Let the River Guide You
At first she was falling. An endless fall through an endless time, thousands of empty lives lead and thousands of meaningful deaths endured. Each life ripping her apart, tearing the very core of who she was away, unwinding her very essence into thousands of tiny details to be woven into her new lives. Soon, there would be nothing left.
But then he found her. That glorious mirage when all hope had been fading had materialized into the arms she had fallen into. The same arms had carried her out, turning his back once more on the darkest of his pasts.
And now she was spinning. Spinning out of control. Her fingers still clung to the impossible leaf given to the impossible girl to lead her home. Somehow she knew she was home—she was vaguely aware of the cold metal of the TARDIS floor beneath her. But she was still spinning. She didn't think she'd ever stop.
Every life she had led flashed through her mind. The searing pain of being turned into a Dalek replayed over and over like a broken record, only to skip to the next. Falling. Always falling. The blast of a Cyberman's weapon after it had demanded the Doctor would be deleted. Feeling herself being rewritten as the gas mask grew from her own face. The agony of being consumed by the Vashtra Nerada. Every time she had thwarted the Great Intelligence, giving her own life in the process. Taking every bullet that the Doctor had previously dodged and that the Great Intelligence had somehow rerouted to him.
She knew what the Doctor had meant when he said his life was burning. Her very existence seemed to be part of some great bonfire, with each log representing a life she had led and lost in the name of saving the Doctor.
Her Doctor. She could feel him next to her. When she had died in Victorian London, he had taken her hand in his, holding onto her until her very last breathe. Now, however, he was fluttering about. The sound of the sonic screwdriver constantly buzzing around her head would be the soundtrack of her final death.
"You are not dying, Clara Oswald," he commanded, though she recognized it to be more of a plea.
She managed to crack her eyes open. She wanted to tell him he was wrong and to run, to remember her. Just as she always did. But the words caught in her throat as she caught sight of movement just beyond him. A shadow. A ghost now haunting them both.
"Hush now," a female voice whispered from the other side of her. "You can't worry about that now."
Clara turned her head to find a familiar woman with her space hair and strange name kneeling beside her. She frowned, realizing this woman, too, was a ghost. "How are you here?"
A wide and knowing smile crossed River's lips. "We're mentally linked, remember?"
Her eyes widened in horror. What had she done to poor River, the ghost of the Doctor's wife? Had she truly dragged her through the Doctor's timestream as well? "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to see."
"Who is she talking to?" Madame Vastra asked from across the room.
"No one," the Doctor answered, his tone laced with concern. "Anyone. Everyone. She's reliving the lives of the echoes, sorting through their memories. She's been doing it since I pulled her out."
River glanced up at the Doctor with adoration. "He doesn't see me now. We've said our goodbyes." She turned back to Clara, stroking her cheek in a motherly fashion. "It's up to you now, Clara. He needs you."
She tried to argue, but a spasm of pain shot through her head and she cried out, curling into herself. "I can't! It's too much! Please! Make it stop…"
"Shhh…" River wrapped her arms around the young girl, rubbing a comforting hand up and down her back. "It will stop, I promise. I'm here to help, Clara. You have to trust me."
She lifted her head slightly, her tear-stained eyes seeing no one else but River. "What are you going to do?"
River stood up and lifted a shoulder as to say the task at hand was nothing. "I'm going to guide you back, of course."
"To what?"
"To who you are." She held her hand out. "Come with me."
"But…but you don't know me…" Though she argued, she took the woman's hand and let her pull her to her feet. She expected to hear the Doctor protest, but when she turned back she found he was still leaning over her body, pressing her hand to his lips with worry.
"You lost consciousness with the last scream," River explained.
Surprisingly enough, Clara felt more coherent than she had in what felt like years to her, though it could have only been an hour at most. "Am I having an out of body experience?"
"If you like," River gave as reply as she led her away. "Now, Clara. Tell me. What do you remember of your life?"
The answer was simple. "The Doctor."
The woman eyed her speculatively, ideas darting around behind her age-lined eyes before giving her a nod. "Very well. Let's go see him, then."
"But he was right there," Clara protested as she followed River into the corridor.
Suddenly, they were back in the console room. Only it was much darker now. The Doctor was sitting in a chair with very little light, reading a book. He was dressed in Victorian garb, just as he had been when she had met him in London 1892.
"This is before he met you," River explained as she encircled the Doctor. She rested her hands on his shoulders affectionately. "I don't think you saved him just from the Great Intelligence this time. I think you saved him from himself. From the pain of loss and what that can do to a man like him."
"Amy and Rory," Clara finished for her. Her gaze shifted from the Doctor to his wife. "Your parents. I'm so sorry."
She nodded with a sigh. "Yes, my parents. His best friends. He might not have ever come down from his cloud, if not for you. He had lost too much. Rose. Sarah Jane. Martha. Donna."
"You," Clara added.
She bowed her head in consensus. "Yes, I think he knew my time was coming. The library was just around the corner." River looked up at her and beamed. "And then you blew into his life."
"An echo," she reminded her.
River shook her head emphatically and came around to face her, grabbing her hands with urgency. "So much more than that, Clara. Don't you see? Yes, the Doctor first met you face to face as an echo. But even an echo of your true self was enough to mend his broken hearts."
"But then I died." Her voice cracked when she said the words, her own heart picking up its pace as she remembered what it was like to be dragged away from the Doctor and to fall to her death, all the while staring up at his horrified face as the distance between them grew.
River patted her cheek softly. "Yes. But it was enough. Your echo found a place in his hearts. Imagine what the real you has done."
"I'm the impossible girl." The words were like a recital at this point. It was all she knew of herself.
"You're so much more than that." River gestured with her head for Clara to look behind her.
When Clara turned around, she saw the two children she was governess to running around outside. They both squealed with delight when they saw her in governess form, standing just a ways away. "I remember this. Is this who I really am? The governess?"
"Look at the children again." River linked her arm through Clara's, leading her closer. "Who do they remind you of?"
Clara blinked in confusion. "I don't know. There've been so many. So many children, and I've been responsible for them all." She frowned. "I let them down every time. I left them. I died. Just like their mum."
"Like whose mum?" River pressed.
"Angie and Artie," Clara answered automatically, her voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes widened as they snapped up to River's. "Artie and Angie! I left them!"
"Do you remember where they are?"
She squinted her eyes in concentration, her hands clinging to the side of her head with the effort it was taking. "I was baking. And…and I got a letter. The conference call." She looked to River for confirmation and cracked a smile as the bushy-haired woman nodded her head with a grin. "The Doctor was watching over them, but they tricked him and went to the cinema."
"They're still there," River told her as Clara's last memories on Earth came to life around them. "They still need looking after, Clara."
Clara turned around to find herself back in the Maitland's kitchen. The mess of her soufflé experiment was still strewn across the counters. And the Doctor was standing, frozen in time, with the blindfold the children had tricked him into wearing still wrapped around his head. Her excitement at her breakthrough dwindled as she went to stand before him.
"Who will look after him?" she asked sadly as she looked up at the Doctor.
"You will," River answered. "No one knows him like you do. Not anymore. Not after this. He needs you, too. But you can't live for him, Clara. That's how your worlds, your lives, are getting mixed up. You created your echoes when you stepped into his time stream, made them specifically for the purpose of saving him. But you, the real you, was born with endless possibility. You had a whole life before he swept you off your feet and into the stars. There's more to you than saving the Doctor. You have to remember that."
"In a way, he's all I've ever known." Clara responded wistfully. "How can I just forget all of that?"
River took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm not sure you ever could. He will probably try to make you forget everything—including him—if you don't wake up soon. But I'm not sure it would work on you. Your lives are too intertwined."
"Then what do I do?"
"Run, clever girl. And remember," River answered with a cheeky grin. "Remember the girl who refused to jump straight into the TARDIS and fly off into the skies with him. Remember the girl who had impossible hopes and dreams. Remember 101 places to see. The first boy you kissed. Remember your mother's promise."
I will always find you.
The words echoed through Clara's mind, jarring her. She could smell her mother's perfume, feel the way her wisps of hair would tickle her forehead when she would hold her. And most of all, she remembered the hole her mother's death had left in her heart. She remembered the pain. And she cried.
River wrapped her arms around the impossible girl as she did the most impossible thing of all. She remembered herself.
"You're on your way, Clara," River assured her. "You have to get back to him now before he does something he'll regret in order to save you."
"Aren't you coming?" She asked her with uncertainty.
River shook her head sadly. "No, my dear. My time is done. Let this be my final gift to him, and my way of thanking you."
"For what?"
She leaned forward and whispered in her ear. "The library."
The memory trickled down to Clara, almost as if recalling something she had seen on television. The Great Intelligence had tried to taint that victory as well. Before River had a chance to save the Doctor, she had found herself with two shadows. It was only a matter of moments before the Vashta Nerada would consume her. But Clara, as a new addition to their crew, had bravely stepped forward into the new shadow, taking it onto herself so that River could be spared.
"I saved you," Clara recalled slowly, her eyes closed as she let the memory play out behind her lids. "So you could die for him, too. And so he could save you."
When she opened her eyes again, she was back on the floor of the TARDIS. The Doctor and Vastra were arguing over something.
"Think, Doctor! Would she want this for herself?" Vastra demanded.
"She's dying! What am I supposed to do?" He shook his head, shaking off any doubt he had toward his plan. "It's the only way," he said as he closed his eyes and reached for her face.
Clara scooted back so as to be out of his reach completely, propping herself on her elbows as she eyes his hands warily. "And just what are you planning on doing with those two fingers and my head?"
The Doctor's eyes popped open, his pointer fingers still outstretched to meet her temples. "Clara! You're awake!" He immediately pulled out the sonic screwdriver and began scanning her head, then motioning for Strax to do the same with his instruments.
Clara pulled herself into full sitting position and swatted them both off. "Stop pointing your gadgets at me! I'm fine."
The Doctor stared at his screwdriver results as if he couldn't quite believe them. "You are. You're fine. You're fine!" he repeated with glee before wrapping her into a hug.
"But how?" Vastra asked as she came forward. "Just moments ago you were fading fast. We were certain we were going to lose you again. For good this time."
Clara glanced around to the many sets of eyes staring at her with expectation. "Right…you want me to explain…Well, you see…erm…"
"Ah, that's easy," Jenny piped up, crossing her arms over her chest as she grinned down at Clara. "She's the impossible girl."
Clara's face broke out into a grin that melted into a full laugh. The Doctor, giddy with relief, laughed with her as well, wrapping her in another hug and planting a kiss on the top of her head.
"And so much more," he murmured into her hair.