"Love."
What exactly was that word?
The harsh midday sun beat down on 9S's back as he followed 2B through the rolling dunes of the desert, his feet sinking ever so slightly into the soft sand with each step. He moved without thinking about it, his thoughts entirely elsewhere.
Love. Love. Love. That word, over and over, repeated in the crackling monotone of a machine. The machines were obsessed with love, but he still wasn't sure they understood it. Love was an emotion far too complex for machines to understand.
At least, that was what he thought. He'd felt certain that if he took a look around in a lovestruck machine's source code, he'd find the relevant behaviors all neatly mapped out in its routines. He'd hacked so many machines.
And he still hadn't found it.
Whatever drove the machines to their obsession with this particular human emotion, he couldn't find it. It was like they were deviating from their programming, but he knew that was impossible. It was probably buried deep somewhere - he knew he'd find it eventually. He wasn't sure he wanted to keep digging around in machines' heads though. He didn't like having anything to do with them in the first place.
The more he explored the conundrum of love, however, he began to realize that he didn't understand it either. He'd come into the world full of preconceptions - thinking he knew his exact purpose, his place in the world. Thinking he understood the things he felt without a need for words. But in his time on the surface with 2B, those preconceived notions had been falling apart, little by little.
In truth, he felt more kinship with the androids of the resistance than he did with YoRHa. Freely able to express their emotions, they seemed far more aware of what it meant to be human than he did. He'd even seen some of them in pairs, or "couples", as they preferred to be called. What was it that drove them to bond like that? Would he understand better if he weren't constantly forced to contain himself?
His thoughts drifted away as he focused his attention on the woman in front of him, maintaining a brisk pace as they alternately climbed the dunes or slid down them. He didn't know exactly how he felt about her. He'd like to have believed he was in love with her, but in truth, he wasn't sure what that entailed. He wanted to protect her; to be near her; to help her. But when he tried to apply a word to what he felt, he was always left with a nagging sense of uncertainty.
Eventually, the two of them slowed down as they approached an old, dilapidated ruin in the middle of the desert. At this point, little was left other than a crumbling staircase, halfway sunken into the sand. That, and an odd-looking machine that might have felt out-of-place if it wasn't covered in rust-colored paint.
"Alert: Mail notification received from access point," pod 042's robotic voice cut through the sound of the whipping wind all around them.
"I know," 2B said, the slightest hint of irritation in her voice. She walked up to the access point, and a screen lit up in response to her presence. She prodded a button on the screen, and at once, a small keyboard projected itself from beneath the screen. Her fingers went to work tapping away at the keys as she checked and responded to her mail with a decidedly professional air about her.
9S watched her work, a frown on his face. The wind howled in his ears, the sun baked his artificial skin, and again he felt that aching curiosity. The words left him before he'd really considered them. "Have you ever been in love, 2B?"
The methodical motion of 2B's fingers stopped all at once, and she stood frozen before the access point for a full second before turning her head to look in his direction. "What?"
Almost immediately he found himself regretting his question, casting his gaze downward to avoid taking in the accusatory look on her face. He rubbed awkwardly at his hair as he repeated his question, well aware that she had heard him clearly the first time. "Have you… ever been in love?"
For a long few moments, the only sound that passed between them was the whistling of the wind. He couldn't quite make himself look up at her.
"Emotions are prohibited," came the anticipated response, as if that should dispel all of his curiosity.
Normally, it might have shut him up, but today, it only irked him. He lifted his head, brow creased as he stared at her. "That doesn't mean we don't feel them, though. I've heard the operators back on the bunker talking about love fortunes and soulmates, even, so it's not like it never comes up." He tried to give her an encouraging smile. "C'mon. I promise I won't tell."
2B stiffened for a moment before turning her attention back to the access point. She typed out a few more lines in silence before pushing the keyboard back into its hidden slot with a cursory gesture. "I fail to see the value in discussing such things."
His smile faded. "Can it really hurt? I just want to understand, is all…"
She shook her head as she turned towards him, crossing her arms over her chest. "There's nothing to understand, 9S."
"What do you mean?" he asked. He'd spent the whole day mulling over the concept.
"We're YoRHa androids. Even if we do feel things, it's not our place to indulge them. We're the only ones who can complete our mission. We owe it to humanity to set aside such distractions."
9S deflated as he nodded in a tiny motion. "...Yeah. I guess you're right," he admitted. "I just can't help being curious sometimes…"
"I know," she replied. There might have been a hint of sympathy in her voice. "Let's go," she said as she began to lead the way away from the little ruin and its attendant access point.
He moved to follow her back out into the rolling dunes, but once again his thoughts were elsewhere. He supposed he'd need to do some independent research.
Finding old books in the ruins was hard enough; to find books on a specific subject was a task bordering upon impossibility in most cases. So it came as a great surprise to 9S that he should be offered a book on human courtship by only the second person he would ask at the resistance camp.
Unfortunately, that person happened to be the strange woman wearing a machine's head, who always sat near the entrance to the camp. 9S had always been skeptical of everything that came out of her mouth, a matter perhaps exacerbated by her choice of headwear. But he wasn't so cynical that he would refuse her offer of assistance, and so it was that he found himself sitting on the bedside in his and 2B's shared dormitory at the camp, leafing slowly through the book.
It was rather short, all-in-all. He'd very nearly finished it within a few hours, carefully taking in every detail he could about matters of romance and bonding.
"I must go to my friend; but you will wait for me? No matter how late; you will wait for me, Robert?"
"Don't go; don't go! Oh! Edna, stay with me," he pleaded. "Why should you go? Stay with me, stay with me."
9S took another mental note as the heroine embraced her lover for the umpteenth time that chapter. There seemed to be a lot of physical closeness involved in courtship and romance. He wasn't sure he could understand that, either. Perhaps it had something to do with human anatomy that simply hadn't been reproduced in androids. Then again, he'd not had ample opportunities to be close to others; most all of his physical encounters in life had been combat.
He sighed and shut the book, quite certain he was going to glean no further information from it. He glanced to the other bed, where 2B was presently resting. Still he could not ascertain exactly how he felt about her. A sigh escaped him as he rose to his feet and left the room, returning to the strange woman with her machine head nearby.
"I think I'm done with this," he said, returning the book to her with a frown. "I can't seem to get anything out of it."
"Well, what is it that you're after?" she asked him, they eyes of her mask lighting up for a moment.
He ignored the slight chill it sent down his spine as he shrugged. "I want to understand love. That's all."
The woman cocked her head to one side, the gesture somewhat comical with her oversized helmet. "Well then, perhaps what you need is a first-hand experience!"
"W-what?" he took a cautious step back from the woman.
She laughed. "Oh, nothing so crass. I was merely going to suggest that you try engaging in a courtship ritual of your own. Perhaps offer a heartfelt gift to someone you care about?"
"A gift?" 9S scratched his chin as he thought about it. "Like what? What did humans usually give each other when they wanted to engage in courtship?"
"Well," the woman said, "from my understanding, most humans offered each other flowers and confectionaries as a sign of affection. I don't think such offerings would be quite so effective amongst androids. Perhaps something more practical?"
"Practical…" 9S muttered to himself. "I'll have to think about it," he said, giving the woman a nod. "Thank you. Really."
"Oh, it was no trouble at all. Do tell me how it works out…" she replied, a teasing note to her voice. He grimaced as he stepped away from her.
He feet took him on a slow circuit of the camp on autopilot as he mused on what he could possibly offer as a gift. Of course, the entire idea was probably a bad one. The only two people he could think of to give gifts to were 21O and 2B. The operator was very much the no-nonsense sort, and it would be difficult to bring a gift up to the bunker besides. And 2B… she'd made her opinion on the matter of gifts more than clear. She would almost certainly prefer not to receive any gifts whatsoever.
But still, maybe the act of finding something gift-worthy would be enough. It would give him something to take his mind off his relentless curiosity; he always felt better when he was learning something.
Eventually, a faint melody stirred him from his thoughts. He'd ended up in a far corner of the camp, away from the bustle of busy resistance members and traders. Here, it seemed, he was alone save for the source of the sound, a gentle melodic humming. To his surprise, that source was none other than Anemone, the leader of the camp. She was seated on a crate near a dilapidated wall, a distant look in her eyes as she hummed to herself.
9S listened for a while before starting to feel uncomfortably voyeuristic. He stepped closer and cleared his throat. "Hey, Anemone."
Her song stopped as she blinked her eyes once before settling them on him. "Oh. Hello, 9S. I… didn't think anyone would be nearby."
9S shuffled awkwardly, kicking at a small pile of dirt with his boot. "I didn't mean to interrupt you. I just didn't want to feel like I was spying on you." He gave her a smile. "That was a very pretty song."
She returned his smile, looking slightly abashed. "Yes, well, it helps to relax me when my thoughts turn gloomy," she explained, giving him a tiny shrug of her shoulders. "...Did you want me to keep going?" she asked a moment later, her smile fading.
"If it's not too much trouble," he said. "I was quite enjoying it."
Anemone nodded, patting a spot on the crate next to her. 9S hesitated for only a moment before closing the distance to her and sitting next to her. Anemone took a deep breath before closing her eyes and starting to hum her gentle melody again.
He took it in in silence, not wanting to interrupt her. It was a melancholy sort of tune, lilting subtly between sweeter high notes and more somber low notes. It calmed some of the chaos in his head as it wrapped around him like an invisible blanket of sound. He could see why Anemone liked it.
Eventually, the song ended, and Anemone's humming faded to silence. That silence lingered for a while as both of them said nothing. In time, however, Anemone opened her eyes and glanced in his direction. "Did you like it?"
9S flinched at the sound of her voice, almost not having expected it. He hadn't quite realized the effect the song had had on him. "Oh, very much! I, uh, haven't heard a lot of music before."
Anemone smiled sadly at him. "Not many have. It's a rare luxury, you know?"
"Yeah…" 9S murmured, some of the sweetness that the song had left in him souring. He shook it off as he turned his attention fully to her. "Where did you hear this one? Or, did you write it yourself?"
"Actually," she said, "Pascal taught it to me."
9S felt himself twitch at that name. "The machine?"
"That's right," Anemone said. In contrast to his reaction, she seemed to smile at the thought of Pascal. "I heard him singing it one day, and asked if he could teach it to me. It was a bit like how you overheard me just now, really."
"I… see," he said, feeling very conflicted now about the song that had stirred such enthusiasm in him just a moment ago. He slowly rose to his feet as he found himself mulling over what to do once again.
"Heading out?" she asked him.
He nodded without looking at her. "I should check in on 2B. She'll probably want to get back to the mission soon."
Anemone nodded back at him. "Don't forget to take care of yourself, 9S. And take care of her, too. It's easy to forget about yourself out there."
9S blinked once behind his blindfold, turning his head to look at her. Her words had sparked something in his head, an idea that was only just beginning to form. "Don't worry. We'll take care of ourselves," he said, giving her one last smile before departing in the direction of the little room where he'd left 2B.
He found 2B waiting just outside the door when he returned, an expectant look on her face. "Where were you?" she asked.
"Just grabbing a few supplies," he lied. "How was your rest?"
She heaved a sigh. "Not as nice as I'd have liked, but I'll function just fine." her normally stoic expression cracked for just a moment, replaced by one of frail exhaustion. It faded almost as quickly as it had appeared. "Which task should we tackle next?" she asked, her tone as matter-of-fact as ever.
It took 9S a moment to process her question, so lost in her expression had he been. Anemone's advice felt more relevant than ever, though he couldn't exactly tell 2B of his intentions. "Why don't we help collect some spare parts for the camp? I've heard a lot of people complaining that there aren't enough to go around for regular maintenance."
2B looked faintly like she wanted to object, to tell him they should be focusing on more important objectives. But she didn't. "Okay. Why don't you lead the way, this time?"
He grinned at her as he headed for the exit to the camp. "Right. Don't worry; it'll be done before you know it, and the whole camp will benefit!"
2B followed him reluctantly. "If you say so."
Over the next few days, 9S began quietly collecting scrap and machine parts to use in his project. Broken keys, metal teeth, cylinders, plates, anything he thought he could direct towards his ends. Of course, most of it still went to 2B; he couldn't afford to have her find out about his plan. In truth, he wasn't even sure he had a plan. He knew what he wanted to do with the parts, but once his project was complete, he didn't think he'd ever be able to give it to her. She hated gifts, and he didn't want to invoke her ire in his pursuit of greater understanding.
The next step was to understand just what he was building. He knew a fair bit about mechanical engineering, but he'd need more than that. He paid several visits to the foreman that presided over the storage area in the back of the camp, asking to see her music box and even helping to tune it up. Within those few days, he built up enough understanding of the device's workings that he was confident he could reproduce them.
Now, the only issue was whether he could make one that could accurately produce the song that had been drifting through his head for the past few days. It still bothered him that the song was originally written by a machine; but it wasn't bother enough to water down his determination. He was confident he could recite the melody by heart; translating it into the delicate motions of machinery was something else entirely, however.
He got help, here and there, from the owners of the maintenance and supply shops, though he always kept them in the dark about what he was planning to do. He only worked on the little music box in the apartment, and only when 2B was either resting or out on business, hiding the in-progress device in a dark corner whenever she was around.
Within a week, he'd managed to construct the casing and most of the inner workings. Near as he could tell, the thing was nearly complete, but he just couldn't make it play. When he'd turn the small key on the box's side, he could hear the cogs and cylinders whir, but something, somewhere was not quite working right. He sighed as he loomed over his would-be gift, his chin in his palms as he braced himself on a box.
He was about to start tinkering with it some more when the door to the room opened, admitting bright daylight. 2B's shadow, the only thing obstructing it, quickly fell over him and the music box, and he hastily scooped it up and hid it behind his back. "Oh! 2B. I thought you'd be longer!"
"It was just a short walk," she said, bemused. She leaned to one side, trying to peer around him to the object he held behind him. "What was that you were working on?"
"Huh? It's nothing." 9S fidgeted in his seat, trying to back away towards a shelf where he could hopefully hide the music box without her seeing.
2B smirked at him as she stepped past him with long strides, setting her hand over the device. "If it were nothing, you wouldn't be acting so skittish about it."
Damn it all, 9S thought. So much for hiding it. At least she didn't yet know it was meant to be a gift; and besides, it didn't seem like it was going anywhere, malfunctioning as it was. He shifted a step forward, breaking away from 2B's hand before placing the music box on the table. "Fine, fine. Here it is."
"One affirmation will suffice," she said with the familiarity of ritual before moving to stand beside him, peering down at the little machine for a moment before her brow furrowed in confusion. "What is it? It's a bit small for a weapon."
"It's…" 9S tried to think of an excuse or a suitable lie, but couldn't. "It's a music box," he finally explained.
2B glanced up at him, surprise evident on her face. Just as quickly, she turned her attention back to the music box, leaning closer to peer at it. "Why were you working on it in secret?"
"No reason," he said, denying his intentions before 2B could even begin to accuse him. "It doesn't matter, anyways; I can't get the damn thing to work…"
"How do you open it?" she asked, evidently not perturbed by his cagey demeanor.
"Here," he said, leaning over her shoulder and opening a tiny latch on the side of the box. The top flipped open to reveal a complex bundle of cylinders, pins, and screws.
He felt something between pride and shame as she looked over it all with a slightly overawed expression on her face. "Wow. You were really serious about this." She leaned closer still to it, peering intently into a corner of the box. "What's this, though?"
9S leaned closer too, trying to catch a glimpse of what she was pointing out. It looked like something was resting against the key, potentially jamming it. It glittered in the low light of the domicile. "That's… not supposed to be there," he said, reaching in with delicate fingers to carefully pluck it out. It looked like a small stone. How it had fallen into the music box, he really had no clue. Maybe it had chipped off from the ceiling at some point when it had been hidden away?
"Perhaps it will work now?" 2B suggested helpfully.
9S frowned at her, but nodded his assent to her suggestion as he carefully shut the music box before winding up the key. He twisted it clockwise five times before letting it go.
As the key began to wind back in the other direction, a faint metallic whirring issued from the box, and, a moment later, gentle notes began to echo through the room, gradually forming a simplified version of a familiar melody. The scanner felt a rush of joy as it drifted to his ears, crystallizing his success.
"Huh…" 2B said quietly, nodding her head slowly back and forth to the melody. "This is… nice."
9S stared at her. She seemed utterly entranced by the song issuing forth from the little music box. A small smile had spread over her lips, perhaps without her even realizing it. He felt a fluttering in his chest. "I'm glad you like it."
"I do…" she confirmed, simply soaking in each note in a contented silence after that.
They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the fruits of 9S's work.
9S sat on the edge of his bed again, once again watching 2B from across the room. She was resting once again, though now she had the music box cradled in one arm as its quiet melody continued to echo through the room. He felt a twinge of irony at that; he'd never intended to give it to her, and yet it had found its way to her anyways. He was happy that it seemed to make her happy, though.
The look of relaxed contentment on her face contrasted her usual stiff neutrality. It looked much more natural on her. Maybe he really had been able to help. As the song continued, however, his thoughts drifted elsewhere. The twinge he'd felt in his chest; the act of giving a gift to 2B really had made him feel something. He wasn't sure what, though.
He did know who might have the answer, however. He didn't want to go to them; but perhaps he could set aside his discomfort to satisfy his curiosity. And, if they'd written this song, maybe they weren't quite as bad as he'd thought.
"Pod," 9S said, his voice hushed, "can you call Pascal for me?"
"Yes," pod 153 replied. "Opening connection with designation: Pascal."
The pod projected a black screen into the air in front of him. Three white dots flashed, one after the other in sequence as a faint ringing noise sounded once, then twice. Before it could sound a third time, the blackness parted to reveal the head and shoulders of a medium-sized humanoid machine. "Oh! 9S," a decidedly feminine voice, but distinctly mechanical, greeted him. "It's good to see you well."
"Hello, Pascal," 9S said, trying not to let his wariness slip into his voice.
"Hello!" Pascal said. "Did you need anything? How are you and 2B?"
9S glanced in the direction of the girl on the other bed, still sleeping soundly. "We're fine. I had a question for you."
"Go ahead," Pascal said, as enthusiastic as he ever was.
The scanner considered his options for a moment before standing up from the bedside and walking across the room. Pod 153 followed him, keeping the projection in front of his face as he approached the bed where 2B slept.
The music box's melody grew more distinct as he got closer, and Pascal's eyes flashed in recognition. "Oh! That song…"
9S only felt more awkward as the machine's reaction helped to confirm Anemone's testimony. "...Yeah. Did you write it?"
"Yes, I did!" The machine seemed even happier than usual. "I wrote it a long time ago to help calm down the children of the village. It really seems to get through to them, even when they're having a bad day."
There it was, then. A machine had written this beautiful melody. This song that had soothed Anemone, himself, and even 2B, had been composed by a soulless automaton.
Soulless… Even Pascal had admitted that he didn't have a soul. So how did he manage to write something like this?
"9S? Are you okay?" Pascal's voice was tinged with worry.
He looked up at the projection, at Pascal's expressionless face, and he knew what he wanted to ask. "Pascal, do you… love the people of your village?"
Pascal seemed to calm down a bit as 9S spoke again. "I do, very much. That's what drove me to create the village in the first place. I want to protect them and keep them close to me, always."
9S gawked at Pascal for a moment as he reiterated the scanner's own, simple definition of love back to him. Did he really understand these feelings no better than a machine?
The machine seemed to catch on to 9S's distraction, because he spoke once again to fill the silence. "Do you love anyone, 9S?"
Almost immediately, he felt his gaze flicker to where 2B rested. He was grateful that Pascal wasn't able to see his eyes. "I don't know," he said. "That's what I've been trying to figure out."
"Hmm…" Pascal said, sounding genuinely contemplative. "I wish I could do something to help you with that."
"It's… fine, Pascal. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually."
"I know you're capable of it, 9S."
9S felt a shiver run down his spine. "Thanks," he said quickly before cutting off the connection. The projection disappeared, and he stumbled back a step to sit down in a chair in the corner of the room.
Where did Pascal get off, talking to him about matters of love? He was just a machine.
And yet… he seemed to understand it at least as well as 9S did. His gaze drifted back up to where 2B slept as the music box's melody wound to a close.
His thoughts drifted back to the book he'd read earlier. Half the story had focused on the heroine trying to come to terms with her feelings. She'd only truly began to understand them when she'd given voice to them.
Again, his lips moved without thought. "I love you, 2B." The words were very quiet, as if he were speaking to himself more than anything else. Immediately, his hand went to his mouth as he tried to silence any further admissions.
2B didn't stir. He breathed a small sigh of relief, but as he continued to watch her, he felt that fluttering in his chest again, stronger this time. This feeling was…
He smiled to himself behind his hand. Maybe he did understand it, after all.
He wasn't supposed to say things like that.
She should have gotten up and slapped some sense into him. At least that way, there was a chance he could avoid getting himself killed or his memory wiped.
But she couldn't make herself do it.
9S had thought she was powered down, or asleep, but in truth, she'd stayed awake to listen to the music box's melody one more time. She'd listened as 9S relayed his worries and his doubts to Pascal. It was so strange to see 9S confiding in a machine. Maybe he really was changing. This was the longest that the two of them had been together since they were first deployed - not that he knew that.
And, of course, she'd heard his little admission.
She should have told him off.
But despite herself, it had made her happy instead. She knew it was irrational. She knew it could only lead to trouble down the line, but it didn't change the way it made her feel.
She existed to keep him in check. She'd hurt him more times than she could count, and she'd probably continue to do so for a long, long time. She didn't want to, but she didn't have a choice.
So, she was grateful that he could still feel that way about her. She wasn't sure she deserved it, but she still felt it. She'd never tell him that she'd overheard him, but she would keep the memory close to her heart.
She could indulge the alternatives in her dreams.