AN: I really like the theory that Kreia=Arren Kae, but that doesn't affect this story in any way except that I mention Arren is going blind. Enjoy!
One of the suns of Eshan slithered down to the horizon, radiating warm evening light that tickled Arren's face. She leaned her torso over the penthouse balcony, examining the energetic Echani life in the city below. Their kinetic culture fascinated Arren. Battle and movement shaped Echani worldviews and gave them intuitive knowledge that many Jedi lacked. It was a beautiful thing, their culture, and something Arren meticulously studied in the last five years. And it was something she now studied even harder.
When her eyes tired of watching she returned inside and rested atop carmine bed sheets. This soft carmine bed was a place full of memories for her. Arren cautiously prodded those memories, but deemed them too intense to revisit at the moment. Her impetuous actions here now demanded payment. Hugging her legs to her chest, she accepted that she existed in the harsh present instead of the carefree past.
She drowsed for an hour, a perfect hour of an empty mind. Sitting up from her curled horizontal position, Arren realized she was no longer alone. Yusanis entered the bedroom wearing a fine tunic with a military vest and noble scarlet-and-gold trousers. He removed the layers of clothing covering his chest, revealing bulging, sharply-chiseled muscles that did not belong on a forty-year-old body. Arren's eyesight was failing, so she saw through the Force and her hands. His warm bare chest unlocked those sweet memories, as did his stubbly jawline and pale messy hair. Revisiting the past was now her escape from the present.
Five years prior the Jedi Council sent her and her Padawan to Eshan to investigate a series of military assassinations. Her search for answers led her to Yusanis's manor, where she questioned almost the entire household, including master and mistress. Arren learned as many details about Yusanis from one conversation as she did about the criminal. The Echani General acted with intuition and cunning, his borderline manipulation of people and events intrigued her. Tracking down the killer was simple thanks to the master's insight. He was not a follower of Jedi or Sith philosophies, yet he viewed the galaxy as if through the Force. Although he was neither dark nor light, somehow he was both, neutral. That one mission was unlike all the others because of him, and Arren was tied.
Her lover strolled away from the bed to a cabinet fat with glasses and beverages. Yusanis poured a short glass of some dark alcohol, and offered some to Arren, who shook her head. Jedi did not partake of any substances that dulled or confused the senses, for a Jedi must always be prepared. Little of her sight remained, but she could not lose her ears to hear his voice or hands to touch his body. To decline for these reasons was her habit; now she had another purpose. After a sip he kissed her mouth so deeply she could taste every fermented plant manufactured to form the drink. Arren craved the kiss again when it ended. When he kissed her she could forget, or go back to another time.
Their first kiss lured Arren away from the harsh chastity demanded by the Jedi Council. She remembered a time before such laws were required, only a few years gone, and everything was simpler then. But she never felt such physical temptations until that first kiss. Fate, or the Force, brought them together again on Coruscant. When she and Yusanis rendezvoused, he taught her of Echani culture and their emphasis on battle. And they fought, according to customs. Arren was unaware at the time that the Echani read thoughts and emotions through movements. While Arren discovered new battle techniques, Yusanis uncovered the subconscious feelings she harbored for him. Eventually he informed her of the mutual attraction. Arren remembered feeling betrayed by herself, for she lacked the control over every aspect of her soul that the Jedi required. For a month she ran from those feelings. Then she demanded Yusanis teach her how to use Echani practices to read emotions as well. This freed her soul and allowed the Force to touch a very secular ritual practice. Right before the kiss she burned with apprehension. Romance was forbidden, he had a wife and four children...but then he kissed her and she denied herself no longer.
Now she realized how foolish her actions were. Even if she disagreed with certain Jedi tenets, they were still forbidden. Pushing those boundaries with a secret love affair was dangerous, and something inevitably would jeopardize that secret. If they discovered her actions, the Jedi Council would surely exile her. When. They were certain to discover, she was doomed. "Arren, what's wrong?" Yusanis whispered into her ear. She clawed into the silky sheets.
The first night she spent on these sheets astonished her. The sex was only fair compared to later nights and the sexual act itself was not the momentous feature. Before then, excluding whenever Yusanis had embraced her, she had never been physically close to another. No one wrapped her in comforting arms when she cried, or lifted her when she exuded celebratory self-confidence. Such emotions and actions were not the Jedi way, although every Jedi felt that way occasionally. He gifted her with the freedom of expression. So when Yusanis positioned his strong body against hers, and they nuzzled together afterwards in the cool night air, even basic movements such as breathing and nestling were surreal. Despite sinning against the Jedi, Arren believed in her choices and never doubted. If she had it would have broken her.
She longed to rest her head on Yusanis's shoulder, but now every touch was bittersweet. How could she be so stupid? "This has to end." Saying the words repulsed her, sickened her. She was not ready to let go.
Yusanis gazed into her failing eyes, aware of their hesitance and revulsion. The pale blue of his irises were barely distinguishable to her. "But why?"
She feared the true reason, so gave another. "Five years is a long time for a wife to be without a husband."
Arren Kae supposed her love for the Echani General Yusanis blossomed during training sessions together. He taught her the ways of Echani battle, and she informed him of the Force and its inevitable impact on all life. Thirty years of suppressed curiosity begat that love, she was sure, but it did not invalidate it. Of all the people in the galaxy Arren had met, Yusanis was beyond standard and worthy of adoration. He further inspired her to think and behave independently, for she was already an eccentricity among the Jedi. He encouraged her to use her strength in the Force to shape others. And he persuaded her to trust her apt intuition in a way the Order never could. Arren knew she changed Yusanis as well, but she was careful to ensure that parts of him remained a mystery to her, so that there was always more to discover. When he murmured an earnest "I love you" into her ear for the first time, she vowed to find those mysteries. The Jedi kept everyone at arm's distance, never unlocking another's soul, and thus failed to understand the nature of life.
"It was an arranged marriage," Yusanis explained, not for the first time. "You know that. I respect her, but I don't love her. Not like I love you."
"But your children," Arren muttered, then shuddered due to a chill. Yusanis was the father of five daughters, the last born during their time together. That wounded her; if she felt betrayed, Arren imagined how his wife would feel if she discovered her husband's infidelity. When.
"Something is devouring your soul, my love, something besides apprehensions as old as our relationship."
Alone in their private penthouse anything could happen, such as what occurred the last time. That last time in this bed was the wildest. They had been apart for months, and their lust prowled that night as a jungle beast. Arren and Yusanis tangled and twisted in the carmine sheets, sweating off a week's worth of energy. In the pre-dawn hours they drifted to sleep and dreamed the pleasantest dreams. Of course such a night would cost them so much. They ran from their beliefs and responsibilities for five years, and now payment was due. But who would pay the heftier price?
"I'm pregnant," she uttered. One secret too many. If the Jedi Council, if his family knew...When. There was no hiding now. Yusanis did not carry as much tension as Arren deemed acceptable, so she continued, "They will exile me."
"So let them," he whispered, encouraging her to deviance. "You are not their pawn, you don't need the Jedi."
In her earliest memory Arren stood alone in the heart of a chaotic city. She was no older than twenty months, so her location and details of the event were unknown. Well-armored battle droids shot down civilians and burned buildings while she watched. A blaster rifle aimed for her head but the energy bolt never hit her, thanks to a Nautolan Jedi Master who activated his green lightsaber at the final moment. He carried her away from the burning city and rescued her. Maybe the memory was but a dream, yet she knew Yusanis was wrong. She had always needed the Jedi.
"Without them I am nothing," she hissed through her teeth. "If they find out and exile me, I...I don't, I just don't—"
"Then we can stay together and raise our child," Yusanis pleaded, extending his fingertips to brush Arren's stomach. She recoiled.
"How? Will you abandon your first family for a second?"
Once Yusanis hotly stated that he would have to be murdered before he left his wife and children. His frustration and anger shocked Arren; she had only hypothetically questioned him what their life would be like if they could be legally joined. Echani culture discouraged separation and divorce; if he abandoned his family for another woman his reputation would plummet. Arren only minded slightly, for she would not forsake the Jedi Order either. Although the inevitability of their parallel lives stung, the knowledge of an eternal affair comforted her. Hope was exhausting. That knowledge also aided her in deciphering clever delusions of togetherness, such as his last statement.
Arren continued, "I love you. Truly. But I cannot leave, not yet. I sense there are great students for me to train, important missions to complete. This secret I must keep hidden, if only for a time. I must disappear; the Jedi must never know. Will you help me?"
His pale eyes clouded with cogitation. Against his better judgement, he agreed, "I will. I will take the child. But Arren? You must not leave us forever." He stroked her face, begging for a promise.
The Jedi Master covered his rough hand with her own. He would be forever wounded if they separated. When. She smiled faintly, sadly, and blinked back tears as she lied, "Of course not, Yusanis."