We'd been talking for hours, about all sorts of things: hope, depression, the need for others, his father, those he called his friends, everything. He told me they didn't understand him, those he called his family and his friends.
"Do you think," I began after he told me that, "that you're really afraid of someone finally understanding you, because you think that they'd hate you once they saw who you really were?" He looked contemplative for a moment.
"Do you hate me, Kaworu?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I could never hate you, Ikari Shinji." He sighed and looked relieved.
"Then I guess I shouldn't be scared of that"
I smiled at him. "See? I understand you, and I see who you really are, Shinji, but I don't hate you." A second later, Shinji had crawled out of his makeshift bed on the floor and was kneeling beside my bed, watching me intently.
"Will you tell me again?" Shinji asked, blushing slightly.
"Tell you what again?" I asked, not sure what he meant.
"What you told me before in the bath" I smiled, knowing what he was talking about. "I love you, Shinji." He looked down, closing his eyes. I sat up in bed. "Is something wrong? Shinji?"
"Would you would you touch me again please?" he pleaded, reaching out blindly with his hand, his voice tinged with desperation. I was surprised by the tone of his voice, and I reached out and took his hand, stroking his fingers with my own. He smiled slightly, his fingers curling around mine. Neither of us said a word for a long time, and he kept his eyes closed.
Finally Shinji opened his eyes and looked into mine. "I was scared for so long"
"Scared of what?" I asked in a whisper.
"I was scared I'd be alone I don't want to be alone" "No one wants to be alone, Shinji" I replied, touching his cheek lightly. He sighed.
"I know but I was also afraid if anyone saw the real me, they'd hate me"
"Why? You're a good person, Shinji, a quality that is rare nowadays" I brushed his bangs out of his face.
"Do you really think so?" he asked, his eyes burning into mine. I nodded. "I wanted someone like you for so long," he continued. "Someone like you, Kaworu someone like you" He blinked, and I could see the tears threatening his composure.
"No, don't cry," I pleaded. "You deserve happiness if you'll let me, I'd like to try and make you happy, Shinji" //At least for tonight// I thought, remembering what tomorrow brought. Shinji lost the battle with his hidden tears, and I pulled him up onto the bed with me, using my sleeve to wipe the moisture off of his face. He gave me a tiny smile as thanks, and I smiled back, but then Shinji turned serious again and looked down.
"Can I ask you something else?" Shinji questioned.
"Anything," I replied, wrapping my arms around him lightly.
"Would you kiss me?" I looked down at the boy who was now sitting in my lap. Shinji was blushing. "It sounds stupid, I know, but" I stopped him by placing a finger to his lips and leaning closer.
"It's not stupid" I whispered in his ear, then softly placed my mouth against his. Shinji closed his eyes, crushing up against me as if he was afraid I would disappear. Curled up together on that bed in a room buried deep within NERV headquarters, Shinji and I kissed. We kissed like we had lived our entire lives waiting for this one moment, this moment when we would finally find each other. And we had, sitting there in each other's arms. He was the one who would show me what humanity really was. But it had gone so much further than that, for both of us. I needed to know who he was, inside and out. The need to do so nearly drove me over the edge.
It was to be our first and last night together. I did not tell him, but I'm sure somewhere, deep inside, Shinji knew I would have to leave him as well, somehow, in someway. But the night- that night- belonged to us, belonged to what we shared with each other. And it seemed both of us knew exactly what to do, exactly where to touch, like we were truly meant to be together, and our bodies had been made for each other. It seemed like everything I'd known, the physical boundaries of my own body, were disappearing and I was merging with him. I didn't ever think it would be possible for me to lose who I was in someone else like I did with Shinji. And from the look in his eyes the whole time, I could tell Shinji felt the same.
After hours of lovemaking, we finally relaxed in each other's arms, trying to regain a sense of reality as our breaths and heartbeats returned to normal.
"Kaworu?" Shinji whispered, his breath tickling my neck. "Hm?" I asked, looking at my lover softly.
"Will you stay with me forever?" My heart hurt at the question because I knew the answer.
"Well" I began, searching for words. "Maybe I won't always be with you in body but I will always be in your heart, and in your mind, if you choose to remember me" Shinji looked at me then, his eyes full of some sort of new understanding.
"As long as you promise" he said. "I would never forget you"
"I promise I'll never truly leave you" I said. "Even if it may seem that way" "I promise I'd never forget you, in that case," Shinji replied. I smiled at him and kissed him, and we returned to the safety and comfort of our one night together.
The pain my body felt before death was nothing compared to the pain Shinji felt afterwards. The deep anguish, longing, and depression that I had felt from him before had returned, worse than before.
But he promised he would never forget me.
So he doesn't have to worry.
Because I'll always be with him.
OWARI
"Do you think," I began after he told me that, "that you're really afraid of someone finally understanding you, because you think that they'd hate you once they saw who you really were?" He looked contemplative for a moment.
"Do you hate me, Kaworu?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I could never hate you, Ikari Shinji." He sighed and looked relieved.
"Then I guess I shouldn't be scared of that"
I smiled at him. "See? I understand you, and I see who you really are, Shinji, but I don't hate you." A second later, Shinji had crawled out of his makeshift bed on the floor and was kneeling beside my bed, watching me intently.
"Will you tell me again?" Shinji asked, blushing slightly.
"Tell you what again?" I asked, not sure what he meant.
"What you told me before in the bath" I smiled, knowing what he was talking about. "I love you, Shinji." He looked down, closing his eyes. I sat up in bed. "Is something wrong? Shinji?"
"Would you would you touch me again please?" he pleaded, reaching out blindly with his hand, his voice tinged with desperation. I was surprised by the tone of his voice, and I reached out and took his hand, stroking his fingers with my own. He smiled slightly, his fingers curling around mine. Neither of us said a word for a long time, and he kept his eyes closed.
Finally Shinji opened his eyes and looked into mine. "I was scared for so long"
"Scared of what?" I asked in a whisper.
"I was scared I'd be alone I don't want to be alone" "No one wants to be alone, Shinji" I replied, touching his cheek lightly. He sighed.
"I know but I was also afraid if anyone saw the real me, they'd hate me"
"Why? You're a good person, Shinji, a quality that is rare nowadays" I brushed his bangs out of his face.
"Do you really think so?" he asked, his eyes burning into mine. I nodded. "I wanted someone like you for so long," he continued. "Someone like you, Kaworu someone like you" He blinked, and I could see the tears threatening his composure.
"No, don't cry," I pleaded. "You deserve happiness if you'll let me, I'd like to try and make you happy, Shinji" //At least for tonight// I thought, remembering what tomorrow brought. Shinji lost the battle with his hidden tears, and I pulled him up onto the bed with me, using my sleeve to wipe the moisture off of his face. He gave me a tiny smile as thanks, and I smiled back, but then Shinji turned serious again and looked down.
"Can I ask you something else?" Shinji questioned.
"Anything," I replied, wrapping my arms around him lightly.
"Would you kiss me?" I looked down at the boy who was now sitting in my lap. Shinji was blushing. "It sounds stupid, I know, but" I stopped him by placing a finger to his lips and leaning closer.
"It's not stupid" I whispered in his ear, then softly placed my mouth against his. Shinji closed his eyes, crushing up against me as if he was afraid I would disappear. Curled up together on that bed in a room buried deep within NERV headquarters, Shinji and I kissed. We kissed like we had lived our entire lives waiting for this one moment, this moment when we would finally find each other. And we had, sitting there in each other's arms. He was the one who would show me what humanity really was. But it had gone so much further than that, for both of us. I needed to know who he was, inside and out. The need to do so nearly drove me over the edge.
It was to be our first and last night together. I did not tell him, but I'm sure somewhere, deep inside, Shinji knew I would have to leave him as well, somehow, in someway. But the night- that night- belonged to us, belonged to what we shared with each other. And it seemed both of us knew exactly what to do, exactly where to touch, like we were truly meant to be together, and our bodies had been made for each other. It seemed like everything I'd known, the physical boundaries of my own body, were disappearing and I was merging with him. I didn't ever think it would be possible for me to lose who I was in someone else like I did with Shinji. And from the look in his eyes the whole time, I could tell Shinji felt the same.
After hours of lovemaking, we finally relaxed in each other's arms, trying to regain a sense of reality as our breaths and heartbeats returned to normal.
"Kaworu?" Shinji whispered, his breath tickling my neck. "Hm?" I asked, looking at my lover softly.
"Will you stay with me forever?" My heart hurt at the question because I knew the answer.
"Well" I began, searching for words. "Maybe I won't always be with you in body but I will always be in your heart, and in your mind, if you choose to remember me" Shinji looked at me then, his eyes full of some sort of new understanding.
"As long as you promise" he said. "I would never forget you"
"I promise I'll never truly leave you" I said. "Even if it may seem that way" "I promise I'd never forget you, in that case," Shinji replied. I smiled at him and kissed him, and we returned to the safety and comfort of our one night together.
The pain my body felt before death was nothing compared to the pain Shinji felt afterwards. The deep anguish, longing, and depression that I had felt from him before had returned, worse than before.
But he promised he would never forget me.
So he doesn't have to worry.
Because I'll always be with him.
OWARI