Lily Evans' Guide to Getting Through Your Hogwarts Years
If you are the proud owner of this book, congratulations! You have everything you need to know about getting through Hogwarts and how to deal with the very annoying boys known as the Marauders. They annoy me to no end, so hopefully this helps you get through your Hogwarts years without killing anyone. Well, if it's James Potter, I say go for it, though you may not feel the same way. Let's get started...
James Potter refuses to leave you alone.
James Potter is not one to give up, so your best bet would be to hex him to keep his mouth from ever opening. I know it seems a bit excessive, but really, wait and see if he gives up. So just hex him and save yourself the pain. Or maybe threaten him, though he might just laugh in your face and say you love him, even as you think how much you want to strangle him.
Just hex him.
Sirius Black is flirting your friends.
You and I both know that Sirius Black flirts with everything on two legs. And even if your friends and half of Gryffindor are infatuated by him, just remember that Sirius Black only keeps a girlfriend for a few weeks. A girlfriend, mind you. Sirius Black is actually crushing on Remus Lupin. So relax and wait for those two idiots to finally admit they love each other.
Even though this solution may break your friends' hearts that he's taken, trust me when I say Sirius Black does not really care for them. He only wants Remus Lupin.
You hear strange noises from the castle late at night.
Hogwarts is an old castle, okay? There are plenty of things that could make that sound. It could be a restless painting, an owl fluttering around, or even some random critter on the grounds. Besides all that, what are you doing out late? A sure-fire way to get in trouble is roaming the castle late at night. Just get back to your dorm, whichever house you may be, and get to sleep. You'll probably forget about the sounds.
The Slytherins are bullying you.
This is most likely to happen if you are a Gryffindor, as the two houses hate each other. You should probably tell some professor about this, even if your friend is the one that is getting bullied. Professor McGonagall is the best one to go to for bullying. No, you're not being a snitch, you are saving some first-year from getting terrified in the halls.
If you're a four-year or up, still go tell a professor, but then go and find the Slytherins and hex them with a spell from the hex index in the back of the book. I've used them several times on James Potter, so they should be fine for whatever Slytherin you are dealing with.
The Marauders are pranking the Grand Hall with you in it.
The only thing you can do? Wait for whatever horrible scheme the Marauders have cooked up to pass. If it's something in the juice, spit out your mouthful, then get to the infirmary before anyone else. If it's dung bombs, which seems to be a favorite of theirs, cast a shield charm over as many of your friends and don't feel guilty if you can't reach all of them. They should be sharp enough to cast their own.
If it's mixed-up owls, simply wait for the packages to land, then cast a searching charm. Your package should turn up soon enough. If you happen to get one of the Marauders' mail, keep it for blackmail.
You see Peter Pettigrew shoving his face with food and are slightly worried he might explode.
Oh, Peter can eat a lot of food, but even he can't eat to the point of exploding. Well, he might if one of the other Marauders have hexed him to inflate, but other than that...
You hear James Potter and Peter Pettigrew scheming and think they're plotting a prank.
James Potter and Peter Pettigrew plotting a prank? Yeah, and McGonagall loves all Slytherins. Oh, no, James and Peter are most likely discussing Quidditch (Peter doesn't play but he enjoys watching), talking about food, or poor Pettigrew is getting forced to listen to one of Potter's ridiculous plans to win my heart.
Besides, Remus Lupin is the one that comes up with the Marauders' pranks. Yes, the slim, sandy-haired boy that hangs out with Black, Potter and Pettigrew. He may seem like an outcast that the other three took pity on, but he is the most devious one in that bunch. While James Potter is the face of the Marauders, Remus is one responsible for your tongue going numb. Just don't try to go after him. Sirius Black will most likely stop you. And while I can't honestly say I am scared of Sirius, I really wouldn't suggest threatening Remus. You will regret it.
You are walking in the courtyard in the winter and see footprints appear in front of you when you can't see anyone walking there.
Ah, you have run into the Marauders yet again. You should probably turn around and go back into the castle, wait for a few minutes, then go back out. The Marauder beneath the invisibility cloak will probably have gotten bored and gone to irritate some other student. Still, I would suggest taking another way out of the courtyard.
However, if you are coming back from the grounds and you enter the courtyard and see footprints walking away from you, walk up to the footprints and elbow the space where a person should be as you pass. If you have good aim, you will hear a grunt of pain. If you have poor aim, you should get a yelp of surprise and maybe a snicker.
You are in Potions with Professor Slughorn and hear an explosion.
The Marauders really do show up everywhere, so you better get used to such things occurring in their presence. Anyway, it really depends on what kind of explosion it was.
If it was Remus Lupin's cauldron that blew up, it was definitely accidental, and other than a scorched cauldron and some ash, you should be fine. If you hear laughter coming from the other Marauders, don't worry about it. Remus will shut them up.
If the cauldron belonged to Sirius Black, James Potter, or even Peter Pettigrew, wait three seconds. If you smell something burning, you're fine, one of those morons just mixed the potion up the wrong way.
(Bloody idiots.) If you smell acid, mint, or anything other than smoke and a burnt cauldron, take refuge under the nearest table. If someone starts laughing at you, simply wait until wait until whatever prank the Marauders have set up takes place, then laugh at the person who did not take cover.
You are Care of Magical Creatures and you hear a shout of "STAMPEDE!"
Depends who shouted the warning. If it was anyone other than James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, or Remus Lupin, there really is a stampede happening. I would suggest levitating yourself into a tree and waiting until the stampede passes. If one of the Marauders shouted it and anyone is stupid enough to believe them, all that will be happening is four boys on the ground laughing hysterically. Bloody gits.
You are wandering the corridors of the castle and you run across several Slytherins wearing nothing but their undergarments.
You are witnessing yet another result of a Marauder prank. If you choose to stare in shock, you will probably get hexed by several embarrassed Slytherins. You should just walk past them like nothing is out of place and laugh when you are back in your dorm. You might convince the Slytherins that nothing is wrong, and that will only help the Marauders, but really, it's the Slytherins. And if one of the Slytherins happens to be the Slytherin that insulted you a few days ago, all the better.
You walk into a classroom and find it had been inverted.
Take a good look around, chuckle to yourself, then walk out of the classroom. Don't bother to tell a teacher. By the time you get back with the rest of the class that was supposed to be in the inverted classroom, it will be right side down and you will simply look like a fool.
If you really want to take action, you're wasting your time. Despite being complete slack-offs (with the exception of Remus Lupin), the Marauders are really quite powerful and they probably put a charm on the charm that originally inverted the classroom. So you're really better off just getting a laugh out of it and leaving the teacher the task of getting the classroom back to normal.
You are watching Quidditch and a player gets hit by a bludger.
If the player is a normal student, watch to see if Madam Hooch noticed. If she did, keep an eye on the injured player, but Madam Hooch will probably have it under control. If James Potter is the player that is hit, do nothing. Well, if you really want to do something, laugh at Potter for being a blind idiot. If it's Sirius Black that gets hit, laugh for a few seconds, then watch as Remus Lupin goes flying across the pitch.
If you're really feeling brave, go tell Remus you saw him running to Sirius' side later in the day. If you aren't, just remember it and bring it up at a time that suites.
You hear really- er, descriptive sounds coming from a room you know should be empty.
Merlin, when will Black learn? Anyways, you have, of course, run into Sirius Black and whatever girl he bound and gagged and dragged to a closet or empty room. Actually, knowing the amount of twittering idiots that this school has, the girl probably went willingly. Ugh. What an awful thought. If you hear these noises and want to do something to make them stop, simply throw open the door. If you really want to do something that may shut Black up for several days, get Remus, then throw open the door. Knowing Remus, you will probably see his eyes fill with pain before turning and walking away.
Sirius will sulk for a while after that because Remus probably refused to talk to him, but maybe that will finally give the idiots the push they need.
You walk into the Grand Hall and find that Dumbledore is wearing a clown outfit and his beard is colored like the rainbow.
Enjoy the sight while you can. Dumbledore is pretty accepting of anything the Marauders pull over on him, and he is one of the few teachers that know all about the Marauders. Like, all about the Marauders. He takes most things in stride, and the ones he doesn't simply get ignored. I think he knows he could give the Marauders detention for a year and they would keep pranking.
You hear odd noises coming from Professor McGonagall's office.
Once again, you have found the Marauders being themselves. If you hear laughter, explosions, giggles, snickers, hiccuping, singing, or explosions, this is normal. It's the Marauders in detention. Yes, it is really the Marauders taking the punishment for whatever prank they pulled off earlier in the week. If you hear silence, shouting, or whispered words, it's still the Marauders in detention, but either McGonagall is really mad and they're scared, or it's just Remus and Sirius. Only those two can keep quiet. Well, Remus is the only one that can keep Sirius quiet.
If you hear squeaks, growls, whispers, howls, or other noises of that sort, then all I can say is that's Hogwarts for you. Or perhaps the Marauders pranked McGonagall. No, they might be smart enough to not do that.
You are by the lake and look over to see two Marauders sitting underneath a tree.
Hmm, depends which two. It's never Peter and Sirius. That never happens. If it's Sirius and James, you would probably be listening to loud laughter and/or indignant shouts. If it's James and Peter, poor Pettigrew is being forced to listen to whatever subject James Potter happens to think about. If it's Remus and James, Remus is most likely trying to help Potter win my heart. And if it's Remus and Sirius, then there's two things that could be occurring.
One, Remus and Sirius are simply hanging out and driving everyone who wants to see those two get together insane, or two, they are finally together and just hanging out. Those two things might seem very similar, but trust me, you'll know if it's option two. Whatever the case, AVOID AT ALL COST.
Your best friend becomes Remus Lupin.
Oh, no. I am Remus Lupin's best friend outside of the Marauders. Anyways, if this happens, WHICH IT WON'T, make sure to balance your life. Stay away from the Marauders, but also hang out with Remus. Unfortunately, Remus is usually with the Marauders, helping them with homework or plotting. I swear, if Remus didn't help those gits, they'd be failing their classes.
Sirius Black asks you out.
Merlin forbid that happens, but if it does, look him in the eye and say "And you're willing to risk Remus seeing if you go out with me?" I guarantee Black will stare at you for a few seconds, then go very pale and walk away looking like someone slapped him. Obviously, your pathway to wherever you wanted to go is now. If your friends demand why in the name of Merlin you refused to go out with Sirius Black, you can say a number of things.
One) "You must have been hearing things." Good if you want your friends to believe Sirius is not into you.
Two) "I said no." Your friends will look at you like you're insane, but if you're big into truth, that is the answer to go with.
Three) "Why would I go out with Sirius Black? He likes Remus, obviously." This answer will definitely get you some stares, and is best said only to the friends you know are smart enough to take this answer the right way.
Four) "I didn't want to."
There you are! Four answers to your friends that wonder why in the world you would give up a date with Sirius Black, the heartthrob of Hogwarts. (Personally, I wonder why anyone would risk one. I mean, Sirius goes out with another girl each week. I wish Remus would hurry up and tell that bloody idiot how he feels. Then they can both be happy.)
One of your friends falls for Remus.
I know these seem mostly relationship related, but you need to know how to deal these scenarios should they come up. And this one happens to be one of the hardest you will ever face. If a friend of yours falls for Remus Lupin, before you wish them well and let them be, let me point a few things out.
First off, Remus is the exact opposite of Sirius Black. I remember one time that Remus was asked to go on a date with one of the most popular girls in the school, and right in front of everyone, he declined, telling her she should go see Sirius if she wanted a date. (Note: Remus looked very bitter as he said that last part.) The entire common room just stared at Remus. He didn't really seem to care, and when I looked over at Sirius, his jaw was just about on the floor. I wish I could say Sirius went after Remus, but unfortunately, he just sat there like a dead fish. On the bright side, he didn't go after that girl either!
Anyways, first tell your friend that Remus doesn't do girlfriends. That's true enough. If that isn't enough to make you friend reconsider their choice of crush, then tell them that if they want Remus, they'll have to go through Sirius Black. That will probably be enough to stop them, but if you have a really stubborn friend, tell them that Remus is crushing on someone else. If that doesn't work, give up and wait for your friend to come back to the dorm with a crushed expression.
There's a party going on in the Gryffindor common room. At midnight.
This one is really directed towards Gryffindors who happen to value sleep and peace, like me and Remus. The easiest thing to do here is cast a Silencing charm over the door. That will block out the sounds, but there is the offhand chance that you might accidentally silence your dorm. If you want an even easier way, just get your wand, ruffle up your hair, then go down the stairs and shout at the common room that if they don't pack up shop and go to sleep, you'll hex them into oblivion. You will probably get the peace you desire.
You wake up in a place you don't remember falling asleep in.
Take a deep breath and stay calm. You did not have a wild party the previous night. One of your friends probably hexed your bed to look like another place. If you don't have friends that you think would do that to you, then get out of your bed, and if you appear back in your dorm, fix your bed, go hex to the boys' staircase, then go back to bed. The Marauders will feel it when they come downstairs.
If you stood up and actually are in a place other than your dorm, I would recommend going to Madam Pomfrey and getting some sleepwalking pills.
You are walking the grounds and suddenly Remus bursts out of a bush, closely followed by a large black dog.
Don't worry, Remus isn't in any danger. Don't look twice, just walk on and maybe one day you'll figure out where that dog came from. If you see Remus again a few seconds later and you see Sirius Black instead of a dog, I'm going to assume you're smart enough to put two and two together and get four, not sixteen.
Hex Index, complete with Lily's notes on each
Stupefy Stuns whatever Marauder happens to be irritating you. The Marauder in question probably has an immunity to the spell by now, but it will give you time to get away.
Expelliarmus Gets the wand away from whatever person you wish to disarm. With a bit of practice, you can teach yourself to hit the wand so that it flies into your hand or at least somewhere near.
Immobulus Petrifies the person that is bothering you. Really handy when you want to get by James Potter without him speaking.
Petrificus Totalus If you don't want to deal with James Potter for several hours, place this full-body curse on him. It will take Remus at least an hour to remove the curse, and at least two hours for the Marauders to find him, and that's if they even look for him.
Petrificus Totalus Duo This handy little gem works best when Black and Potter are both heading your way. Just don't hex Peter and Remus. They don't deserve it.
And that concludes my advice to you! This should cover anything that is too odd for you to deal with. If any of the Marauders ever bother you, just remember, hexing them is the best option, and with my top five charms, hexes and curses, you should be fine. If you need more help, just come and find me. I'll be in the Gryffindor common room, studying with Remus and the rest of the Marauders and trying to keep my sanity intact.
Lily Evans