He looked at her from the wrong side of the fence, the wrong side of the values she'd built around her ankles and shackled herself to.
He looked at her through regret and pain, through longing and heartache that he didn't know he was capable of.
He looked at her through the eyes of a dead man walking and knew before his feet paved the way what she wanted him to do.
He looked at her through spiked eyelashes fringed with tears and walked away, tinged with fears of never again.
She watched him go. She'd asked him to but he had known it was coming, and declarations of love too late and promises that couldn't survive long enough to breathe wouldn't make a difference. Enough damage had been done already and she was about to put a stop to it, a big black full stop which finished the chapter and lead neatly onto Book 2. Of new beginnings and fresh starts, of family and loyalty. Except as she gathered her family to her and ushered them towards the car, it occurred to Rachel that things don't start quite that neatly.
Phil couldn't look his mother in the stomach let alone in the eye, and he wasn't too keen on being in the same immediate space as her. He kept on darting pleading eyes at Rachel, as if willing her to do something, anything to stop what had crumbled down around his ears falling much further. Melissa didn't seem to be entirely pleased either. Her intention of waltzing back in and out again with Phil and Eddie in dutiful tow hadn't precisely gone to plan, and she found herself once more at the mercy of her sister. Her trembling and heartbroken sister, who wasn't looking at either of them as she ushered them into her house, an eerie silence falling down between them like dry ice.
The three of them stood awkwardly in the hallway, before Rachel put an arm gently around Phil and ushered him to the stairs.
"I know you've got a lot of questions. I don't blame you, and you're more than entitled to ask them; but it would help me quite a bit if you could give you mum and me a while to talk first."
He nodded dutifully, and as he turned his back to traipse up to his room he whispered just beneath his breath in an offering of hope "I can stay here though, can't I?""
In that second the bravado and defences slipped away and all that was standing before her was a terrified child, whose eyes were pleading. She smiled, and imperceptibly nodded, not wanting Melissa to bear witness to what she was committing herself to. Not yet. As Phil turned on his heels and walked upstairs Rachel pointed to the kitchen and gestured to her sister to lead the way. Melissa's eyes darted quickly to her left and then back again, as if quickly weighing up her options. She rested a hand gently on her stomach and let her posture fall, slinging her bag on the floor and sighing.
"Rach it's been a really long day and I'm so tired, can we do this tomorrow? I'll just lie down for a bit in the spare room and-" She was cut off, by the look of absolute fury that had clouded Rachel's face, shadows of anger etching themselves across her forehead. "But ok, I'm sure I could do with a cup of tea..." She faltered as she walked through and sat on a kitchen chair resting both hands on the table and shifting uncomfortably. "I'd forgotten what a pain this pregnancy lark is." It was a poor attempt to lighten the mood and it didn't help matters. Rachel's mind was working overtime to try and process all the options that were available to her, Flick and Ralph, Eddie, Mel, Phil; but all that she could think about was the woman making herself comfortable in her home, the woman she had to love no matter what, the woman who was carrying Eddie's child.
And oh how she was jealous.
The words shocked her when they came, she hadn't realised that she had made a choice until she heard it hang between them, limp and final.
"You can't stay here, you know that don't you?""
Mel furrowed her eyebrows. Panic flickered in her eyes as the realisation that she might not be able to take her big sister for such an easy ride this time began to rise. "Rach, rach you can't leave me to do this on my own, I can't look after two kids on my own, I can't I don't know what-""
"You won't.""
Melissa visibly relaxed. "Oh. What did you-"
"You won't be looking after two kids on your own Melissa because for now, Phil is staying here." Had she been less emotionally wrecked she might have enjoyed the look of horror that flashed across her sisters face. "And before you say it, he's 16. He's old enough to choose and no, I don't think he'll be following you off into the sunset to play happy families. And you? I'll support you. I'll help you. I'll do everything I can for you and the baby but I can't have you under my roof, you have to understand that."
Melissa looked as if she'd been slapped across the face, hard.
"You don't get it, do you? What you've done? What's happened? I loved him. Do you understand that?" Her words were fast becoming mingled with tears and pity which in their lethal combination had combined to streak her make up delightfully down her face. One stray tear slid down to rest on the tip of her nose, and she hastily wiped it away. "Now go. Go upstairs, talk to your son, and when I get back in an hour you'll have found somewhere to stay."
Wordlessly Rachel picked up her coat and slinging it over her arm walked out, longing for the brittle anonymity of the freezing northern air. She didn't know where she was headed, nor did she care as the deep winds seemed to stoke her tears and swell the loneliness that swept over her in a wave of reality. She desperately wiped her eyes, not noticing the mascara smudged on her palms and over her shirt sleeves. She didn't notice the rain, when it started, nor that she was still carrying her coat. There was only cold; and an emptiness that wouldn't settle. There was only the hollow footfall of dreams spat away.
...
He knew she would come.
He didn't know why; but the bench they had sat on for hours talking, for hours staring, for hours basking in each other's smiles had called to him. Never mind the torrential rain, or the gale blowing up, or the anger. He saw her walk towards him, childlike and wronged, and his heart swelled in overture far and beyond love. He saw her surprised and not surprised at all, taking the hit of his presence as gracefully as she had taken everything else that day. Except as she crept closer he could see that she didn't look graceful at all.
The rain had bid farewell to her makeup and the dark flash of twilight echoed her trembling shoulders. Her hair was plastered to her face and her clothes soaked through, and yet.
And yet.
She was still the most beautiful he had ever seen her.
She sat down, or collapsed and melted into his embrace. He wrapped his fingers around hers and searched hopelessly for a word that would make it all right. For Mercy, for Hope. He was searching still as his lips found hers, a kiss mingled with tears and rain and panic.
But there was only one word; and it tasted bitter, like warm copper on his lips as she pressed it tightly to them.
"Goodbye."