Relapse
By: RavenHeart101
Summary: "I think you all deserve to know why my brother tried to kill himself…."
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warnings: Trigger warning. Intense trigger warning. If you have problems with discussion of depression, suicide, or anxiety do NOT read on.
A: N – A little something that's coming from my "The Break Up" induced trauma. And angst filled life.
"I think you all deserve to know why my brother tried to kill himself." The choir room was completely silent, so silent, in fact, that a person ten miles away could have heard a piece of hair drop. There was a tenseness to the area, a deep and abiding sadness too. Will Schuester glanced around at his students, his stomach a hollow pit. Emma Pillsbury made a noise from the back of her throat before falling into the open seat beside her fiancé. Even Sue Sylvester was silent and respectful of the obviously exhausted man standing in front of the piano.
"My parents won't make sure you know. They would rather keep this whole thing a secret, actually." Cooper let out a small cynical and fake laugh from where he was straddling a piano bench in the front of the room. He ran a shaking hand through his hair, choosing to look down at his shoes instead of at the familiar faces of Blaine's friends.
He heaved a deep breath and glanced up again, taking in the faces of the adults first. Will Schuester who looked sick to his stomach; Emma Pillsbury whose eyes were wide enough to take up her face; Sue Sylvester who looked sympathetic; Burt and Carole Hummel that looked almost guilty…. And then he looked at the students, at Artie Abram's downtrodden eyes; at Sam Evans' broken gaze; at Sugar Motta's trembling bottom lip; at Tina Cohen-Chang's broken sniffles…. And then he looked to his left, to the people standing sentinel in the doorway, at Rachel Berry who looked ready to collapse; at Finn Hudson who actually had been sick upon the news; at Santana Lopez that was wiping at her eyes uselessly; and at Kurt Hummel who looked numb and broken and as tired as Cooper was sure he looked.
These people all cared about his brother. Whether they knew or understood the amount yet didn't matter, what mattered was the fact that they were all blaming themselves in one way or another. The same way Cooper found himself blaming himself every second of everyday. Blaming yourself wasn't going to solve anything.
But that wasn't going to stop them from doing it. Nothing would. Cooper wasn't stupid. He knew that.
"When people describe Blaine when he was little they will say that he was always smiling, always happy. That he was practically jumping off the walls because of his energy level. That he was part puppy because of the way he looked or acted. And that was true, it was. But Blaine… I remember when he used to play with his dolls. He would be happy one second and then crying the next." Cooper shrugged uselessly, changing his gaze to look out the window. The wind pulled at the leaves on the trees in the parking lot, the sun shone down on the pavement. It was Blaine's favorite type of day. He couldn't help being happy when the sun was too.
"We didn't understand it." Cooper shook his head. "I remember I used to get so angry with him over it. I would yell and yell at him to just stop crying. I would tell him to leave me alone if he was just going to cry the whole day and make mine miserable too. I wasn't exactly the best brother."
"You didn't know." Emma said softly before shutting her mouth at the harsh look Cooper sent her way.
"That doesn't excuse what I did." He snapped before sighing again and rubbing at his neck and looking down at the floor. "My mother finally got annoyed enough, and maybe a bit scared, you can never be too sure with her. But she took him to a child psychiatrist."
He heaved a deep breath and looked across the room again. He made sure to lock eyes with every single person in the room, feeling his own well up in the tears he thought he had dehydrated from himself. "You see, Blaine's had depression and anxiety since he was little. It's nothing he can control, a chemical imbalance in the brain the doctors say. But it scares him and he doesn't understand it when it happens. So sometimes he just… shuts down. And sometimes those around him don't notice, and then things just… get worse."
He hears a noise to his right but Cooper knows it's from Kurt so he doesn't bother turning around to look. He knows if he does he'll see Kurt either clutching Rachel, Finn, or Santana (or all three), or on the ground in a huddle. He knows if he does he'll probably start crying again and if Cooper hadn't gone through the Sadie Hawkins incident he wouldn't have known that a person could cry this much.
"Blaine… gets withdrawn when he's hurting. He… shuts down and shuts out. It takes a lot to get him to open up again." Cooper forced himself to swallow and tried to shut out the noises of the Glee kids breaking down around him. "It wasn't… It wasn't anyone's fault." And his voice falters on the last word and he's crying again and his hand is covering over his mouth as his cheeks become coated in tears and there's someone next to him now, their hand steady and strong on his shoulder but he doesn't want to know who they are. "He gets destructive and he stops thinking because he gets so lonely that he just doesn't want to be lonely anymore. And he d-does stupid things because my brother's so s-stupid but he doesn't know why he does it. He just d-doesn't under-understand and everyone t-tells him that he's in the w-wrong and…." Cooper cuts himself off with a deep steadying breath but it's not enough.
He raises his eyes and looks at the kids around him, many of who are crying openly now, holding onto each other and staring at him.
"It wasn't anyone-anyone's fault." Cooper stresses, probably more to convince himself than to convince anyone else.
They don't say much. The students slowly filter out of the room so that he's alone with the adults and Kurt who's clinging onto his father as though if he lets go he's going to fall into the floor.
Cooper doesn't know what to do, what to say. He just remembers seeing Blaine in the hospital bed and seeing the straps holding his wrists down so he can't hurt himself anymore. He remembers when Blaine woke up, saw him and just started crying and kept saying over and over that he didn't understand and that it hurt and that he was sorry. I'm so sorry, Coop.
He remembers their mother standing up, brushing off her skirt and leaving the room, huffing a bit to herself. He remembers their father standing in the doorway, staring at them, before shaking his head and walking out too. He remembers wanting to punch them both.
He remembers, mostly, how much he wanted to go find Kurt Hummel, and strangle him for being so stupid and uncaring.
But now Cooper stops himself.
Because he can't blame Kurt any more than he can blame himself or blame Blaine or blame the Glee Club.
They didn't know.
How would they know?
He heaves in a deep, shuddering breath before standing up. "Do you want to come?" He asks Kurt softly, and the other boy stares up at him, his face an ugly read and his hands shaking but he nods and he stands up without his father steadying him and they walk out together.
The hospital isn't silent but it almost seems like it should be.
Wes is passed out sleeping in the chair in the far corner of Blaine's room, a book resting on his chest, steadily rising and falling. Wes… the only friend that really seemed to understand Blaine when no one else did. Cooper missed those old Warblers.
Blaine's off suicide watch now. It's been the mandatory 72 hours.
He's not sleeping but he's not really awake either. Cooper knows he's in one of those far away worlds of his.
He's staring up at the ceiling, unseeing. "Hey, squirt." Cooper says as cheerfully as he can because the room's already depressing enough and Blaine could use some happiness. Especially with Kurt standing shock still in the doorway, his hand over his mouth as though to stop himself from blurting anything out. "How's it going in there?" Cooper knocks a fist gently against the side of Blaine's head.
He smiles gently when Blaine turns to look at him, his eyes seeing but not registering. Or rather, registering but not wanting to think much of it. Blaine musters up his best fake smile for Cooper's sake. Cooper feels his heart break just a little more.
He shuffles so that he's leaning over the bed and is all Blaine can see, his hand steady on his curls. "You have a visitor." He whispers and he hears Kurt's sharp intake of breath almost as though to tell him not to bring him up.
"I can't-" Blaine starts because he knows who's there. Of course he knows who's there. Blaine's not stupid.
It's someone he can't deal with but he has to deal with either way.
"Shh." Cooper soothes the best he can, wiping his thumb under Blaine's eye when a single tear falls from his eyes. He leans forward and presses a kiss to his forehead and looks at Kurt from over Blaine's shoulder. Kurt had moved forward sometime, and he was standing behind Blaine, in front of Wes, biting his lip and trying to compose himself not to cry even more.
He nods, as if to tell Kurt to go ahead. "Blaine?" His voice wavers a bit at the end but Cooper knows he doesn't have as much practice with this as Cooper does.
He hasn't been here long enough.
But Blaine just starts crying again, shutting his eyes painfully tight and griping to Cooper's shirt as though his life depends on it.
But Cooper can't stay. He knows he can't. He has to let them figure this out together.
So, even though it hurts, even though he can't help but cry when he leaves the room, Wes looking down at him in worry, he leaves. He leaves and he wakes up Wes and they both sit on the floor outside the hospital room and cry and pretend not to hear what's happening inside.
"Blaine." Kurt tries again, walking around to the other side, where Blaine's curled in on himself and sticking his face so far in the pillow it's very possible he's trying to suffocate himself. Kurt knows he has tears on his face, he knows he was never a pretty crier, he knows Blaine isn't either. But he can't just let this go.
Not when this could be his fault. If only he had answered Blaine's calls or texts or even just let him know that just needed some time….
His hand shakes as it reaches out to grab onto Blaine's, taking it away from his face and cradling it in his own.
He's going to apologize. Or something.
But Blaine beats him to it.
"I'm sorry." Blaine says fast, quick and to the point. And he's looking at Kurt but it hurts so much. Kurt knows it hurts so much. "I'm so sorry."
And Kurt can't find it in himself to be angry with him, because what was it that Cooper said? Blaine didn't understand it. He couldn't control it. And chances were his parents wouldn't even get him a psychiatrist to talk it over with.
"It's okay." He soothes the way he knows Blaine likes to be soothed. He presses Blaine's palm to his cheek and pretends to not notice how he's crying like a fool. Tries not to notice how Blaine's tears have gotten heavier because of those two words. "I love you."
He feels like it needs to be said. Because that's why Blaine did this, right? Because he felt alone enough to think that no one would miss him if he was gone?
"I love you too." Blaine chokes out and for the moment it's enough.
Even though it isn't it is.
So Kurt leans closer and presses their foreheads together, running his hands over the bandages Blaine has on his wrists, kisses where Blaine had bitten through his lip and lets Blaine cling to him as though he's the only thing keeping him grounded.
"I don't know why I did it." Blaine whispers after some time, his voice exhausted from the crying and talking and everything. "I don't know why I did any of it." He swallows and pulls away from Kurt, looking him in the eyes. "And I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
"Stop it." Kurt cuts him off, and blinks away the tears as they come. "You don't have to apologize."
"But I do." Blaine cries in protest. "I do."
"Blaine-"
"I hurt you and I'm sorry." Blaine chokes and Kurt knows he's crying too much. That he might make himself sick from crying this hard. "It hurt. It hurt so much and it was like there was this void in my chest and no one would listen and I just… I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Kurt wondered for a moment exactly what it was Blaine was apologizing for. Trying to kill himself or cheating on him? Which was it? He didn't feel as though it was the right time to ask that, though. "It's okay." Kurt repeated even though it wasn't. Blaine knew it wasn't.
"No it's not." Blaine turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling again. But he didn't take his hand from Kurt's. For that Kurt was grateful.
"It will be." Kurt promised, leaning closer and pressing his lips to Blaine's fist. "It will be." He whispered to himself when Blaine's eyes closed and he continued to cry.
It was obvious Blaine wasn't hearing him. He was in that bad place again.
And there was nothing Kurt could do about it.
Will didn't know what to feel when he visited Blaine for the first time.
Kurt was next to him, his head resting on the bed and staring at their linked fingers. They were both awake and Kurt was singing something softly under his breath. Will didn't know if Blaine could hear him or not, but he knew Kurt did but Kurt made no effort to move or welcome him.
He just sat there and sang softly and ran a finger over Blaine's knuckle.
The room was almost completely silent and Will didn't know what to do.
Dave was bad enough last year. But now… now this… two kids in two years. One of them that he knew.
How hadn't he seen it? Now it was all making sense.
The silence, the withdrawn nature, the way Blaine was just so angry and so defeated at the same time.
Will feels guiltier. Guiltier than he felt with Dave. Guiltier than when Kurt transferred to Dalton because of bullying.
This… this he could have prevented easily.
Simply by doing what he told the Glee kids he would do.
Listening.
He hadn't needed to give Blaine advice or a solo or anything.
Just listened.
And he hadn't even done that.
Will stifled a sob, stepping farther into the room and, finally, Kurt looked at him. He looked so tired, but so determined and protective that Will almost stumbled back.
Kurt was his father's son alright.
But who was Blaine?
Will stepped closer, and he didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything.
He just sat next to Kurt and placed a hand on the boy's back and let him lean into him for a moment as they looked over at the unresponsive Blaine. At the way his breathing wasn't even. At the way every once in a while he'd like out a sob and wipe at his cheeks. At how he never took his hand out of Kurt's – as though Kurt was keeping him grounded.
At the raw pain.
Will didn't know what to do.
He didn't know what to do when Blaine finally snapped back to reality when his parents walked in the room. When his mother looked at him and told him that they were leaving, and gave him a pile of clothes. He didn't know what to do when Blaine's face changed from raw pain to positive acceptance and, wow, he was a better actor than Will gave him credit for.
But there were still cracks.
Plenty of cracks.
Unable to be mended if his parents just whisked him off as though nothing had happened.
Will stood to say something but it seemed as though someone was beating him too it, Cooper flying into the room and pushing Blaine back into the bed with a gentle, yet forceful, hand. "He can't just leave."
"Cooper, darling, don't get in the way." Their mother said with fake happiness.
"Mom, he needs help." Blaine looked between them with wide eyes and he leaned back.
"Cooper, your brother just had an accident."
"With a razor and sleeping pills." Blaine visibly flinched back, his eyes shutting and his breath stuttering.
This wasn't helping him.
It wasn't helping him at all.
"You know not to speak of that here!"
"Mrs. Anderson." Will stood up, his hand on Kurt's back as Kurt leaned forward and held Blaine's hand up to his lips, staring at the other boy as though he was about to disappear. "If I may."
"You may not." Mister Anderson spoke for the first time, his voice gruff and angry.
And suddenly Will was angry too.
Because they could have stopped this sooner than he could have. "Your son tried to kill himself." Blaine flinched again, and so did his parents and everyone else in the room, including Will himself. "He…"
"I cut my wrists, lay on my bed, swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, and locked the door to my bedroom." Blaine said softly but with a conviction. Kurt's breath hitched and he was crying again, but so was Blaine. "And I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Kurt soothed again but that only seemed to make Blaine angry because he pulled his hand out of Kurt's grip and glared at them all.
"No! No it's not okay! Stop saying it is!" Blaine snapped and cried at the same time and it was probably the most heart breaking thing Will had ever seen. "It hurts! And I know if it hurts like this for me it must hurt so much more of you and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to fuck with your public image. I didn't want to pull you from work, from New York."
But they're almost all crying now. His parents impassive and stony.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't understand why I did it I just did and I just-"
"Shh." Cooper rushes forward but Blaine shoves him off too.
"No!" He yells desperately and Will thinks he knows what's happening.
Blaine's finally talking and people are finally listening. He's not going to let that go at any time.
"Everyone tells me to shut up or to stop talking about it or that it's going to be okay but it's not. It hurts so much and it doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel like it's going to be okay."
Will does what he knows Blaine needs someone to do, and he sits down on the bed next to him, looks him in the eyes and says the three words Blaine's needed to hear his whole life.
"We are listening." Blaine looks at him and he just cries and cries and Will doesn't know when he stops crying but he knows that when he does he's lying on his side, cuddled into Kurt's side. He knows Kurt's holding him under his chin protectively and crying himself. He knows Cooper's sitting in the corner of the room, his head buried in his knees. He knows he's emotionally exhausted but Blaine has one hand on his shirt to keep him there and, for once, Will feels as though things just may be okay in the end.
So long as they listened.
A: N – Omfg I am so sorry. –dies and sobs-
Wish me luck in school tomorrow BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO ANY OF MY HOMEWORK.