Author's Notes: Why I keep fooling myself into thinking that I'm able to write plotless, smutty one-shots is a question for the ages.
But never mind that.
Unlike my first sequel, this one is still being written, but I had to start posting because the re-editing was driving my procrastinating ass crazy.
I'm going for something shorter (hopefully), about three chapters long (I consider that progress) with the first two being all-plot (as plot-y as you'll consider this, anyway) and the third one being 90% shameless porn.
Only dialogue for this one, I'm afraid, but bear with me – or just skip it altogether; God knows I've indulged myself enough by writing it.
"I've been thinking."
"Hang on."
"… well, that's a little rude."
"Okay, I've got them first-aid kits and multi-hazard contingency plans. Fire away."
"Ah. You're hilarious. Maybe I should hang up and go laugh myself stupid somewhere else. With sharp and pointy blades, preferably."
"Once a Boy Scout, always a Boy Scout. Forever prepared, Fancy."
"Oh, stop. You're killing me. Please stop."
"You're laughing on the inside, I know. Deep down."
"I'm sure. Am I allowed words now?"
"Go on, I'm ready for you."
"Let's just take that out of context for a minute, shall we?"
"… you've been watching porn again, haven't you?"
"Only a lot. It's definitely interesting, once you get past the obviously fake screeching and the awful lighting and the lines. Oh my god, Dave, you wouldn't believe the lines."
"Got a pretty good idea, actually."
"How can you like it? There's always at least one attention whore who'll keep making eyes at the camera. It makes me feel all perverted and disgusting."
"You're a bit of a perv, but you're anything but disgusting, baby."
"Started off disastrously, closed the deal with a golden key. My boyfriend, ladies and gents."
"I'd curtsy if it wasn't so gay."
"Yes, it would definitely put a damper on your reputation. I don't think my dad would even let us see each other anymore."
"'Cause I might turn you, right?"
"Well – sweet spring sales, what are they even doing with that cheetah?"
"You're watching it now? Wait. Should I be freaking out over exactly what kind of porn you've been watching?"
"It's a stuffed cheetah, Dave, god. But don't ask me what it is that they're doing with or to it, because I keep seeing them shuffling around and poking it and – oh."
"Don't tell me, Jesus, I don't really want to know, why can't you watch normal porn like everybody else, goddamnit, Fancy –"
"Oh, oh. I see. It's a sort of jungle role-play. With a cheetah. Seriously, is it that hard to do a five-minute fact check on Wikipedia?"
"Maybe Walmart was out of Bagheeras?"
"I believe they're called panthers, David. Funny enough, I thought the scrawny guy might be incontinent, but turns out he's an ersatz Mogli. Also, is there such a thing as normal porn?"
"Yes. I'll link it to you, okay? Just turn that thing off, or I'll never be able to look Alex's Baloo in the eye again."
"He is your sister's, is he."
"… shut up. He was Em's first of all."
"That is incredibly sweet. Reminds me that your mother still owes me a private showing of your baby pictures."
"Yeah, I kinda might have told her you hate babies."
"…"
"Okay, so I didn't. But you'll get nothing like Finn's naked reveal, just so you know."
"You're not about to tell me you were the only baby in the world who didn't think of pants as a criminal offense, are you? Even I wasn't entirely sold on the idea."
"'S not like you have to resort to baby pics to seem me without pants, Fancy."
"Isn't it?"
"What?"
"Yes, what."
"I – did you get the link?"
"And this is why your mom and I are such good friends. We're practically a support group."
"Huh?"
"'Get Through To Dave Karofsky Without Unwittingly Committing First-Degree Murder'."
"… whatever."
"Yes, I did get your link. Is there any reason why one of the guys in the first video looks like a bland, tasteless, wormy version of a nowhere-nearly-as-fabulous me?"
"He's kinda hot. Nice moaning."
"Oh, please. He sounds like he's having his wise teeth pulled out through his nose and getting off on it. And did you not notice the alarmingly large mole just bellow his right shoulder blade?"
"… it's a freckle."
"I'm sure you'll still look every bit as attractive in your new, badly needed corrective lenses. And his nose is crooked. And what is it with those ears; does he need them for smother landings? Do they even have standards when casting these people?"
"I'm going out on a limb here and say you might sound a little bit jealous."
"Me. Jealous. Of… that."
"Some people might get that idea."
"You like the moans, do you?"
"Baby…"
"He does sound professional. Maybe you'd rather have him saying –"
"See, I still think they're cute, these crazy-ass tangents of yours. As if I'd give a tenth of a fuck for the guy with you in the room. Just sitting there on the edge of that ratty fuck-up of a couch, with your notepad and your fake granny glasses, taking down every wrong move."
"So you'd rather watch me covered from head to toe, standing still and saying nothing, over watching Sir Groan-A-Lot do one more of his acrobatic naked stunts?"
"Every day of every fucking week of every goddamn month of –"
"Come over and I'll kiss you."
"Sounds nice."
"And other things. Although it's probably for the best if I go over to your house later. Finn is always around these days."
"Better still. Hey, aren't you turning it off?"
"No, I'm researching."
"W-what?"
"'How Not To Act When Acting'. Porn is very edifying in respect to that, especially the free of charge kind. I've managed to find some diamonds in the rough, but they're few and far between, and I get bored easily."
"One of these days I'll get you to watch one with me, no notepad, granny glasses or research."
"What else would we be watching it for?"
"I don't know, getting off maybe? I hear people do weird stuff like that while watching porn, go figure."
"But I have you for that."
"Always, baby. And you look hot in those glasses, anyway."
"Please. You think I look hot in anything."
"True story."
"My ego thanks you, but I'm getting concerned over its size. It will have to deflate one day."
"Nah, like you big."
"… my ego?"
"Your dick."
"…"
"Cute squeak. And yet just the other day you were practically jerking me off under the dining table."
"You kept groping me!"
"I had my hand on your knee for, like, five seconds before you started molesting me in front of my family."
"They didn't notice, did they? They were the sweetest to me. Do tell your mother that that rustic summer-vegetable casserole was divine."
"Yeah, I'm really gonna go to her and say 'Mom, your casserole was like, divine'."
"You're hopeless."
"Doesn't that make you a lil' bit of a masochist for liking it?"
"Actually, I love it."
"… so, about that thing you're thinking about?"
"David, we should talk–"
"Alex won't stop yapping about whatever you did to her hair last week. You should come shut her up."
"Dave, I'm serious, I need to –"
"And Em's coming to town in less than two weeks. She's more excited about meeting you than seeing her own brother again.
"Don't think I don't see what you're doing there. Fine. Your loss."
"Kurt –"
"I can't wait to meet her, too. And tell Alexis I'll come by tomorrow, if she's not busy."
"She's twelve and on summer break, how is she gonna be busy? Wait, shit."
"What?"
"My mom wants me to take her to the mall tomorrow. She hates driving on her day off."
"So? I hardly think she wouldn't trust me alone with your sister."
"Yeah, but I won't be there."
"And…?"
"Really? Fancy, come on."
"I enjoy your sister's company very much. She is incredibly mature for her young age."
"Yeah, but you can't make-out with her. Shit, fuck, gross!"
"You brought it on yourself. And there's more to life than making out."
"You're shitting me. There's more?"
"You're incredibly spirited today."
"Maybe I'm in a good mood."
"What happened?"
"Well, I'm talking to you, so bonus."
"Stop it, you know I can't stay mad at you when you start being sickeningly sweet."
"Why the hell would you be mad at me for?"
"You know why."
"Nope. No idea."
"You're insufferable."
"You like it."
"No, I don't. I lo –"
"And Az PM'ed me on Facebook last night to tell me he'd seen us with Brit and Santana at the Lima Bean and that if I had something to tell him then I should really fucking come out and say it. Something about me stopping to be such a secretive asshole to my best friend."
"Oh my god, really? Do you think he – I mean, of course he suspects, what am I saying, but –"
"Either that, or he thinks I'm into some really kinky four-way stuff."
"Dave, that's wonderful! Unless I'm reading into it all wrong and he's preparing to give you a summer slushie-special."
"Yeah, I've been kinda worried about that, too. But I guess he'd just de-friend me right away or some shit, right?"
"We're foraying into straight guy territory, David. Need I remind you of my previous experience in that area?"
"… right."
"You should call him… maybe? Or text him, if you're that nervous."
"Shit. I don't know. It'd be really fucking awesome if he was okay with all this."
"It really would. And he sounds angrier at you for not telling him rather than for what you have to tell him."
"That's good, right?"
"I do believe so, yes."
"Wanna hold my hand while I call him?"
"I won't even mock you for that because it sounds like you're only half-joking. Do you want me to be there?"
"… no. Gotta man-up, right? But…"
"Yes?"
"Could you come over after?"
"Of course. Text me and I'll be there."
"Awesome. Thanks. I'll just… now, okay?"
"Let me just get dressed and I'll be right over."
"W-what?"
"House clothes, David. I don't usually parade around naked while answering the phone."
"Pity that."
"I'm sure. Actually, that sort of ties in with what I wanted to – no, forget it, I'll talk to you later."
"Huh, okay. See you, baby."
"Ugh."
"Kurt?"
"Right, right, I'll see you later then, bye. Have to go, bye."
"And then I'm rude."
"…"
"Maybe I'll just send him a Farmville cow. That ought to mellow him up a bit."
"…"
"…"
A/N 2#: Next chapter we're getting a surprise guest. Who's excited? I'm excited.