A Tale of Anonymous Lovers
Chapter One: The Beginning of the End
As I doused myself in perfume, trying to hide the scent of fear, I thought, "What the hell am I doing?" Somewhere in my subconscious, a voice was telling me that I am about to ruin my life. I felt as if there was and angel and a devil propped up on my shoulder whispering my possible fate into my ears. The devil seduced me with images of love, opportunity, and all of that 'follow your heart' stuff, which I now know is nonsense. The angel spoke of bad decisions and told me how I could easily get caught or killed. Fourth period study hall, on a half-day, and there I was, thinking about how he might rape me, or kill me, or how I might not even make it to his bus. I'm sure by now you are thinking, "Who is 'he' and what are you about to do." Well I will back it up and explain some things. Basically, over the past summer, a friend of mine went out with this girl who harassed me for talking to him too much. So, as a result of my friend ignoring his girlfriend harassing me, I took the blame and escaped from their lives. Then when this school year started, I was forced to resort to asking this guy, who was then my ex-friend, some questions for my school newspaper article. Eventually he texted me and ask if we could be friends again. Of course I agreed because I missed him as a friend. That was a stupid move. A few days after our renewed friendship began he started flirting a lot. Apparently he had broken up with his condescending girlfriend in August. The hardcore flirting continued and that resulted in him asking me to come over to his house on Thursday. It had only been about five days since we renewed our friendship. Obviously I ended up gossiping about these events with my friends and they had mixed opinions. Most of the girls said to be careful but they congratulated me and wished me luck. My guy friends proceeded to tease me about getting raped but nevertheless said I should go, but only on one condition- I had to bring some sort of weapon. When the Thursday finally came I had my perfume ready to substitute pepper spray and a plan in place. I would go onto his bus and get off at his bus stop. After going to his house I would go to one of my girlfriend's house and pretend to be doing a project there. Then my mom would pick me up from her house and no one would ever know I had been at a guy's house. So that pretty much sums up the entire backstory. Now onto telling the tale of my depressing demise. As the bell rang ending fourth period I walked to his bus with my stomach in a knot and my brain scrambling to make a choice. I almost made a last ditch effort to go to my bus instead but I boarded his bus subconsciously. I felt like a whore. What kind of idiot goes over to a guy's house alone if they aren't even dating, much less good friends!? I can now conclude that that kind of idiot is me. Usually when I'm nervous I don't eat so my stomach was doing flips as I sat in a seat with my girlfriends and blocked out the world around me. I tried to calm my pounding heart but nothing can calm a soul on its way to hell. When the bus neared his stop, he texted me that his stop was the next one after the bus turns left. Well I'm sure I've already established in this story that I am an idiot, but I will prove it to you now. I got off on the wrong bus stop, and when I realized he wasn't coming, I ran back on the bus trying to hide myself from the bus driver. I didn't belong on that bus and I desperately hoped she wouldn't write me up. As we rounded the corner I got off at his stop with him and looked away, trying to hide my face of shame. We didn't talk much. I felt like I was on my way to have sex with a prostitute. All these bad thoughts I was having should've sent up a flare in my conscious saying, "YOU ARE DOING THE WRONG THING. HEAD BACK NOW." This did not happen and I proceeded with him to his house. I have to say, the inside of his house was a mess. There was mismatched furniture and random knick-knacks strewn all over the place. There were also baby pictures of him and his sister all over the place. As I looked through them he protested playfully for me to stop, but they were just so cute! I followed him to his bedroom and put down my school stuff. His room was somewhat neat, as he had promised he would clean it for my arrival. The bed was ironically the same one I have and his walls were covered in pictures of various sports teams he and I like, car posters, and some drawings. His bed displayed a comforting innocence, as it was dressed with Winnie the Pooh bed sheets. I sat down on his bed thinking to myself, "Now what do I say? This is mad awkward." He said that I would get hair on his bed and then his mom would be suspicious of where it came from. Now reader, whoever you may be, I will tell you one key thing about me. I HATE GUYS WHO ARE EMBARASSED OF HAVING A GIRLFRIEND. When he said that I just laughed and we went to his guest bedroom and talked a little bit. It was a mess too. We sat down on the bed and I curled up in his arms. Adrenaline rushed through my body and my motions were all made without thinking. I laid my head on his heart and heard his heart racing. I told him his heart was beating really fast. He said he was nervous. That was strangely comforting. I didn't feel as alone and alienated in my feelings. The cold wall behind the bed hurt our backs and we decided to go back to his bedroom, regardless of my tendencies to shed. I reassured myself that that was a good sign. Once back on his bed I completely forgot about my promise to teach him how to dance or his promise to give me a massage (even though that is super strange). I didn't know what to do since I had forgotten about our possible planned activities. He invited me under his covers to cuddle and I said, "Well wouldn't Winnie the Pooh mind", trying to lighten the mood. I agreed nevertheless and I lay in his strong arms once again. You, as the reader, are probably thinking this is going to turn into some mushy love story. Well I can assure you that it doesn't end that way, so stick around.
Chapter Two: 'Clothes On' Sex
I began to fall asleep in his warm arms, with his body around mine. Things had certainly moved fast since our renewed friendship only a few days before. The next few minutes of my visit are a bit blurry but it went something like this. My eyes were closed as I drifted in and out of sleep and he kept his face near mine. His arms were wrapped around my body protecting me from everything. As it turned out, the only thing I needed protecting from was he, but that's later in the story. His lips brushed against mine slowly and cautiously. So I moved closer. Wouldn't you? Don't judge me. He pressed his lips to mine unsurely and they parted only to enclose on mine. Being that that was my first kiss, I just lay there motionlessly. He had braces so that was the first obstacle. I felt cold metal in my mouth and adrenaline rushed through my veins. He continued to kiss me delicately but eventually a tongue came into play. As my cousin would later tell me, I was an idiot for just leaving my tongue out of it and being awkward. My first kiss soon turned into a passionate French kiss, which I now know, I most certainly did not want. This continued for what felt like forever and I realized that I didn't really like it. I don't think he is a good kisser. I can also now conclude that I didn't really like him so that probably was why I didn't enjoy him 'sucking face'. When he finally released I breathed a sigh of relief. I was relieved that I got him off my face but also that I got my first kiss over with. I opened my eyes and he his. I told him that was my first kiss and he said it was his too. He then asked me if it was very special. I told him it was special and I still agree with that statement now. However now I am not sure if that was the kind of special I wanted. We continued to lie in each other's arms making small talk here and there. Although I will admit, we didn't do much talking. My friends kept texting me trying to get updates on my little date, but I decided to ignore the texts. He moved his hands over my body and I instantly felt high on love. It wasn't as vulgar as that probably sounds though. His hands moved in circular motions over my back and occasionally brushed the hair out of my face. I have to say, the small motion of him brushing away my hair with care was the cutest thing in the world. Sometimes he kissed my neck slowly, careful not to take it too far. When he had invited me over to his house I stated out-right that I would NOT have sex with him, and he said he didn't even have any condoms so it was okay. I do not know how you feel about that bit of information but I now think of it as much too relaxed for the severity of the topic. Trying to seem cool about the dirty activities in the making, I placed my hands confidently on him. My hands matched his motions of caressing me and I slowly moved them down to his lower back. His hands were on my lower back at this point, on my bare skin. I will not lie and say that I got up and left at that point. It felt good and I had previously told him that there would be no explicit touching so I trusted him. Feel free to call me a slut at this point. Later one of my friends pointed out that my activities with him were called 'clothes on' sex. If I had known how dirty everything was I wouldn't have ever gone. Or maybe I did know and I just didn't want to believe it. Now you can call me a dumbass. I would even encourage it. I tell myself that I'm a dumbass all the time so what's the difference if one other person does too. I cannot remember much about what happened. He fell asleep once, which was adorable. He slept with his mouth open, just like how I sleep. When he woke up I teased him about it but he said its because he cannot breathe otherwise. I told him that I was the same way. I suppose I thought we were perfect for each other because our nose problems matched. At one point his legs were wrapped around me and at another he was practically on top of me. Somehow he got to my lips again and kissed me passionately. I didn't think he was getting any better at it. I put my hands around his neck and through his hair trying to seem interested but I was thinking that I would much rather just lie in bed with him. At some point one of my friends called and I decided to answer that time. It turned out that she was at the guy's house, ready to take me to my girlfriend's house so I had to say goodbye to him. He hugged me goodbye and then I kissed him. I had to stand on my tippy toes to reach him but I guess I did it because I thought if I initiated it, I would be better. I refused the tongue and I think some sparks flew? It was a much better kiss though. His hands moved slowly down my back and onto my butt, which I did not approve of. Even though at that moment I felt as if everything had gone right, I broke away from the kiss and smiled up at him. "I thought you weren't that kind of guy," I said, referring to the hand placement. He said something like, "what are you talking about" with a knowing smile. I laughed and gathered my things to leave.
Chapter Three: How My Heart was Raped and Disposed
The next part of my story involves a lot of gossiping. I had gone back to my girlfriend's house with another friend and we all talked about what had happened at the guy's house. We talked about one of my friend's progressing love life. Mostly I felt like I was wearing a red letter A like in the scarlet letter. I had moved the farthest out of my friends in my love life and I was conflicted between feeling proud or dirty. I'm sure most of my friends had expected me to come in last place in the race for relationships in high school. All the gossiping was great until it wasn't. I trusted that my friends wouldn't spread rumors but things didn't exactly go as planned. One of my girlfriends told another one of my friends that I was over at this guy's house. I was completely fine with it until the friend who had received the information went and asked the guy about what went on while I was at his house. I'm not entirely sure about what she said but I do know that I was pissed that she told the guy that I was telling people about what had happened. The guy had texted me. I still have the exact conversation so I suppose I will just insert it here. He asked me, "How many people did you tell about this -_- Please just keep this between you and I. Ugh", and immediately I felt like I was at fault for asking advice from my girlfriends. I now know that I didn't do anything wrong but at the time I was filled with self-hate. I replied, "Okay " as I was at a loss for words. He said, "Your friend just asked me about this -_- I don't want people to know about this. It sounds like we had sex…" At that point I had talked to my girlfriends and one of them admitted to telling my other friend about it. I already talked about this but when I explained it to him this is how it went. I told him how I had just told one friend at that point and she had told someone else. I also said that I needed someone to talk to about it so I hoped it was okay. This was somewhat a lie. I had actually told more people at that point but I really did need someone to talk to and I thought it was completely unfair of him to decide how everything went. He responded by saying, "Don't tell anyone else please, I'm just going to tell your friend that we were doing a project for marine bio, and make sure that your friend doesn't tell anyone else." I felt ashamed and at fault at that point. I could tell that from there, everything was going south. After that we talked about how he wasn't even in marine biology, but then I made the mistake of asking him something. I asked him if we were dating. I'm not sure if you are now thinking that I am even more stupid than you originally thought or if you agree with my motives. Such an immense thing had occurred that afternoon and I really wanted an explanation for it so I just wanted to see if there was some kind of hidden meaning. He said 'ummm no…', which completely crushed my heart. He said it with such disdain that I even felt the dagger of hate he was sending through my phone. I then said, "So this was like an affair lol", trying to sound nonchalant about how I was slowly dying inside. He said, "I guess lol, can we just not talk about it lol." Now as the reader stop reading and think about that. How would you feel. I felt completely used and dirty and confused and hurt all at the same time. I told him that I didn't think it was fair just to 'not talk about it'. He just said, 'really?' I should've recognized that by the way he said it, there was not an ounce of compassion in his words. I told him that I am not just his toy and he didn't reply. So I said, "Now you're gonna give me the cold shoulder? I'm sure you can see this." A bit later he said the following. "Lol I was in the shower. I'm not sure if I liked what happened today… I don't even know how it happened.. JUST PLEASE don't tell your friends about this. I need some time to think… Can I just get some space for a few days?" I think after reading that I cried for a bit. I don't think I slept or ate after reading that either. How should one feel about that? I am pretty good at reading people, and decoding what their words and actions mean. I am positive that 'Can I just get some space for a few days?" means, "I will not be talking to you ever again so please just leave me alone." I responded by trying to sound angry but be understanding at the same time. I said, "Honestly what else were you expecting when you invited me over… -_- Take as much time as you need." Maybe I induced the fact that he didn't talk to me a week after that, and still hasn't, by saying 'take as much time as you need'. My heart felt so incredibly conflicted when I saw him in school the following week. I pretended to act like I wasn't affected by his cold rejection. I had told most of my friends about what had happened. I didn't care that he said not to. I was over whelmed with feelings of self-hatred. This isn't the first time a relationship has ended badly for me. Even as I am re-reading our texts to each other now, I feel the urge to curl into a ball and fall asleep forever. A week and a day after our little date I sent the following message to him, "I know what happened last week was weird. I only asked if we were dating to get some kind of explanation. I never meant to impose on you. I would much rather talk in person… but ignoring each other again will not be any fun and if you want to be just friends, I would love that ". All of my friends told me I was too nice and that he is a jackass who should feel my pain. In spite of all my hurt feelings and animosity towards him, I cannot find a way to get revenge. The ball is in his court. When I sent him that message, which was the day before I am writing this, Facebook said that he had never seen it. It still says that he hasn't seen it, even though I have seen him online multiple times since I sent the message. I am positive he has seen it but at this point there is nothing more for me too do. All I can hope is that since he is Christian and has committed these lustful and selfish acts, he will go to hell for sinning. If he does happen to respond I will alert all of you readers who have stuck with me to the end. I am on my way to Florida at the moment for a week of fall break. Hopefully the warm sweet air of the sunshine state will mend my broken heart and I can go back to school feeling as if I have stolen the ball from his court and kept it for myself, forever. This is where the story ends. How the beginning of something special became the end of my innocence. How I survived 'clothes on' sex, but quickly became the loser after my heart was raped and left to wither in pain. I hope that you take something away from my experience, because I pray that this never happens to anyone ever. No one deserves this pain, except maybe that guy.
Chapter Four: Do I win?
As promised, this is the update chapter to my experience. So I guess I was wrong about him replying. He did end up replying around 9 o'clock the same night I wrote the other previous chapters. That was last night. A day after I sent him the message in the first place. All he ended up saying was "lol alright". Honestly what is alright or funny about anything that happened. I felt completely unsatisfied with that answer and presumed to ignore him. Obviously I gossiped with my best friends, I mean, how could you not? It occurred to me that this guy clearly has some kind of communication disability. He does not think about anything that he is saying, regardless of the fact that it took him more than a day to reply. After I had viewed the message on Facebook, I refused to reply, yet he decided to send me another message. This time he sent me a picture saying "Naked Cuddles are the Best" and he stated, "Lolol I saw this and thought of you ." How disrespectful of him. Horrific thoughts of public opinion flooded my mind. Does everyone think these things about me? Am I viewed as a slut? Although that lowered my self-esteem to a negative percentage, I continued to ignore him. My friends continued to bash him, which I approved of, and I fought the urge to cry in front of my oblivious parents. They didn't know anything of this guy and I intended to keep it that way. They have enough problems to deal with between themselves and our family. I do not need to add to that burden. Even though the ball is in my court now and I will continue to ignore him, I do not feel as if I have won. I should feel like that because it is my decision to ignore him, right? There is still a nagging feeling in my gut. I feel guilty and responsible for my own demise. My friends are constantly reassuring me that he is a jackass and nothing is my fault, but I'm sure they just feel obligated to say that. In regard to my public image, I dearly hope that I haven't stained it forever. First impressions are everything and I fear that I gave him the wrong one from the beginning. I am not someone who you can easily wrap around your finger and seduce into having sex with. Hopefully he doesn't go and spread false rumors about how 'easy' I am. I have made my new ambition to raise my standards for guys cleanse my image by cutting him out of my life. Although he was a great person just as a friend, I have now seen how he treats girls, and I think it would be the best decision to just try and ignore him. Losing a friend is never easy. We have been friends for a long time, but maybe all that means is that it has just been a long time. Clearly I've made a huge mistake letting him toy with my feelings, but as a wise friend of mine said, mistakes are meant to be made and I will become a better person once I learn from them. At the moment I am continuing the laborious drive down to Florida. My family and I stayed the night over in Fayetteville, North Carolina. I am a city born girl but there is something very satisfying about being in the middle of nowhere. It is refreshing to be surrounded by simplicity. I literally just passed a hitchhiker on the road and squealed with joy. Now that is something you don't see in New Jersey or New York. Hopefully after my time in the sunshine state, I will be able to come back to the north as a refreshed person. Obviously I will update this short story that has become something of a venting book. Until next crisis, xoxo Soni.