Resident Evil Zero: Parody

Okay, so I recently bought this game and I kind of like it, I heard its the hardest one in the series and well... I have nothing better to do at night other then update. Alright so heres the first chapter of RESIDENT EVIL ZERO

Chapter 1: The Evil Express

It had started out a pretty normal day in Raccoon City, several "Unusual" murder cases had occurred recently, reports of fiendish people-eating monsters had reached the public.. S.T.A.R.S. (Stupid Tactically Arranged Reckless Suicide) Bravo team was dispatched the following night... Rebecca Chambers, a rookie new recruit and a medicine specialist is about to embark on what will be her second most terrifying night ever...

Rebecca sat in the seat of the Helicopter reading the intro "Does anybody else get the feeling like we're in danger here..?" she asked nervously

The teams demolitions expert laughed and slapped her on the back "Don't worry rookie, we'll take good care of you." he said with a smile

Rebecca blushed "Yeah... Um... Why are we here again?" she asked

Richard smiled "Well isn't it obvious! We're here to kill the man-eating monsters!"

Rebecca looked at him "Oh yeah! Lets send Bravo team out in the middle of the night to fight monsters! Cause thats TOTALLY the best time to fight monsters in a dark forest with 9mm hand guns and 1 box of ammo!" she exclaimed

Forest smirked "I have a grenade launcher..." he bragged

Rebecca was quiet for a moment before mummbling "Fuck you sir..."

Kevin the pilot turned around holding out a can of beer "Anybody want the last beer?" he asked

Rebecca blinked "How many of those have you had..?" she asked nervously

Kevin looked down at the empty cooler "Oh...uh... A few.." he mummbled accidently hitting the Helicopters "blow up the engines button" on the dash board "WHO THE HELL PUTS A BLOW UP THE ENGINES BUTTON ON A HELICOPTER!" screamed Rebecca as the Helicopter crash landed into the forest

XXX FLASH BACK XXX

The head technician for Suicide industry stood up looking at a man with Blonde hair and sunglasses "Well... Its all set.. Sign here please" he said holding out a paper.

The man obviously known as Albert Wesker smirked as he signed "Glad to.." he said with a smug tone before walking away.

The Suicide technician scratched his head for a moment "Where did I leave my cooler?"

XXX END FLASHBACK XXX

Once everybody turned out to be alright, they all stepped out of the Helicopter except for Kevin who was too wasted to go anywhere.

Captain Enrico stood up "Alright! Spread out and search! And if you die then please die quietly! I don' want any god damn paper work on my desk in the morning!" he exclaimed as he noticed something near by, there was a truck turned upside down, bloody corpses strewn about.

"Captain! look!" Rebecca pointed to the armored truck.

"God DAMNIT Rebecca! Could you have waited 5 fucking minutes without pointing out the obvious evidence!" he shouted

Rebecca picked up a clip board reading over the prisoner information.

"Billy Coen.. Ex Marine...Convicted of murdering 23 communists, 16 natzi's and 2 ice cream men..." She was cut off by Enrico "That sick bastard! Those men were just doing their jobs..And that bastard killed them and escaped!" He growled

Rebecca blinked "Um actually sir..It looks like they crashed..." she said pointing out a plot hole

Erico growled "Damnit Rebecca! What did I tell you about stating the obvious!" he said before looking around "Alright guys... I feel confident that splitting up in a forest in the middle of the night with a killer loose is the best solution... Our target is cold and ruthless! Do NOT let your gaurd down!"

Rebecca blinked as she thought 'I'm so going to get raped..'

XXXXX

Rebecca walked quietly through the forest, her flashlight aimed forward as she hummed the pink panther theme song while she walked, she came upon a train abandoned in the forest "A train..?" she asks as she slowly walked towards it, the night sky beginning to darken as a downpour of rain began to fall she stopped "Oh wow... Im going to ignore all common sense that this train is dangerous and go in anyway..." she said as she climbed into the train looking around "Hello?" she called out as she walked down the row of cars, there was blood stains all over the seats, bags were scoured everywhere.

As she entered the next passenger car she looked around, there were dead corpses sitting in the seats as she blinked "Oh god... Its true... You really do soil yourself when you die.." she mummbled as she covered her mouth and nose. She slowly began walking down the row, the tension in the air so thick one could almost get killed if they didn't see it coming...

Before Rebecca knew it, one of the dead passengers had stood up, a moan of despair escaping its lips as it walked towards her, she aimed her pistol at it realizing another one rose to its feet behind her. "Bitch! Don't point that gun at me.." moaned the first soiled dead man, Rebecca opened fire putting a bullet into his chest "UNG!... You whore! Can you believe she shot me?" he complained, the other one moaned as he staggered towards her "I saw it but I don't believe it either..I mean does she even know how much these suits cost?" he moaned Rebecca screamed as she unloaded a whole clip into the both of them, the two men dropping dead for the very second time.

"I...I thought they were dead.." she whispered the obvious to herself "Well obviously we're dead! Half my face is missing you bitch! And now you've Killed me AGAIN!" complained the second man before rebecca kicked him "Your SUPPOSED to be dead again god damnit!" she shouted angrily before walking into the next passenger car.

Rebecca slowly walked down the hallway of the train car, she turned a corner and found a dead man holding an item. "Oh wow...Thats...Thats fucking shiney and obvious as hell!.." she exclaimed as she picked it up.

"Rebecca recieved the Train Key"

The words apeared on the screen as Rebecca blinked but said nothing for a long moment, her common sense finally resolving with her to mummble "Evil..." as she turned around

Billy Coen stood there quietly aiming a gun at her "Hey Doll face..?" he asked before pausing "oh wow...That was incredibally sexist..." he mummbled cursing Capcom for its macho male roles.

Rebecca stood up "Im a member of...You know what..Fuck the speech..Your under arrest.." she said as she decided to get to the point. Billy smirked "I love me a chick who can use hand cuffs.." he said with a wink

Rebecca blushed and smiled nervously "I'm just in the wrong place at the wrong time so heh...just walk away ignorantly and we'll call it even" she said dismissively waving her hand.

Billy shrugged as he turned and walked off "I'll pretend I said some really macho things before I leave.." he said

Rebecca sighed in relief as she decided to go after him after realizing she just killed the story. She came to a type writer in one of the passenger cabins, she decided to type up her progress incase her team found this type writer.

Rebecca/ 01 / Cabin/ 1-25-12

Rebecca smiled after she was done, she knew she had to find Billy and soon...

"Hey sweet cheeks" Billy said as he stood in the door way blocking the exit.

Rebecca walked out of the passenger cabin as a shattering of glass was heard, one of her partners had been tossed through the window. "Oh my god! Are you okay?" she asked as she rushed over to his side.

"Do I look okay to you?" he asked with a groan "I...I bet Forest..20 dollars that...That I could jump through the window..ugh...Resident Evil 5 style.." he said weakly, his failed attempt left him bleeding badly.

Rebecca kneeled down beside him "You idiot... Every true Resident Evil fan knows the 5th game didn't come out till after this one.." she said quietly as she began trying to help him.

"Rebecca...T..Theres monsters...In the forest.." he said quietly before dying quietly.

Rebecca sighs "Thanks for the obvious statement..." she mummbled just as a dog jumped through the window, a sinister growl upon its face.

"Holy shit a monster! Who knew?" she exclaimed before unloading a couple rounds into the canine zombie.

"Damn..." she mummbled as she looked at her fallen partner and walked off, her path heading away from the train car and into the rear of the train.

Suddenly Billy came in behind her, blocking the doorway with his swagg.

"What the hell do you want you piece of shit?" Rebecca yelled in irritation

"Woah...Calm down girl..I havent even said anything yet.." he said holding out his hands

Rebecca sighed and rubbed her head "Sorry.." she mummbled

"Bitch.." he commented

"FUCK you SIR!" she exclaimed angrily

"Does the princess need any assistance?" he asked like a true macho man of Capcom

Rebecca sighs "Look.. I don't think its apropriate for us to carry on a Capcom tradition of Male and Female partnership so I'm going to leave you standing down here okay..?" she asked before walking up the steps, her gun drawn while she looked at a man who was eating a fine dinner. "Evil!" she screamed as she shot him in the head.

The man exploded, a mass swarm of leeches heading towards her. "Oh god no hentai fags!" she screamed as they began covering her body, a swift gun shot heard as several of the leaches dropped dead.

"Eek! We surrender!" they screeched as they all ironically dropped dead together with no questions asked.

"Are you okay?" Billy asked smuggly

Rebecca looked at them "Yeah...Thanks.." she mummbled as she looked up to him giving him a thumbs up while she caught her breath. her eyes looking over the dead leeches cautiously her only thoughts dwindelled on where they came from and what was going on...

END OF CHAPTER 1