It's Not Always Easy
Kasumi was an aspiring idol who entered the master course a year after her best friend Otoya Ittoki who debuted with his group STARISH. She was very proud of him, and she was really happy that he was happy. For as long as she could remember, she had always admired Quartet Night, which was the group assigned to mentor STARISH but when Kasumi met Ai Mikaze in person she was completely smitten. The girl was depressed, Ai and Otoya were the only two people that brought her joy.
…
"Kasumi, why don't you just tell him how you feel. I'm sure there is no harm in telling him." Otoya told his friend.
"What if he doesn't like me?" She wondered out loud.
"Who wouldn't like you? You're amazing Kasumi" Otoya replied truthfully, wrapping his arms around her.
"You know what, yeah. I can tell him. Right?" She said looking at her best friend nervously. He nodded.
"Let me know how it goes" He smiled brightly.
"I will!" She said in shy excitement. She stood up and went on her way to find the boy of her dreams.
"Just… don't forget about me when he tells you he feels the same" Otoya whispered as he watched her run off.
Kasumi wasn't sure where she could find him but she was searching for him none the less. Suddenly she felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Hey, you're Kasumi Haysahi correct?" A girl asked. Kasumi turned around and was now facing one of the idols that debuted, Tomochika Shibuya.
"Oh, hi... Shibuya-Senpai" Kasumi said nervously. "Y…yeah that's me" She smiled politely. Her smiles always had a sad undertone to them, but she was always genuine when she smiled.
"So, I've noticed that you've been following around a certain boy and I think it would be best for you to stop" Tomochika said calmly. Kasumi was confused and then it hit her. Maybe Ai was too nice to tell her to leave him alone so she sent a girl to do it for him. Her fall back plan was to pretend that she wasn't interested in Ai.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I was...umm just looking for my boyfriend" she lied. "who can be my fake boyfriend?" She thought to herself.
"Oh, I didn't know you had a boyfriend. It's just my friend was too embarrassed and shy to tell you to leave her boyfriend alone. She was just nervous that it may break your heart to find out that Ai was taken" Tomochika explained. Kasumi giggled.
"Oh, there's no need to worry. I don't have a crush on Mikaze-Senpai, tell your friend she can rest easy. I'm perfectly ok" Kasumi lied forcing the tears back into her eyes.
"Are you sure?" Tomochika asked.
"Yes! Of course!" Kasumi lied again and eagerly tried to find a way to change the subject. She saw a pin on Tomochika's shirt and pointed at it. "I like that band as well" She mentioned. Tomochika was excited to find someone who shared her interest in an underrated group. They talked for a little bit, Kasumi trying to get her mind off of her shattered heart.
"Hey, you're not so bad, why don't you and your boyfriend join me, Haruka and Ai from now on." Tomochika invited her. "I think you and Haruka will get along, once she opens up" She added. Kasumi's eyes widened.
"Haruka? STARISH's composer?" She asked in shock. Tomochika nodded.
"Here is my phone number, text me" She smiled, hugged Kasumi and ran off. Kasumi was left standing there and the tears began falling.
"How. How can I tell Otoya that the girl of his dreams is dating the boy of mine?" she muttered.
She went back to her room and cried. She couldn't face Otoya, she couldn't face anybody. The girl was devastated not only for herself but for her best friend. There's no way he could have known. Kasumi stayed alone in her room fighting the urge. She looked at her bedside drawer and then completely turned her back to it and shook her head. "For Otoya. Do it for Otoya" She kept repeating to herself. She stayed in there for a few days, missing photoshoots and recording days but the agency was used to it. Otoya tried to call her multiple times. At one point, he even went to her door to knock but she didn't get up. She didn't dare make a sound.
"Kasumi, please. At least tell me you're not…" He said, his voice breaking. She stood up in a hurry and opened the door abruptly, Otoya almost falling on her due to having been leaning on it.
"I told you I wouldn't. I promised. I keep my promises" She hugged him.
"Why wouldn't you answer me?" He asked hugging her back.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Is all she kept repeating.
"For what?" He asked.
"Ai, is dating Haruka" She finally confessed. Otoya tensed for a moment and then relaxed.
"I'm sorry Kasumi" He said. He knew how much she loved the Cyan eyed idol and he knew how much that knowledge might have shattered her heart.
"I couldn't tell you. I couldn't break your heart like mine is" Kasumi cried. Otoya hugged her tighter.
"It's ok. I'm here now" He said. They stayed like that for a while until Kasumi was composed. "So how did you find out?" He asked.
"Haruka's best friend, Tomochika told me that I should stop following a certain boy…I panicked and told her that I had a boyfriend" Kasumi said. "Oh my god, I lied to her and she wasn't to be friends with me. She told me to bring my boyfriend along to hang out with them. I don't have a boyfriend. What am I going to do?" She asked tugging on her hair nervously.
"Kasumi, calm down. You have me. I can be your boyfriend." Otoya said. "But do you think it's actually a good idea to hang out with the boy you like while he's with his girlfriend?" Otoya asked. Kasumi shook her head.
"No, but I promised." She said sadly. He hugged her again.
"I'll be with you every step of the way" He smiled at her, but something about his smile confused her, it wasn't his usual smile, it was sad in a way. She shook off the thought and hugged him.
"Thank you Otoya. Maybe this will help us get closure" She said in a forced cheery voice. "Or heartache" she thought.
"Yeah maybe" He agreed.
…
Kasumi had made plans to hang out with Tomochika, Haruka and Ai. Of course, she was also bringing alone Otoya as her fake boyfriend. She wondered if she would be able to control her emotions around Ai. He had a very keen eye for people acting weird. Kasumi and Otoya made their way to the place where Tomochika told them to meet her.
"Should we hold hands to make it more believable?" He asked nervously. She nodded and gave him her hand to hold. Otoya was quick to interlock their fingers as they walked.
Tomochika caught sight of the two and waved eagerly. The sight of Ai made Kasumi blush a crimson red. Then she saw the way he was sitting. He was sitting on the ground with Haruka in his lap and his arms were wrapped around the pink haired girl's waist. It made her heart drop but Otoya squeezed her hand for support. That little nudge helped her. Tomochika stood up and went to give Kasumi a hug. Otoya let go of her hand and Kasumi hugged the taller girl back softly.
"Come on, we were just about to start eating" She explained taking her spot next to the couple. Kasumi sat down next to Tomochika and Otoya sat down closer to Kasumi.
"H…hello" Kasumi smiled politely.
"Hey Nanami-San" Otoya said nonchalantly.
"Hi Ittoki-Kun" She said with an awkward smile. Haruka took a bite of her grape and leaned against the android behind her. Kasumi made eye contact with Ai and blushed unable to look away, tears began to form in her eyes. She was panicking and losing her cool. Otoya put his arm around her and brought her back to reality, helping her break eye contact with the boy.
"So, what are we having?" Otoya asked excitedly.
"Ai, decided to make something for us today." Tomochika said proudly.
"He's been studying cooking and baking" Haruka added placing a kiss on Ai's cheek, he smiled a bit.
"Staying away from Natsuki, I hope?" Otoya said directing his conversation at Ai who looked confused. Tomochika giggled.
"Yes, we've kept Natsuki far away from Ai while he cooks or bakes." She explained.
"He doesn't understand why but he trusts us" Haruka added looking at him fondly. Kasumi was quiet. She was losing her cool, she was going to breakdown. "This was a bad idea, why didn't anyone stop me. I need to get out of her" she thought to herself as she picked at the grass underneath her. Luckily the only one who noticed was Otoya and he nudged her a bit. "Kasumi likes to bake as well. She particularly skilled at making little animals out of stuff it's pretty great." He explained. Kasumi looked up shocked, why was he telling them this. "Maybe you can learn a trick or two from her Ai-Senpai" Otoya said.
"Possibly" He finally said.
"I…I'll be right back" Kasumi said, standing up abruptly and running off.
"Is she alright?" Ai asked.
"Uh, yeah, she probably forgot to do something" Otoya laughed but he was feeling confused. "I should go check on her" Otoya said standing up.
"Maybe I can help. I still don't fully understand human emotion but I'd like to help in some way" He said standing up. Haruka looked at her boyfriend.
"You're so sweet, and you don't even know it" She smiled.
"Don't forget to bring her back" Tomochika joked making, Haruka giggled.
"I mean, a...as her boyfriend shouldn't I go after her?" Otoya asked.
"Jealous?" Tomochika asked. "Don't be, he doesn't understand the concept of flirting. I had to tell him the Haruka had a crush on him and I coached him on how to be a boyfriend" She said proudly. Otoya frowned, and hoped the girls didn't see it. Meanwhile Ai, ran after Kasumi and finally caught her sitting against the wall of a building, her kneed up against her chest, her sleeves rolled up and her head on her knees. She was crying. The view in front of him was too much for him to handle with his little knowledge on human emotion. He stood there watching her.
"I'm sorry Otoya. I broke my promise" she cried letting her hand fall open revealing a blade and red streaks across her arms. Kasumi didn't dare look up. The longer Ai stood there, the more of the scene he took in that he hadn't seen at first glance. Her arms were bleeding, the blade in her hand was covered in blood. The boy didn't know what to do. What was one supposed to do in this situation? He placed his hand gently on her shoulder and picked up the blade from her hand. He didn't fully understand what was happening or why she was bleeding. The concept was unthinkable to Ai. If he had a heart it would be beating really fast in this moment. "What happened to you?" He found himself asking. Kasumi's heart dropped when she realized it wasn't Otoya standing there. She looked up to see blue eyes staring back at her. There was concern in his eyes. There was concern in the eyes of the android she loved. He looked at her glossy eyes and saw panic? He thought. She stood up abruptly and ran away pulling down her sleeves. She ran directly into her room and texted Tomochika telling her that she felt ill and needed some time to rest and to tell Otoya not to worry and have fun. Of course, it was a lie. She just couldn't handle what had just happened. Ai returned to the group with the blade in his hands, Otoya spotted the blade and immediately stood up grabbing the blade from him.
"Hey Mikaze-Senpai, where's Kasumi?" He asked.
"It looks like she was feeling ill so she went back to her room, she said that you shouldn't worry about it and to have fun" Tomochika showed Otoya the message. He had hidden the blade in his pocket.
"I really should go check on her, you three enjoy your meal" He said, leaving abruptly.
"Aww come on, Ai made these especially for you two" Tomochika called out. Ai watched as Otoya ran off with the blade. He looked down at his hands and he felt the beating in his chest again. Otoya had gone back to Kasumi's room and knocked but she didn't answer. He even had someone open the door but when it was open her phone was lying on her bed but she was nowhere. There was no note, nothing.
"I should have gone after her, instead of Ai, what am I doing?" he said. He fell to his knees and clutched his head. "I was supposed to be her best friend, and now she's run off to who knows where" He cried.
…
A few months passed and Otoya still hadn't heard about Kasumi. Ai asked him occasionally if he had found her yet. It always resulted in him being ignored. Otoya blamed him. He didn't know why, it wasn't necessarily his fault, it was just it was after he went after her that she disappeared. STARISH had a concert coming up and Haruka had promised them a bunch of amazing songs, and Kasumi had promised not to miss a single one of his concerts. Maybe he would find her there, she never broke her promises, except that one time. He shook the thought away. As the concert drew closer and closer he got more and more distracted. The group knew that she was his best friend and they were worried too but they needed to focus. They pulled him aside and talked to him, they weren't mean and they were careful not to say something insensitive. Otoya snapped out of it if only just to practice correctly but at night she was all he thought about. Finally, it was the day of the concert, fans were screaming and cheering. Kasumi had shown up.
"At least, I can keep this promise" She said to herself as she sat down next to some girls with red light sticks. "Otoya-Kun is the best isn't he" She commented to the girls who nodded enthusiastically. To her surprise there was an empty seat next to her that made her feel a bit unsettled. The concert started and the girls next to her began screaming. A little while into the concert, Kasumi felt someone sit next to her. It was Ai. She looked away and tried to hide her face.
"You didn't make this easy you know?" He said.
"Mika-" She started but he shook his head pointing to the girls next to her. She nodded. He got up and offered his hand to her, instinctively she grabbed it. He wrapped his fingers around her delicate hand and pulled her up from her seat, leading her out of the concert. Once outside he let go.
"I did some research. I still don't understand, but according to my research neither do you." He began.
"How did you find me?" She asked him quietly. Her heart was pounding.
"That's not important" He said. "You have people who care about you. Otoya, cares deeply for you. He kind of wishes you would notice, it's not Haruka that he loves." He said.
"Mikaze-Senpai" she whispered.
"It's you. He loves you" He stated, turning around to face her directly. He looked into her sad eyes.
"I love you" she whispered looking down at her feet.
"I know. Even though I don't quite grasp the concept of love quite yet, I know that what I 'feel' for you and what I 'feel' for Haruka is similar." He said, his eyebrows furrowing in frustration. He was trying to understand himself better. Kasumi's breath got caught in her throat when he said that, she was waiting for him to speak again, her heart pounding. "I think your feelings are misdirected" He said, his eyebrows still furrowed.
"No! They're not. Otoya isn't my boyfriend" She said abruptly.
"I know. I knew the moment you two showed up that day you ran away" He explained. "I notice things, like the way you couldn't look away until Otoya distracted you enough to look away. The way you continued to avoid eye contact afterward, the way you ran away when Haruka kissed my cheek" He continued.
"Stop!" She shouted. "You're just proving the opposite of your point. You're proving that my feelings are not misdirected because I've admired Quartet Night for a long time and I was thrilled when you were assigned to STARISH as mentors, because that meant, I would get to see you more often…at first it started as a silly idol crush but as I saw you interact and grow as a person, as I saw you try to understand human emotion, I started falling in love with you. Because, I myself am trying to understand my own feelings and emotions that I don't quite understand. I don't know why I fell in love with someone who fell in love with someone prettier and smarter, and more talented than me. Haruka is lucky to have you. And if you're happy then, I guess I should be happy that you found someone you understand your feelings for." She said. Ai stood there listening to her.
"I don't love her. I've told her this. She understands, and she holds no hard feelings, I know she's sad, I can hear it in the music she wrote for STARISH." He said quietly.
"Did you break up?" Kasumi asked shocked. "Because of me?" She asked, there was slight hope on her eyes.
"You're not wrong, she is beautiful, she is incredibly intelligent, and creative, but I don't understand my emotions quite yet, so I ended my relationship with her, but I explained to her that it wasn't anything she had done, it was more, my fault for not knowing what love was before agreeing to a relationship with her." He said.
"So, you know what love is now?" She asked, her eyes wide with hope. He shook his head.
"I don't. And if it hurts you enough to hurt yourself and hurts Haruka enough to express it through song, then I don't want to know that feeling" He said with a smile. "I care deeply for Haruka, and I care deeply for you, as does Otoya so please don't disappear again." He said finally, placing his hands on her shoulders in comfort. Her eyes were fixed on her shoes. She looked up, tears in her eyes but she was forcing a smile.
"Thank you, Ai." She said. She reached up with her hands to move his hands off of her shoulders. She reached into her pocket and gave him a note. "Don't read it, give it to Otoya will you?" She asked kindly, still smiling through the tears and the pain. He nodded. "I'm going back inside, I promised him I would be at every one of his concerts" She explained before turning to walk back toward the venue. She disappeared from his sight, he knew that he shouldn't had let her go but he felt like he couldn't stop her either. Kasumi did end up staying for the whole concert, crying quietly as she watched him perform with so much energy, like his usual self. "No one would miss me" she thought to herself. Once the concert ended the fans left the venue in a group. Kasumi snuck away through the crowd and disappeared into the night. Ai found Otoya after the concert and handed him the letter.
"She was here." Ai said. "And then I lost her in the crowd" He said apologeticaclly. Otoya took the letter not taking his eyes off of him. He opened it.
Dear Otoya,
I came to your concert like I promised. I'm sorry I disappeared for a little while, I hope I didn't worry you too much. Anyway, if you're reading this it's probably because I'm leaving. Don't be scared because I'm not. Things just didn't work out the way I hoped that they would. I knew I was unwanted from the moment I was born, I was casted away by my parents, but you know that story, thanks for trying to save me. I hope you'll keep me forever in your heart. Please tell Ai not to blame himself. It's nobody's fault. Have a good life and maybe one day we'll see each other again. Also, I'm sorry that I won't be able to make it to any more of your concerts. That's one regret I will have. Goodbye.
With all the love in the world
Kasumi Hayashi
Otoya's eyes were filled with tears. "What did you say to her Ai. She's leaving! What did you say?" Otoya cried. He ran out the door leaving the very confused android standing in place. "KASUMI! KASUMI!" Otoya shouted into the night. He fell to his knees and hugged the letter to his chest. He would never see her again.
End