Disclaimer: Hi guys it has bee a really long time? I apologize life has been crazy for the past few years, by now you all know I suffer a heart attack two years ago and it took a huge toll on my health. Ever since then, things have slowed down. I been working o different projects so please bare with me with all my stories that haven't been updated in ages. I am working on finishing all the stories currently posted and any future ones I might add. So please be patient; I haven't forgotten all the other stories and I will finish them that is a promise.

I am doing this story as a gift to someone who has supported me incredibly and has been more than a friend SouthunLady, she has become one of my most important friends and supporters and we meet trough this website, she not only was Beta editor but supported my while doing college reviewing all my essays and papers. This story is a gift created specialy to her, so I apologize about any grammatical errors since I will be doing this on my, without being edited mainly because I want to give her something to look forward everyday without having to be the editor, a story she can read and enjoy all on her own. So this is the first time she would see this, the minute you guys do, again I apologize about any grammar errors this would be posted especially for her and I truly want her to enjoy the story.

I DO NOT OWE CRIMINAL MINDS OR THE CHARACTHERS

Loving You Forever is What I Need

"My love for you is a journey starting at forever and ending at never."- Anonymous

Hotch watched the brunette quietly, from the corner of the bar he was sitting at; they had been out for drinks to celebrate Morgan's new girlfriend. Or the flavor of the month as the girls would say. It wasn't new to anyone; that Morgan was well known for being a player. But apparently this girl was serious and he had decided to actually introduce her to the team. So now they where gathered around at their regular bar, meeting Savanah, well the boys were getting to meet her. JJ, Emily and Garcia had been exchanging glances at each other and rolling their eyes whenever Savanah did as much as to laugh or blink. The team had been together for so long they have become a real family, and as such, they took their job very seriously especially when it came to protecting each other.

They had been at the bar for a couple of hours now and Hotch was starting to get a headache, it wasn't that he didn't enjoy spending time with the team. They had just been working nonstop, it was literally the first night off they had after fourteen-days-on-the-road working cases out of state. He would be lucky if he got a full night sleep, and having Jessica keep Jack for the morning wasn't even an option. He had already neglected his son enough, with all the hours he worked everyday. He really needed to spend more quality time with Jack, after Haley's death he had promised to dedicate his son as much time as he could. For the most part he had kept his word, Jack had been his number one priority since Haley's death a few years ago. The so stoic Unit Chief had become a single-working-father; at the beginning he was afraid he will fail terrible, but Jack was doing great and Hotch was thankful for that. He really could proudly said Jack was a very well behaved eight year old.

He finished his glass of scotch as he watched Emily again, she was saying goodbye to JJ and Garcia. He heard her mumble something about having a headache, and really needing to go check on Sergio her cat. In all honesty he knew very well she just wanted to be out of the bar as soon as she could, he could see the black bags under her eyes and knew very well she was beyond exhausted. Of course Emily would never admit that out loud, they were so much alike it wasn't even funny. Perhaps it was the reason why things were the way they were at the present moment. Hotch couldn't even describe into words what Emily was to him…..or better said what she had been..

He still wasn't sure, and he probably never would, too many things had happened between them, and there was no way going back. He remembered very well the very first time Emily Prentiss walked into his office, so eager to save the world and prove herself to anyone that was willing to listen. That woman that made him so uncomfortable the very first time they met, end up taking a place on his heart, a place no one would ever be able to replace.

But love wasn't that simple of course, the very first year Emily was working for the BAU, she had to prove herself to the team and Hotch himself. But sooner rather than later Hotch realized she was one of the best agents he had ever worked with. She was smart, compassionate, driven, and beautiful nonetheless. She became part of their family quickly, and the team adore her, it was like Emily was the piece of the puzzle they were always missing that came to make everything better. Even with Hotch himself, she was never afraid to put him on his place, or call him out on his bullshit, yet, she was the first one by his side in the most difficult moments of his life.

Hotch wasn't even sure how everything happened between them, but one day, he found himself kissing her, after he drove her home one night. They started sleeping together soon after that, none of them were really sure what they wanted at first, it just felt nice. Perhaps it was about burning sexual tension, or maybe it was loneliness, or maybe, just maybe it was the feeling of her skin wrapped around his body when his own nightmares were chasing him. They found a way to heal each other by burying themselves into each others body and soul. Of course it wasn't just sex, it ever was just that with Emily Prentiss, it would have been so much easier if it had been, sex was something Hotch could do without problem, it was when his feelings were involved that everything went down the drain.

There were to many complications, he was her boss, and she was his subordinate, then there was the team, and Strauss, and then Jack and Haley. Then the passing of his wife and him becoming a single parent, and the BAU, and any other incident that managed to get in their way of their happiness. There had always been a reason that stopped him from really going to that place, that place where he could fully allow himself to love her deeply and unconditionally like he really wanted. Too many things had happened, too many words have been lefts unsaid, to many years have passed by. Five years of up and downs, five years of dancing around their feelings and putting work at first, or Jack or the team, or Emily's safety. The truth was he truly did love Emily, probably more than he ever loved anyone including Haley, but he had caused her so much pain to in the past five years that he wasn't really sure he actually deserved her. Emily had been the best thing that had happened to him, but she had come in moment where he was confused and in such a dark place, and now years after he just wasn't sure he could give her what she truly deserved, no matter what had happened between them, he really wanted the best for her, and he knew he wasn't the best for her.

He watched her say goodbye to the other ones, as he followed her with his eyes, it was late and they all had been drinking, The unit chief just really wanted to go home and get some sleep, well first make sure Emily made it home safe, then go to his own place and get some sleep. He followed Emily into the parking lot without dragging attention from the team, not that it really mattered, but the least questioning he got from the team about his personal life the better.

"Let me take you home" he whispered softly as he gently reached for her arm when he finally caught up with her at the parking lot.

"Jesus Christ Hotch! You scared me witless" She said startled looking at him irritated

"I am sorry; it wasn't my intention" he said pausing "Please let me take you home…"

"I am fine Hotch…I literally had two drinks" she rolled her eyes holding two fingers in front of him.

"You had 3 drinks and 2 shots" he stated softly "Although I am not really sure that last shot was even a full one, with Garcia spilling the drinks everywhere" he smiled, one of those rare full dimpled smiles that made Emily shiver.

"I am fine…..just go home Hotch, really I will call a cab….or whatever, I am okay…"

"I thought we were still friends…" He stated a little sadly, Emily closed her eyes sighing.

"We are friends Hotch….is just…." She didn't even have the words, so she looked away

"Just what?""" he asked genuinely intrigued "Friends care for each other….."

"I know Hotch, I just don't think is a good idea….." Emily stated wrapping her arms around her chest, looking slightly uncomfortable

"I am not suggesting taking you to bed Emily, I offer to take you home is late, and is probably going to rain…" he offered really trying to get them out of the parking lot, it was cold and they were both exhausted.

"Fine…" Emily sighed, she wasn't on the mood for any of this, she truly just wanted to go home and forget that everyone including Hotch, existed.

She followed Hotch quietly into his car, and slide into the passenger sit closing her eyes. She heard Hotch slide in and start the car, she wondered how long could she pretend she was sleeping before he began attempting to have a conversation.

"So how long is Savanah going to be on the dog house before she is allowed in the girls club?" He asked smiling a bit, knowing fully well the girls had been evaluation whether or not the girl was good enough to be with Derek.

"Oh Please! Is not like Morgan needs my approval…. he literally can have any girl he wants"

"I was thinking more like he values your opinion…." Hotch replied as he entered the highway. Emily meet his eyes with a half smile, she knew very well that Hotch was aware how much Morgan cared for her and what her opinion meant to him.

"Honestly I think she is beautiful!, but is hard to really form an opinion when he changes woman like he changes underwear" Emily said after a few minutes, that made Hotch laugh and he couldn't agree anymore, Derek definitely like women

The rest of the drive was pretty much quiet, it wasn't like Emily was purposely ignoring him, she just didn't have anything to say, she was truly exhausted and she wasn't sure drinking had been a good idea. She was now getting a headache and the last person she wanted to be with right now, was Hotch, she never really thought she would feel like this, but after everything that had happened she wasn't just sure. She never wanted to hate Hotch she just didn't want him near her ever again.

When they arrived to Emily's condo, Hotch cut the engine and got out to open the door for her, regardless of what happened between them he was still a gentleman, he would always be.

"You don't have to walk me to the door Hotch, I am not five" Emily said exasperated

"I know that, is dark outside and I just want to see you safe inside home" he said in a challenge tone. One that used to turn her on, now it just made her kind of nauseous. Emily just sighed rolling her eyes, there was no point to argue with him, and she wasn't really on the mood anyway.

When they arrived to her apartment door, Emily opened the door and walked in and throwing her keys and purse on the counter, Hotch following her quietly and looking around the once familiar cozy living room. She took of her shoes calling for her so beloved cat.

"Thanks for walking me over Hotch, have a good night" Emily said avoiding his eyes, it really was making her uncomfortable to have him there. Hotch sighed looking at her, her posture was screaming how truly annoyed and uncomfortable she was with his presence.

"Is this how is how things are going to be for now on?" He asked with a sad expression

"Is what going to be?" Emily asked annoyed

"Us? You barely talking to me? Acting like I am an unsub anytime I come near you?" he truly wanted to know if she really hated him so much, of course he knew how much he had hurt her.

"I don't know what you want me to say Hotch" Emily responded rubbing her temple clearly frustrated, she should have never let him take her home, she knew that.

"Why can you just tell me the truth? How you are feeling….you used to tell me everything Emily….."his tone reflected pain and annoyance

"Dammit Aaron….." she bit angrily "What do you want me to say? There is nothing left to say anymore, you made your choices and I made mine, there nothing else to say"

"Emily…just…."

"What Aaron! What ?!" She snapped

"If this is about Beth…..I will end things with her" he added cautiously, he knew she was upset and he wasn't sure how she was going to re act.

"Aaron stop" she put her hand out "You owe me nothing, your free to date whomever you want….."

"You told me to move on….." he said sadly remembering six months ago, when they broke up for the third time in the five years they have together. Dating was probably a strong word, he was never really sure what they really were. "You told me to find someone else and let you go…."

"I did…..and that is exactly what you did…take the first woman you ran into to bed….." Emily said with hatred on her voice.

"I haven't slept with Beth, and you know that….Emily… I don't want to hurt you…."

"You are not" her breath caught, she could feel her heart breaking.

"Emily….you know that you will always be in my heart" this time she wasn't able to speak, her heart strings tugged.

"I will leave Beth right now, to be with you…." He said coming closer to her and taking her hand in his. Emily withdrew her had taking a step back she couldn't stand his touch right now.

"All you have to do is ask Emily…and I will do it…I will fight for you" he pleaded. Her eyes filled with tears, shaking her head and walking away from him.

"Em….."

"Don't please! Just stop" She begged

"Emily…"

"You broke my heart three times Aaron…. three fucking times!" she reproached " and you still have the decency to stand here and tell me you will leave her…" she furiously wiped her eyes

"I know that, and I am really sorry….there was so much going back then….Emily I have made so many mistakes…..but I can swear to you that if you give me one more chance I will make it up to you for the rest of my life…..I will do anything it takes….." he begged reaching out for her

" Aaron don't do this please….." she begged as tears started rolling down her eyes

"Baby…"

"I can't Aaron not anymore…please just….just leave…"

" Emily….."

"Go Aaron! Please just go….call Beth…..forget about me and just move on with your life please…."

Hotch stood there looking at her, he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and kiss her breathless. He knew he would never care about anyone the way he cared about her. But too much had happened, he had broken her heart too many times. It wasn't intentional, the majority of the time he had been trying to protect her even if it meant his own happiness. Life hadn't been easy for them, there were to many skeletons in the closet. The very first time they have attempted to give it a shot at a relationship, they were hiding from the team and everyone, his divorce was barely finalized and Haley was out of control, he didn't want to drag Emily into his mess so he distanced from her and put a stop to things before they could really be emotionally involved. That really hurt Emily but he knew Haley would go after Emily if she knew he was in love with her, Emily didn't deserve to be dragged into his messy divorce.

The second time neither of them could really stay away from each other, the chemistry between them was almost sickening, he had never feel so connected with someone sexually and emotionally, but right around that time Straus was trying to destroy him and his career. Hotch knew very well that if Strauss had any evidence of them dating or involved in anyway he would destroy Emily and her career and he couldn't let that happen, her care about her too much. He was willing to sacrifice his own happiness to protect her from BAU and Strauss.

The final time, Emily had been with him through the most difficult times of his life, she understood him better than anyone else ever had. It wasn't even about company or sexual attraction anymore, it was the fact that when he was with Emily he could be himself without all his stoic facades, she was literally the light of his eyes, a happiness Hotch didn't know he could ever achieve. But then Foyet happened and Haley died and he found himself a mess again, only this time no one should have to pay for his mistakes like Haley had. He didn't deserve Emily, a broken man, that had nothing to offer. She was too good; she was beautiful and perfect, she deserved the best in the world and he wasn't that. So once again he ended things with her, as much as he hated to hurt Emily he knew she would eventually recover and find someone who could really make her happy and really deserve her.

"If that is what you really want? …..I would leave you alone and never bother you again…" He said looking down, it really hurt to be there not being able to hold her in his arms and telling her how much he really loved her.

That was what killed him the most, that he couldn't tell her that he loved her, they have never actually said it out loud to each other, they have pretty much given their lives protecting each other and watching after each other, but never in five years neither of them have said the most three simple words a human could say.

"I do….be with Beth and find your happiness there…" Emily said in a short voice, it hurt so much to let him go. "Please go Hotch….."

"Okay…..I respect your decision….just know that no matter what you will forever be in my heart.." he said placing a kiss on her forehead, that was as close as he have ever been to saying I love you, and it still wasn't enough. He left her apartment not looking back, he knew he would probably never recover from this.

Emily watched him walk away, as tears rolled down her eyes, after five years of fighting against her own feelings, she was finally able to say NO. It was tearing her apart, but she couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't bare the pain that he was causing her, and she knew very well he would never be fully hers.

Share my life

Take me for what I am

'Cause I'll never change

All my colors for you

Take my love

I'll never ask for too much

Just all that you are

And everything that you do

I don't really need to look

Very much further

I don't want to have to go

Where you don't follow

I will hold it back again

This passion inside

Can't run from myself

There's nowhere to hide…

Watching him with another woman would probably destroy her, but she knew they would never be able to be happy, too much had happened, they were both too damaged to even be able to make themselves happy. Emily knew very well she should have ever gotten involved with him, it hurt too much, and he would never be hers. Maybe it was time for her to move on as well, and try to find happiness somewhere else, she needed to let him go even if it was the last thing she did. Maybe one day she will stop loving Aaron Hotchner the way she did.

But don't make me close one more door

I don't want to hurt anymore

Stay in my arms if you dare

Or must I imagine you there

Don't walk away from me

I have nothing, nothing, nothing

If I don't have you, you, you, you, you…..

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."

― Steve Maraboli