Greetings...I took brief break from Snowblind and this is what I have to show for it. This is strictly for shits and giggles so take it for what it is, a goofy GoW parody as our band of heroes attempt to live a normal, suburban life!
The Pursuit of Happiness
If there is anything left to sure of in our measly existence, it is that all things must come to an end…wait…what the hell was I writing about? Oh yea, ahem…
…breaking out into comedy!
Act I
"New Jacinto," the newly established city as it is called, since that douchebag, Chairman Prescott was too lazy and unoriginal to call it something else, our band of heroes formerly known as Delta squad find peace and quiet…ok maybe not quiet, but definitely peace as the four morons, I mean Gears find a means to reintegrate back into a "normal," existence for a better society…yea right.
Outside a large house on the corner lot of a newly constructed neighborhood. A crash rings out from the house, followed by yelling,
Anya - MARCUS!
Marcus comes inside the house, groaning as he sees his sweet newly wed wife of a few months standing near the stairwell of their beautiful home, arms crossed and scowling.
Anya – I've had it Marcus…they're going to have to go!
Marcus – Groan, What happened now?
Anya – Cole and Dom broke the window, again, playing "Sports Resort" on the Wii Marcus…THE Wii!!
Marcus – Look Anya, they don't have any other place to go…
Anya – Bullshit Marcus…they are just as capable of finding their own place, just like Clay Carmine and his girlfriend, whatshername…
********
Flashback to Carmine's apartment, he manages to remember to get her a birthday present and hands it too her wrapped in a plastic GameStop bag…
Carmine C – hey honey, I got you…uh…a new game for your birthday.
Whatshername – Grrrrrr.
********
Back to the Fenix castle…
Marcus – Well…they have been helpful around the house…(scratching the back of his neck while trying to find some lame excuse to keep them around) I mean….Dom cuts the grass, Cole does the laundry…and…Dom cuts the grass…
Anya – You said that already!
Marcus – Oh, and they watch Marcus Jr while we get to go out…ya know…for some,
you and me time…
Anya – You have got to be f***ing kidding me…Baird is NOT the kind of babysitter I had in mind for our son…
********
Flashback: In the living room where Baird is sitting on the couch in his underwear, watching Skinemax, drinking a beer, while two-year old Marcus Jr. is duct taped to his activity saucer to keep him from crawling out.
Baird – Ok kid…can you say, T-I-T-T-I-E-S?
Marcus Jr. – (raising his hands in the air) Ditties!
Baird – Close enough.
The very next day while Anya gets Marcus Jr. ready for daycare…
Anya – Now, can you say mommy?
Marcus Jr. – (raising his hands in the air) Titties!
Anya's jaw drops in shock…
********
Anya - …and furthermore, I'm tired of Dom hogging the bathroom.
Marcus – How can he hog the bathroom?
Anya – He spends fifteen minutes waxing his hairy ass, and then another twenty minutes crying in the shower!
********
Flashback, Dom sobbing in the shower.
Dom – Boohoohoo….MAAARRRIIAA…sob.
********
Anya - …and then uses up all of the aftershave and then I hear later from Cole and Baird, whining that Dom uses up all the aftershave! I swear, Marcus, he's bathing in it, you can smell him from outside when he's
trimming the hedges!
Marcus – Well if you want, we'll get him his own bathroom!
Anya – What? No! I'm not going to bend over backwards to accommodate these guys in MY house! It's like when we built the detached garage, just so Baird can live in it!
Marcus – We did that so he could have some space to work on the car,
Anya – No, we did that just so we could get him out of the bedroom next to ours, remember?
********
Flashback sequence in Baird's room, next to the master bedroom. He's lying in bed, completely awake, groaning from the noise and "thumping" coming through the walls.
"…oh yea, baby, a little more, just like that…"
Baird – (Yelling, while banging his fist against the wall), Alright, it's three o' clock in the f***ing morning, knock it off already! I swear, I'm getting y'all a TV...
********
Anya – And I'm tired of Cole putting holes in the walls and ceiling from jumping up and down on his bed…
********
Cole jumps up and down on his bed…
Cole – WOO…yea (jumps up and does s flip in the air and lands back on the bed) the Train's still got it!
Meanwhile downstairs, Dom is reading one of Baird's Penthouse magazine's when a piece of drywall drops on his head after a large thud…
DOM – Shit Cole…(yells out) will you quit that?!
********
Anya - …and to top all of this off, we're getting complaints from the neighbors about the skinny-dipping in the pool!
Marcus – Well, it is in the back yard, what are the neighbors doing looking over our fence?
Anya – I'm talking about our son's blow-up pool in the front yard Marcus!
Marcus – Oh.
Now, depending on the response, I'll write more later, in the meantime, I hope you got a few laughs!