Every hair seemed out of place, and every thread of her gown somehow crooked or fringed somehow. Truly there was nothing odd about her except maybe Tauriel's manner on her wedding day, an uneasiness she projected into the panel of glass before her to reflect back on anything besides her reddened cheeks and worried eyes. She reminded herself again, "This is the first of the happiest days of my life," and yet could still not make herself believe it.
If she did not go now, the ceremony would stall, and she could not afford to embarrass herself in such a way before the guests, many of whom she hardly knew, be they elf or dwarf. She'd be spending many more of her days now in Erebor; though diplomacy between the Mountain and the Woodland Realm would continue to keep her in commute, here was where she'd now be made to make her new home. And yet the thought of life without such sun- or moonlight as she'd grown accustomed to was only part of what frightened her –if she had her way, it would be the biggest of her problems, in a world in which she would not have to fret over her immortality.
A knock at the door brought her from her thoughts, but only for a moment. "Tauriel? Are you alright?" His voice struck something awful and wonderful into her heart and she needed a moment before she could respond.
"Yes, I'm alright," she assured in a voice that hardly didn't crack, stiff and stilted and not the least convincing. And Kili knew her well enough to recognize the strain in her reply and insist entry.
"Are you dressed?" He'd rather not walk in on her if she was not so; until tonight, at least.
She laughed a short and humorless laugh and wrapped her arms across her torso. "Yes, come in." There was no use in delaying it: if she gave him opportunity to request entrance, she'd be no more composed in a few moments than she was now. She didn't face the door when it opened, but standing in front of the large mirror, he wouldn't miss her countenance.
It broke his heart to see Tauriel's eyes so red-rimmed and wet, but he'd first rather turn his attentions elsewhere, try to lighten her somewhat. He smiled and approached her from behind, bringing his arms up to wrap around her waist, poking his head around to stare at her reflection eclipsing his own. "Never in all my life have I seen a creature so beautiful as this." Kili took the hand pressed tight to her side so she couldn't hide her blushing face behind it, kissing the knuckles sweetly.
"Is this the first time you've truly seen me?" she asked, smiling softly against her sorrow –he'd always have such an effect on her, she knew, she prayed. "Or was I not so beautiful when we first met?"
"You were stunning," he grinned, "all business, killing three huge spiders at a time, taking all the glory." He pressed her palm to his cheek and relished the cool warmth. "But I'd much rather see you safe and at ease. But you're not at ease, are you?"
She sighed and shook her head slowly. "It's the wedding," she lied. "I'm worried something will go wrong in front of everyone."
"Is it the thought of something going wrong or being watched by the guests that worries you?"
An answer caught on her tongue. "I want to make a good impression."
"What impression is there left to be made after nearly two years?" He looked up at her in disbelief and certainty he wasn't being told exactly what was wrong. "Everyone here loves you, even those with a deep-seated hatred of elves."
"That doesn't exactly inspire confidence."
"They do adore you, I swear! You have earned their respect and some of us are yet indebted to you. I know I will never be able to repay you for saving my life, though I will spend the rest of it working on it." He squeezed her hand in his, strong slender fingers clasped tight against a rough palm that she found such comfort in on most days, but not this one, however he tried. "I should be worried," he admitted, holding her tighter. "I haven't exactly done anything to gain favor with your people."
"No elf but I knows you as has any basis on which to form an opinion," she said firmly, watching his reflection. "And as I am the only one qualified to make a judgment of your character, mine is surely the most exact."
He laughed softly. "And what is your judgment of my character?"
"I will not tell you," she teased, corner of her lips lifting slightly of their own will. "Any opinion I own is mine to keep; just rest assured I have an opinion of you, and still choose to marry you."
"I couldn't be any more fortunate. I'd rather be good enough for you alone than for all the elves in this world."
Her heart swelled to hear such devotion, and suddenly tears returned to her eyes. She cursed their resilience and wiped them away before Kili could, but they did not escape his notice.
"It is not the ceremony that bothers you," he concluded, ready to pry an answer out of her if it meant she wouldn't suffer in silence. "I do not believe it is even the people around us; I know you would not cry for such things. Please, Tauriel, let's go into this union with honest and untroubled and spend the day more happily than you are now. I just ask to know what's bothering you."
"This…" She swallowed a lump in her throat and could no longer look at him, nor his reflection. She shut her eyes and went on. "This arrangement has been troubling me since you first proposed it."
It wasn't something he had expected, and he almost needed to take a step back. "You're having second thoughts?"
"No, I— Please, it isn't like that. I have every intention of marrying you. But there are… issues, I suppose."
"We'll work through them together, I promise—"
"It isn't something that can be worked through or even around. One day, whenever it may come, we will be faced with the reality that you are mortal and I am not, and the thought frightens me, that I will all but inevitably outlive my husband."
Kili was silent at that, unsure how he could soothe her. He knew even before he'd known he loved her that he couldn't stand to outlast Tauriel, to lose her in battle or to some other violence. He would rather he die and she never at all –had that been a selfish way to think about it? Yet he never thought, despite all her assurances and quiet proclamations of her love, that she could care for him so much that the thought of life after him was so upsetting to her on their wedding day. "Tauriel—"
"I thought I had accepted the idea, that there was no use in fretting over something that would come to pass out of my power. But… today I seal my decision to spend my life with you, one I do not regret and never could, and yet there's still a sinking feeling in my heart when I think how it would be the remainder of your life and not my own. I'd sooner die of grief than spend a thousand years in life when you are no longer beside me."
"Shh, no, don't think of that." Kili noticed how unsteady she was standing now, and helped her to kneel on the floor in her wedding gown, sitting down beside her and urging his bride to look him in the eyes. "I wouldn't have it come to that. I would rather spend two hundred years with you and not waste a single day, and then when, yes, I am gone, you can remember the time we had together and be happy that we did." He kissed her cheek softly. "I would call this off right now if I didn't know that you are strong enough to feel happiness where you might find it, even if one day you find it in memories."
She wiped at her eyes and nodded. "No more tears," she promised. The issue was not resolved and never would be, but this was hardly the time to be bothered by it. "We're running late, aren't we?"
"We'll take all the time in the world, if it means you'll be alright to get through this. We can't live this life together in fear of when it's over. I'm happy just to have met you at all."
She let out a quivering sigh and tucked a braid back behind her ear. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
He was taken aback by the question, there never having been a doubt in his mind from the moment she agreed to marry him. "I've never been so certain of anything!" he laughed, moving closer and wrapping his arms around her waist again. He came up onto his knees so, as she was sitting now, he came to a height just barely taller than his bride's. "And you do not change your mind here?"
He pressed his forehead to hers and brought the other braid behind a pointed ear, adoration evident to her in a smile brighter than anything Tauriel had ever known. He was one to speak of her radiance, she thought with a smile of her own, much more restrained but no less loving. She shook her head –"and I never will." She kissed his cheek and forced herself to change the subject back to today's most pressing matter. "Now," she said as she stood. "There is no point in putting it off any longer, if we are both so certain. I'd properly start our life together sooner than later."