Episode 1: Mushroom Madness
(scene: outside peach's castle, Mario, Luigi, Toad and Peach all sit on a bench.)
Mario: So, Peach, how was that thing the other day? You know, the thing you got all dressed up for?
Peach: You mean my mother's funeral?
Mario: Yeah, that thingy. Was it fun?
Peach: Uh…well…it was a funeral…
Mario: Yeah…and was it fun?
Peach: I don't think you understand…it was a funeral. For my mother. Who is dead.
Mario: Oh, I understand…so…it was fun, wasn't it?
Peach: No, no it wasn't…
Mario: Well, if I went to your mother's funeral, I would have fun.
Peach: I hate you.
Luigi: Join the club. One time he tricked me into dressing up as a piece of cheese for Mouser, who then tried to eat me…
Toad: And then there was the time he tricked you into eating the super spicy mushroom!
Luigi: That lit my tongue on fire.
Toad: And the time he made you shoot your own pet dog for a pair of sunglasses.
Luigi: Yeah…I miss old poochie…I wish I could just have five more minutes with him…
Toad: What would you do with him?
Luigi: I'd play fetch. He would throw the ball and I would run after it, and then he would throw it again, and I would run after it, and then he would throw it again and I would run after it, and then—
Toad: Seems like a waste of time to me. If I had a dog, I can think of a few things I would do with him.
Luigi: Like what, Toad?
Toad: First, I would masturbate him, and then I would drink his sweet, sweet—
Peach: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
Mario: MAMA-MIA!!
Luigi: Luigi no like-a that!
Toad: What's wrong with you guys? Is it so wrong to love dogs?
Peach: Just stop! STOP!
(Enter a Yoshi)
Yoshi: Yo-Yoshi!
Mario: Hey, It's-a Yoshi!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Mario: I love Yoshis…
Yoshi: Yoshi…
(Yoshi walks over to Mario)
Mario: That's good! Nice yoshi…nice to kill, that is!
(Mario stabs Yoshi with a kitchen knife)
Yoshi: Whaa!
Peach: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED YOSHI!
Mario: Meh…
Luigi: Who's Yoshi?
Peach: The guy Mario just killed.
Mario: I'm-a hungry. Guess what I want to eat?
Peach: This had better not be a sexual reference of any sort…
Mario: Cake. There, I said it.
Peach: Thank God!
Mario: So will you make me some?
Peach: Sure. I'll bake my secret recipe.
Mario: Yay!
Luigi: Okey-Dokey…
Toad: I'm sorry, but I can't join you guys. I have an appointment.
Luigi: Really! Can I come?
Toad: No…it's an, uh, evil monkey appointment!
Luigi: HOLY SWEET JEBUS! IT'S THE EMBODIMENT OF MY WORST NIGHTMARES!
(Luigi runs away screaming)
Mario: Lets-a Go!
(Mario and Peach go into the castle)
Toad: Now I'm finally alone…
(Luigi runs back on stage screaming, and tramples toad. He stops and gives the camera a thumbs up.)
Luigi: That's all folks…
(Looney Toons music plays.)
Episode 2: An Evil Plot
(Scene: In Bowser's throne room, Bowser sits on his stone throne. To his left is Kamek; to his right is Koopa Kid. He is looking in a crystal ball at the previous scene.)
Bowser: Grr! I want the cake! But only Mario gets the best cake. I've heard tales about Peach's cake, tales that say she cooks better than any other chef in the land. But who does she give the cake to? Not me, oh no! Not big, bad Bowser. What an anti-Semitic jerk, that Peach!
Kamek: But Bowser, you're not Jewish.
Bowser: You too! Look, just because I'm not a Jew doesn't make it right to not give me cake! Stupid Peach! She is such an anti-Semite.
Kamek: I don't follow your logic, my lord…
Koopa Kid: That's because you're a retard!
Bowser: Hey! I'll have you know, my mother was disabled.
Koopa Kid: Yeah, and look how you turned out!
Bowser: RAR!
(Bowser breathes fire on Koopa Kid. Koopa Kid falls over, blackened.)
Kamek: Okay then…
Bowser: I need cake!
Kamek: Okay…why don't you just make your own cake!
Bowser: Kamek! I want you to lead my army to the town, get a dozen…no make it two dozen eggs, some flour, and a pound of butter! I'm going to try…to bake a cake!
(Epic music plays in the background)
Koopa Kid: Cough! …I think I broke my everything.
Bowser: Dude, shut up! Is all you care about yourself? "I did this", "I want that" why doesn't anyone care about me?
Kamek: Because you're a mean king who only cares about food and gay sex.
Bowser: That's not true…I also care about money.
Episode 3: Research?
(Scene: E Gadd is in his lab working away. A knock on the door)
E Gadd: Yes, yes, oh yes, come in!
Mario(offstage): What if I don't want to?
E Gadd: Then why did you knock on my door?
Mario(offstage): Maybe I was just practicing for when I really need to knock on your door.
E Gadd: Were you now, yes, yes?
Mario(offstage): Actually, I lied. I want to come in now.
(enter Mario through door)
E Gadd: So, you have come seeking an invention, yes, yes?
Mario: I want you to make a computer spike for me…one that can hack any system and allow you to go on any website on the internet, even paysites, for free.
E Gadd: Do you mean like a porno site?
Mario: Yes, but the primary focus would be for science. I want to study how the humans mate in their natural habitat.
E Gadd: Even if that were true, I would still have to ask 'why do you need to get onto paysites for free?', yes, yes, no?
Mario: Uh…better quality research…data stuff…science…and biology…you wouldn't understand…
E Gadd: My college major was sciences. I think I'll understand.
Mario: Which sciences?
E Gadd: All of them, except for one or two.
Mario: Was Nano-Nuro-sexalotofpornology one of them?
E Gadd: I don't recall taking that course, no, oh no, no.
Mario: Well its complex stuff, it is. So your puny brain couldn't handle it.
E Gadd: I have ten times higher of an I.Q. than you do. Don't call my brain puny.
Mario: Yeah, well that's only a quiz. My overall grade is an F+.
E Gadd: F+ doesn't exist.
Mario: Uh…look, a unicorn!
E Gadd: Very funny. Now, what did you want again?
Mario: A Porn Password Maker—I mean…a research of anatomy password thingy… uh…yeah…
E Gadd: I'll work on it, as soon as I finish my latest high tech but mostly useless project: The Cow Tipper 3000.
Mario: What does it do?
E Gadd: It tips cows.
Mario: Oh…I thought it turned people into big ugly aliens who have purple skin, three eyes, big noses, small mouths and high pitched voices who are fat and stupid.
Alien Who Fits Mario's Description (in a Cage in the Background): Sniff…I'm not fat…
Mario: Shut up, Irwin. No one likes you!
Alien Who Fits Mario's Description (in a Cage in the Background): I like me…
E Gadd: Now leave me alone, Mario. I need to work on the Cow Tipper 3000. Neh-heh-heh.
Mario: I'm gonna go home now. Let's-a go!
Episode 4: Mail Time!
(Scene: Mario and Luigi are outside their house.)
Luigi: Hey, bro! We've got some mail!
Mario: I hope my issue of Lesbians Monthly came today…
Luigi: I hope my issue of My Little Pony Monthly came today…
Mario: I…don't know what to say to that.
Luigi: No one ever does…
(Enter Toadsworth)
Toadsworth: I'm here on behalf of Cheep-Cheep Cruises. We offer only the finest cruises and at low prices, too. Now for a limited time only, you can get a cruise around the mushroom sea for only four thousand coins. What do you say?
Mario: Does it have strippers?
Toadsworth: Uh…there is an adult package…but the primary focus of the trip is the amazing sightseeing opportunities it presents. Just think of the many paces you would love to go to, but cannot—
Mario: Like up Peach's skirt…
Toadsworth: Uh…more like global places…like…The Beanbean Kingdom, or DK isle…just think of the possibilities…
Mario: Like strippers?
Toadsworth: You offend me greatly…
(Enter a Yoshi)
Mario: Hey, look its Yoshi! Hi, Yoshi!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
(Mario whips out an ax and beheads Yoshi.)
Yoshi: WAAH!
Announcer: Fatality.
Mario: Woo-Who!
Toadsworth: What just happened…did you kill Yoshi again?
Mario: Maybe…
Toadsworth: You really need to stop that… it's a very bad habit.
(Enter Toad)
Toad: Mario! Luigi! Bowser's attacking the castle again!
Luigi: Oh! Mama-Mia!
(Luigi exits)
Toad(yelling): Wrong way, dumbass!
Toadsworth: Do you think we should find him?
Mario: Ah, who cares…he'll end up somewhere, somehow…
Episode 5: At the Mall…
(Scene: Kamek and some koopas are at the mall. The stores read "Wario's Market", "Starman-Bucks", "General Guy's Gun Shop", and "Wart's Shoe Emporium")
Koopa Troopa 1: Well, where do we go first?
Kamek: We need eggs, flour, and butter.
Koopa Troopa 1: Well, then, to the grocery store…
Kamek: No, wait! If we just walk in, Mario could ambush us.
Koopa Troopa 2: Mario's here? Oh shit! We're all gonna die!
Koopa Troopa 3: Mario isn't here…Hey, look, here comes someone!
Koopa Troopa 2: It's Mario! FUCK!
(KT 2 runs away)
Kamek: Wait! Come Back!
(enter Koopa Kid from within the Starman-Bucks)
Koopa Kid: slurp Ahhhhhhhh…That's one good coffee.
Kamek: Koopa Kid?
Koopa Kid: Oh…hi Kamek…uh…I'm not drinking a Frapichino…
Kamek: Do you realize how gay that is?
Koopa Kid: I know…
Koopa Troopa 3: Now, we must go onward, to the grocery store…
Kamek: Onward!
(Scene turns into a sketch)
Narrator(Epic Voice): And thusly the brave Trio of Kamek, Koopa Kid, and a single Koopa Troopa did enter the grocery store in search for a pound of butter, a bag of flour, and 24 eggs. They knew they would have a tough quest ahead of them, but they continued on their way, with great enthusiasm…and great courage.
Koopa Troopa 1: What about me?
Narrator(Epic Voice): No one likes you anyway, so we decided to kill you off by means of a giant anvil falling on your head. Goodbye.
(A giant anvil falls on Koopa Troopa 1, and blood splashes out from under it.)