Title: Good Enough
Author: adrianalazarey
Character: Rachel Berry
Rating: G
Word Count: 1282
Spoilers: Set during 1.16, "Home"
Disclaimer: I don't have or claim any ownership of Glee.
Authors Note: So, watching the Mercedes scene in "Home", I noticed that Rachel didn't raise her hand. And it seemed like such a weird thing for Rachel to do; she might be confident, but that doesn't mean she's not at all self-aware, and she's certainly shown self-doubt before. I got to thinking as to why she didn't put up her hand, especially when Jesse did, and here's what I came up with. I can't say that I'm entirely happy with Rachel's voice, but I think it still works; con. crit would be appreciated!
Summary: Rachel character piece. It wasn't that she didn't understand what Mercedes was saying. It was that she understood it all too well. Even better, she would wager, than Mercedes did.
Everyone had their hands up at Mercedes' speech during the pep rally. Everyone sometimes felt like they were outsiders, like they weren't good enough. Even Jesse behind her had put up his hand at one point, though Rachel couldn't quite figure out which part he saw himself in.
Rachel didn't raise her hand at Mercedes' speech. She sat there, looking around, watching as everyone else did it. Quinn had been one of the first to raise her hand, saying that she felt fat. On an intellectual level this made perfect sense to Rachel; she was pregnant, and it was common knowledge that pregnant women often felt like the weight they were gaining because of the baby was fat, and therefore made them unattractive.
On an emotional level it just cut Rachel further, forcing her to sit up straight instead of leaning against Jesse has she had been a moment ago.
Why was it so easy for Quinn to go to Mercedes aid when she was feeling troubled, yet insist on continuing to hate Rachel? Why was it that everyone could come together to rally behind each other, but Rachel, as always, was left as an outcast?
Perhaps it was a self-determined outcasting this time, since she had been the one to choose not to raise her hand in support of Mercedes. But she simply couldn't bring herself to raise her hand and show everyone at this school how she truly felt. She didn't have it in herself. Not when so much of her survival here so far had depended on being strong and pretending that nothing mattered to her.
Rachel had felt every one of the things Mercedes has mentioned before (the one exception being having too many pimples, because with two gay fathers, a skin regimen was determined at an early age and blemishes were few and far between). But the others, they all shook her to her core.
Rachel was constantly worried about being fat, not being physically perfect. She kept up thirty minutes on her elliptical every morning, no matter what was going on. Smoothies and diets were a constant in her life, and Rachel was always one to eat right. Dance classes once a week to keep her limber and flexible, a weigh in every three days to make sure she was on track. There were many things that Rachel couldn't control in her life, but her body was something she had complete control over, and she exercised that control regularly. Maybe, just maybe, if she did enough work in this regard, everything else would fall into place.
But it never ever seemed to, because to other people, Rachel was just not worth very much. She was never good enough for them; always too direct, too blunt, too irritating. Always too something, and it hurt. Dear God, did it hurt, to see that no matter what she did, no matter how much she tried to be less annoying, less everything, it didn't make any difference. To everyone at this school she was just Rachel Berry, the girl who deserved the slushies. She was nothing.
It was so stuck in the minds of everyone that they didn't even take a moment to consider the possibility that Jesse might be interested in her for her. Was Rachel really so ugly that it was impossible for someone to have a genuine interest in her? Was she really so ugly, worth so little that Jesse must have ulterior motives, because why else would he be with her? Ignoring the relationship that she and Puck had had, however short (and sometimes the only thing that made her feel better was the memory of Puck calling her a hot Jew, calling them a couple of hot Jews, to remind her that she wasn't ugly). Ignoring Finn, and how he was still interested in her, even if he had been led astray by Santana and Brittany. There must be reasons for them to be interested in her, right (like sex, or the fact that Rachel was always there, no matter what), and therefore there must be some reason for Jesse to be there. Because she was just Rachel, she was nothing.
Which led to the last point, the one that got to her the most. Because maybe, if she had enough friends, Rachel could as easily brush off moments of insecurity as Mercedes did. Because at the end of the day, Kurt and she would talk, they would apologise and make up, and Kurt would assure Mercedes that she was beautiful. That she was worth something, that she was perfect, just the way she was. And Mercedes would believe it, because when your friend said it, when your friend said that you were good enough, you believed that you were.
Or, Rachel imagined that when a friend said you were good enough, you believed it. She had never had a friend to say that she was good enough, because she had never really had a friend. And it hurt so much to see all these people rallying behind Mercedes in a way they had never done, and would never do for her. Because even Mercedes, gleek who was slushied now and again, was worth more than Rachel. Everyone always was.
So Rachel couldn't raise her hand in support of Mercedes. It wasn't because of bitterness, not really; though if she were being honest with herself, Rachel was just a little bit bitter about it all. It wasn't that she didn't understand where Mercedes was coming from. She did understand it; she understood it all too well. Rachel wagered that she understood it even better than Mercedes did. Because Rachel didn't have anyone to tell her that she was good enough. She just had to believe it.
Rachel couldn't put up her hand and say that she realised her faults, because it wouldn't do any good. It wouldn't make them like her more, to know that she was self-aware. She had had that talk with Mr. Schuester about being special, and he was just as annoyed at her now as he ever was. He had seen her, the real her, and it had done nothing. If it meant nothing to him, it would mean less than nothing to her peers.
They would expect her to change, in all likelihood. They would expect her to be better, because she knew she wasn't good enough. Like once she realised she wasn't worthy of their friendship, she should do everything she had to to make herself worthy. They didn't realise how much she had already done. How much of herself was a mask to the world that she put up, to get her through the day. To be able to distance herself somewhat from all the things they said about her, from the slushies and the constant attacks from all sides. Going home and crying about it wasn't an option, so this was the only thing that could be done about it.
So Rachel couldn't bring herself to put up her hand and tell everyone that she knew how annoyed they were by her. That she knew, and what's more, that she cared. Nothing could stop her from getting up with Jesse and singing along, because she meant what she was singing. She meant that Mercedes was singing, and she was glad that Mercedes would be able to move on from that, because no one deserved to feel like nothing. But Rachel steeled herself too, because at the end of the day, this would mean nothing for her. Nothing would change.
At the end of the day, Rachel would still have to convince herself that she was good enough.