanding.
"Reno wired the toilet seat," Tseng couldn't help but smile; this was perfect. "Perhaps you should deal with him?"
Sephiroth almost laughed. "Then I have your permission?"
"Do your worst." He hung up. Tseng turned back to his computer, minimizing the boring working program. He was bored of solitaire; maybe he'd check out this Arachnid thing… it was in the Games section, unnoticed, right next to Solitaire. That was how he'd spend this lazy afternoon, free of worries.