young & beautiful (lana del rey); harvey/donna; pg-13; 1,157 words;

0, prologue

will you still love me when i got nothing but my aching soul?

Three minutes, that's all it takes; one hundred eighty seconds, and they tick away so much more slowly than she can remember. She can't tell if time stops or just slows down, but she's pretty sure that she can hear her watch in the silence of the room. She isn't even sure that she's breathing anymore. Maybe this isn't even real. Maybe she's just dreaming.

And so what? What if she is pregnant? Would it be the worst thing? A miniature being that is a perfect mixture of her and Harvey, the good and the bad balancing one another out. Would it be so bad to have a little girl with red hair and a grin like Harvey's, a baby who is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen?

If the pregnancy test does reflect positive it would mean a whole world of milestones as her and Harvey guide a little person through the world before they release him or her into it. They would be parents. They would have more responsibilities than just ones to themselves. Sure, there would be a lot of nights where their life feels like hell because it wouldn't stop screaming but it would ultimately be a great reward.

They could have a little girl who liked ballet and the theater and the Broadway productions, but she's kidding herself if she thinks their child won't play baseball. Harvey would take her to the batting cages and show her how to perfectly swing a bat, and he would spend Saturdays in the park teaching her how to throw the ball so hard that it would hurt someone's hand to catch it through the glove. Harvey would be the dad that he had growing up and she would be the mom that she had because thank god they are a reflection of their parents, thank god for that because if Harvey is anything like Gordon then their child will be damn lucky and she will be so fucking proud.

And the first time their child laughs it will immediately become Harvey's favorite song, which no one would ever know except for her, and it will be something she never gets tired of hearing. The sound will be something that she longs to hear, much like when she hears Harvey's and no matter if they have a son or daughter the laughter will be identical. For moments she will have to listen just to distinguish whether it is Harvey's or their child's.

There will be many milestones, some which they could prepare for but many that they couldn't no matter how hard they tried. Like her first steps. They would both be excited and they couldn't wait but the reality is that one (or both) of them would probably miss it. She'd probably be advanced and she'd take her first steps much sooner than either expect. She'd make little mistakes that neither of them could get mad about and Harvey would surprise her in the way that he's taken by their daughter. He would leave work early or he'd stay up late just to watch the perfect little mixture of them; he would look at their daughter in a way that she's never seen him look at anyone before.

Their daughter would bring out a lightness in him, in them, that would give them the desire to take vacations or go to Disney World or something spectacularly outside of the realm of things they've done or ever thought of doing before. She'd cry if their daughter's first words aren't "momma" but she's already becoming resigned to the fact that they will probably be "dadda" because their daughter will be a daddy's girl and she will have him wrapped around her finger. The tears that fall will be salty as she is enamored with the way that he chokes back a sob, always maintaining his composure because despite his distrust for women, one (two) have turned his life upside down.

Harvey will be like the father that he'd had and he will aspire to be everything that Gordon Specter was, silently trusting her to be everything that his mother wasn't. And she will be everything that his mother wasn't because she will be like her mom; well, hopefully not just like her mom because her mother drives her crazy and is overwhelming and the only thing she could do to get some breathing room is to move away from Cortland but the point is that she will not be anything like Harvey's mom. She will never say this because these are the things that give him room to pause and make him fret, but they are just as they have always been - better with the unsaid than with that which has been put in the air between them.

Their daughter will be a lawyer or a doctor or an actress or a ballerina, it doesn't matter because Donna knows that she can do whatever she wants and she will be phenomenal at all. Donna knows that Harvey will be overprotective and unfamiliar with the role but he will find his way just as she will find her own. She knows that it isn't just about Harvey, that it's about her too. She knows that everything will work itself out and if they have a son then it will be just as well.

No, their daughter or son will change everything about them. Even though they are comfortable in their new life together, they are still growing accustomed to each other, they are probably not ready for this - they could be. Maybe they could be. They could be happy and they could make it work.

She releases a breath in an attempt to steady her nerves. In just a few moments she will know whether they are going to have a child or not and she's already come to the conclusion that having a baby wouldn't be so bad. All it would take is telling Harvey and he wouldn't leave her now, would he? After all of the time and work they've put into their relationship, he wouldn't just give up because Harvey Reginald Specter doesn't quit.

She steadies herself, her fingertips stilling against the bathroom counter so she can check her watch. She's seconds away from discovering what her future entails and she fears that the engagement ring on her finger won't be enough for them to figure this out. But she knows Harvey and she knows that he won't walk away, not from his child. He might walk away from her - she wasn't prepared for this. If she is pregnant, what if he leaves her? What if the baby that she didn't know she wanted until this moment is enough to make her be alone?

She pretends that her eyes don't fill with tears of sadness for the loss of something she'd never had when she looks at the test: not pregnant.