Denial
"You could've joined any club in the campus and you join the Bellas," Kimmy Jin says in that stoic way of hers. Kimmy Jin's voice would surprise Beca on a normal day but today is anything but normal.
"Shut up, Kimmy Jin."
"After the Activities Fair, you said it's pathetic. What changed your mind?"
"It's not like you care," Beca says again.
She pulls out her laptop and starts a new mix.
She uses Titanium as the base track.
It's been a weird day.
.
Anger
"What the fuck are nodes?" Beca asks under her breath as she opens her laptop to Google everything Chloe just dropped on them.
She doesn't understand it.
Nodes could happen to a lot of people.
Why the fuck did it happen to their second lead? Who will balance the heck out of Aubrey? Who will take Chloe's place in all the parts of their performances that only she can fill?
Beca likes to think it's all about the rest of the season.
"Ugh!" she groans in frustration as Wikipedia and WebMD keep telling her that having surgery will permanently damage someone's voice.
"The redhead has vocal nodules?"
"Shut up, Kimmy Jin!"
"That sucks," Kimmy Jin says silently as she puts on her headphones and continues with her bonsai. "I liked her."
"Fuck!" Beca mutters in sheer frustration again, slamming the laptop shut. She closes her eyes and tries to hold it in.
She ignores the tears that fall shortly after.
.
Bargaining
It's getting out of hand, she knows.
That's why she lets Jesse in.
Jesse is safer.
Jesse is safer because he doesn't set her skin on fire when they touch. He is safer because he doesn't make Beca's heart jump out of its place when she sees him. He's safer because he likes him but he's not gonna break her heart when it comes down to it.
Jesse is safer.
He is safer because he is not Chloe.
And maybe, if she falls in love with Jesse, Chloe will be old news.
Maybe, if she fools herself enough, it'll all be okay.
.
Depression
"Beca, it's getting a little melodramatic," Kimmy Jin tells her when she keeps watching and crying at The Breakfast Club.
"Shut up," she spits for the nth time but her roommate just won't shut up about it.
"It's the redhead again, isn't it?"
Beca doesn't respond this time.
She turns up the volume and just cries when she hears the soundtrack. She cries not because the film is sad.
Beca cries because for some reason, the song reminds her of Chloe's reaction when she snapped at her. She didn't mean for it to happen. But Beca is frustrated.
She kept trying to hold it in.
She kept trying not to fall harder for Chloe.
But she's miserably failed in all her attempts.
She starts a mix.
She calls it 'Red'.
.
Acceptance
"Aubrey, would you pick a song for us, please?" she asks Aubrey.
"Bruno Mars, Just The Way You Are," Aubrey responds with a deep breath and a nod.
"Okay," she says, faking a smile. The world is conspiring with her. Maybe, this is her opportunity to finally get it together.
Even with shaky knees, she turns to Chloe, "Chloe, are you okay to take the lead?"
"Yeah," the redhead nods with a smile.
Beca's heart is beating wildly against her chest. She knew it was never easy.
Falling this hard for someone is never easy.
Chloe starts the song, staring off into space, concentrating on singing the song the proper way. Her voice is flawless and there's nothing Beca wouldn't do just to hear that voice singing that song to her. It's one of Chloe's best traits but it's her ability to capture and hold someone's attention is by far the thing that Beca couldn't get over with.
Beca thinks it's her eyes or her hair—a weird, stunning contrast of blue and red. But mostly, Beca knows it's her smile. Beca is downright cold on the inside but she remembers how that very same smile warmed her up on the day of the Activities Fair.
It's the first sight of the sun she's had in a while and she's forever thankful for that.
Beca knows falling this hard for someone is never easy. Accepting the truth that they will never love you back is even harder.
She might have imagined it but thinking she saw Chloe glance at her when she sang "she's so beautiful, and I'd tell her everyday" made Beca feel a lot of things. She's not one for feelings but Chloe Beale has been the exception to her rules.
It did weird things to Beca's system, messed her up entirely—pretty much the same way Chloe has messed her up since the Activities Fair.
It's the moment she finally decides to accept the truth.
She's in love with Chloe.
She's fallen in love with her since the very first day.
It's love.
And Beca thinks it's unfair.
So, she joins in with the song that reminds her how love doesn't happen to everyone; the very same song she had been listening to for the past few days.
I was thinking 'bout her, thinkin' 'bout me…
She flinches slightly at this. How subtle of her, she thinks. But she couldn't care any less.
Falling in love is quite a twisted thing—it's weird how it's sweet and painful at the same time.
They finish the song and it's a marvellous feeling to be in this place with these girls. They changed her life, mostly for the better. They taught her how to care, how to love—and they taught her how to fight for that love.
But it's Chloe who taught her how to accept something you cannot stop; it's Chloe who taught her how let her guard down.
She gives Chloe the Red mix that night.
It's acceptance of both defeat and hope.
Maybe, Chloe feels the same; maybe she doesn't.
But she wakes up to Chloe's text asking her if they can grab coffee before all their classes start.
It's scary but Beca runs to the shower to get ready.
Love is an act of falling anyway.