Title: The Tempest
Rating: T
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from Grey's Anatomy. The characters are created and owned by Shonda Rhimes and ABC. The story is for entertainment only. I am not profiting financially from the creation and publication of this story.
Summary: This story is about Callie and Arizona, after Arizona's adultery.
A/N There is a plethora of good fan fiction out there right now, especially post episode 24. I decided to add to pile, though I am not entirely confident with this story, I decided to give it a shot. I have no beta (though I probably should), so the mistakes are all mine. Thank you to those who take their time to read it.
Dear Arizona,
You have shut me out, avoided me these last few days since that godawful night. Your sad, blue eyes tell me you are conflicted. I wish I understood what is conflicting: me, you, us? We've been together long enough that I know you need time to process, but I can't wait for that moment of clarity any longer. You know me well enough to understand that I am yearning for answers. Clearly, you are not ready to talk to me, to share what the hell happened. I am suffocating with the gossip, rumors and reality. I need to escape; my brain and body need fresh air. Remaining here is not possible at present.
As you read this letter, some of it will not be new information, and some of it will be. I just want to apprise you of where I stand, however nebulous. Writing this is all I can manage right now, each letter I scrawl, each word I pen is gnawing at me. I never imagined that loving you could be so painful; I still do love you. However, I need to learn to love myself again; my self-esteem is tattered.
It turns out I not only lost you, but I am now adrift. Maybe I have been astray longer than I even realized. You deserve the courtesy of knowing that I am embarking on a journey of self-realization in order to survive this, to understand what transpired. I struggle to wonder how could I misinterpret what I thought was healing, albeit slow and duped by what I accepted as love. In terms of how I am managing me, honestly, I am not sure how I will move forward from this, but I am determined to muddle through. I should be an expert on cheating spouses, right?
Who am I? I intend to find out, away from you, Grey-Sloan, well-meaning friends and colleagues. Starting today, I am distancing myself from all of those. My leave of absence has been approved, and I will be living away from all that is familiar, comfortable and yes, painful. My relationship track record is less than desirable; I think a fresh start is warranted and I am entitled.
You know by now, since the board approved it, that I have turned over my board seat to Bailey during my absence. She will do a great job, in that I am confident. It is probably the only thing I am confident in at this moment.
The apartment is yours, for as long as you want it. My key is included with this letter. Now you can be assured that I am totally out of your space, that I won't be returning, unannounced. If you choose to move, just place the remaining items in storage.
Where am I going? I would rather not say yet. We both have lost so much, we are both lost. Living outside of each other's radar will help both of us find our way. It is time that I only speak for myself, find my voice. For too long I spoke on behalf of you, never realizing it would do more damage than good. That was never my intent; I am sorry for that.
It is time I find my place in the world as an individual, my own identity. Too long I was the oddball living in the basement, George's wife, his ex-wife, Mark's best friend, his sex- friend, Erica's friend, girlfriend, her ex, your wife, now your ex. I've been cheated not once but twice, buried two men close to me, been an abandoned by my family and now by you. Oddly enough, though I detest labels, I am in search of one that suits me, one that defines me. At least I am still a badass surgeon and a mom to Sofia.
My segue to Sofia, how do we manage Sofia? She is the true, innocent victim in all this, the light in my dark tunnel. A difficult question, don't you think, what about Sofia? In my mind, here and now, you are not the person I fell in love with, perhaps in body but not in mind or in spirit. You are not the same person who gave Sofia life that day in the OR. Do you love her? I would say yes. Do you love her selflessly, as a parent? I'm not sure, only you can answer that. Is she part of your dream?
It is not my intent to keep her from you; I would never to that to you or her. But her welfare is my utmost concern right now. What have you become? It is a question that screams at me. You offered to cut my leg off with a bone saw to make things even? In what cruel and sadistic world is that even remotely acceptable? Your soul is abundant with anger and hate.
How did that happen? I know how, you fell from the sky. It is vexatious for me to think that you would rather be dead, than alive minus a leg. I believed "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts," that one, alive Arizona far exceeded her appendages. Never did I fathom that you would rather be dead than an amputee.
Know this - I will NEVER regret choosing your life over your leg. I would make the same call time and time again. If our dissolution is my consequence for loving you too much to let you die, then so be it, as painful as it might be for me.
Never did I think that your vanity outweighed your love for Sophia and me, or even yourself for that matter. Your eyes, your smile, your dimples, now they got my attention. But your personality, your heart, your awesomeness won my love. I find you remarkably beautiful. I said those very words often but you failed to hear them. I wish you could see that beauty too, that you did not need to sleep with a relative stranger to feel worthy of life.
It is still appalling for me to think that you slept with the first person who flirted with you. The irony of this is that while you found Mark's sexual promiscuity so abhorrent, you apparently are not so different. At least he was not married, therein lies a world of difference. Before I digress to further condemnation, I need bring this letter to a close.
Let's keep our communication written for the time being. Email, texting and phone calls are too immediate for me. The old fashion letter allows me to shape my thoughts more thoroughly and without impulsivity. Truth be known, my words are more authentic when scribed with pen on paper. Yes, I do have my email address and cell phone, but I will be checking those infrequently.
Veritably, hearing your voice at this point would leave me in shards. If you so choose, you may write me in care of the PO Box noted on the envelope. If and when you are ready to see Sofia, I will work out a time and a place. You are still her Mama.
My one request is that you please get some professional help. Arizona, fate has broken you and you deserve to heal. Do what you want to do, what you need to do. Feel free to move forward and even move on, away from my watchful eyes. Yes, we are still married, but the tempest clearly washed away our vows. I will not hold you to them, and I ask that you release me from the same marital expectations.
Warm Regards,
Callie