This is almost mom-inspired. I was at a lack of fanfiction ideas, and so we came up with, "why not a Beetlejuice one?" I just simply amped it up a tad.
Disclaimer: I do not own Beetlejuice. I do not own Corpse Bride. I do wish I owned Tim Burton's brain, though. (I wonder if I can buy it on ebay?) I do not own the song Sexyback. I do not own the song Don't Cha.
Beetlejuice… the greatest bio-exercist in the world… bored. That was one word he usually didn't know the definition of. (He didn't know the definition of many words, like quiet, coma, and linenaphobia, but this one was more so.) The death rate had gone down lately, and that caused business go down. Beetlejuice may have quite school early, but he could see an equation from a mile away.
"Unless, of course, the actress Geena Davis is somewhere between me and there, then whoa…" Beetlejuice muttered, slicking his frizzy hair back. There was a racket outside of his door, so the young dead man stood up and cracked open the door.
"But Emily! I don't need a bio-exercist! I need a psychiatrist!"
Maybe I should backtrack
The newlyweds sighed heavily and leaned against the door; their hopes high that the monstrosity on the other side of the door would simply disperse.
"Victor Van Dort!" it came as a nasally, not so welcome surprise. "Open this door right now or I'll make your father break it dooooowwwwwn!" she finished on a high, singsong note. Victor looked sideways at his wife, Victoria.
"Don't even breathe…" he mouthed. She nodded and sucked in one last breath. All was quiet for a moment, and then a small, almost too small to hear, click.
"There, I told you it would be a great idea to make a spare key!" the door flew open and threw the two into the room, pinwheeling their arms just to stay balanced. "Victor! Darling!" The mother of all messes cooed, running up and giving her stick son a hug, and then rushing over to his wife and giving her a squeeze too. Mrs. Van Dort toddled over to the couch and collapsed next to her husband (who was already sitting and twiddling his mustache.
"Victor, darling, get your mummy a cup of tea please. And get your father some of those little cookies, he needs some meat on his bones!" she elbowed her husband and chuckled heartily. He wheezed in response.
"Yes mother. Victoria, would you join me in the kitchen… please?" The couple went into the kitchen and began making the tea.
"Why didn't you tell me your parents were coming?" Victoria asked, pulling four teacups out of the cupboard. Victor sighed and began measuring tea into the cups.
"Because I didn't know! They just seem to blow in like the autumn breeze… a hurricane… or a bad case of the measles!" he sighed. His pale, blushing bride took the boiling water off the stove and poured it into the cups as he pulled the cookies out of a tin.
"Oh, how bad can they be?" Just in time to make the perfect, ironic comment, Mrs. Van Dort began arguing with her husband.
"No, her hips are way to small to have a baby!"
"See, told you!" Victor sighed, picking up the tray and walking into the living room.
"Oh there they are!" the father wheezed. Victor sat the tray down and endured several hours of being picked at, finally, he cut in.
"I think I need a haircut. I think I'll go see that Sweeny Todd guy on Fleet Street…" Victor mumbled, looking pointedly at his mother. She slurped her tea rather loudly.
"I wouldn't do that, dear. I hear he has a rather tight shave…" she slurped. Victor sighed and looked at Victoria. She smiled and slipped a note into his hand. When this is over… go see Emily and tell her to either get rid of your parents or we'll be digging two very deep holes.
"Emily!" Victor called, walking around the Land of the Dead. After his parents had gone, Victoria had made him make a house call to his somewhat ex. He was actually kind of happy to be going to visit her, he missed her. "Emily!"
"Victor? Victor!" The young stick man turned around to see the Corpse Bride running over.
"Emily!" he greeted, running to meet her halfway. She gave him a quick hug and then looked at him.
"You look well. I take it Victoria is treating you well?" Considering she had given up her one chance of happiness to Victoria, they were on pretty good terms.
"Yes, she is."
"And I take it your parents were happy about the wedding?"
"Eh, that's the problem." Emily cocked her head to the side and her maggot stuck its head out her ear.
"Do you need someone to see what's going on in their heads?" he chuckled evilly. Victor seriously considered that option for a moment.
"No. But thank you for the offer. You see, we just need someone to scare my parents off. They're always over and they're as hard to get rid of as…" he dug deep for the right analogy.
"A mole?" Emily offered helpfully.
"Yes, a mole. Wait… a mole?" Victor asked. Emily knocked on her chest.
"Yes, a mole. I've got one living in my chest right now and they're hard to get rid of!"
"Yes," the maggot began. "And they're the rudest neighbors you could ever imagine!" The befuddled husband tried to imagine having a fat worm in his head and an oversized rat I his chest.
"Ah, well, anyway… do you know anyone who can help me?" Emily scratched her head for a moment before grabbing his arm and dragging him somewhere.
"Where are we going?" Emily never stopped running as they dove down a steep flight of stairs.
"You'll see…"
Now we're about up to snuff
Beetlejuice slowly opened the door even wider just in time to see a young Corpse Bride pulling a man behind her.
"Oh Victor, he'll take care of them! Don't worry about-" she stopped when she noticed the bio-exorcist staring at the two of them. "Beetlejuice! So glad you're home! Do you have a moment of time?" the undead beauty asked. Beetlejuice gave a lopsided grin and slicked back his hair.
"For you, my dear, I have the world," he grunted, welcoming her into his room. The young man followed closely to her. "But for you I've only got a few minutes," he said to him. The two strangers made themselves at him on a couch and stared at him. "Now, what can I help you two with? People moving into your house? Had a couple like that not too long ago and almost got myself hitched," he paused and chuckled, giving the bride a maggot-filled grin.
"No, actually, my parents won't leave me and my wife alone, so I thought…" he stuttered. Beetlejuice jumped in before the boy had a nervous breakdown.
"Ah, I see. Parents so torn up about your death that they won't leave your house alone and dote on your every item, every picture, and every unnecessary little keepsake that parents think will help them remember you? No problem, just say my name three times and I'm on it!" The boy raised a hand meekly.
"But sir-" the bride cut in.
"Beetlejuice!" The blue-haired beauty giggled. Victor looked shocked.
"Beetlejuice?" Okay… that's technically twice.
"Yes, Beetlejuice!" Three strikes, you're parents are out and I'm in.
"Just so you know, some side effects may include itching, burning, and that they die and stay with you forever and ever in holy dead matrimony to decompose do you part." And then he poofed out in a poof of white powder, leaving the two in utter confusion. "Amen."
"Um, Victoria… I'd like you to meet the bio-exorcist, Beetlejuice," Victor muttered, pointing to the undead man beside him. He grinned and kissed Victoria's hand.
"Howdy miss. I'd like to say that you're gorgeously undead and that I've been compared to that handsome devil, Michael Keaton," he bragged. Victoria hadn't said a word upon laying eyes on him, and still wasn't planning on saying anything. She just hoped that if she stayed quiet for long enough, her stepparents would leave and she could live happily ever after in a fairy tale ending with her husband and undead best friend. "Don't talk much, do you? How'd you die? Cat got your tongue?" He laughed at his own joke, and then stopped. He grunted.
"Well, anyway, Mr. Beetlejuice, could you take care of our parents?"
"Sure, sure. When will they be coming over to mourn?" he cracked his knuckles. Victor looked at the clock on the wall and then pointed at the door. It ringed just in time. Beetlejuice gave Victor an impressed grin.
"Very nice. I'll be in the other room, so if you see anything flying around or anything popping out of the ground or even a little lightness in your wallet, it was totally me." And he disappeared, leaving the Van Dorts in utter confusion.
"I hate when he does that…" the husband whined as he opened the door. "Mother! Father! Stepmother? Stepfather?" he greeted, watching in absolute horror as his stepparents stepped in behind his parents.
"Oh, we tried to tell them to go home, but they refused to!" the mother sniffed, stepping in the house.
"Oh no, we're… happy… to have you here…" Victor acted, trying to show interest in his stepparents. The extreme squat and extreme pole sniffed in disdain and stepped into the house.
"I told you, Victoria, he would only lead you to poverty!" Mrs. Everglott scowled. Victoria put on a forced smile and excused herself to the room Beetlejuice was in.
"If you're going to do something… do it NOW!" she hissed and went back into the room. Victor inched over to her.
"What did you ask?" he whispered. Victoria shook her head and waited for it to take effect. It didn't take very long. Mrs. Everglott turned her head and looked at Mr. Van Dort. She stood and sat in his lap.
"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't ya? Don't ya?" she sang. It wasn't her voice; it was a man's trying to sound like a girl's. Mrs. Van Dort stood up and glared at her.
"Why you… you… tempt!" she stopped as Mr. Everglott stood up. (But with his height, it was more like he shrunk.)
"I'm bringing sexy back! Yeah! Them other boys don't know how to act! Yeah!" he sang or choked, either way it sounded like a dying hen. He tried to dance, but it looked like he had to go to the bathroom.
"Oh, you! You're family is a disgrace! I think that… I think that… that… that… ACHOOOO!" Mrs. Van Dort sneezed and a huge green booger hung out of her nose like a chain. "Oh… oh my goodness!" she shrieked, pulling on it. It came out and kept coming out in an endless supply.
"Oh, he's good…" Victor muttered to his creeped out bride. "They won't be scared of us, just whenever they see each other, they'll be disgusted and never want to come back!" He chuckled an evil, out of character chuckle and turned back to the two feuding families. Unbeknownst to them, Beetlejuice was laughing his undead tuckus off.
Let's Skip ahead, shall we?
"So, where's my payment?" Beetlejuice asked the three sitting in front of him. Even though he wasn't that smart, he could tell the living girl had never been here before. (Hyperventilation and wide bug eyes are always a sure sign.)
"What can we pay you with?" The living man asked. Beetlejuice later learned his name to be Victor.
"Will this do?" Emily asked, holding forward a bag of bugs. Beetlejuice grabbed the bag.
"What do you think I am? A cannibal?" He popped an especially wiggly centipede in his mouth and sighed. "Well then, you'd be right. Dang these are good!" Beetlejuice counted to three in his mind and as he reached three, the new girl's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fell forward onto the floor. Beetlejuice put his hands around mouth like a trumpet.
"New arrival!"