I'm Still Here
Notes: Warnings for lots of violence and mental dissociation in this. Tense changes are all intentional for the sake of disorientation, though I apologize if they seem abrupt.
The wind was cool on his face, blowing short straw-like strands of hair to and fro. He felt like he was on fire, drenched with sweat with coals down his throat. He'd stumbled out of the laboratory, collapsing on the cold pavement between the science building and the library and laying there, content with just breathing.
Robert Reynolds, then nineteen, let his eyes close and pull him into the safety of unconsciousness. Thoughts had swirled; about his secret love, Lindy Lee, about his hated rival, Buzz. About homework, about drugs, but mostly about blackness.
Robert Reynolds, now twenty-three, looked back on that day with wry amusement. He'd been a child, of course - unaccustomed yet to so much power coursing through his veins. The disorientation didn't get to him, anymore. Even now he remembered how strong that sensation of falling had been; like vertigo, staring down into a vortex.
He'd woken with a gasp, in his own bed, gripped tight with fear. He'd been so young - full of the certainty that something new was wrong with him, something dark clutching hold of his heart and mind and twisting. There's nothing wrong with you, Robert now would have told him. Nothing at all. In fact, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you. Don't be afraid of yourself.
The Sentry serum was a miracle. Robert couldn't imagine now how he'd ever lived without it. He knew of other heroes, heroes like Captain America and like in the comic books, he knew how to wear the colors.
"Like something out of-" And his voice would catch, just for a moment. "A dream."
"What's your name?"
Shoulders back, chest forward. "The Sentry."
"Huh." Mr. Fantastic's eyes moved from his for a moment, before he extended a hand to shake. "Can't say I've heard of you."
"It's all right. I've been keeping myself quiet." Still, all smiles. He could tell Richards liked him. "Pleasure to meet you finally. I've admired your work for years."
"Are you a scientist?"
"Yessir I am. Let's compare notes some time." Bob winked, and then was gone. Only the fading spectre of light gave any indication he'd been there at all - and after moments that had gone, too.
Sometimes he worried that he was overeager, but others he assured himself that he fit in just fine with the others - everyone he met seemed to like him and welcome him among their ranks. He knocked down trees with the Hulk, knocked back beers with Iron Man and Thor. And on the weekends he dropped by his old college campus, hoping to catch a glimpse of a particular special lady.
He shrugged off his guise, cape vanishing and forming instead a coat, plain, to keep him warm. "Lindy!"
Lindy nearly did a double-take, seeing him standing there. "Robbie," she said, something like a smile on the corners of her lips. "I thought you were someone else for a moment. How are you? I feel like… like I haven't talked to you in ages."
She tucked a lock of light brown hair behind her ear. He brushed another off her face.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I dropped out."
Lindy gave him a queer look. "But I've seen you," she said. "I saw you yesterday. You didn't speak to me, but-"
"That's impossible. You made a mistake." He shook his head, patting her shoulder. "I was no where near campus this week, let alone yesterday."
"No, I…" But her eyes darkened, uncertain. "Maybe you're right. You didn't answer when I tried to call you."
"How about I call you later? We can get a burger or something - catch a movie if you don't have to study." He was looking for a smile, and she gave him one.
"Make sure it's after six. I have class and I'm meeting Buzz to study." She kissed his cheek, and went on her way. Bob waited until she was out of sight to let his cape unfold, and flew back to his base - the Watchtower, his home. Buzz, he thought angrily. Stay away from her.
"I'll never meet another woman like her," he said, drinking a beer. "Not ever. I'd like to marry her one day."
Billy Turner - more commonly known as Scout - was a child; a teenager, to be specific, and an excellent sidekick. Robbie hadn't known heroes as young as him could have sidekicks, but it turns out they could. Scout sipped his root beer, wrinkling his nose.
"What about the Void, Rob? What if he tries to get at her? You know…" He looked away, anxiously. Bob frowned, but said nothing, waiting for him to finish. "You always hear about the bad guys kidnapping families, and women, and she's going to be a walking target with the bad guys you have to worry about."
"Don't be ridiculous. Lindy won't be in any danger." His voice was curt, a little more so than intended. "The Void won't do anything."
His heart contracted, squeezing tightly within his chest. Bob licked his upper lip and repeated himself, closing his eyes. "Let's take it easy tonight. The Void's a problem, but he's mind, not Lindy's - I won't let him touch her. Ever."
The Void always came as if summoned. The very next day the sky had darkened. Bob wrapped his mask around his face, Scout grabbed his cape, and they were off, into the heart of darkness. The sky is near the color of ink, and he hears whispers around him.
"Scout," Bob said, quietly, "I hear him. He's near. Be careful - can you tell what direction it's coming from?"
"No," Billy said, and Bob realized he couldn't see where Billy was. "I don't hear nothing!"
Why can't he see? The Void's gone silent, lurking somewhere in the depths of this endless darkness. For some reason the Sentry's golden glow does not illuminate a thing.
He hears, suddenly, a scream, and then his sight returns.
"Billy!"
Scout is on the ground in a pool of his own blood, more still flowing. Bob can tell from the blood on his own hands he caught Billy before he'd fallen, tried to hold his wounded comrade.
"No!"
It's too much. Damn you, Void! He's just a child! It's me you want, isn't it? He screams, though no one answers. The day is bright as it had ever been, but now the Avengers arrive. Billy's hero days are over.
Who will I talk to? thinks Bob. What did I get the poor boy into?
He sleeps a fitful sleep that night, and when he awakes his room has been vandalized.
MURDERER! shrieks the wall in red letters. A mirror is smashed, books scatter the floor. Bob almost goes blind with rage, biceps clenching. The Void, in his own house! In his own room!
"What do you want from me?"
No answer, of course. The Void is, as always, a coward. Shadowed, hooded, hidden, always just out of the Sentry's sight. He catches a glimpse of something in a shard of glass. The Void is still here. There's eyes on him, meeting the reflection; from under the brim of a dark fedora he sees those eyes, framed by nothing but black tar.
Bob's in costume, yellow spandex stretched tight over his steroid-aided muscles, the big white S for Sentry bright on his chest. His mask is bunched in his fingers and his cheeks are wet.
"N-"
Once, he'd had a nightmare he was the boogeyman. Once he'd dreamt his mind was a black hole.
The Void's fingers are on his back. Bob doesn't turn, frozen in place, and the fingers disappear. Bob opens his eyes, and sees he's not holding his mask at all. Clutched in his fingers is hair; he's holding a head. Dead eyes look up at him, keep looking at him until he drops it with a shriek. He can't see where the body is.
"Oh Robbie," Lindy sobbed, rubbing her hands in his hair. "He just went missing. No one knows where he went."
"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy," Bob touched her back, hoping to comfort. "I'm sure Buzz'll turn up. Guys like him always do."
Oh God, please no.
The body hadn't been there at all. Bob had left his room in a hurry, and upon returning there had been no blood, no disembodied head. If Buzz was dead he was dead somewhere else, possibly drunk in a ditch. Either that or the Void had returned while Bob was gone and cleaned up the mess he'd left. That was the last thing he needed - for the Void to start framing him for murder.
"Do you ever feel," he said, "like you're losing track of time?"
"All the time. How exactly do you mean?" Mr. Fantastic sounded a touch sardonic, looking up from his microscope with an eyebrow raised. Of course I do, Robert, that look said.
"I mean." Bob ran a hand through his short hair, cut by Lindy just that week. "You wake up in the morning and don't remember how old you are for a moment. Or your months get confused, or - I'm sorry, this is stupid, isn't it?"
"I think you're drinking too much," Reed said, looking back at his bacterial cultures. "Go home and get some rest. You're out there more than any of us. You're twenty-five, that's too young to start losing your mind."
But he was afraid.
Is afraid.
"He's stalking me," he says in hushed tones that only his hands hear. No one is there, only Robbie Reynolds in his coat and scarf standing on the cold beach. "Everywhere, I feel him, he's, it's like he's piercing my mind, violating-"
Cold certainty grips him again. He breathes out, seeing the clouds his breath creates.
"He wants to be me. All of this, my life, he wants-"
Suddenly there are hands on his neck. Bob gasps, eyes as large as plates. A coat flaps behind him, fingers digging into his throat. "Mine," a voice hisses, cold, murderous. Bob jerks his elbow back, seeking purchase with a torso, with a rib. "I'll destroy you, Golden Guardian. I'll have your head on a plate, I'll eat your dog, I'll kill everything you've ever loved, ever stood for. Do you know what they say to each other when you're not around?"
"Buh- stuh-" He can't breathe. His eyes are already the faded blue-grey of the sky overcast with clouds, lips following suit. The Void's fingers are sharp, piercing his skin, into his soul.
"They say you're a fraud."
Filled with anger, Bob screams, flinging himself forward and lurching back, knocking the Void off of him. His eyes are flaring, white hot like liquid sun, and they're in the water. He's got his hands around the Void's neck, holding his head under.
"I'm real!" He shrieks, cheeks flushed with color. Light is exploding off him, steaming the water in heated tendrils. "I'm real! What are you? You're nothing but a- a -"
He brings the Void's head out of the water, panting too hard to speak. When the Void looks at him Bob pushes his head back under.
"A twisted - you're, you're, an abomination, and I'll never be afraid of you! You're nothing!"
Bob closes his eyes like he wishes his words will work like a magic spell, the Void will disappear and leave him alone until another day.
"YOU'LL NEVER BE ME!"
When he opens his eyes, his wish has come true. He's just staring down at his own reflection.