A/N: Hey ^^ Don't blame me for crap that pops up when I think of words. This one started with the words "love" and "fake" in mind. The rest just......popped up. Cloud's part came to me in the shower ^^;
Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine. Otherwise Cloud wouldn't be his emo self once again I mean really, the game was alright and the movie was fine but after he recovered twice and is still acting like it's all his fault, I get a little irritated.
I loved you, you know? I loved you from the very second I shook your hand and we introduced ourselves with Sora grinning at our sides. He was happy that we finally met, that we could get along. It took him a bit to realize why I was so eager to become your friend (and something more) but he found out about you right away. I thought you felt as strongly as I did.
But I never guessed that it would be so fake.
The first night I found you, you had that glazed look in your eye and you looked so lifeless, I thought I had already lost you. Thank whatever deity there is that I had not. You returned to me, apologizing profusely. You promised it would never happen again. It's a miracle I even could understand you through your tears. Since I loved you so much, I let it go.
But it happened again.
The second night that I found you, you weren't alone. She was passed out on her side, her head lying dangerously close to your leg. Your pants were still unbuttoned and you wouldn't be sitting up if not for the wall behind you.
Also, you were covered in your own blood.
It was smeared all over your chest, stomach, arms, neck and there was even some on your lips. It covered her lips and chin with rivulets running down her neck into her breasts. I don't know how long I stood there but it was enough that you passed out yourself, falling onto her like a rag doll.
I've never moved so fast in my life.
The next morning brought new apologies, new tears, and new empty promises of this being the last time. I had to wonder which action you were referring to but I feared the answer. I stayed silent to protect my sanity. I gave you a second chance, hoping against hope that you were being truthful.
Of course, you weren't.
The third night I found you, I had to turn away from all the blood. I never knew someone could lose so much without passing out, let alone dying. This time, I worked to save you myself. No use worrying Aerith more than we already have, right? You should be thanking Sora for all the magic lessons he taught me or you wouldn't be sitting on the couch like you are now.
But now you look helpless.
Your eyes are regaining the glaze that was always in them every night that I found you. Your hands are twitching even as you cross your arms tight across your chest. You've stopped listening to what I'm saying. You're berating yourself worse than anyone else could. I beg you to stop, tell you that I will leave if you don't. Tears are falling from your eyes but you are lifeless once again. I can't take this anymore.
I can't love someone who can't love himself.
It's a fake love that you have offered me.
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Of course you would leave me. I'm surprised you saved me the first time. I didn't mean to cut so deep, honest! But someone said to press harder, cut deeper. They said that no one loved me, that I didn't deserve to live and that I was burdening my friends, burdening Sora, and most of all, burdening you. I just wanted to make the voice shut up.
When you ran in, I was barely there. I wanted to apologize to you, wanted to tell you how much I loved you. You were why I started to fight to hang on. I believed that you would chase the voice away and you did.
But the voice came back.
The words it said were harsher, more direct. It said that you were with me out of pity; that you were a hero to save me from myself. It said that you would leave me once I was better. It would never shut up. I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe. I couldn't take it anymore and that's when she offered to help.
We never meant to hurt anyone.
I just wanted the voice gone. She just wanted company. We had too much to drink. We didn't know what we were doing with the knife, didn't know how hard we were pressing. We didn't know until I was covered with blood. She passed out directly afterwards. She had no idea the danger I was in, please don't blame her.
I couldn't help myself.
I don't remember you saving me that time. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital with you sleeping in a chair and Aerith checking my bandages. She never told you how hard I cried, did she? She never told you about my voice, did she?
Maybe if you had brought me back the third time, you would know the state I am in.
You would know that the voice never truly leaves. It just fades only to come back stronger than ever. There is no satisfying it or quieting it. I wanted you to be the cure but I only made it worse. Even now, I hear it saying how much pain I caused you and that I shouldn't have survived the third time. I exhausted you, I know I did. You refuse to show it but your hands are still trembling and unshed tears shine in your eyes.
The voice has grown in volume.
It won't let me hear what you are saying. No matter how hard I strain, the voice only lets me hear it. And now you are walking for the door, wiping unseen tears away. I struggle for the energy to shout out, to run after you, to do something to prevent you from walking through the door.
But it's too late.
The door slams shut behind you, breaking all the ties between us. The voice cheers in triumph at the silence. It says that no one will save me now that I hurt you. No one else cares, it says. It forces me to my feet, walks me to the bathroom where my knife is hidden under the sink.
Why couldn't you have brought it with you?
Gripping the wooden handle, I don't even notice the burn of the cut as the cool metal slices my arm. I watch the blood stream out like a flooding river, watch as it drips to the floor, knowing it will stain by the time someone finds me. If someone finds me; the voice promises that no one cares enough to come looking when I don't show up for work again.
The voice is right.
Why would you ever come back? Why would someone choose to come comfort me? I did this; I'm to blame. They will be happy I'm gone, right? The voice confirms it. Warmth slides down my cheek and I look up, imagining that it is your fingers caressing me. But no, you haven't returned. My tears give me warm comfort as I raise my hand once again.
My hand shakes so bad, I miss.
I slice the inside of my elbow with a hiss. The blood comes faster now, raining down on the white tile already covered with pools of red. I'm scared now. I don't want this! It doesn't matter anymore if the voice is right, I don't want to die! I drag myself on the floor to try to reach the phone. I'm nearly there when my vision blacks out entirely.
I never got to tell you how sorry I am.
I never got to say how real my love is, Riku.
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They found you that night, clutching the table leg. I don't think I have ever seen Sora cry so hard. I can't cry. I can't find the sadness needed to summon them. All I feel is numb as Sora sobs on my shoulder. They called me in to identify you and all I could do was stare at your face, your closed sapphire eyes and your matted golden spikes. They tell me why you died and I nearly burst out laughing.
Your death is my fault.
If I hadn't left or if I had come back like I desperately wanted to, you wouldn't be lying in a wooden box that is being lowered into the ground. I'd have you here by my side, wrapped in blankets and scarves to keep you warm and safe. You would be pointing at the cloud right there and mention that it looks like me. You'd laugh at the look on face.
You'd explain that the dragon in the clouds is a protector, like I am yours.
I can't be your protector, Cloud. I have proved that, haven't I? I left you when you needed the most protection, when you were the most vulnerable. I left you in your hour of need. Does that sound like a protector?
All I could offer was fake protection.
Like you offered me your fake love.
A/N: Yeah, don't know where the hell this came from. ^^; New style once again, review and tell me what you think ^^